Anyone else's BD married?

Katie - posted on 11/23/2012

See my above post. I wrote this 2 years ago.

Julina - posted on 11/23/2012

It hard but you will get through this. You cannot change the past but you can have a positive attitude toward the future. Love yourself and your son. Have some positive male and female around him. Don't waste any more of your time and d energy with your ex. Stop communicate with him. When the baby is born let the court deal with him. I am a mother two girls. You can do this without him. P.s forgive yourself and him. This will give you peace and allow you to move on.

Zoey - posted on 11/23/2012

My baby's father is married still only because his wife has been dodging the divorce papers. I have to protect our son by not ever giving his dad his social security number in case the wife could try to use that against him on income tax time. Sorry I can't relate that much. At first thought I was just a mistress, but it gew into real love. He was already separated but as soon as his wife found out about us she went after him for spousal support and ultimately ruined our plans for marriage since she's dragging her feet in the divorce, looks like it won't happen and we'll be living in sin for the rest of our lives but we don't care what others think.

Mischa - posted on 09/01/2012

I lovvvveee a good happy ending! Congratulations!!! I'm truly happy for you But dying to know....what ever happened to that creep!!??

Katie - posted on 08/31/2012

Wow, I posted this 2 years ago, had forgotten about it. I am proud to say I am now married to an amazing man who regards my son as his own and will be adopting him soon. I also just have birth to our first baby together! Life is good :) so don't lose hope, any of you...

Mischa - posted on 08/31/2012

Oh my! Katie,

I am going to the same thing. The only difference is that I was a the mistress and did not even know about it-until that it, he brought it up at the DCSS Child Support hearing that he was "head of household with two step children" I was stunned!! After putting on a brave face ot my attorney AND to the court, I pretty much cried the entire way home and the rest of the day and night for that matter. He, like yours, said hurtful things in emails, pushed for an abortion (now it makes sense!!), and did not want anything to do with my son. Like you, spent my entire pregnancy very hurt because I was under the understanding that he was just angry with me and is freaking out. I was wrong-apparently. He had a wife to answer to-if she even knows. Yes, like you I was horrified that he rejected and abandoned his own flesh- but readily plays "daddy" with two kids that are NOT his own! The joke of it all is that he said in an email to me that he was "a solid man that takes care of his own." more like a selfish, liar, and coward. I also was devestated that I was robbed of the choice to have what was really an affiar. I would not have wanted involvement for many reasons. (no judgement on you-but at least you had a choice) I was lied to and used, like you. That is horrifying to realize. It cuts deep. The only good thing out of this is that he readily agreed to stipulate for me to have sole legal/physical custody. The only advice I can give you is that if he has NOT seen his child-say 6 months to a year AFTER the paternity results are in- you stand a damn good chance of getting it. If he "wanted to save his marriage" he might just give it to you in hopes that it appeases his wife and to keep you out of that picture. But all I can say, what we are both going through is very very rough and brutal. It will definitely take time to get over. Luckly, you will at least gvet over the "love" part as I did- but as for the anger and hurt...will take longer. One thing you can be sure of is: the wife does NOT have a good man. She chose to stay with him after this...do don't feel bad for her- it's her choice. so no "poor wife". But don't resent her. Once a cheat always a cheat. He will screw around again because they are inately selfish. Knowing this- are you not glad YOU are not the wife? Won't this give you some good news that YOU can find better....eventually with a damn good baby sitter on a friday and saturday night. When you are emotionally ready to date...you can put this behind you- as well as me. Best of wishes.

Dana - posted on 11/01/2010

Katie,
The 'encouraging' part of this is...the paternity test and your filing for child support. Good for you! You deserve this. Yes, there are men that can turn a blind eye and claim to have no emotion which contradicts the anger and abuse that comes your way. Log it all, keep the e-mails of his response. It may come in handy down the road, which means he has indirectly accepted he made a baby. This is not excuse, but by his reaction he is embarrassed, ashamed in the fact he got caught cheating and has to pass the blame instead of take ownership for his own actions. Move on....(not easy). Those traits are NOT want you want and it is best his wife deal with all those insecurities. The best security you have is...you still have a life, will get child support. If he claims he wants no involvement, get that in writing, so when and if he comes back and tries to disrupt your life later, you have a statement from him claiming his 'indifference'. It will be better for you in the long run. Hang in there and find the guy that was 'made' for you in the first place.....He is out there Katie. -- Dana

