Anyone been in a abusive relationship?

Sharon - posted on 11/06/2008 ( 64 moms have responded )

85

63

3

Hi there, I just thought i would stop by and introduce myself. I am Shaz. I am a 25 yr old single mum to 5 yr old Nichole. We live in Adelaide SA, Australia. I have been a single mum for just over a year. I left an abusive man and i must say it's the best and hardest thing i have ever done. I didn't have much support when i left him but am building up my support network. I have just started a group for other's in my situation if you are interested the link is http://apps.facebook.com/circleofmoms/gr... I hope to make this a haven for sufferer's ad survivors of DV, a place for them to come, get advice, chat and make new and valuable friends. I do hope to see you there.



I would like to touch base with others who have been or are still in abusive relationships. My ex is still controlling and abusing me.....I need help!



Shaz xx

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

FoxyMom - posted on 01/02/2013

115

0

7

I was in a verbal and mental abusive relationship. Was married for 10 years. Did not start out that way but once we had our son it went down hill. Was cussed at all the time, told he's only staying in the marriage for the child, he even made up things to yell at me and be mad at me about. When my son came and askec me "why is daddy so mean to you" I knew I had enough and needed to leave for the sake of my child. I did not want him growing up thinking that's how you treat someone when you are in a relationship. BEST thing I ever done. Can't say it hasn't been hard BUT I was able to go off all my meds and my health problems went away. No more depression, anxiety, my stomach isn't messed up and I CAN sleep again!!!!

He still trys to jab every now and then but i realized that I DON'T have to take his crap and that it don't matter. His opinion don't matter and what he thinks about my life don't matter. If he hurts me now it's my fault for letting him.

Sarah - posted on 10/07/2014

1

0

0

I was in a verbally and physically abusive relationship for 10 years. Leaving that man made me realize I should have left him a LONNNNNGGGGG time before the time I did. When you wake up one day and look at yourself in the mirror and have NO IDEA who you are....you know something is wrong. Never should love hurt. Either emotionally or physically. It is NOT easy to leave, but there are TONS of resources out there to help.

Sue - posted on 11/15/2013

3

0

0

Wow, Your story sounds like mine, my ex is an alcoholic but I hung in there and tried everything to make it work. He blamed me for everything. Finally after two kids later and 8 yrs of marriage, he cheated and then denied and lied for a year. I kept giving him chances, but finally I was done. It even took me several months to get him to move out, even though he was still seeing his girlfriend. She was well known in the small town we live in and was not nice. He was not physically abusive, although he came close. He had a bad temper and lots of jealousy for no reason. He was verbally abusive and very manipulative. He lied constantly, sometimes just to lie. He didn't even seem to care whether he covered his tracks with the lying. We are not divorced yet, but going thru a bankruptcy together. He theatens and harasses me and sends me abusive texts when ever it is my night off (which is rare, he doesn't watch the kids or see them very often unless its convenient for him or his girlfriend is out of town and he's lonely). Once I went on a date and he found out and called the guy up and threatened to kill him and then called me a whore and a cheater for weeks, even though he cheated and was seeing his girlfriend every night. Amazing double standard, but abusers don't care. They will just do whatever they want. Finally he showed me a loaded 45 gun while driving in my car to court, and I was not happy. He did not threaten me with it, but it was meant to intimidate. I called the police and made a report, then he backed down. I have a good job and career and he doesn't, has never saved any money and we are in financial ruins. I am just livid that he could possibly get half of my retirement income in the 50/50 state I live in. Even though I have named my kids as beneficiaries, I am very worried about him getting the money. I hope you are doing well...I hope to be free of this monster soon. Sue

[deleted account]

Get out and stay out! When I was very young 25 I got into a relationship with a man where we moved in together. He was really rough on myself and my 5 year old son. When I finally got him out of my life....he came back 3 months later, knocked on the door, I let him in as that old fear comes back. He beat me so badly that my back was broke, raped me and I got pregnant and left me for dead. Now....when he found out I was pregnant he came back to try and kill the baby. I lost my ability to walk (took me 2 years of rehab to learn to walk again) and my new baby and older son were placed in a friends home so that they could be cared for. 25 years later I have a beautiful son. My older son has issues due to what he went through with this person. Make sure that when you get out, you stay out and don't open that door: physically or emotionally to them again.

Marytirado - posted on 08/21/2013

3

0

0

well i am so glad that u left but seek help for your self because there is something in us that attracts men like this

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

64 Comments

View replies by

Angela - posted on 10/23/2014

3

0

1

I was in a very bad relationship with my ex for three years! I was the girl who thought she was soooo in love, and just blinded by reality. I came from a super religious background that didn't end up well. Thus I felt my ex took advantage of my situation "no parents, no one to turn to when I needed help, or to get away from him".

