20 years old single mom.. very stressed and alone

[deleted account] ( 19 moms have responded )

I just had my daughter about a month ago and I love her more than anything in the world she is such a blessing to me.. but lately I can't handle all the loneliness and stress that comes with being a single mom.. I live at home with my parents currently who were more than generous enough to let me stay with them while I get myself together before I can actually get on my feet but it's been nothing but difficult emotionally I can't seem to stay as strong as I have to be I find myself crying most of the time.. my daughter is also slightly colic and not being able to console her also wears on me as well. Her father is my ex-fiance and refuses to pay any child support so I have to go to court to petition it, which is also very stressful. His family demands they can come over every day, any day at anytime and don't have to respect my families wishes with when we say they can come over his dad stood in my kitchen screaming at my mom which was extremely uncalled for. I'm in a rut definitely. And I do allow the father to see his daughter on his days off, I will bring the baby to a public place we can meet at for a few hours (which also sucks) last place I want to be is hanging out with my ex, but he is her father and I'm not looking to deny him of seeing his baby at all what so ever. I am not working right now and I was going to school full time before I got pregnant.. I have my associates degree already which is good and I'm currently going for my bachelors in Psychology, although I had to take a leave of absence because of the baby's due date I would not have been able to go back this semester :/ so I'm returning in the fall if possible because I have a lot of student loans out :/ I have been applying for jobs left and right to try and make some sort of income so I can support the baby some how until any child support comes in for her because it isn't my parents responsibility to help pay for her things and they had just recently told me they are selling the house and moving to Florida within the next year or so :/ so I really need to get going with a job and finding a place.. I'm extremely fearful of being on my own.. but I just keep telling myself to keep applying and try for any and everything any type of job will do for now.. I just really hope things start to look up for me and my daughter!

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(Rev.) Marissa - posted on 03/01/2012

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Hi Brittany -



I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I can say with all honesty that I've been where you're at. Now, I do advocacy for domestic violence victims/survivors and help to provide resources and encouragement.



On the legal end of the visitation situation, you can do some research online of your area and see if you can find a supervisor for the visits. Many counseling agencies provide this service. How it works: you find the supervisor that you like and approve of and your ex-fiance sets up the visitation times and pays the supervisor, usually by the hour. This protects you from having to "hang out" but also provides an element of (professional) safety for your child.



Depending on your court documentation, you should not have to provide visitation for your ex's family, especially not in your home or your parent's home. Again, a good reason to get a professional supervisor.



Some of the above suggestions are good: Taking nti-depressants while you're going through this is a good thing and nothing to be ashamed of. Finding a local support group of some kind would probably also be helpful. I was in one for about 2 1/2 years and wouldn't be where I am today without that group of ladies.



Also, there is nothing wrong with utilizing welfare in your situation. It's very easy to apply for and doesn't have to be long-term. They could help you with employment, food, housing/rent, utilities, medical expenses and even temporary cash assistance. Again, this is nothing to be ashamed of...your situation is what it's there for.



Most of all, be encouraged! I know how hard it is to be a single mother of a young one...it downright sucks! The best thing you can do is to take one moment, one breath at a time. You're a strong woman to be raising a child on your own and you have a circle of people around you who have walked the path you're now walking. Know that you are not alone!

[deleted account]

Thanks for all the advice! It really helped me a lot! I had started seeing a therapist and it really helps surprisingly.. I talk to my therapist once a week and get excellent advice from her on how to handle my situation. I really had no idea how much help is really out there for me as far as child care and more grants for my schooling! I already have grants out and a few loans so if I am able to get more money toward college would take an enormous load off my back especially with the little one in my life now! Thanks again :)

Sherry - posted on 02/26/2012

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I had some similar feelings when my daughter was first born. I didn't have all of the drama/hassle that you are dealing with because luckily, in my situation, the sperm donor never wanted to meet my daughter. I felt sad and alone and guilty because I felt that my daughter and I were "alone." I figured that I was feeling depression and that I would probably end up on meds(as I had been on anti-depressants before I got pregnant).



Instead of giving in to pills, I realized that only I could make myself happy. Being a registered nurse for almost 15 years, I am astonished on a daily basis as to how many pills people take. They take pills for everything. So, I took matters in my own hands. I made myself get out of the house more. I made friends by enrolling my daughter (who was 4 months at the time) at The Little Gym. We took walks frequently to help increase my seratonin levels. And I just developed an attitude that I should never feel lonely. As long as I had my daughter with me, how could I possibly feel alone?