Denae - posted on 11/01/2010

My sons dad was married when I met him, then he di file for divorce that took over a yr b/c both parties dragged it out. I ended up pregnant during their divorce, and he kept running back and forth between us. Then i found out he was also having an affair with the "fiance"he is with now. Needless to say I saw the light half way throw my pregnancy and moved back home with my parents, and lost my job, and had to find another one. I tried losing ties with him but his family wants to be apart of their grandsons life, which makes it hard on me b/c his family has always been good to me. But he has only met his son twice, around 13 mos, and once around 15 mos. which he always maintain contact saying he's sorry he wants to be apart of his sons life, and blah blah blah. But has hard made an attempt, and then always turns around saying see you in court b/c I wont let his fiance be around my son, and tried the meetin with his family or in public but I dont think thats good enough for his fiance, she wants to be around but yet she has no custody of her kids, so no way am I gunna allow her around mine. He tries to bash me as a mother but he is a horrible father, def a dead beat dad syndrome. DONT LET THEM BRING YOU DOWN, YOUR SON DOESNT HAVE TO KNOW HIS FATHER, AND JUST BECAUSE YOU CANT GIVE YOUR SON MATERIAL THINGS DOSENT MEAN YOU CANT GIVE HIM ALL YOU LOVE. I DONT LET MY BD BRING ME DOWN, FORGET ABOUT HIM, AND REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL CHILD, AND ALL THE BLESSING THAT BRINGS TO YOU. YOUR CHILD WILL BE THE GREATEST JOY IN YOUR LIFE. I may have had to move in with my parents but now i have a great job, have my own place with my son, and i'm doing it all with out help from my my bd. JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU DONT NEED ANY MANS HELP, YOU CAN DO IT ALONE, I'M PROOF, AND ALL US SINGLE MOMS DO IT ALL THE TIME.

Cathy - posted on 10/31/2010

thanx Kirstin

Kirstin - posted on 10/29/2010

@ Cathy....I know EXACTLY how frustrated you are hun! *hugs* I will try to email you when I have a bit more time in the next few days. Hopefully I will have some time tonight to get back on the computer. :) I know how hard it is to be going through something like this and not have anyone to talk to that understands you or the situation. Hang in there! Talk to ya soon! :)

Cathy - posted on 10/29/2010

@ Kirstin. I also had the 1ce a week visitation thing and it lasted all but a week. Then it was monthly and just got worse. Now it's like no more visits. He also has a million excuses as to why he doesn't visit and i'm fedup. Doesn't help that there's a 3rd party involved. Since you've been there, could u please mail me. I'd like to chat and might learn from your experience as i'm at my wits end and don't know where to from here. My e-mail is concretemachinery1@gmail.com

Tara - posted on 10/28/2010

my bd is married...it happens i didnt know either he was livin 2 lives... she is 2 & he never wanted anything to do with us when we found out & tried to save his marriage.. shes 2 & hes never had anything to do with her ... just got c.s started after 2 yrs... i look at it as she is better off

Licia - posted on 10/22/2010

check out the child support enforcement agency in your area I used them with my boys they force paternity tests and take the daddy to court for child support. It is a government agency and you usually dont get much but it is a start

Jennifer - posted on 10/15/2010

Thanks for saying so, I just thought i'd give the "wife's" opinion, although people say i'm not typical. Y'all are special amazing women.

Cathy - posted on 10/13/2010

@ Jen - Your words are so inspiring and motivating.

Cathy - posted on 10/13/2010

Hi Katie. Same thing happened to me. Sperm donor was seperated and in the midst of getting a divorce. Showed me papers and everything. Well, also decided that i was not good enough after i gave him a roof over his head and supported him financially for months. She was aware of this. In the meantime he was badmouthing me to her behind my back. Needless to say that when it all came to light. It was over. I felt being made i fool of and to top it all, my eldest had gotten very close to him and was shattered when this all happened. I mean, he went as far as telling my dad that he wants to do the right thing by me blah blah blah. 3 weeks after the breakup, i found out i was pregnant. Happiest day ever. I wanted to go it alone, not have him involved. I didn't hear from him for the duration of my pregnancy and was very happy. When the baby was born, his wife begged me to allow him in her life, which i did. Worse decision ever. She beggs me but then forbids him from seeing my daughter. She is 6 months and he's seen her 5 times. It's been such a battle trying to make him visit regurarly and i've had enough. Slowly getting him out of our life. If i could go back, i wouldn't have told him i was pregnant to begin with. It hurts like hell knowing they not interested in baby but you know what? Once you hold your little angel in your arms, you'll forget about the ill-feeling that u are now having. You will think about it now and then but it gets better with time. Your child is a blessing and will fill your heart with joy. Good luck. PS file for child support. He doesn't have to see his child to support.