He would, never take me out "due to not enough money" he would never let me hang out with my girlfriends because "every single girl is a slut or a whore" But its ok for him to hang out with his friends and SLEEP with a co worker! He never treated me with trust nor respect because he was doing inappropriate things. He told me that he F..ked this girl in the butt, and made me suck his D..k after. I still stayed with him... Then next he stared drinking more "no money to take me on a date, but its ok to buy alcohol all the time?" He would start to get mean and pick fights with me. behind close doors and in front of people. Next he started putting his hands on me... Did I call the cops? No, because I thought this would all just pass, I was in love. More and more days I had to take off work because of the burses, how embarrassing. Next he got so drunk one night we had a few friends over, and why yes he was drunk and being loud. I asked him to keep in down that the neighbors will call the cops at this hour for being to loud. So he gets mad and storms into the kitchen to "shot gun a beer" I slapped the beer away from his face, because at this point I had enough! Bad idea... He shoved me into the kitchen stove and gashed the top of my head on the over head light/fan. I ran to my car and locked myself in it crying "why is this happening to me? what did I do so wrong to deserve this life?".

A few days later I packed a few things to stay with a girl friend and her daughter to get my head straight. I decided to leave him, and I told him I'm going to get my stuff and we are through!

Walking into our old house to gather my belongings I noticed it looked like a tornado hit the inside. Know if you know me, I like a spick and span house so walking into the disaster defiantly helped me realize that I'm not meant to be here anymore. First my ex who is 6''7 was balled up in a corner "I'm so sorry, your my best friend, don't leave me, ill fix everything, I you to be my wife." I had no pity for him wile looking at all my nice stuff that I paid for, broken. Hair straighten broken, hair dyer, my mirror to my dresser, my pageant bikini shredded, along with my paintings with knife slashes through them.. and much more.

After three years I finally left him!!!

My friends helped me out with places to stay and food till I could get up on my feet again "man them sluts and whore's are some bad people I tell you". lol

I am now 25 years old, I am married to a wonderful man who is so kindhearted! We have a almost 2 year old son together, and I also have a 11 year old step daughter :)

I have a great job, a loving supporting husband, I'm safe, and happy as can be. There is a life worth living on the other side.

thanks for listening to my story, I actually feel so happy to get this out, and off my chest.

Sylvia - posted on 07/21/2014

1

0

0

Hi I ran across the form by accident and probably can't find it again so write me at iluvtrees@hushmail.com, please. I am very ill and I am having trouble leaving an abusive relationship because I have no insurance and no income and no car. I am sure that someone else has been in this predicament, but I don't know where they started. How did they get away? I have hesitated to go to a women's shelter because I take medicine I have to have and he is my only source of income. Without my diabetic meds and shots I would have a stroke fairly easily or have extremely high blood sugar, which makes one very sick, deathly tired, and my feet crack open and bleed (the skin condition changes on the feet) and can lead to gangrene.

Carly - posted on 07/16/2014

7

0

0

I think I'm in one which is why I made a profile today. Having a very hard time.

Freda - posted on 05/01/2014

3

0

0

I was in a verbally and emotional relationship for 9 years... It was absolute torture.. I left many times but always begged me to come back which I did... Always promising he would change... I finally left for good 14 months ago... We have a 8 year old child together... He aliented him against me telling our son if I loved or cared about him I would come back... My son refused to see me so I took it to court.. The lawyer told me to leave my son with the father to keep the peace til it went to court... In the meantime he became the primary carer... The worst mistake was taking the lawyers advice because now I only get to see my son 5 days a fortnight..... My son is still begging me to go back to his father... I really don't understand why... He has seen so much abuse..He is convinced his father has changed and he said I have ruined his family... I don't know what to do anymore..... I did think at some stage to go back to make my lil man happy but i wouldn't want to go through that again....The father calls me everyday saying he has changed and to come back .... His excuse for his behaviour is he wasn't well because he had some medical issues.... I need some advice.....

Sue - posted on 11/15/2013

3

0

0

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through the same...we don't see the craziness until we are out of it. We start to think this chaos is the new normal and we are ashamed. I know how you feel. It is not your fault. Please get out while you can, early, for the sake of your child. I know it is easier said than done...it took me 8 years of a verbally and mentally abusive relationship and two kids later, but his cheating for a year and me giving him 3 chances and he still continued to see her and expected to be with me, was the final straw. And he disrespected me so much and constantly swore at me, threatened me. The cheating was reason enough to kick him out. The abuse did not stop, however. Even though he was not lonely and had his new girlfriend, he continued to harass me and any time I had the night off (he occasionally watched the kids but not much, only when it was convenient for him) and would say I was cheating on him and was a whore if I went on a date or something. We are still trying to divorce, but he does not want it to end and keeps being difficult. Recently he threatened to kill a male friend I know. I filed a police report and that has kept him at bay for now. Please just take your child and save up some money and leave one day when he is at work. This will only get worse with time. I know it's hard to hear (it was hard for me to hear), but he will not get better. Most men like this are unlikely to change. Don't fall for it if he says he is sorry and wants you back. Leave as soon as you can.

Sue - posted on 11/15/2013

3

0

0

Dont forgive him! Once an abuser and controller, always one! It is very hard for them to change! My abuser wants me back too, but his behavior has been awful towards me while we are separated. He even made up a fake heart condition while his girlfriend was on vacation just to sleep w me again, but it was just a control tactic, and I did not fall for it, he was pissed that I did not sleep with him. I see him as a sociopath and a very sick person. I didn't realize he was this sick until he moved out. The chaos you experience in the marriage isn't really noticeable until that person is gone. When he was here, trying to plead his case that I should take him back because of a heart condition, I told him I needed proof cause he'd lied too many times. Never got proof, and found out he was lying again. While he was in my house trying to convince me, all the fear and anxiety came back, the same feelings as when he was here in the house. He is an alcoholic, too, adding to the abuse. I realized that even though I was lonely, I was so much happier after he had moved out.

