Am I wrong for not letting my son see his father?

Lakesha - posted on 04/27/2009 ( 38 moms have responded )

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I am a single mother of a 1 year old. Me and his father was together for 2 years before we split because I caught him cheating on me with his now girlfriend. Anyway we always get into arguments about our son. He will call and say things like, " How is your little bastarddoing today?, How is that little motherf****r today?" He called and told me that he wish we both burn in hell. It hurt my feeling to hear him say things like this about my child. Now he deny that he is the fathe of my child when he was there the entire time up until I put him out my house. Some people tell me that I should not keep him away from his father because of his action, but I think I should because of the way he treat him. I dont know what to do. I have put him up for child support, and say that he is going to kill me when he get his court order. I call the police and they did nothing about the whole situation because it was my word against his word. He is not a postive person to bring my child around him. What should I do?

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Heather - posted on 04/27/2009

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In my opinion, the only time your child should be around his father is while he is being suprivised by someone you can trust, be it a family member or child services or the law enforcement. If you feel unsafe then chances are your child doesn't feel safe either. Bad language should not be used around any child too. I think your completely right in being cautious and protective. Stick to your guns. It is usually important for a child to know both parents IF both parents have nothing but good intentions, dreams, and hopes for that child. That being said, words can be cheap too. Be careful that if he starts missing his child that he does the right things. I'm not talkin child support. I'm talking behavior, actions, and general parent stuff.

LaKysha - posted on 05/03/2009

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Trust your instincts, his words, his actions are all pulling strings at your heart. You have to protect your child, others can not make that decision for you. You have heard what he has said, you have witnessed his actions. You know, not them. The child support thing is a good idea, but you are not obligated to let him see your son. If you do decide to be with your son, dont let that man be with your son by himself. You stay the whole time. If he denies being your sons father though, forget him! He does not deserve to have someone that precious in his life in the first place. But in all, its up to you. People can give their opinions but if your heart isn't in it, trust your heart.

Kelly - posted on 04/30/2009

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Honestly, as long as you're putting your child's best interests at heart, which it sounds like you are, the courts won't hold anything against you. I think you should file a restraining order on him. You don't want to take any chances. Good luck and let us know what happens.

Michelle - posted on 04/29/2009

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This currently seems like a negative situation to place your child in! I think you are doing the right thing at this moment. You might want to document these phone calls and any written messages. This might be beneficial if any court action is needed. May you two be blessed and safe!

Ann - posted on 04/29/2009

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For now, I would avoid the father at all costs. His attitude and choice of words are hurtful and disrespectful. You seem like a concerned mother and I don't think you would allow a stranger to treat you like that in front of your child so why would you allow your child to hear his own father treat you that way. Remember, kids learn by example. I know the guilt can get heavy but as long as you've done your part by offering to let your son be a part of his life, you've done your best! You can't control how people are going to act but you can control what you expose your son too. Get through the legal process, take detailed notes, document all these hurtful conversations and any attempts you have made to encourage a relationship between son and father. Most likely when a judge hears what he has been saying, he will only allow supervised visits and I think you should strongly encourage this. Its one thing if he calls you names but to call your child names can be construed as a dangerous situation. You are a mother first and foremost and you already know that means protecting your child at any cost! Above all, listen to your gut....it's always right. God will never give you more than you can handle, I'm praying for you!! Tough times don't last but tough people do!

