In need of advice - jealous of ex's new "friend"

Amanda - posted on 07/28/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I will give you a quick overview of whats been going on. My husband left me 3 days before Christmas 2011. We have been seperated since then. We have twin daughters together who are 3 1/2 years old. He has not wanted to come back (we were married for 7 years, together for a total of 14 years). So its been 7 months, and to tell you the truth I miss what we used to have and I miss who he used to be, but on the other hand I didn't deserve to be treated like he treated me. So I have been happier without him to a point. But there are times I start to think back to what we had and I miss that, I miss him. He basically said he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want me back, that he is happier with out me.

Lately when he sees the kids he has been taking them down the street to have playdates with another single mom and her kids. I dont have a problem with that, the kids love playing together. But I started to notice that it was all the time. Tonight when he dropped the kids off with me after spending the day with them he said she had spent the day with all of them as well, though her kids were with their father this weekend. I asked if they were together and was told they are seeing where things go.

After being mostly happy and deciding that because of the way he treated me and that I deserved better that I didn't want him back, Im not sure why it even bothers me to know he is trying to be with someone else. Why should I care? But for some reason I do care that he wears cologne on the playdates, that she is tall and blonde, skinny. Why should I care that he seems to be happier since she has come into the picture? All I ever tried to do was love him and make him happy, and in the end I guess I didn't!!!

Sorry for rambling, but any advice on how to get past this or get over it would be appreciated. I do miss having someone there for me, someone to love who also loves me back. I haven't "dated" in so long I dont know where to start, especially with 2 kids.

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Kalli - posted on 08/24/2012

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I know exactly how you feel... I went through something similar and I really hate to tag it as "Jealousy" because I really don't feel it is. It's so hard watching someone that you spent a LOT of time and energy on that treated you like garbage treat someone else different than you were treated. It starts making you wonder... I don't deserve to be treated good? I'm not pretty enough? I'm not good enough? etc. I went through this same thing my advice to you: GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! When your kids are gone - go to the gym go for a walk, work out do something to get your endorphins going to make yourself feel upbeat. Get a new haircut/color, a new shirt do something JUST FOR YOU. For over a year after my ex left me I pined around waiting for him to come to his senses and you know what, one day I woke up and said why should I wait around for someone who doesn't want me? So from that day on I focused on work, caring for my daughter and when she was gone I would do things just about me. Reconnect with old friends or finding new ones that are in similar situation. I don't know if you are a church goer but a lot of churches have single functions that you can go to just to meet new people - if nothing else to have a good group of friends that can relate to you.



Aslo, just FYI when I started doing things that made me feel better about me he came back around and wanted me back. Turns out he wasn't as happy in his new relationship as he originally thought he was. Still to this day he is miserable but by the time he came back around I was so happy with ME that I didn't want his loser butt anymore. And I found someone who treats me like a Queen... possibly even better and I am the happiest I have ever been. Your missing puzzle piece is out there and once you find him your life will be better than ever!

Ariana - posted on 10/14/2012

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You need to try and get over him, which is really hard, but necessary. Even if you need to go to a councellor to work all of these things out you will eventually need to accept that things are over. It's also it's alrightt o feel jealous as long as you acknowledge that and don't let it mess with your judgement.



You may want to speak with your ex about allowing the kids to meet someone who he (and you) are planning on being in a relationship with. It may seem like a good idea right now but what happens if your children get attached to this women, or her kids, and two/three/four months down the road things don't work out and they never see her again? Would it be okay for you to meet a man and have him around your kids even though you aren't really dating?



I really think there should be some sort of, must have been dating 4/5 months rule before the kids can start meeting and getting to know them. Your children should not have adults come and go in their life. I don't mean this as a way for you to get him away from her either, of course he should spend time with her, but your ex (and you, make sure he realizes you want to follow this rule as well) should not involve adults in your childrens lives who may not be around for a long time.



I would talk to him about this respectfully and let him know that you're fine with him dating (even if you aren't), you are just worried for the kids that they might get attached to her and then things won't work out and they'll be upset. You must be willing to follow this rule yourself, I would actually have a time frame, like must be officially dating for 4/5 months before children can meet and get to know the girlfriend/boyfriend and then it starts slow and progresses.



You do need to get out and start dating if you can (as long as you're ready). Maybe focus on just getting out and meeting people rather then actively looking to date at this point? You may find someone at a club (book club type club not bar club ha) or activity that you end up clicking with.



Good luck! And if you are really struggling I would go to a councellor who you can maybe help you work through this rough time.

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Amanda - posted on 10/14/2012

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Thanks ladies! My ex and his "friend" are officially dating, and have been since around the time I posted this (though he didn't officially tell me until after they were dating). As for the kids, I wish he hadn't introduced her so early, though they were doing playdates together, so I guess it was to be expected. I on the other hand am quite happy being by myself, finding ME! Reconnecting with all my old friends and taking time to figure out who I am and what I want, being happy with who I am. When I am ready to date and hopefully find someone, I dont intend the introduce the girls to that person for a few months at least. It does still bother me that only after 7 months of leaving me he has a new girlfriend, but I look back at all the shit he put me through and the way he treated me, and I realize Im better off with out him. Im happy, and thats all that matters!!!!

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