Cheryl - posted on 09/18/2013

5

0

0

did you get out? u shouldn't be putting up with any of it...
but my question is if my husband verbaly abused me in the first half of the marriage and I stayed should I leave now that he isn't? hmmm

Michelle - posted on 09/16/2013

1

0

0

I agree I was in a absive marriage mental and neglect. I left 2 1/2 yrs ago. After ren yrs. its hard but best. He still try's to controll with our son. As I was married before and caught my first ex cheating with my sister in law. Wow but he's a dead beat dad. In and out of the kids lives sad. No support. Been over 13 with him but in the end I'm free. It's hard I deal with depression but everyday is a new begining. We are strong and gotta always believe. Kids need us to be there super Herod and we are when were free. Hang on tight.

Samantha - posted on 08/05/2013

88

0

8

whatever u do, make sure u stick out treatment, even if your brain goes crazy twords the end n u start thinking of running out n going n using with him, just stick it out... if it helps always think, if he was the one in your situation what would he do? be one step ahead n dont let him have any dirt on u. xx

Ritaoneill - posted on 08/04/2013

7

0

0

Oh shaz do not engage i walked away after 18years have not spoken in 3years.in the begining i was terrified each day was freedom
rita

Um - posted on 01/30/2013

15

0

0

Brenda!

Thanks dear for ur advice
This is what my parents and my dear ones are telling me that if he couldn't change before then how they ll change this time
Yes I ll not go to him now
Thanks once again :)

Brenda - posted on 01/30/2013

2

0

0

Um Emman here is my advice to you as I was in an abusive relationship for 6 1/2yrs! If he has already apologized before and continued the behavior after he is only going to do it again! Whatever you do is up to you as your the only one that can truly decide! Did i love my ex of course was it worth the life i was living my children were living no! Please whatever you do have an exscape Plan! My answer to you is dont go back to him forget him!

Um - posted on 01/29/2013

15

0

0

Hi there

I also got a abusive husband who used to be abusive by words and 3 or 4 times hit me to like slapping on my face and grabing my neck etc. I gave him 5 chances like when ever he abused I came back to my mom and on his apologise I went back.i have a daughter of 2 years and our marriage lasted for 2 years only mean I jave taken divorce around 1 year back but still I love him I dont know y.
Now he is contacting me and want me back
From the next month he has to pay the allowance for my daughter also.
He is telling that he took a big lesson from divorce and now he is apologised and he ll not abuse ever this is ehat he is sayin
I am very confused should I forgive him and give him a chance again or not
One more thing if I go back to him my parents will not meet me and they will never forgive him as they hate him. The reason is he never gave respect t9 my parents when we were in relation
Please I need a sincere advise in this matter

Brenda - posted on 01/23/2013

2

0

0

Hi, my name is Brenda and I was in an abusive relationship for 6 1/2 yrs! It finally took him cheating on me to leave him! I have 2 kids with my ex and he tried to make my life a living hell! Not anymore I put a harassment restraining order on him for 2 yrs! That means he can't have contact with me unless he wants to get into trouble! I appointed his mom as a person he has to call in order to have contact with my boys who are 5 and 2 right now! I was physically abused and emotional abused and the emotional abuse kept on coming until the restraining order! He can't see his kids unless they are with someone else and I'm not around! If any of you need to talk I'm here! I have anxiety, depression, and PTSD from my ex but seem to manage it very well without meds! My ex was an alcoholic, smoked weed, did pills, and I'm sure more of what I don't know about! Anyways document everything and I mean everything he says to you and your response back! Yes, I probably shouldn't have said a few things and I admitted it to a cop when I called to make my ex stop texting and calling me! He hasn't seen his kids in over 9 months and the one time he did was at a funeral and it was 9 months before that! So get a restraining order if you have to! It does work wonders!!!

Ashli - posted on 01/03/2013

46

28

6

ive been in several abusive relationships in the past, and my last severe abusive Relationship was with my ex husband my daughters father, He got so bad into drugs he would choke me out, and after we had our daughter he got abusive again, inand push me and choke me in front of our child, I got agressive back, because our daughter was seeing this and she got hit once, and i flew into a rage and beat his ass, and threatened to shoot him with the gun he bought me as a gift. I ended up leaving him after 5 yrs of marriage. Our daughter is 4 yrs old now and has not seen her father since she was 1 yrs old bc he is in prison for attempted murder on someone else.

Timmoshnee - posted on 01/02/2013

1

0

0

i have the exact same problem with my ex controlling me !! :(
how do i break the vicious circle??

Pamela - posted on 12/30/2012

25

34

1

Growing up in an abusive home where my mom left my dad for the abuse, my mom went through all that you guys are going through. As a parent myself I can look back and know my mom did what was best even now when my dad's family talks mad crap about my mom I can be firm in my belief that she did the right thing. I am close with both parents now. My dad was abusive partly due to immaturity and partly due to drugs and he is clean and sober now and is over 50+ so he has gained some maturity. Our children will see the truth in the long run just remain honest and steadfast with your decisions and convictions.

