1st Time Sharing With Anybody...

Misline - posted on 04/05/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hello All,
well where do i begin? I am twenty years old and i'm a single mother. All these years of waiting for the right man to come along and i get the worst father for my child i can possiably have. I thought it was a phase he was going through and thought ok he will get over it! Boy was i wrong. My son was born March 24th, 2011 and i already went to the child support office and he is not even 2 weeks old. I don't want Sean's (BD) money at all...i want him there active in my..our son life! No matter how i say it or show it he just don't see it! The child support was done out of pain and anger...though a college fund with his C/S money wouldn't hurt ;). I know i'm depressed with out a doubt! I have psoriasis and stress is like horriable for this disease but how do you not stress? I love mother hood sooooo much and i love my Prince♥Kiyon even moreeeeee! Maybe in due time i'll get over it the fact he is not here, but right now i'm hurting real bad by his choice! ;(

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Jessi - posted on 04/11/2011

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as much as you don't want to hear this....Be Thankful. When all is said and done he is only hurting himself.

I had just turned 20 1 month prior to my son's birth. His father basically walked out on me when I told him I was pregnant. From time to time I will receive an email saying how much he wants to be a dad but saying isn't doing. Now my son is 2 and again just 3 weeks ago I got another email but no communication since. He has only purchased 2 items for my son and c/s was court ordered b/c I had to file for state medical assistance since my military medical coverage was cut off 2 weeks prior to my son's birth. Even with a court order in place he doesn't pay about half the time and the other half that he does is only half of what is ordered. My son knows who loves him and that is all that matters. Now 22 years old, I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and is good with my son.

Lori - posted on 04/07/2011

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First of all I'm old so I see things from a different perspective....

1. You just had a baby - you are tired, sore, and your hormones are way out of wack. It's going to be 6-8 weeks before you know how you really feel. If you start to get really sad tell your doctor so he can help you.

2. You are both kids and kids don't always make the right decisions. I'm sure he was super excited until Klyon became a reality by being born. Be thankful that he did this now. This could have been much worse if he had decided to stick around and got angry. Or he could have moved you away from your family where you would be stuck with no support at all. Think how much worse it would feel if he had made a relationship with the baby then disappeared.

3. Child support is important and his responsibility. It has nothing to do with how angry you feel. You need to buy diapers, formula, clothing ... etc and that is not cheap!

Do you have any help? You need to take a little time to let your body heal from birth. Klyon will not be sleeping through the night for a while and the more tired you are the worse you are going to feel emotionally. It is super easy to get frustrated with a new baby when you are hurting, emotionally spent and exhausted so take care of you right now. And if you need help or a break setup who you can depend on for the next 6 weeks.

Try not to spend time thinking about what might have been he is obviously not what he lead you to believe. If you can see a counselor it helps if you can get your emotions out sooner than later.

If you can.. finish school now. Doing school while the baby is little will be much easier than when he gets bigger. Plus it will be easier to afford than when the baby gets bigger and into school. It will give you the income you will need to support yourself and the baby, plus it will occupy your downtime and get your thoughts onto something other than the missing Dad.

This will pass and in time you will be glad and start to see things you may have missed before. I guarantee you will see it if and when he shows up on your door step. You will say how could I have missed this.

Right now all that is important is taking care of you and the baby and knowing who you can depend on for some help until you are feeling better. As time passes everything will fall into place. When a door closes a window always opens.. you will see.. it will get better at this point the only direction you have to go is up.

Hugs

Cathy - posted on 04/07/2011

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Hi Misline. I hear you and was at that exact place you are now. The anger consumed me. I thought, how can anyone not want to be or even see their lill one. My BD only saw her when she was like 3 months old. But you know what, it gets easier. I just made up my mind to not care and just be the best mom i could be. I stopped begging him to visit. I devoted my all to my DD so that there isn't anything to waste on him. And once i made that decision, i felt much better. Happier. I very seldom thought about him not being there for my daughter. Things went great until there was contact again recently. He's not present but it has now brought up some of the old anger issues. Not anger realy, rather dissapointment. You know after not seeing her since last here he came by 1 eve to bring money. I had to ASK him if he wanted to come in and see her. Can you believe that. Now i actually wish we never made that contact again. But i'm trying to get focused again and not concentrate on the sad side of the situation anymore. THINGS WILL GET BETTER

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SWEETBETTY - posted on 04/05/2011

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HI Misline,
I'm sorry to hear that and I somehow know the feeling. I have a 13 yr old and it does get better, emotionally. Your hurting now because you just had your baby and that normal. You will soon learn how to deal with this and reading that you love motherhood, will help you put his actions or any other dilemas he has aside, because your baby comes first. Take it day by day and it will get better. If he doesn't want to be part of his life, then let him go. If you force him then the stay won't be pleasant. Hope you enjoy ur week!!!

[deleted account]

Great point - "his choice". Let it be, let it be.
A father is the man who decides he wants to be in a child's life. Not a "bio" thing. The supreme court has ruled against visitations in the past, and their quote is far more poignant than mine:
A father's constitutional right to due process of law does not "spring full-blown from the biological connection between parent and child" but instead arises only where the father demonstrates a commitment to the responsibilities of parenthood.. .
Please don't take this the wrong way - try your best, ok. Looking back on your life, who would you want around you all the time, telling you the rules, talking to you, getting you in trouble or helping you with problems? People who loved you unconditionally, who REALLY get up every day and want to live their life in such a way that it nurtures your happiness and bliss? Or people a court ordered to "see you", show up on Wednesdays and every other weekend, force you to go on visits when YOU didn't want to, be mean to your mom, show you with action and emotion you aren't at the top of their list? He doesn't have to be a father - and no one can "order" people to care. Run as fast as you can, it will only hurt Kiyon. . .I would have to say, he doesn't deserve that. Court cases last up to three years, do you want a court order that tells you to hand over your son to someone who may not really want to deal with him? Do you want Kiyon court ordered to spend half of the summer away from you? All these things happen every day - look long term, and remember it isn't about you anymore, I don't mean that in a mean way at all - it's one of the lessons of single motherhood that at first may feel strange - but it's the best in the long run, you'll be really proud of you very soon. Love to you - Happy Motherhood - it is beautiful, and so are the both of you, I'm sure of it.

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