Marie - posted on 10/12/2010

am so sorry for u.For me i never knew he was married and after he avoided taking his responsibilities i investigated and found out he was married.That really hurt but I decided not to pursue him any further and have raised my child alone with the help of my family,

Barbara - posted on 10/12/2010

My beautiful baby girl is now 3 months. Her father and I were in a relationship but once I found out I was pregnant he broke up with me. I tried to contact him 5 times throughout the pregnancy. When she was a month old I called him to see if he wanted to meet her and he said no take him to court to prove paternity. So I am.

He has a new stripper girlfriend who he was cheating on and now he announced to his family they are getting married after 3 months of seeing each other. I would love my daughter to have a great daddy in her life, but secretly I hope her biological father will not be around unless he starts behaving better. She needs a quality loving male role model which he can not provide.

Funny thing his whole family are very kind and loving. His mom is her grandma, all his brothers and sister-in-laws have become her uncles and aunts and they love her to death. They say she is family and have open their hearts to us. We visit them regularily. This makes him very angry. They don't understand why he is behaving the way he is.

Only time will tell what happens. But I know I have a wonderful girl who makes me smile and why someone would not want that in their life who knows.

Bryndís - posted on 10/11/2010

Been there, done that! My son is 10 and he has never seen his dad. This man is married but he just "forgot" to mention that when we were dating. When i told him i was pregnant he said it could not be his child, he had his tubes cut a long time ago. But the DNA does not lie and the boy was his. He pays his child support without any problems but i have not tried to contact him since my son was 4 and he does not contact me. When the time comes my son will probably try to contact his father to find out why he wasn't around, but that is a bridge we will cross when we get to it. You can be a great parent to your son, he does NOT need a deadbeat dad around who does not care for his son or his mother. Do the best you can on your own, don't drag this man in to your lives. It will only complicate your life and make you miserable.

Jennifer - posted on 10/11/2010

I was the wife. The baby boy who resulted from that mess was a beautiful, wonderful sweet little boy. His father (my husband) was a complete jerk and his mother knew what she was doing and he was the 4th child from similar predicaments. Things happen. Sex is sex and marriages aren't always full of love. At the time my daughter was 18 months old, I was barely 20 and it hurt so badly. All i had to do was look in the eyes of the little bundle of wonderful softness and I was hooked. I fought tooth and nail to get him from foster care because of mom's previous abusive and neglectful actions. I was able to decipher fantasy from reality. Let crappy parents be crappy parents. Let them choose to walk away, you will hold a blessing in your hand that is nothing short of a miracle. The sperm donors will walk away and miss out on that and when the child is an adult they will seek out that person and have their say. "You failed me, and I am all the better for it." It will come. You are all amazing women and can chalk this up to "Stuff happens" and move on. See the blessing in not having to let your child go to someone you can't trust every other weekend. ~Jen

Kirstin - posted on 10/11/2010

Went to court, did the DNA/CS thing, been through YEARS of back and forth BS like him having visitation every week and then saying he was too "busy" or something and not seeing her for a month or more, ect.... You name it I have probably dealt w/it. :P *Just don't really want to post all of it here since some people who have never dealt w/the situation can be kinda harsh. :P I added you as a friend so I can email you more if you like....trust me, I know what you are going through! :( Hang in there hun! *hugs* :)

Jennifer - posted on 10/11/2010

So, let me get this straight... He is married, gets you pregnant, lies to everyone, and doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions? You can't throw life away, what's done is done. Get a paternity test and take him to the cleaners. You don't just go around fucking people and getting away with it. Get Child Support. It goes through court, and you get a nice little check in the mail without seeing his face. If he contests it, and fights it, he will loose because married or not he has a baby. Don't even waste your time talking to him about it, he will try to tell you your crazy and you can't do it. Once he is on the system, and the state you live in has his info, you will be set until your child is 18. What's he going to do, quit his job? I don't know what state you live in, but here and the 3 other states I've lived in, that shit adds up. If you decide not to pay, you can loose things, like your drivers license. It will follow him for life! They even take taxes to pay back child support. The best part, there will be NOTHING he or his little wife can do about it, ever! Plus after that email, he deserves it, and you deserve justice!

Katie - posted on 10/11/2010

Kirstin - what do you mean you've been through hell and back? What exactly happened?

Kirstin - posted on 10/10/2010

Hang in there hun! I know exactly how you feel! My daughter's father is/was married and I found myself in this horrible situation. Our beautiful little girl is 4 now but I have been through hell and back dealing w/this drama! :P All I can say is take it one day at a time! :) *hugs* File for CS through the county...they will do a DNA test, prove he is the father and get the paperwork done for CS. If he wants nothing else to do w/your baby then that is his problem. You can get all of that done w/out a lawyer and it is a LOT of work but is well worth it. All you can do is be the best mom that you can be for your baby! Good luck hun! :)

Katie - posted on 10/09/2010

I don't have a friend of the family who's a family lawyer...