Rocio - posted on 12/13/2012

1

0

0

Hi i was searching on the web bcuz i dont know with who to talk... Im 30 i was in an abusive relationship for 2 years ... When i was pregnant he tried to choke me and then he wanted to kill himself ... I forgive him more times i can even remember... Then my daughter was born and i thought things changed... Well they didnt he left to "work" never called pr anything long story short.... My daughter is now 1.5 years old she is the reason of my life b4 her my life was nothing..... I have a lawyer now but i live in peru and "law" here is jut stupid i have been and i am nervous for me and my daughter he is crazy i cabt go out with her alone.... I cant continue with my life.... I shake everytime he calls just to insult i changed my celphone but he still calls my parents house where im living now.... I feel so guilty....bcu i put myself in this situation .... I dont have nobody to talk .... Please :(

Sharacia - posted on 10/01/2012

1

28

0

Hi my name is sharacia and i have been in two abusive relationships in the past with my first one the gut i was with he tired to kill my baby girl and the second one he tired to hurt her by breaking her leg.

Samantha - posted on 07/22/2012

88

0

8

i have left an abusive man also, all of the above apply, except when he's acting like he loves me sooo much, but then always gets angry again mostly verbal and threats, cheating was the last straw, but he knows things about me that i cant tell anyone, mistakes i made, and not long ago, and im sooo scared that he will tell my family and everyone if i dont play along with him, i can't admit the truth it's too serious to admit, but if i get true this one more week and a half then i am going away, do i tell him that we wont ever get back together or do i play along for the week and a half (ok ill be honest im going into rehab but its in a week and a half, and i recently had a slip with him after me being clean for a year 6 months before i fell pregnant, so if he tells about the slip and tells them about the bruise on my arm that prooves it, i could loose my child, but if i get into rehab first then it will be ok cause i can come out a stronger person

Carolyn - posted on 07/20/2012

46

11

7

Dear Shaz, I was married to an abusive man for 17 years. I can't stress enough how important it is to get out NOW.... not later.... don't wait. If you don't have resources like a job, car, money in the bank, or a friend or family member to run too when its time to leave, then go to a shelter - call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) they can help you find a place close to you. The first thing they will ask you is "Is it safe for you to talk?" They can help you, please don't stay in this relationship thinking it will get better. I thought that for almost two decades, and my children grew up under a roof of violence, and when it was time for me to leave my husband, I faced his absolute wrath - he tried to kill me twice. He somehow convinced my children to STAY with him, and he paid off the judge and won custody. For the sake of yourself and your children, LEAVE NOW. NOW!!!!

Sharon - posted on 11/13/2008

85

63

3

Nickie,

Thanks for your reply.

My ex does the same as yours with texts. He sends nasty comments and pretty much acts like he owns me. If i dont reply to a text immediately he gets abusive. I am still not strong enough to stand up to him. I pray i will have that strength soon.



Lynn,

Good on you for getting out. Stay strong and i wish you luck with the move. Be safe.



Mary,

Thanks for your response. My ex abused me in every way possible. I am still very scared of him and allow myself to continue to be abused even tho i have been out of the relationship now for over a year. I pray for the strength to be able to stand up to him but it has not come yet. I hate being afraid of him still.



Sandra,

You are a remarkable and very strong person. I am praying for the strength to stand up to him and stop being afraid and allowing him to still abuse me. My dilema is how to i break off the contact and controlling me without him turning really nasty? I look forward to chatting to you.



Katie,

Good on you for getting out. You are so much better than that. You did the best thing for yourself and your kids. I think all of us need to heal from the pain and hurt we have been put through. I am still working out how to do that. I hope to get to know you.



Milissa,

I hope you succeed in getting custody of your son. Stay safe. I hope your ex has not harassed you anymore.



Love Shaz

Milissa - posted on 11/12/2008

4

30

2

Hi all



I am the mother of a 3 1/2 year old boy. You all have such stories I feel for you all. I first left my sons father when he threw a beer bottle at my head and I was stupid when I went back to him believing his word that he wouldnt do it again. A fews years went by and things were pretty good for us, he was still very controlling and very much into drugs and alcohol. My son was about 2 1/2 when I left the second time and I went to a shelter for abused women this was when my sons father took a ride on car and threw it at my head twice all because he said I locked the door which he did himself. I kick myself in the butt for this everyday. I went back believing him that he was done with the alcohol and the drugs. He was ok for a bit but I then found out that he was a new found crack head. He wouldnt leave my house so i left for the last time with my son. I went back to the shelter while I was there I filed for a peace bond and went to court 5 times for that and still no peace bond. I was at a friend of ours house with our boy and he was all drunk and high he kicked in the friends door so we got the cops after him and the cops sent a police dog after him. So after that incident he wasnt allowed to talk to me nor be around me or my house. Not even a month later he smashed my window in my door and broke his way in threatend to kill me and choke me out, our son was asleep upstairs and I had no phone at the time so I had to run to the neighbors and call the cops. They arrested him but let him out the next day. He is still not allowed to contact me and such. I have been to family court like 6 times to try and get custody of my son and his father is still allowed to have unsupervised visits with his boy even with all that crap and the drugs. It is retarded. But I am teaching my boy what is right and what is wrong and we are living a happy new life just the two of us. It was the hardest but best thing I ever did. I think I went back those times because I had it put in my head that I couldnt do it on my own but I guess I showed him. Here I am doing it on my own.