My daughter is now 7, and we are proof that life gets better and easier. Just take it one day at a time. :-)

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19 Comments

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Divya - posted on 03/07/2013

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You are likely to feel lonely and isolated as a single mother but that doesn't mean that you are not allowed to see or be friends with other people. You are very likely to do so. Being a single mother myself I know what it is like to be in your shoes. Incase you are feeling demotivated do go through this blog which is came across a couple of days back. This blog is pretty helpful and might cheer you up. Here it is: http://goo.gl/iBhHm

Andrea - posted on 03/12/2012

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sweety your hormones havent ballenced yet it has only been a month! it will get better but you should go see a doctor about a mild ant-depressant there is one that you can take while breast feeding im using it my daughter is 16 months old and im still feeding her one of the side effects of the table is it brings on more brest milk (baby will love it) 2ndly sweety if the dad is screaming at your mom that is not good or healthy for your daughter i know she is still very small but they feel all emotions around them if he persists on acting like this you should open a case against him for family violence - this includes emotional abuse! get it all on paper and record NOW befor there is further complications and the court askes you why didnt you report it. 3rdly his parents dont actualy have rights hear the can not pitch up unannounced it is illegal if they do dont open the door or call the police they are tresspassing on private property. YOU HAVE CONTROLL HEAR DONT LET THEM TAKE POWER FROM YOU, YOU ARE THE MOTHER NOT HIS PARENTS im not saying keep your child from them but they must respect you and your parents place anough to first call or scheadual a time for when they can come see the baby and darling please keep record of all this ive got a feeling this is long from over! oh and some advice study law trust me it will count in your favour i wish all single mothers will study law!

Sandy - posted on 03/08/2012

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You sound a little like you may have the baby blues which is a mild depression that some women get after having a baby. I would first and foremost go to your doctor and really be honest in telling your doctor how you are feeling. He/she may give you a mild antidepressant that will help you out if you have a depression. Second of all, you just had a baby, and for crying out loud give yourself some time to heal and bond with your baby. Forget everything else right now except your health and your baby's health. Thank god, your parents are letting you stay with them that will help you tremendously even if it is for a short time (Florida). Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself, treat yourself the way you would your best friend.

Julie - posted on 03/06/2012

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Why pay Court costs ... fdin your State's Child Enforement Bureau and go that route...



Do not allow his parents over without calling your first ... and ONCE A WEEK is plenty!



Be strong NOW - for your sake as well as that precious baby's ♥

Deirdre - posted on 03/06/2012

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I really feel for you! I am recently separated, unemployed, bipolar, single mother of an 8 year old. Seriously sweetheart I think you should talk to someone ASAP about how you're feeling because you sound like I did before my 1st big depression and you don't want to get any lower. I think antidepressants might help you enormously. Also, you do have a say in when your ex and his family come and see your child! It is not what's easiest for him but whens a good time for you and your child and your family. It is extremely rude of them to think they can barge in whenever they feel like it. You are the MOTHER and PROTECTOR of your baby and that means YOU make the schedule that works for you guys (even your parents cause they are providing for you guys) you need to put your foot down and set up boundaries for your own sanity. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm lecturing you I just went through a lot of what you are and I'm pissed someone else has to experience it. Good luck to you! It will get better!

Melinda - posted on 03/06/2012

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First of all...take a DEEEP breath. Ok, know this..you are not alone in the world. You need to lay out the ground rules...The grandparents (on dad's side) can not dictate your life. If they can not respect your home (and your parents home) then tell them you will have no other option than to contact the authorities. It is their responsibility to develop a relationship with you based on trust and respect, and screaming/dictating is not part of that picture.

I also want to you to consider if it is possible that you might be suffering from postpartum depression. Being a new mother is always stressful--so even just therapy to get new coping mechanisms might be helpful to you. There is NO shame in needing support on that level.

Child Support hearings are not as stressful as you would think. They mostly go in the woman's favor and since he doesn't feel compelled to help you out, the state will compel him on your behalf.

Be patient. You can and will get back in school. I am set to graduate this spring--it took me 5 years to get that Bachelors, but I am there. I also wish I would have started back when she was still an infant, it doesn't seem like it know, but it will be easier for you to do it now rather than 3 years from now.

You are also what the welfare system was designed for. You are had a baby at maybe not the best time, but you still have goals, and you can get all kinds of support there. They help me in PA with books, heating, electricity, day care, and travel expenses (I live 65 miles from the campus)--in addition to health care for us and food stamps. Your student aid will also increase because now you are considered independent and a parent (they can no longer take your parents income into account). I work part time, and budget out my child support and loan $$ over the months to get by. It is not easy and there is no room for error, but we manage. You may also be eligible for different grants and scholarships than you were before. Take this time before you go back to investigate that.