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Jessis - posted on 04/09/2013

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I stopped contact too, my son had a visit with his father and came back with a hair line fracture to his head no medical attention was sought, in fact my son was told to go and play on the x box after the injury the man needs parental skills its no good to fight in court to see his son and then when he does get to see them hes not capable of looking after him. when my son came home and i saw his face i called the police who called the ambulance. and we were in the hospital all night,

[deleted account]

Wow! What a f***in jerk!!!!! I think that filing for child support is the best thing don't be scared jerks like him like to intimidate for us not to take action. File also a restraining order that a must. It's better to be save than sorry ok well I think if his that type of person it's tough.If you think it's going to affect him then don't do it keep your son away from him. Get some counseling if you want to make it legal then get full custody that way your x can't be bugging you. You would have full custody and a restraining order against him. At the same child support well good luck and if you have close friends and family be more around them to help you out hope I helped

Jody - posted on 05/19/2011

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Oh boy. Well in hearing the things that he has said to you, you need to find a way to record these comments so that you have evidence of his threats. Have witnesses to these comments. If he is talking like that then I woudln't allow any visitation unless they are all supervised. You really don't have every right to deny him his fatherly right, especially due to cheating. However, if he is uttering threats of your life and your child, setting up supervised visits is the only way to go. This way you can still be sure to know his behavior won't be affecting the baby. Someone will be there to see the whole visit. But be sure that someone is reliable and safe.. He may very well be angry becasue you won't let him see the child, and he is releasing his pain in these words. But just based on those words. Try the supervised visits only. Then let the child decide later on.

Katie - posted on 03/24/2011

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Oh hell no, if he calls the baby bad names i would keep my kid far away from him. write down everytime he says, tape record every conversation. the judge will have a hard time not believing that. Take any threat about your life seriously.

Pauline - posted on 05/20/2009

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Hi



You are not wrong to keep your son away from him because he will teach your son that it ok to treat the women in his life like sh-t. You need to some how get his threats on tape. If he calls you on the mobi phone you should beable to record it, you can also use your answering machine to record phone calls. I have moved states to keep my daughter safe.

Maely - posted on 05/19/2009

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I understand you completly... i am currently going thru the same thing. I have a 13 month old baby boy who is beautiful, smart, wonderful, loving and the best thing that has ever happened in my life... his father and i seperated when he was a month and half... ever since he has made my life a living h*ll... i can count the times he has spent time with his son, the calls he has done tend to usually end with harassing comments to me. i have tried twice to make restraining orders against him and since it a family court order they won't do them. child support now is pending court date and now he is threating to take me to court for custody for the child which he hasn't cared about for the past year... just to do damage to me just out of spite... it's horrible... it's hurtful... it's unbelievable... i have tried in every way shape form to have involved in his son's life but he prefers his single life and even now he doesn't really want to be there but wants to hurt me so will do anything to so. I have kept a log of all calls, text, visits (length time) and emails so when we do go to court i have my records of all harassing comments... Our children need to be protected that what our hearts tell us, we need to follow what our hearts tell us to do.

Mush - posted on 05/19/2009

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its difficult but i believe ur making the decission based on your sons saftey and his saftey is your first priority your making the right choice what kind of a role model would his dad be to him treating him mean calling him names an so on?

[deleted account]

Document everything!!! Get a notebook and write it all down. Try and have most of your communications through email and save it all!!! Each time he threatens you or your child go to the police station or call the police and demand to file a report.

[deleted account]

I think you are doing the right thing. That is verbal abuse and you shouldn't expose yourself or your child to it. Let the courts take care of child support. If he ever threatens you or your child again write it down with the date and his actions and if he ever 'stops by' call the police.

Lily - posted on 05/17/2009

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It sounds like that man is not worth of your child's love. That whole thing that children need their father(when the parents are separated) in their lives doesn't always apply to everyone. It takes a whole lot more than just DNA to be a good father. When I read that part where he asks you "how's your little bastard doing" that is just wrong in so many levels. So if I were you I wouldn't let him see your son.

Natasha - posted on 05/17/2009

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Wow what a disgusting person, do everything in your power to protect your child from that bastard, whatever you do, DO NOT be one of those woman who think they have to have the father in their child's life, this guy is not a healthy individual and if anything record all of his threats and get a restraining order. Good luck and stay strong!