Milissa

Katie - posted on 11/12/2008

2

5

0

hi, my name is kate and im a 26 year old mom to my 2 children aged 2 and 4. i left my husband in April this year, and at the time i really couldnt see that i was in an abusive relationship, to be honest i still wonder if im overreacting and if it really is all me! We shared many happy years together and things only really started to go wrong after i fell pregnant with my second child. he became depressed and started drinking heavily. he also began to lose weight and found it a huge acheivement if he passed out through not eating. his moode swings were terrible (altho not violent) As time went on he became very jelouse of me, he hated me having any contact with my best friend and told me i was not to be on the phone to her if he was in the house, he became very involved with what was going on in her life and would get angry over her relationship with her partner.

things gradually got worse and i was unable to go out of the house without first providing him with "sexual favours!" as if he was staying in with the kids then surley he deserved to get something out of it. The abuse i got on my return home tho was not worth the night out, he was convinced that id been unfaithful and no matter what i did or said could not convince him otherwise, eventually his anger turned to violence getting worse each time it happened. Usually resulting in him leaving the house and threatening to kill himself. i eventually left him when i found out that he had been sleeping with my best friend in my living room while me and my 2 kids were ustairs in bed! Things suddenly started to make a lot more sence! I dont regret leaving him, he now has a new girlfriend which im pleased about as it means he leaves me alone a bit more. he uses my kids as a way of controling me, accusing me of not caring about them if i dont go running to take him a dummy as he cant find one. He claims that im preventing him from seeing the kids and that the access that i give him is not accetable but i dont see why me and the kids should arrange our life around him. we have a good routine and its working well and i dont see why i should disrupt that. My son has very difficult behaviour, he screams and hits me if i say no and when his routine is interrupted his behaviour becomes worse. my husband has managed to isolate me from all my family other than my day by visiting them daily and telling them how much he misses me now they beleive im in the worng. He is also attacking my friendship circle, ive lost my best friend through this but he has a new girlfriend from within my friendship circle so i feel unable to trust them in the same away as feel there loyalties may be split! i feel so alone, friends keep telling me there here for me but they have there own lives and there own problems without mine. and do you know what the worst thing of all is, i still feel like i have tp protect him, im careful what i say and what i do so as not to hurt him! where do i go from here? i cant even cry, i feel i need to but stop myself everytime, i think i have lost all emotion, how do i become me again? kate xx

Jeannine - posted on 11/12/2008

2

9

0

Hello, my name is Jeannine. I am the mother of 2 wonderful sons ages 15 and 11. After I got divorced I was with someone who was in the Military, and he painted me such a pretty picture....(not realizing it was water color) Then the drinking and the abuse started. I stayed with him for 2 years after and I just left him last July. The best thing I ever did, and the hardest because he controlled everything money and all so I had to start from scratch and I am happy to say that I have a very good job and a beautiful home!!

You have to do it for your children!!! My son who is the older one started to step in and go after him to protect me. They are so happy now and our lives are at such ease and no more walking on eggshells!!



Blessed Be...

Jeannine

Sandra - posted on 11/11/2008

5

8

0

Shaz,

My computer flipped out before I finished my reply.



We are a strong family and no one not even their father can take it away from us. We are loving, caring, and enjoy spending time together.



I would love to know you better also and am here for you anytime you need me...

Love,

Sandi

Sandra - posted on 11/11/2008

5

8

0

Shaz,

I am here to do what ever I can for you...I cannot promise you that this will be easy or that you will never second guess yourself. You have to take the stance with him that he does not have a right to control anything having to do with "YOU". I am not sure of your custody situation; but in mine he legally only has the right to have in put on three decisions - 1) Major Medical 2) Education 3) Religion. I made it very clear to him that he had no right to any part of my childrens day to day life. That was a right that only I had. In doing this, I let him know that the only rights he had to any of us was that he was allowed to see his children on the designated days...at the specific times...that was it. He was not allowed any other times or input into our lives. I also did not listen to any negative comments or thoughts about me or my life. I just politely reminded him that he had no rights or input into my life, decisions, etc... I also only talked to him if it had to do with the children; all other conversations were off limits to him.



My ex and I actually talk just about everyday about the kids and there schedules. Who is picking up whom etc.. We continue to have our children as our bond and a friendship that teaches our children that we love them regardless of whether we are together or not. We have chosen to raise our children in a positive enviroment and do not talk bad about the other parent to them or around them. We also do not let our families do it either. We loved each other enough to have children, so we love them enough to give them secure loving divorced parents.



In order to gain the strength that I have, I would recommend the following. Focus your attention on you, your child, positive friendships.... and positive family. (Do not hang around with people that complain or are generally unhappy...they will make you miserable and it will be hard for you to gain strength). Think about what you want to teach your child about life and relationships. Everything you do will help mold and shape them into who they will become as adults.