Is there some reason you can not move with your parents and start fresh? I know that is scary, but you have lots to think about, and a lot more options than you realize! Do you have formal custody order laid out by the court?

Please don't be afraid to reach out even on this venue, because lots of us have been were you are right now! IT WILL BE OK. YOU WILL FIGURE THIS OUT. I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!

Sarah - posted on 02/29/2012

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Don't worry so much just try and enjoy that baby while she is still young-she needs you and you don't have to figure out anything right now. I had to move in with my mom and I thought I would only be here a little while but it takes time and once you get back out there its a constant fight-I had a friend move out and had to move back in because she wasn't ready-Don't be in too big of a hurry-make sure you chose the best job and housing for you and your child not just the first thing that comes along-you can always go back to school when your child starts school-that is my plan at least- there are a bunch of bad decisions I almost made because I didn't want to be here-but I'm really glad I have stayed so when the right thing comes along I can jump on it--I don't know if this helps but I was a teacher and I went to waiting tables at night for me it works because all my family works during the day and I can stay with him and then my mom watches him when I work-you can make good money in very few hours especially when you are young and beautiful like yourself----my mom keeps telling me not to make any life decisions for at least a year because you are reacting to feelings and not well thought out plans-try and stay as long as its okay with your folks--Especially if they are going to move away possibly so you two can have a stable fresh new start. Stay strong find a strong support network-friends with kids moms groups other single parents are awesome!! Working out is an awesome stress reliever and lots of gyms have childcare available so you can get some time to yourself and scholarships for people with little funds!

[deleted account]

Yeah that's what I thought which is why I've been trying to set up visitation for her father by allowing him to see her on his days off but as far as his family (whom I cannot stand) I'm glad to hear I don't have to let in any of his family members.. and I won't, it's not my house I'm living in anyway

[deleted account]

Thank you! I'm glad everything worked out for you :) I've been trying to get out of the house and go for short walks with my daughter in the stroller when it's nice out.. or when she naps I'll do an exercise tape if I can I've heard that it helps! I'm just hoping things do get easier for me as well!

Michelle - posted on 02/26/2012

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you may not be able to with hold visitation from the father but you do not have to provide visitation for his family. When the court has ordered visitation and he has his set days and times then it will be his responsibility to facilitate visits with his parents you are in no way responsible for their visits so you do not have to let them in your house.

[deleted account]

aw thanks! I have contacted a lawyer and she said that legally I don't have any right to deny him to see his daughter which is why I've been setting up these annoying "visitations" of my own by bringing her to him because it's also stressful on my parents having him come here to their house to see her.. she's only a month old. but it's taxing on me and my family to see him so I'll probably just go to court to have the child support put in place and then he can petition me for visitation rights. Thanks for the advice!

Mother - posted on 02/26/2012

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I wish I could just reach out and hug you. It sounds like you have an overwhelmingly full plate. I would like to say one thing....



"Her father is my ex-fiance and refuses to pay any child support so I have to go to court to petition it, which is also very stressful. His family demands they can come over every day, any day at anytime and don't have to respect my families wishes" -- This is going to sound very mean and very cold but....if child support is being refused, deny access until the courts figure it out. Apply for legal aid. Get a lawyer THAT alone will lighten your load. You then won't have to think about anything except getting back on your feet and loving that precious baby of yours.



Maybe even try to find a Mommy group to get out and mingle with people your own age. Stay strong honey....and if you need to yell.....come on here and let us know that you need to talk.



I wasn't 20 but I went thru the same situation. Getting a lawyer was the best move I ever made.

[deleted account]

Thank you! and congrats on your dance studio! It's nice to hear from other people that are getting through these similar problems and thriving as you did, I hope that things can work out for me too!

Michelle - posted on 02/26/2012

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Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, have you talked to your doctor about how you are feeling? The reason I ask is I went through a messy divorce when I my son was about 10 months old, I was at the end of my rope was tired all the time snapping at my little guy and just found life overwhelming. I talked to my doctor and he suggested I go on some medication to help with depression, I did what he told me to do and within a month I was back to my old self could deal with my at that point in time idiotic ex and managed get both my son and I back on our feet, unlike you I did not have more then a highschool education but took a few college courses on how to run a business and started my own dance studio as I was a dancer and took all my training so I could claim to be certified. It won't take long to establish child support but if he isn't paying it now it will probably have to go through maintenance. Good luck to you I hope everything works out

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