a difficult question I cant answer - do i have the right to be accepted as a person not just the bundle i come with (kids)

Annie - posted on 03/30/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I know that alot of people are probably going to go mad at this one but its something that is really affecting me, and i'm having a hard time trying to figure it all out. i have 2 boys whom I love more than anything, but i have had a terrible relationship that ended violently 3yrs ago and has scared us all.

I tried to start dating and never hid the fact that i have the boys or the fact they have different fathers. then the person i was liking stated that one day someone who has kids, is divorced or has been married might date me, to which i asked do i not have the right to be accepted just for me before my kids are brought into the situation, the answer i got was that i'm not a person i'm a mother and noone without the above kids,divorced or married critiera will want me.

this mirrored what the ex said noone will want me as i have 2 kids and i'm not girlfriend material etc.

what i want to know is do i not get the chance to even be a person anymore? - i will not give up my kids i may have been dumped on by daddy but i wont do the same - i want the chance to date someone without getting them involved until i trust that person i dont want a new daddy from day 1 is this so bad of me?

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Annie - posted on 04/01/2009

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thank you all, what your saying makes alot of sense to me, i've only just in the past few months let anyone in and decided i was ready to date again, unfortunately i get the feeling my choice in men is bad, i'll just let the right one come to me i think until then i will have fun, scare the creepy ones away and enjoy myself x

Yvonne - posted on 03/31/2009

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I understand. When I was younger, I had really bad relationships that I am now dealing with after 16 years. I settled when I got married and the marriage has ended. I have been through physical abuse before kids and refused to put myself there again but, married into a verbal abuse marriage. Same but different. I had to create myself and I am in the process of doing that now! I have refused to date until I can find out what my expectations will be in a man. Don't get me wrong I have fun and go out but nothing serious because I don't want things to repeat itself. I am discovering things I like to do, how to communicate and so forth...as someone posted earlier..I have a bachelor friend that said he thought he could never see himself dating someone with kids...and realized he is a very close friend of mine and although we are just friends that was a pretty low thing to say ... because I fit in that category...however, it didn't take him 1/2 second to realize what came out of his mouth and then said unless I really loved her!! The thought in men's minds are that they all want that little virgin woman and can't think of the fact that they onced belong to someone else. What they don't realize is that we also are women. It is all about finding the mid point the balance of being me and being mom...Life is balance.

Kimberly - posted on 03/30/2009

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That's a bunch of bull, whoever told you that. You have every right to be accepted for yourself first, though you do need to let it be known that you have kids. You can hold off them meeting the kids until you feel comfortable with them first too. If they aren't jerks, they'll understand that you want to be liked for you, and not for the mom label, especially if you present the fact as being that. A fact. "I'm a mother of 2 boys, but I'm not daddy shopping." It makes it clear that while you take being a mother seriously and think of your children's welfare, you aren't just trying to find a man to play daddy. This may be confusing, but I'm hoping that it helped. I told my boyfriend right off that I had a kid so that if that was an issue, he knew first off, but that I wasn't dad shopping, and if I liked him so be it. I just made it a mandate that he had to Meet my child, nothing more, We've been together for over a year and when financial things get right, will be getting married. I know it's a tough thing, but you are still you, just a mom too. Ouch to the bad ryme....I'm going to be quiet now....

Tammy - posted on 03/30/2009

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Ok I work with almost all guys and I was at work one day and this guy started complaining that he was never going to date a woman with "baggage" meaning kids.  I just stared at him until he realized that we had gone on a couple dates a few years ago and he still asks me out on a fairly regular basis.  I asked him "I have 5 kids or "baggage" do you no longer want to date me?  He said of course he'd still date me right now if I'd say yes and that I don't have baggage I have kids.   He explained that some woman have the attitude that they are less of a person because they are a mom and they let it affect their whole attitude about everything.   It turned into an hour long discusiion where he said that you shouldn't play the victim, don't hide your kids like they are something to be ashamed of, don't rant on and on about the scum bag dad ect.  Attitude makes baggage not children.   Just be comfortable with who you are and know that your attitude about your situation sets the tone on how others percieve you.  My kids are the best part of me and anyone who can't see that doesn't deserve me or my kids, they are a blessing not  "baggage" so don't let anyone tell you different. 

Jen - posted on 03/30/2009

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I've been on my own for three years and I have a seven year old daughter.  It took a long time for us to settle after my husband left - two house moves in a year, not to mention the fall-out of him leaving.



I put meeting someone else on a back burner until my daughter was sorted out and have been happy on my own.



Now I'm ready to start dating again I find men think I am looking for a father for my daughter - she has a dad she sees regularly, why does she need a new one?!  I think it does my daughter good to see that I go out and have a life away from her, and I am certainly not going to rush into introducing a new man to her.  If only the men could see it that way!



Its the men with the problem, not me and not you Annie.  There is someone out there for everyone and your Mr Right might be just around the corner.  Don't listen to what your ex said!

Annie - posted on 03/30/2009

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Thanks Stephanie and Nicolle it really helps knowing that people understand and that I'm not just being selfish or stupid for that matter x

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you are an individual and deserve so much more than what you have been delt so far. Don't let selfish men determine how you feel about yourself. There are plenty of good men out there that are willing to love you for who you are and accept you with your boys too. You first have to set your standard. Know that you deserve exactly what you want and don't settle for anything less! The right man will come. Sometimes it takes time. If you focus on you and your boys and what you need to do to make your life better without a man. You will see that what you are looking for will find you. I promise you that. Don't lose home. Good luck. We are all here for you.

Stephanie - posted on 03/30/2009

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Hi Annie,



No i dont think thats wrong of you to feel that way, Im the same im a single mum aswell and ive alot to handle with my son who's nearly 5, and i put off relationships at the mo, cause he's always sick and something comes up so i do say to myself why would a fella want to hang around when sometimes i dont know weather im coming or going myself (if that makes any sence).. But i know when the time is right and im ready to have a relationship with someone, it will be awhile before i introduce him to my son, but saying that i will not let it effect my son too much that im leaving him out, see it will be hard cause its been me and him from day one, ive had a few fella's but none that have meet my son and nothing serious, im not and have never denied i have a son if im talking to a bloke ill tell them out straight im a fulltime mother, if they dont like it they can lump it but if the time isnt right i wont introduce till i feel the time is right... So no i dont think that is bad of you!! I hope that you feel better now your not the only one that thinks that.....

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