It will take a lot of thought, endurance, and at times I promise you will believe that you will be able to keep up the strength. You have to....it is your life an your childs life....stand up for what you believe. You would not let your ex hurt your child so why would you continue to let him hurt you.



I am here for what ever you need... I am still a single parent and have gone through many tough years... sometimes I think that he still "controls" me to a point. Yet, I know that I am the one who has the power... I am the one that has the influence on my children and who and what I am in their eyes is all that matters. We are a fa

What I have done is very hard and at times, I believe that I will always pay for the consequences What contact do you still have with your ex? How can i get the strength you have to stand up? I'm still very scared of my ex and do anything i can to keep him calm. I would really like yo get to know you better.

Skylur - posted on 11/11/2008

38

16

1

Hi....I was in an abusive relation ship and finaly left him with my 5 month now 9 month daoughter old. I left with nothing. I'm 28 and living with my parents because he made shur that I would have nothing. It's the best thing I could have ever done for my little girl. I couldn't let her see me being treated that way and think that, that is how dad is supposed to treat mom. I also left for my own sanity. Even though I have nothing I am a lot happier and I get to enjoy my daughter now.

Mary Beth - posted on 11/11/2008

10

18

2

The best thing I did was make a commitment to call the police every single time. Every time and statistics show that his behavior is likely to discontinue up to 50% of the time. Just be safe. Don't open your door, don't answer the phone and get an order of protection from the court. The court can be your friend. With the protection order he can be arrested for even coming close to your property. Call the police every single time! It's takes guts, but you will grow enormously.

Mary Beth - posted on 11/11/2008

10

18

2

I kicked my ex out Dec 06. I had had the last screaming fit from him. I wasn't going to take it any longer. He never hit me, but he followed me from room to room to room screaming at me for hours. He wouldn't let me sleep, leave or take the kids. He took my keys out of the ignition, hands, etc. just to keep me there. I had to "listen" and reapeat whatever he wanted me to say in the right tone of voice until he would just stop. I convinced me it was my fault he screamed. He told me I was crazy and my friends. He tries often to get at me. His last attempt was to block in my car at the drop point to exchange the kids and not let me leave for several minutes. I paniced and started yelling at him, since I never could get away with that with him, that's been my response. Bad and now I show up at the last second and don't park so he can't block me in. He won't do anything when the cops show up. He's a coward. I have to stay in control of my emotions and not let him get to me. It was never abuse until I took three criminal justice classes, because he didn't hit me. Being screamed at and convinced you're crazy is sometimes worse. I hated being with him!!!!!!!!! My church kept telling me to forgive him and love him, but never once did they say don't yell at your wife anymore! I left that church a year after I kicked him out with an order of protection. It seems keeping someone in their house against their will is kidnapping. Who would have thought? Not me.... I'm almost finished my B.A. in sociology/criminology and just want to get out of this state. My lawyer will cost me a fortune to try to move due to the laws so radically biased toward fathers and their right to see their kids. Thanks for posting this, I'll stop now... I hope this helps someone else thinking about leaving. Just stay strong, pray, get a support group together, stay safe and LEAVE. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself and my children!!!!! He's is not worth your tears and you'll be so happy to have peace in your home again, to sleep in peace WOW. That has been so wonderful. I pray you all get strong and stay strong.

Lynn - posted on 11/10/2008

3

30

0

Hey, i just got out of a very bad relationship of 7 years about a montha dn a half ago, it wasnt physicly abusive but mentaly and emotionaly it was, it took its tole on me...

i spent 7 years with the father of both my children, and all he did was bring me down, cheat on me, leaves for days on end, couldnt even hold a job for more then 3 months at a time, always talked down to me like i was some sort of child...he was also very controling. he has never hit me or anything but i have gotten a steal toe boot thrown my way.(didnt hit me). as i mentioned i left him a month and a half ago and i have never felt better about a decision i have made in my life then i did about the decision to leave....

my kids are better behaved now and now that i am happier they seem to be happier as well.

I still get harrasing and threatening msgs on my answering machine how ever , that is why i am moving where he cant harrase me any longer...

for anyone who has been threw what i have been threw stay strong and remember you and your children deserve such a better life then that, everyone deserves to be happy and yes its hard at first but after awhile things do get better and start looking brighter....

[deleted account]

Oh, and he never leaves me alone! There are some mornings, I get 5 text messages before 8am. If I had a $1 for EVERY text message has sent me within the past year, I would be a millionaire.....truly. He belittles me day in and day out. But I'm getting better at sticking up for myself and he isn't used to it. I have saved my text messages and my lawyer has them too!!! Hopefully someday they will stop......there can be weeks where I don't get any, and just as I think it's going to stop, it starts all over again!!!