Crystal - posted on 10/09/2010

I hate to say this, but I think you need some cold hard facts. That guy is only worried about himself. He's thrilled right now he got his azz and his marriage intact too. If all he has to do is walk away by her instructions, then its easiest for him to do. Why anyone stays in marriages they are unhappy is beyond me. All you can speculate is he liked the thrills of doing something naughty, and ended up being found out. Those kind of people will never blame themselves for the actions, it will just go all on you.

So what do you do now? Have one, and I mean, really good cry and leave this guy behind. He was not worth the emotion and time. Cease communication, contact the child support enforcement agency and let them have at it. At least you can have a minor giggle when his paperwork, dna tests and all become part of his life. The first time a bench warrant gets issued when he's behind, well have some humor in the fact you gave him and his wife a bad day. If you get nothing else from this man, you could use the financial support, since as a woman, we aren't paid crap compared to our male counterparts and every bit is going to help.

For yourself, worry about how you are going to raise a self-sufficient, empathic, caring, devoted man that you will soon welcome into this world, not the piece of crap who ran like a coward. This is a life lesson to you that you need to be extremely careful if this is not how you wanted to things to turn out, but now you have live with the way things are, not how you want them to be. The rest will work itself out.

Gayle - posted on 10/09/2010

Find a friend of the family who is an attorney who will do it pro bono for you...ask around-my next door neighbor's boss did if for me for less than $500 so I know folks are out there-go through your church and inquire...there are lots of folks who are willing to help if you have the courage to just ask. While you are at it, make sure you have a DNA test done (that the father pays for) and get your will in order (who the child will go to in the event of your death, etc). Don't leave any stones unturned...you never want this to come back and bite you or your child!
The most important thing right now is getting ready for baby's arrival! Enjoy these last few weeks of peace and quiet, make sure you have a great birth partner and lots of family and friends who can help you out from the time you get home for the next 6-12 weeks...and make sure you take time out for yourself-it will make all the difference in the world how you and baby bond and adjust to each other...join a first time mommy's group too-that really helped me!
Best of luck!

Katie - posted on 10/09/2010

That's the thing - of course they can afford an attorney, together their combined income is about $100K...I certainly can't. But I was definitely planning on filing, I absolutely 100 percent need the money, and on a matter of principal I don't want him to get away scott free and skip out on his responsibility...and our son deserves to be supported.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/09/2010

You don't need an attorney to file for child support, you go through the department of human services or your Attorney Generals office. I'm not saying don't file for child support because I think every child deserves to be supported by their parents. But once you open that can of worms, and Married man and his wife can afford an attorney and you can't it can turn into a roller coaster ride.

Katie - posted on 10/09/2010

I can't afford a lawyer, not even close, and family law legal aid attorneys are REALLLYYYY hard to find around here :(

Stacy - posted on 10/08/2010

I agree get a lawyer!!! I did even though my sons father said he didn't want anything to do with him I still got a lawyer. I now have full custody and primary placement of my son!!! The feelings get better with time I promise you that! Just look forward to your beatiful baby nothing else will matter!!!

Gayle - posted on 10/08/2010

I've been in a similiar situation. The best suggestion I can offer you is to get a lawyer that specializes in child rights, take him to court for child support, write a will that has your family members taking care of the child in the event of your death and MOVE ON!!!

My daughter is now 10, she knows that she has a father not a dad and she knows the difference between the two. A father helps create the baby but a dad is one who is involved in that child's life, is how i explained it to her. I also have told her that she is loved by many people and that I have enough love for both parents...on Father's 'Day we call it MommyDaddy Day and I go to any event that she needs me to go to on that day.

The most important thing is that you are going to have a beautiful child who will know the love you are capable of giving. Best of luck-you can do this!

Elizabeth - posted on 10/08/2010

Katie,
I'm sorry you're going through this pain. You did your part by telling him you're pregnant, if he decides to have nothing to do with the child than thats his choice.
I give the same advice to other women whose husbands father a child with the OW, if your husband doesn't want to be in the childs life then he needs to get out of it.

Save the e mails, because if they choose to bring you to court you have back up.
Its normal to be mad at his wife just as normal as she is probably mad with you.

Good luck and keep us updated.

Katie - posted on 10/08/2010

Thank you all SO much for your support...I can't tell you what it means to me! You ladies are wonderful.