Leana - posted on 05/17/2009

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hey lakesha! so sorry 2 hear bout ur situation..i live in newzealand n went thru similiar situation. the cops here take death threats very seriously n were very helpful..u are doin the rite thng keepn ur son away..he deserves a father who will love n nurture him n build him up, not tear him down..dnt let his games get 2 u, he b hell bent on tryn 2 make u suffer n hurt it a whole control thing!! u should wipe him completely,change ur number n if u have 2 get a protection or tresspass notice if he dnt leave u alone..a bit of councillin 4 u wldnt go astray eitha..just helps n gives u the tools n confidence 2 deal with it all. really helped me!! hope all worx out 4 u n ur wee man..godbless.

Geneva - posted on 05/16/2009

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I have to tell you from my own experience that I went through the exact same thing with my youngest son and his father and I couldnt take how he treated my child with such cold words. The first thing I did was go to family court and got full and complete custody of my babyboy. That is absolutely bull crap about he should be able to see him...He dont deserve for YOUR son to grace his presence until he learn how to be a man. Don't make it easy for him. Until he is able to treat you and your child with respect

it took a long time for my son's father to finally realize he was wrong and very remorseful he was. Hang in there hun and stay firm. Dont think you are doing the wrong thing, Until he learn respect he should not come in contact with your child!

Jessica - posted on 05/16/2009

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First of all, EVERY time he says something like that you make a police report, who care it the police think it's stupid. My ex's mistress threatened me & my son several times & the court ordered that she in not allow around my son EVER & it is in our divorce agreement, so even if he marries her, she is not allowed around him.



Next, the courts are going to tell you, you have to let him see him. Your job is to make the child available. Don't go out of your way by driving to meet him or pick up the baby. & if he doesn't show, & he probably wont, then OH WELL, he doesnt see the baby. Most likely, he's not going to make an effort anyway.



Keep making the police reports, I know it is all hear say, but at least you have some form of documentation.

[deleted account]

ANY man that talks like that about his child loses his moral rights to ever see the child again. In the US if you are getting any state aid, the state goes after the father or mother for support, not the parent, so blame the court stuff [ in his mind] on the government. You certainly need NEVER to accept a phonecall from him again. Find a good man and get on with your life.

[deleted account]

It is a very difficult call. My son is 9 now and his father has not played a very active role in his life. At times I question what is best for my son. Biggest thing you have to ask yourself is your child at harm? We strive to protect our children problem is sometimes if you stop them from seeing their father they grow to resent you. People always show their true colours and children see this no matter how old they are. Just always try and set your own feelings aside, and trust me its hard, and do what you beleive is in the best interest of your child. If his father is a jerk perhaps allowing his parents or a family member on his side act as a liason. I know this is not always available.

As far as the police are concerned you are right to call and keep every thing documented for future. Keep a diary of what happens as you can use this in court. Police records although they cannot do anything now until he does something are proof of his abuse towards you.

I had to stop my ex from coming on my property so when he picks up my son he does so at my sisters place. Yes everytime he comes home there is a new attitude from his dad, but the older he gets the more he sees and is building his own opinions on everything.

Just anything you do make sure you do not hold him away for monetary reasons. The courts frown upon mothers who withhold their children for reasons other then the best interest of the child. Many times the fathers are "show dads" they act the part when people are paying attention to make themselves look good and any other time they are too busy or don't really care.

I know its a constant struggle but hang in there and the love and respect you get from your son is award enough for doing the right things. If your child is in any physical danger make sure you document why you withheld your child. Courts and police are unable to do much when it comes to you and it gets very frustrating but just keep your head up and love your son and yourself and in yourself you know the right things to do for your son.

Opal - posted on 05/08/2009

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Hey Lakesha. im a single mum of 2 they both have the same dad but he left when i was 4 months pregnant with our second. he to cheated on me with his now gf. so i totaly know how u feel. i always have the same problem and wonder should i let him see them. I think that unless the father is a threat emotionally or physically to u or ur children then they have the right to see their kids even if it is thru supervised visits. after reading ur story i dont think it is a good idea for u to let him see his father. no guy that speeks like that about his child deserves to be a dad. words hurt more that anything and they stick with u, no child needs to hear their father say that stuff bout them or their mother. in ur situation i wouldnt let him. when ur son is older he will make up his mind weather or not he wants to know his father but for the moment u have to make that decision for him. in ur heart u will know what is the best thing to do and i pray that u will have courage and strength to help you thru the hard time that may come. hope this has helped you abit.

Megan - posted on 05/08/2009

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personally i dont think you are wrong to keep your son away from his father.You want your son to gain positive feedback from adults,and it dosent sound like your ex is cabable.does your ex want to see your child? your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work,i would stay well clear of him,change my number and possibly move as far away as possible.take care.from megan

Starla - posted on 05/06/2009

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I have to say supervised visitations at all times. I dont have much experiance with this as I have only been seperated from my husband of 16yrs since March. But I have asked for suprvised visits in my kids home town ( dad is in CA). Because when my 14yr son came home from spending spring break with his dad, he was hateful towards me and saying nasty things about me. Apparently my husband told my son he doesn't love me anymore, that I spend all his money and a bunch of other things, plus he talked adult things with him that should have been done. I have a very angery son now and I dont know what to do to get through to him with out hurting him more.
Hang in there and do what you think is right for YOUR Child

Claire - posted on 05/06/2009

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well i think that your son does need a father but not that kind father, sorry to say he is an asshole. you do not need a man like that near your kid. you are the daddy and mommy like most mommies are. my daughter is almost 3 years old and my daughter father is not in the pic. and to me honest with him. i do not need him and want him because in the end of all of this he has to answer all the questions if my daughter has any. if your baby daddy is going to see your son you better i mean it better get supervise because the way he is talking now. I would not trust him with anything. take care and good luck

Daizy - posted on 05/04/2009

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hmmmmm it is a problem , but why he is so abusive of his child ,Why dont u talk ahonest conversation with him decent without argument and try to find why he is behaving this way .Tell him u also like tht ur son see his father but nt any abusive person who ut bad values to my kid .Tell him clearly and be polite to him when he is around with his kids may be ur frustartion he is taking on the kid try it out.....

Donna - posted on 05/04/2009

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i think you know whats best for your son, im going through something similar and ive been told by my solicitor about fathers rights, but i feel as a mother if u have any doubts about him seeing his father its up to u to protect your son and make sure hes in a happy environment his father doesnt offer that and the lack of respect you get from him, is awful, let your son make a decision when hes old enough to understand and see him for what he really is, you can also get in touch with somebody about domestic abuse this doesnt have to be physical abuse, it can be threats and verbal abuse they can offer you advice and help if the police cant do anything, i think your doing the right thing xx

Lakesha - posted on 05/03/2009

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Ladies I must tell you that I dont speak bad of his father when he is around. I let him know everyday that his father love him but he just going thru something right . He will better understand everything when he get older but I loving all the advice you guys have. Thank you all

Anita - posted on 05/03/2009

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my ex is no where near as bad as your ex, but i kept my girls from him. we were married so in the divorce it was actually stated that i got full physical custody of the kids. i had a lawyer so i will give you some advice she gave me.



unless there is a custody order in place, both of you legally are the childs guardian. he has every right to that child as you (as awful as that sounds, but it is the law). definitely get a custody order in place ASAP.



document EVERYTHING! keep a journal. as someone said, write down dates and times and the what he said. granted, it is still your word against his, but if it is written down, it is easier for the court to see if he is harassing you. what i actually ended up doing is trying not to talk to my girls father on the phone. i would talk to him through e-mail or text.. that way i have actual proof of what he said and not my emotional take on the conversation. plus, it is more concrete proof for the court.