[deleted account]

OH MY FRIENDS!! I'm in the same situation. I left about a year and a half ago. It was one of the hardest things I did, but I'm so much better off now, thanks to my kids, my family, my friends, and GOD!! He gave me the strength that I needed to stay away. There were many times I almost went back because of the "comfort" and being scared of being alone. It was my family and friends that stuck by my side. I didn't see the abuse........mentally and verbally.....like my crew did. Now that I look back, I can't believe I stayed as long as I did. Yes, I'm scared of being alone.....yes, I'm scared I can't raise the kids "alone".....yes, I'm scared financially struggling......yes, yes, yes, I'm scared, but you know, God has a plan and He never gives us what we can't handle. I wouldn't have been able to do this without Him and my parents. The kids/I moved in with them so I can save up money. I was a stay-at-home Mom with my ex and I barely got any money to be able to save up, but I'm slowly getting there. And it has definitely been good for the kids....I have a 6 year old son and a 3 year old daughter (who thinks she is 7.....LOL). They are getting the love from someone besides Mommy that they deserve!!! They are loving it and I am too. I have my days, but I'm much happier! Hang in there.....it does get better!!!! LOVE TO YOU ALL!!!!

Sharon - posted on 11/10/2008

85

63

3

Oh Heather,

That's unbelievable! I hope he will leave you alone. Isn't it good to hope that they will change and admit they have done wrong? My ex would never in a million years admit that he's an abuser.

Hang in there hun. I'm here for you



Shaz

Heather - posted on 11/10/2008

18

14

1

i tried to get a restraining order but was told that i had to have 3 police reports of abuse, so i would have to let him hurt her and i wont do it, so they dont always help

Amanda - posted on 11/09/2008

7

30

0

im curious if any of you women that have abusive ex's and are afraid of them being around your children.....have you tried to get a restraining order on behalf of the child or children? iam personaly not in that predicument but have heard about them. something to look into to help some of you with your children

Sharon - posted on 11/09/2008

85

63

3

Heather,

I hope you go well at the Attorney's today. Please let me know how you go? Has Hayli said anything about her dad since that incident? I hope you are well.



Melanie,

Your story struck a crod with me. I went through different forms of abuse for 7 years. GOOD ON YOU for getting out and getting both yourself and your daughter safe. You should be so proud of yourself. It will take you a while to trust again but you will get there. I am here for you whenever you want to talk.

Treon,

Thanks for your reply. Maybe you can share your wisdom with some of us in my group. I know i would appreciate it very much. Good on you for getting out.



Eduarda,

I can't believe how man men there are that think this behaviour is acceptable. Are you still in contact with your ex? My ex still plays with my head also.



I look forward to seeing you all in my group.

Love from Shaz

Eduarda - posted on 11/09/2008

1

6

0

Hi im also in your sistuation as my ex also did the same thing with me. He cheated on me with a family friend of his and i treated her like a little sister as she was 7 years younger than me. There was a day that i went to get my baby's stuff and i was about 4 months pregnate and he chased me up the street with a bass ball bat. my son is 9 months old and he has told me that i belong to him and im his only as no other man is ever allowed to have me. Im in a very hard postion and he plays with my mind majorly and i need someones help to get over this. If you have any advice can you please help me please



Eduarda

TREON - posted on 11/09/2008

29

32

5

HI, MY NAME IS TREON. IN THE PAST I HAVE, BUT I HAD TO COME TO MY SENSES AND KNOW THAT I DESERVE BETTER AND IF HE IS WILLING TO BEAT ON ME AND CALL ME OUT OF MY NAME HE NEVER LOVED ME. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3, 16F, 13F, AND 9M AND WITH THE HELP OF GOD I OVER CAME.

Melanie - posted on 11/09/2008

1

3

0

Hey My name is Mel, Iam 25 and have 2 daughters Ruby and chloe aged 4 years and 2 years.M y story is just so long and painful that I would be here all night typing it to you all! I have been sexuall, mentally and physiacally abused for nearly 5 years now, ever since I was pregnant with my first child,the father used to come and go as he pleased, he would play father and partner role for 3 to 6 months then would leave for 4-5 months partying and cheating then he would beg me for forgiveness this has been repeated roughly 12 times during my childrens life and my life as a mother> The last incidence occured nearly 5 months ago when he beat me knocked me out and left! Our girls were in the bath and anything could have happened to them, I was knocked out for about half an hour, when I came to I moved to a refuge and have now found a rental, I am even considering changing my name, so he cant find me ever again. I am doing well though it is over u see there has been so much shit and this is far from the worst thing that he has done to me, he has contacted me many times saying he will give me money then he doesnt, wanting fone sex, I am heartbroken just te fact that it is over I know it sounds silly but its the truth, I ahve been abused for so long that I think I am actually addicted to being abused being put down etc, The new area I have moved to I dont know a soul, am scared to meet anyone and am so lonely it hurts, If anyone can help me out I really need it, I am seeing psychs still, I ended up in the ckinic bout a year ago, I just need help, I am a good mother but find myself so lonely at night, I will not give in though, I am lonely but have trouble meeting, trusting anybody what do I do???? HELP please!!Q

Heather - posted on 11/09/2008

18

14

1

Hey Shaz my Hayli just turned 6yo. I have a meeting with my attorney monday and Im taking the pictures of her party with me I cried so hard that night after I put her to bed when I was posting her birthday party pictures for my family in MO. She looked so sad, and I just relived the whole day remembering how she clung to me the entire day and it was her 1st little girl party.