I must say, it's getting harder as my due date gets closer...I'm due in just over 3 weeks now, and have been alone since I was 3 months pregnant. He hasn't contacted me since his last abusive email on July 8th (in which he threatened to sue me for slander for venting about him on BabyCenter), and on the one hand it's good but on the other it's just killing me that he cares so little. I really think he's convinced himself and wifey that the baby isn't his, but he will have a rude awakening once the DNA test is done...

Stacy - posted on 10/07/2010

Don't feel so bad. My son is 3 years old now. The day I had found out I was pregnant with my son is the day I found out that his father was married with yet another girlfriend as well! My family and friends were the best support group I could have!!! I can tell you the feelings will get easier!!!!!

Pennie - posted on 10/07/2010

Katie - It is heartbreaking, and we learn from such lessons. One lesson is that his behavior is abusive. Recognize that. Learn about the Power and Control personality. His intimidation is intended to keep him out of responsibility to your son. Don't let him get away with it. Go down to your county Family Law center and get advice on how to make sure your son gets the full financial support that he deserves. It is a long haul raising a child, and no way should abusive behavior get this guy off the hook for sharing in the financial part, even if he doesn't want to visit. penniesempell.wordpress.com. I hope this helps.

Nayanda - posted on 10/07/2010

When the money for child support comes out of his check he may verbally deny your child but he will get a daily reminder that there is someone else in this world that is here because of him. Cry, cry, cry, then suck it up and get moving. You have a baby to raise and he's going to learn all about love through you. What do you want to teach him?

Nicolette - posted on 10/07/2010

Be strong friend. It is not a nice situation you are in but this to shall pass as the saying goes. I am a single mom of a now beautiful 8 year old girl. I went through the same things more or less and to this day have not had any contact with him or he with us. I have not filled for child support and in the end it turned out to be the best thing for us. He decided to move away shortly after the little one was born and any attempts at that stage to try and find him was unsuccessful. My daughter knows he's alive and out there somewhere - I did not want her to think he was dead 'cause he might still have the cheek to rock up when we least expect it and that would be disastrous. I will not lie to you, it's going to be tough and there will be days that you will want to run away but you will get through it. Every time you see that little face your heart will melt and his smile will make you forget the hard times. I am not sorry for one minute that I decided to keep my baby and to go it alone. It was a turning point in my life and gave me direction. I live for my little girl, she is gorgeous and talented and I find myself thinking about her dad sometimes and wondering how he could be so stupid to not be part of this. He is missing out and you know what? It was his choice. He will never know her and that's okay. She does ask about him and we talk about it when that happens. Be honest but in a way that is not hurtful or that will make him feel rejected. In my case where he moved away and we had no chance of running into him it was easy to tell her that even though her mommy and daddy loved each other they couldn't stay together. It's never easy and being angry and hurt is natural. You do, however, eventually move on. Just don't wallow. Cry and scream and throw a tantrum if you must but never wallow. Start making decisions that will impact positively on you and the baby's lives. If you want or need his help financially then do what needs to be done but remember there may be long term repercussions in that. He may later decide to want to have a say in the child's life, are you prepared to deal with that? Sit down and try to calmly think about your future. Don't panic, because let me tell you, even when you think there are no light at the end of the tunnel, there is - and it's the other end not the proverbial train! Make sure you have a good support structure - parents, friends and family that will be there for you when you need them. Take each day as it comes and don't sweat the small stuff! If I can do this then so can you! :))

Nikki - posted on 10/06/2010

I think all men suck and I am not even gay... they are only out for themselves and the most selfish freakin animals on this planet... I have 3 year old girl and although he is in her life I wish to hell he was not.... I should consider myself lucky... and he pays the support... he sees her.... and he wants to get back together.. drama, drama and drama... but he destroyed the very essence of anything woman in me... he raped me twice once while he, i and my child fell asleep in the bed... and i froze and cried into her back ... the second time fucking sodomy... and i woke up to this..... I HATE MEN... and this damaged every fiber of me... and he is like well .. i though u wanted it... hello you stupid shit if i am asleep it is RAPE......cuz there is no consent......

Girl raise that child and trust this WHETHER HE IS IN OR OUT.. YOU are THE MOTHER.. and that is something MEN just do not get.... the BOND THING... it is falling in love for REAL and it is forever.. its not about him any more it about you and baby... shit I wish we could have children without having to get involved with men.. oh wait .. WE CAN... this individual that thinks he is man has no clue to what a real man is.. most of them do not.....

You have been giving a gift now give that gift back to the LORD as I have and I am not talking abortion ... I am talking ... HERE; this is what I said and prayed ... Lord you gave me a gift I was suppose to NEVER have... and she is not mine but yours.. my gift is to be her mother (shit I am weeping) and I rely on the guide you give me in order cherish this honor until she/he and I come before you and home...

That baby is your SON .. and GIFT from above.... if he did not think you could or be able to handle it.. you would not be with a child...

Sarah - posted on 10/06/2010

What he's said to you is out right abusive. I think on top of the child support case, you need to verify that he's giving up his rights as a father too. That way, 10 years from now he's not going to suddenly stroll back into your life and say "Hey, I want to step up and be a dad now" because he has his chance and he's being a 100% douche bag about it. That emotional pain that you're feeling has got to be the worst, I can't imagine the hurt you must feel but you gotta make sure that you're doing this for you, and not to spite him, and if you are ready to take on all of the bad AND good of being a mom, then it's just going to be a bump in the long journey of changing your life. But seriously though, make sure you get child support AND full custody. Otherwise this pain will continue sometime later in life.

Heather - posted on 10/06/2010

I am sorry to here that your babys father dosent want to be involved in your sons life. I am a single mother i have a daughter. she is 34 mths. when i was 6 months pregnant my boyfriend of 12years told me that the baby i was carring was not his since we had never gotten pregnent before so i must have cheated. I later found out that he was the one cheating. at the time of my daughters birth he refused to be there. His loss. His family wanted nothing to due with us. But i had the support of my parent and family. After my daughter was born we did try to work things out but found out the girl he was cheating with was pregnant we ended it there.
His new gf asked him to get a DNA test to prove that my daughter was his, i had no question she was his but we did anyways. Yes he is the father. He also resfused to sign the Birth cert. so i have left the fathers information blank. I made the decision to raise my daughter with out her fathers involvement.i have gone to court and filed paper that i am the only care giver to her. He is not responsable for anything including child support. i decided that this was the best way i wanted my daughter to have the best life and going back and forth and alll the negative things his new gf was saying plus he didnt want her it just wasnt worth it. for the frist little bit it was very hard financally and emontional i went back to work right away to support her i found a wonderful day care and did what i had to do. i worked through it with the support of my family. my daughter is the best thing that has every happened yet my life has changed so much. being a single mom is not easy. but i try my best. i enrolled my daughter in activities like dance and swimming at one of the classes i have meet a wonderful man who was at one of the dance classes watching his daughter. He has the same family values as i do. we started datinga but kept the kids out of it at first. about 3 mths into it we got the kids together it was great. now he loves my daughter like his own as we are talking about getting married and he want to adopt my daughter. I am not sure about the adoption to become her father but he is the man who WANTS to be apart of her life the father figure and its not because its his oblagation.
I rather have had to struggle then have some one who dosent love her as much as i do in her life. when my daughter gets older i will always let her no who her real father is but till then she has a great life. it was much easier to move on with him out of the picture.

you just need to think about do you want him in your and your sons life that includes his wife.
it is hard but not impossible as long as you have the support and love there is nothing more joy full than your little bundle of joy. It makes thing easy to move on plus look at the way he has treated you through out your pregancy and abandoned his son do you want him in your sons life.you want as much possitive support as possible.

Licia - posted on 10/06/2010

I am not in the same situation married wise but many "fathers" take this attitude. First, I am going to suggest getting in touch with child support enforcement. They will do the DNA test and take his sorry behind to court for you. I don't know how it works where you are but here in Louisiana even if he signs his rights away he still has to pay you child support. Second, I would suggest getting him to sign his rights away. There are so many good men out there that want children and are even willing to adopt their girlfriend's/ wives children. Third, remember that his adultery is not you or your childs morality issue. He is the one losing out as every child is a blessing in his or her own way. Forget him. Enjoy your child.

Martha - posted on 10/06/2010

Been there, still living it. My daughter's father hung around during the pregancy and then decided to "return" to the wife after she was 3 months old. He refuses to have anything to do with her. He also asked for a paternity test, which is offensive, but necessary for obtaining your child's rights. My suggestion? Go through the attorney general's office in your state. In the state of Texas, the AG's office is the one that manages all of that mess. If you file with them, they will contact him. He will have to go on record as requesting a paternity test, for which he will then be required to pay once the results are in and prove him to be the father. You are not "taking him to court" or "asking him for money" - you are giving him what he wants (paternity test) and at the same time making him legally responsible in a financial way. Having been a single mom for over 6 years now, I can tell you it has its challenges(!), but also great moments of joy and satisfaction. Because of her father's insistence on remaining detached, I have a lot more freedom to raise her the way I feel best, without his input or that of his wife (who is a "character"). What I chose to do early on was to leave the door open for him to see his daughter if he ever changed his mind. He's never walked through it, but at least my daughter will know that I never closed that avenue to him for her.

I promise you that this gets better - it takes awhile and nothing I can tell you will make you feel better at this particular moment, but in a few years or so you'll look back and be grateful that someone so unwilling to step up has stepped away. Good luck to you and your son - be sure to keep the lines of communication open so that this person doesn't come back to you and say that you made it impossible to see/be involved with his son. Your son will thank you for it later. I'll keep you in my prayers, and wish for you a safe delivery. -- Blessings...

Rachel - posted on 10/06/2010

oh honey, after reading that email he sent you, wow. Ok, first of all YOU are not choosing any life for him, HE chose it when HE decided to LIE and sleep with you. He is as much responsible for creating this situation as you are. Anything else is him being a coward and he is admitting that he has no self control in that email, and that he needs to separate himself from the situation because he just can't own up to his responsibility and additionally he can not control his future actions. His anger towards you is what they call projection. He can't handle what he has done, so he projects his anger and blame onto you, a more viable target, instead of owning up to his own actions. He is emotionally damaged goods. However, I have to say something, because I am total stranger and it must be said. Life is about choices. You are choosing to have this baby knowing his standing on it. It is now on YOU. You can't spend forever dwelling on what he wants and doesnt want. I thought this was YOUR LIFE?!!? Find someone stronger for you and your baby. You both deserve better.

Rachel - posted on 10/06/2010

Honey, his wife is not only condoning the situation, but probably the reason for it, demanding the situation. After all, he can't be trusted to keep it in his pants around you, so the best way to control that is to cut off all interaction. I am sorry that you are going through this. I have been in the situation where I was dating a former co-worker (we were no longer working together when we dated) and he had told me he was divorced. He had even moved back into his parents home. Then I found out that he was not only still married and "trying" to work things out but was also screwing the lady in his payroll dept. I was quick to get std tests that day. My point is, at some point you will get over being hurt, and just get mad. When that happens, and you stand up for yourself, you will feel so much better! My son does not have a father and my son is autistic. His dad would rather insult him and call him a scam artist, not pay his support and sit in jail on the state's dime, then do the right thing. And that is ok with me. Sit there. My support accrues while he is there. No big thing to me. Not only am I a single mom, but my mom has cancer, and my uncle has autism as well. I care for all of them, and myself. If I can do this, YOU CAN MAKE IT! At least it sounds like you wont have to fight hard for support. And really ... don't you and YOUR SON DESERVE a man who WANTS to be there for you? Let this loser go... he is what he is and all your wanting aint getting! Focus on a beautiful future with you and your son. Soon you will find a real man who will treasure you both!

Dionne - posted on 10/06/2010

You need to either tell this irresponsible piece of crap to not contact you if it has nothing to do with legal responsibility either or close your email account and not contact him personally. Any contact can be made through the court system. Don't keep taking that abuse from him. Yeah you made a mistake by having an affair with a married. Lesson learned now move on with your life and raise your child to the best of your abilities and always remember that children are GIFTS from GOD even though not everyone treats them like they are. Your child will have no ill will towards you as long as you're truthful when they ask about their father if you haven't met a good legally single guy by then whose willing to be a dad. Don't be afraid to have a background check done on the next man. Good luck!

