Anybody not tell the father and have suggestions on how to tell their kid??

Katie - posted on 09/21/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I had my son and never told his dad. He wasn't a bad guy really but he wasn't somebody that I felt comfortable leaving my son alone with. He never wanted kids and in fact his ex and him got divorced because she wanted kids and he didn't. So I made the decision not to let him know because if he didn't want to be involved that would hurt my son just as much as not telling his dad at all. So most the time I feel pretty okay with my decision cause I know I did what I thought was best for us. However there are some days that I wonder if I should let him know so that when my son is older and wants to meet him he isn't completely surprised. I know most men would think this is awful, but he even said when I asked if he had kids "None that I know of and I wouldn't want to know if I did." So can anyone give me any ideas on how to tell my son as he gets older?? I am not with anybody but my Dad is very involved in my son's life and is a great male role model for him. I couldn't have done it with out my Mom and Dad and the rest of my family.

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Amanda - posted on 09/23/2010

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you could always tell him his dad just wasn't ready for a baby and you didn't tell him because you did want either him or your son hurt because he wasn't ready. honestly i would tell the father. just send him an email or something saying: "you have a son. his name is ____. I don't expect anything at all from you, i just didn't want you to receive a shock later in life if it ever came up. I'm not planning on letting anyone else know, so you can live as you've been living. " then you can tell your son that his father wasn't ready for a baby and didn't want to hurt or dissapoint him because he wasn't ready.

My kids dad knows about them, and claims to love them... though he never sees them.. I'm just going to tell them their dad thought he was ready to handle being a dad but he was wrong. we wanted what was best for them so their dad left them with me because i was fully ready. when he's much older (18-25) you can tell him the whole truth if you think its the right thing. my mom told me and my brother the whole truth about our dads and it didn't effect us negitivly.

Suzy - posted on 04/26/2011

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My husband found out that the man who raised him is not is father, and his mother never told the man who was that he had a son. Since that time the man married and started a family. You never know what changes the man could go through. Most definately tell the man. I do not know when the proper time to tell your son would be, but please do not wait until he is married with a family of his own. He needs to know so it can be up to him whether or not to know his other family.

[deleted account]

Katie, if you raise your son with love, and he is happy and healthy, you will not appear as 'the bad guy'. You made a very tough decision - one that you made for the best interest of your child. In the long run your son will understand that.

[deleted account]

Katie, I think some of the posters have missed your question. Which was how to tell your son.

I was faced with this possibility. I became pregnant, and the man I was with reacted horribly. We didn't have anything to do with one another during the entire pregnancy. I wished I had never told him. Then his family insisted I give him the choice to 'step up' and be a dad. It has been a co-parenting journey of frustration and hurt, and I still have my doubts that her dad will stick it out in the long haul as she gets older. BUT I will deal with that. Just wanted to give you back story.

During the time I was preparing to do it all alone, and thought her daddy was out of the picture completely I did a lot of research on the subject. Kids will eventually ask where is daddy? Specially when they see other families with mummy and daddy present.

I found a fab article on the subject that really helped, and I hope the tips in it help you.

http://singleparents.about.com/od/commun...

The best advice is to make sure you do not accidentally make the child believe that the father is absent because of them. You have to word your statements making it clear that the father is absent because HE was not ready to be a father.


Good luck (to us all)

Meagan - posted on 05/04/2011

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I think as he asks tell him in an age appropriate way. So, while he's younger, tell him that even though his daddy couldn't be around, he is really really lucky to have an awesome grandpa instead! And tell him that not all kids are as lucky as him to have that. Then as he gets older give a little more detail, until he eventually finds out why you never told his dad, and leave it up to HIM to decide whether he wants to find his dad or not. I didnt tell my daughters father because he IS a bad person, and what I told you is how I plan to tell her. When he's little and asking, he wont really understand your reasons, so you play up the fact that he has an awesome grandpa (my daughter has that as well) since his dad isn't there. There's no reason for him to know the details until he can understand those details. If you are really not sure about ever telling the father, then leave that choice up to your son, but dont demonize him. You don't want to be the bad guy. Even though my daughters father IS a bad person, as she gets older I wont tell her THAT, but I will tell her exactly why I didnt want him around, and let HER decide what she wants to do with it.

I dont really know if there is an easy answer here.

Also, books and movies! I am sure there are books and movies about only having a mommy! lol

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Travis Lee - posted on 02/14/2014

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Hi Katie. There is more then a question in your artical. Look a lie is lie you made a mistake and you have to live up to it no one is perfect. That man was not a criminal. You say that you did not feel comfortable leaving your child with him. I know that that's a lie because you didn't even say why. I could understand if the man with a drug dealer violent criminal mental problems a rapist. But know this man was none of those things was he. Admit wrong and tell the truth right away.

Katie - posted on 05/06/2011

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I made the same decision, very much for the same reasons. I'd rather give her a wonderfully full life without a father at all, than one of disappointment with my ex. I wrote a letter the year she was born. Addressed to him, explaining when I got pregnant and why I didnt tell him. No anger or hostility just a lot of "it wasnt the right time." If she ever needs to find him without my help.
I keep up to date with his information and know how to get in touch with him. I hope that someday he'll grow up and want to be in her life and wish the same for your ex and your son. Be open and honest with your son, and let him decide what is right for him. Good luck!