my lawyer also told me (even before i had a visitation order in place... altho, i did have a custody order in place) that if i felt like their father would harm them in any way, be it physically, emotionally or whatever, i had the right not to let him see them. you are responsible for keeping your child safe! always trust your maternal instinct!



my girls also had supervised visits with their father at a state center specifically there for that purpose. we had to go to court for that order as well, but it went easily. it is called "court ordered supervised visitation". there was a neutral party that stayed in the room with the girls and their dad. she would intervene if he said something or did anything inappropiately. she also said that she felt it was needed, she could end the visit early. i would ONLY do that if the court makes you give the father visitation.



i would suggest getting a lawyer and get the custody taken care of ASAP. and, if you don't have enough money for a lawyer, there are usually free lawyers available through the state.... it is called pro bono. i think you could find information in the phone book.



GOOD LUCK! and do not let the father see your boy. get a restraining order in place.. you can go directly to the court house, fill out a form and get it signed by a judge all on the same day (i did that as well and it is very easy). it was almost 4 years ago but i think you can put your childs name on the order as well...

Laura - posted on 05/02/2009

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You can get advice from a domestic viokence advisor. They can give you support and advice. They also go to court with you. There help is different in different areas but they deal with single parents with an abusive ex with violent history or still being violent. Check your phone directory and I think that the police themselves may have contact numbers you can have.

[deleted account]

I think most people gave you a brilliant reply.... stick with your gut feeling we are great at that! for now stay away from the father, but dont talk ill about him to your son (as much as you want to and it hurts.....) your son will realise this when he is older. stay strong, the father has nothing against you! Give your son all your love, and the best life....and one day you will find a brilliant new partner..... :) good luck and take care!

Michelle - posted on 05/01/2009

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It doesn't sound like he wants anything to do with him (violent actually). Keep the child out of it - is my advice. Don't talk bad about his dad in front of him. No child wants to hear that. Hopefully the dad will work through his issues and come around. Whatever your dealings are with him, your child should not have to feel the effects of it. Keep a log of every conversation you have with the father.

Lakesha - posted on 05/01/2009

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I love all the remarks that I have gotten about the situation. I am have completely taking my son away from him until we go to court. But my whole thing is if he signed the birth certificate, did he sign his rights of a blood over saying that he is the father? he did not start this whole thing like i said until this perticular girl came into his life and he started to act funny But i have saved all phone converations, txt messages and and I have witnessess 2 testify about what is going on. I even have his mother writing a statement on him sayin that he need counseling. I have been talking with the chief of police and he trying to go back and get all the reports that have made a sign a warrant on him fot the threats against me and my child. All I asked is thatI stay in everyone prayers. Thank You guys for sll the help.

Christina - posted on 04/29/2009

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Hi Lakesha, I am sorry to hear about what you are going through with the father of your child. I am a single mother of three and my childrens' father is not always the best person to get along with but I try... What I would say to you is that your sons' father has made threats against you and your child so I would most certainly asked for supervised visits through the court and explain to them what is going on (It is your word against his and you don't have any proof but I would let them know you are concerned about the welfare and safety of your child). If he decides he (your sons father) does not want to see your child then atleast you know that you did not try to keep him away from your son. He is probably upset that you left him and moved on with your life. I know your child is young and he probably does not understand what is going on right now but I will say this he will get older and he will see things for himself about his father. He will also know you went about things the right way and it was his fathers choice whether or not he was involved in your childs life not yours, he made his own decision. (Also make sure you keep all your documents ie.. court papers, harrasment charges, etc...)

Teresa - posted on 04/29/2009

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I am so sorry that you are going through this! Everyone here has already given you the answer to a question in your heart you already know the answer to. It doesn't sound like he even wants anything to do with your son, it sounds as if he is getting a kick out harrassing you and your son just to fill his time up. Document everything...from calls, to text messages, to physical confrontations. And don't hesitate to call the police if he shows up at your house angry and swearing. You don't have to put up with that just because he is your sons father. He has a choice, and that choice is to be a positive role model in his sons life, or to not be there at all. But whichever he chooses then he still should have to pay child support, because he is the father. I would go to the courthouse and file so exclusive custody of your son. You can decide on if you want the father to have supervised vistation or or any vistation at all. But it doesn't sound like any judge would put your son with someone who acts the way he is. Good luck with everything stay safe, strong, and God Bless!

Candy - posted on 04/28/2009

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I think that you already know the answer, but you just need it confirmed. He sounds a bit immature and hurt that you had the power to end the relationship. I commend you for that - you made the choice to love yourself more than him. However, your son, or you, should not have to tolerate ANY type of abuse, be it mental, physical, emotional, economical, or verbal. Your son's father should address your son by his legal name, not a disrepectful one that he's chosen to give him. Make sure that you keep documentation of all the dates and times that he's called. This will look better when you call the police again in regards to your ex- boyfriend's threats (legal term: assault). PLEASE do NOT take his threats lightly, especially when he says that he will kill you. You have a son to protect. Therefore, contact your courthouse and ask for information regarding visitation and state that you want it supervised due to your ex-boyfriends's threats. Visitation is a separate process from child support. It seems that you want your son's father in his life more than the father does. You can't push a child on a person and think that they will be a responsible parent just because you are. If your son's father wants to stay out of his life, then grant him his wish (just make sure you pursue child support - it's your right and by law, he's REQUIRED to pay it). Otherwise, he'll just be coming in and out of your son's life, in addition to wreaking havoc on your son's emotions. You don't want that. Your son needs his father only if he's going to be a positive and CONSISTENT part of his life through good, bad, and indifferent times. Otherwise, you an your son are better off without him. I do commend you for wanting to do what's best for your son, but as of right now, his father is not what's best for him right now. Maybe in time, with counseling, and with prayer, his dad may change for the better.

Christina - posted on 04/28/2009

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I would not let him see his kid if thats how he talks. Oh ya most cops are not good at their job and could care less about anyone. It will take him doing something for anything to happen. I think you should do what you think is right for you and the little one. There are better men out there that would be better for you kid to be around so it will be no loss getting rid of the ***. Good luck

[deleted account]

in my opinion, do NOT let him around your child. my daughters 'father' is somewhat like that... and i refuse to let him see her.. and the few times that he did see her after i left him was when i was at her grandparents (his parents place) which was a huge mistake cause he was drunk/high and swearing and calling me a 'b*tch and a wh*re' and every other name in the book.., and now she asks 'kristalyn's daddy go?' it breaks my heart every time she asks.. and we've been perfectly fine without him financially and every way else.... i was doing it by my self even when i was with him... so it wasnt to big of a change..

anyways, hmm like i said i would say do NOT let him around your child... like Heather said, if you feel unsafe its a pretty safe bet that your child doesnt feel safe, and i beleive that children know when theres something not right around them. and if hes calling your child a 'little bastard' and a 'motherf****er' and hes only one...... theres just so much wrong with that i dont even know where to start.. and alot of people will try to tell you 'oh you can't not let him see your child because of what he's done to you, he's a good father and you shouldnt hold grudges' or some other BS like that.. but honestly... dont listen to it... do what you think is right. I had a huge fight with some of my ex's family about that, then they started about 'how i wasnt a good mother to her and yadda yadda yadda' so really, dont listen to it... and do what you think is right for you and your child..... keep doing what your doing....

and for the him saying hes gonna kill you when he gets his court order and the cops not doing anything thats BS... if anything get a restraining order on him. just 'disappear' so to speak... change your number/move if you have to/ everything just 'disappear' another one of my ex's was like that threatend to kill me and was a abusive controlling ass, and i did a mid-night move when he was gone, and moved back in with my mom, and he hasnt found me.... and that was a year ago.. good luck...

if you need someone to talk to or anything i'm here, sounds like we've been in the same kinda situation.. take care!

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