Jody - posted on 10/05/2010

I know it's hard to believe but one day you will get more used to your situation! I was pregnant with twins to a guy who had just broken up with his woman, we shagged, then he sold his oats a bit more then when i was 6 months pregnant he got back with the ex, and that's when the vitriol and his stonewalling me began. IT.WAS.HORRIBLE. Things didn;t change when I had the girls - and now he sends birthday and christmas presents, but doesn;t want an emotional connection with his children. when the girls were around 20 months he was so cruel in a phone call that the best thing happened - i crossed a line, and thought I'm never going to cry about that guy again. I'll cry for sure about my girls having a dad who is going to be a cold ass to them later. But finally when he said horrible stuff in that phone call I got over treating him like he was an equal partner in the girls lives. It just happened, and it is great! It was exhausting to be so emotionally invovled with trying to get him to care. It is definitely a grieving process - what single mums go through when the dad is an ass. aand in relation to his relationship with the girls, well i9t's always going to hurt, I will always have to work at managing the gap between it being better for me to not have anythign to do with him, and my needing/wanting to mainatin minimum contact in the hope he may one day actually meet the girls, adn have a relationship with them. Talk with other women who have/are going through a similar thing. Talk to a counsellour, know that being angry/distraught about the injustice of how he, and his woman, are behaving. I have been angry myself at a society which allows men to pick and choose when they parent. But know that it's not going to feel as horrible as you do now for ever. And know that loving your child will be so wonderful that it ameliorates some of what you feel. Also, it helped when my bd's parents told me to give up hope of him caring, because it would not happen for years. I knew that in my heart, but it did help someone close to the situation saying that, and it felt good someone speaking the plain truth to me. I know your bd is being truthful (!) but he is being so horrible with it, it's hard to even believe someone you once made love to could actually mean what he says. Don;t beat yourself up about the affair. You are a strong woman, and you need all your strength to give birth adn move forward and hang with your son. Write your feelings down in a diary and write arffirmations and stick them up on a mirror. You need these to balance out the horrible things he says which you are taking on board. My bd has actually broken up with his woman who hated me and the girls, but he now blames me for his emotional distance because I am too emotional. I've realised that he would blame the weather if that's what can keep him and his heart 'safe' from his daughters. When my bd truned on me when i was six months pregnant, the best thing I did was to say I'm not talking to you anymore while I', pregnant because it stressed me out too much. It was the best thing I could hacve done - even tho later he used that as a reason for not talking to me for more than a year. But right now, you dont; need his stress. Look at what you are going through as a grieving experience and then you can know that your feelings are going to change shape and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. His behaviour will always be wrong, but one day you are going to be able to manage how you deal with his behaviour, with his absence and his cruelty towards you and your child. You're strong woman, you are already adn you are goign to get even stronger, hugs from New Zealand. HUGS! OOOXXX

Kalandra - posted on 10/05/2010

Well I'm so sorry about your situation. I would suggest moving on. He has mistreated you and he has abandoned his son. U deserve so much better!! I also think that you should file a court case also. U'll need as much help as possible to take care of your little buddle of joy. Daycare, diapers, clothes, etc. and if he chooses not to be there thats his loss. Keep your head up and put God first. It will work itself out. Much love and support to you and your son.

.. - posted on 10/05/2010

All you women out there with dickhead baby daddies, just let them go. Consider this a blessing to you and your child.
Life from here on in is about you and your baby - YOUR family. It's so extremely important to keep a positive attitude for your sake, your health, and more importantly, the health & happiness of the little one growing inside you!! :) You have a tiny little miracle about to come in to your life and he/she relies soley on YOU! How wonderful really! Especially if this is your first child, everything might seem scary right now, waiting for your son to arrive, but the moment he's born, all of that stress & worry will melt away. Consider having and raising this child without a man your 'challenge' and take it head on! Embrace the positive people around you - your friends & family ... and try your hardest to keep the negative thoughts & people out of your life. Your child can feel & absorb the negativity & sadness.
Having a baby can be one of the most wonderful events in a woman's life. It doesn't have to have anything to do with a man. Like I said, there is plenty of financial & emotional support out there for single moms, and there are LOTS of single moms in the same situation. You're not alone ... and you're in a far better place than you probably would be if that sperm donor was around anyway! haha!

The dickhead will someday regret his decision - and that's HIS problem. He's the one missing out!! Your son doesn't need a father like that. Consider him the sperm donor ONLY, and make your life the best you can without him. There's lots of financial & emotional support out there. There are other men in the world - and trust me, you WILL find one to stand by your side and join your own little family. :)
Good luck new moms!!

Mino - posted on 10/04/2010

My situation is different, I knew he was married when I fell pregnant, we both did no plan to but abortion was not an option, thank God that it was never an issue. He was supportive right throughout the pregnancy and he still tries even now. My son is 10 months old and he visits him a few times, though he's not an ideal daddy he tries. Sometimes I feel that I'm forcing my son to him because there are times when he would visit and not come in to the house to see my son. It just pains me when I think of what we brought our son into. His wife doesn't know yet about the baby so he still lies to his wife. We have agreed to go our separate ways it has not happened yet. Though he would not admit it but I see how he relates to our son that he's got a lot of reservations. I feel for my boy everyday. I know how he relates to his other son (by the wife) and I know its not the same way he relates to my son. I get frustrated most of the time that he can't be a father to my boy as he is to his other son but I know that its a reality I have to face. I use to hate his wife when he could not be with my boy because of her, when he had to leave me in labour because of her, when I had to go to paediatrician alone because of her, post pregnancy deppression, sleepless nights but I had to accept that its not her fault. She did not ask his husband to cheat and have a baby while they were married. I am slowly ridding my heart out of that anger and working on letting him go. Afterall I am alsoo to blame. I love my bou with all my heart and can't help anticipating the pain he'll go through growing up but I know I can be the best mom and dad to my son....