Dana - posted on 05/05/2011

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I told the "Daddy"... His reply was simply "He didn't want to talk about it. So I'm left to be the Mommy & Daddy yet again. Good thing I'm a strong enough woman to feel in his blanks. : ) Baby is going to love you no matter what. I'm sure he or she might be a little hurt, but in the end they can make the choice to talk to Daddy by themselves. Avery will know when he's old enough to understand the situation I had to go through otherwise if he asks Mommy is just simply going to say he's away as I do with the other two.

Katie - posted on 05/04/2011

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Thank you to all of your for your help. You have really helped me in trying to figure it out. Like say he is still young and doesn't know yet. But I can tell he is missing that part of his life already because when we do go to my dad's house he is like my dad's shadow. Never leaves his side. I am glad that other people are going through it and can help me. I am not glad that you all are going through it but I am glad that you have some great advice that will help. I don't want to make his dad seem like a bad person and I don't want him to feel it is his fault. I know that really no matter what I do or say I will be the bad guy and I am okay with that because really it was my decision. I hope all of you in the same situation can figure out what is best for your kids. I don't want to lie to my son because I think that will really make me the bad guy. I am going to take a look at that article. Thanks Barbara! Meagan I am sorry that you have to go through it because he is a bad guy. I think my decision on not telling his father was the best choice for both of us at the time. Thank you all for being so kind and not judging.

Louise - posted on 05/04/2011

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I think you need to sit down and write a letter to your ex and explain that he has a son and that you want nothing from him. Tell him that you are letting him know because you are going to have to tell your son who his father is.

Then when you son asks who his father is sit him down and tell him that his dad was a very good friend of mummies and show him a picture. This should be enough at this age. he will not really get inquisitive until he is older and then he will want to know about his father. So it is important that your ex knows that at some point he will get a knock on the door and a grown man will be stood the other side and say hey I'm your son! He has to have the opportunity to be part of your sons life because if you don't give him the chance your son will blame you for keeping them apart. I know for his own good but really in the long run it is down to your son to access if his dad is a twit or not.

Jessica - posted on 05/04/2011

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i would tell his dad or his family at least. it probably won't change the situation, but his dad does have the right to know. it probably won't change anything but he does have the right to be given that chance. you can't really make up his mind for him. you have to let him make up his mind. it really isn't fair to him because you think he wouldn't care... you have no idea how how he would take it.



if you decide not to tell him, lots of people do that. i told my son's father he was the father and it didn't change a thing. my son never sees his dad and didn't meet him until he was five. i always tell him that he wasn't ready to be a dad and it wasn't that he didn't love him, he just didn't want the responsibility. i tell him that some people aren't ready for that kind of responsibility and that it has nothing to do with him. but i know in my heart that i gave his dad that chance and that he chose to not be a dad. i know that he didn't want to be a dad and so the situation become his fault and no one can blame anyone but him... including his son. i can walk away knowing that i gave him that chance and he turned it down and i can tell my son that honestly.



as for telling your son that you never told his dad he had a kid? i would wait on that one until he is older (like 15) because he is going to resent you to the moon. he is going to think that you never told his dad so you never gave his dad a chance to be a dad and he is going to blame you for it all. in his mind his dad would have been the greatest dad in the world but you wouldn't let him be one. i am not saying this will be logical or true, but that is going to be how your son sees it. he is going to have this idea in his had of how his dad was to supposed to be and why he isn't. he is going to imagine all this stuff that they should have done. just be prepared for that. the resentment is going to carry him a long way. he will go and seek out his dad one day and you should give him a chance to find him (when he is a teenager). he will want to know who his other half is. what he finds will be his journey. hopefully he finds the right answers. but if you never told his father, his father will use that excuse too towards your son.



are you doing this because you think this will be easier? because you don't want him to have any rights? because you worry about your son's safety? because you don't want him to have visitation? you have to think about really why you did that because it has to be more than he didn't want kids. your son will really resent you for that if that is all it is... there has to be a better reason. men, at young ages, say stupid things like i never want kids and if i do i never want to find out. i cannot tell you how many guys i heard say that that ended up married and with lots of kids. i think all guys say that!!!! you can't take that at face value. you son would even be more mad if he found his dad and his dad had kids and was raising them.



you will move on and meet a new guy. don't lie to your son and tell him that is his father. but let that person act like a dad so he isn't missing out.

Katie - posted on 04/27/2011

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I am sorry for your husband. That would be really tough. I do want to tell my son sooner rather then later. He is only 2 so i know he won't understand it at this point. I do have pictures of his dad and I let him look at them but at this point there isn't much to do. I don't know where his dad is now and neither does CSS so I can't tell the father at this point. I would much prefer that he just signed over his rights but I can't be in charge of that if they/I ever find him. I just wasn't sure how to tell my son, I don't ever want to lie to him. I can't imagine anything worse then finding out your dad isn't your dad and everyone but you knew. Currently I don't have anyone else in my life so my son will be old enough to know that if there is ever another guy he hasn't been there for his whole life. Thanks for your help.

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