Michelle - posted on 11/07/2008

11

31

4

hi katy i would love to chat with u, i was in the same situation 2 yrs ago, stay strong

Michelle - posted on 11/07/2008

11

31

4

hi alison---- its very scarey to think about what could happen if u leave but its either leave soon or end up being killed, r there kids involved? if so u have to think about them, do u really want your children to keep seeing u get abused or do u want them to c u and them be in a safe place and be happy? r there abused womens advocacy programs where u live? if so u can contact them , they will get u out safely and put u in a safe place, and help u get on your feet, please stay safe and if u wanna chat u can add me on facebook

Michelle - posted on 11/07/2008

11

31

4

hello heather- i went thru the same thing with my ex and my son, what i did was get my 3yr old into anger play therapy for 6 months then his therapist went to court with me and told the judge how my son was when he started due to the inconsistent contact his dad had with him and how he is now able to express his anger in better ways than hitting and swearing at me, it does affect the kids emotionally when their dad is in and out of their lives, so now the judge orders i visit a week from 9-2 and if he misses 3 out of 4 or 4 out of 8 visits then i am ordered to go bak to court and file circumstantial changes and his contact will be eliminated, sometimes its better for the kids not 2 see them than 2 have them in and out their lives when its convient for the fathers., my son goes to preschool now , he loves it, and he doesnt hit or act out towards others, would love to chat more if u want

Allison - posted on 11/07/2008

1

7

0

I hope that shortly i can be as strong and brave as you. I have been in my relationship almost 5 yrs and am really ready to leave! But how did you get over being scared? Scared of what will happen, of how you are going to do it by yourself, etc? I would love some advice, and love to help you any way i can!

Sharon - posted on 11/07/2008

85

63

3

Michelle,

I completely agree with you. I left because i want my daughter raised to know what is right and what is not. I also primarily want her to be safe.



Oh Sandra,

HUGS!

I am so happy you got out when you did. I guess you know inside yourself when the time has come to leave. What contact do you still have with your ex? How can i get the strength you have to stand up? I'm still very scared of my ex and do anything i can to keep him calm. I would really like yo get to know you better.



Donna,

Thanks for your reply. You are right. But unfortunately not everyone sees things the way you do. My ex asks my daughter all sorts of questions and it's really not fair on her. I can't confront him because he will become aggitated. I don't know how to deal with this.



Heather,

HUGS HUGS! I know what you mean. I returned to my ex 4 times. I know the fear and the feeling that it's just easier to go back. How old is your daughter? My Nichole is 5 and she gets abusive towards me.....hits and all that when she doesnt get her own way. When i pick her up she always puts on a turn and cries and everything and that upsets me. I really don't want her to grow up hating me for splitting up the family but i know i had to do the right thing! Does the court know the extent of everything he says and how he makes her feel? How long have you been separated?



Hugs Shaz

Heather - posted on 11/07/2008

18

14

1

I went back more than once out of stupidity I guess. He was verbally abusive. Even now when he does decide to show up for visits he talks down to me and then Hayli gets very hateful and mimics her dad. She even started telling me she hates me. But when he didnt show up for 7 weeks after the 1st 2 weeks of hell she was her sweet self again. Then he showed up a week before her brithday and she and i ended up argueing for a day or 2 after. He didnt show up on her birthday but yet the day after. He has a problem dagging her away from friends and family at her past birthday partys so I did not invite him this year not to mention every time he called he had something aweful to say to me so i decided we didnt need his crap this year. He decided to show up the day of the party in the morning. He was so aweful hateful and rude to me Hayli ended up sick all day. He ruined her 1st "big girl" party. She got so upset and nervous because of his behavior she spent most of the rest of the day laying on the couch while her little friends that came tried to get her to play with them. It crushed me, I tried everything even my giuy friend that brought his daughter tried to cheer her up nothing worked. How do I deal with all this when the court says I have to let him see her?

[deleted account]

Remember that you are an example to your child(ren). They learn what they see. Always be the better person...never belittle the other parent to your child no matter how tempting it may be. You did the right thing leaving an abusive relationship...your child needs to learn that it's not acceptable to be treated that way when they grow up and get into a relationship and its not acceptable to treat anyone else that way. Saying is always easier than doing...but the doing while it may be difficult is so rewarding. All of you hang in there and your children will be better for it. Always be there for your child and be willing to listen and to talk with them. Keep communication open.

Sandra - posted on 11/06/2008

5

8

0

Hello to all... I was in a verbally relationship for years and then it turned physical. My husband hit me full fisted in the fact and then when I fell down.. he hit me again. I am a whopping 5'3" tall and he was 6'1' and outweighed me by about 70 lbs. That evening as I had my three kids together to leave...he pulled back his fist and was going to punch me again in front of our kids that were 12, 7, & 5. We left and never went back.



I was like all of you and he tried to control me after this incident. I filed a restraining order and made him pick up our kids at a neutral public place; then he had to behave as they went from one car to another. After a few months, he learned that there are boundaries and once we were separated that he no longer had a right to judge my life.



It was the toughest thing I had ever been through, yet it was the best decision of my life. My children will not grow up thinking that it is okay to hit someone else. It has been 7 years since I left and I still single with three wonderful and caring children.



I would love to help any of you gain the strength that I have and help you through this time in your life.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms