Baby daddy drama?

Courtney - posted on 05/15/2012

Ah, Helen, that is EXACTLY how I feel about children. He still seems to think he should be able to take the baby when he can, though. Even though I kind of have a specific way of how I want to do things for the first 6 months to a year, he thinks he should be able to take him...Doesn't make sense to me.

I know for a fact he cheated on me, he lead on a whole relationship behind my back during my whole pregnancy,(Up until a month ago when he said he didn't want to be with me.) and he was always smoking or drinking whether I was around or not, so I do have an extremely hard time finding that "trust worthy" side of him, since he hasn't done much to be trust worthy. I'm still not seeing the stability in his home life, either. I mean, lets get real for a second... he just home/relationship hopped... Ummm? I don't feel comfortable with him home hopping and expecting to take the baby with him when he wants to... He's been refusing to be comfortable with "being watched" while he has time with his kid... I mean, what else is supposed to happen the first year? I hope I'm not like, thinking selfishly, but like, come on... And the child support...psh. He doesn't even want to deal with that. But it's kind of a "too bad" kind of thing...I've already made up my mind with all that stuff. He's just gotta step up, or step out.

I've been trying to enjoy my pregnancy the last few weeks. I'd be lying if I said this didn't hit me really hard. I feel like a weak spot was just tampered with some days. I did really love this guy. Had so many times and memories with him. I just try really hard to keep my focus on the baby. He's starting to kick really hard, and I can feel where he is, and it really is a joy... it's just this aspect of it that makes some things so difficult... I know I have a long road ahead of me.

Helen - posted on 05/15/2012

ouch such a hard situation. My ex (who i have two children with) was a lazy so and so but thats about it we were only together a couple months before our eldest came along and he used to text other women while i was at work and still dont know to this day if he ever did cheat. just thought i would reply to say that i firmly believe parents should establish a bond with their child before introducing anyone else into the frame. children need stability and you have to feel confident that he is trust worthy and it is safe to leave your baby with him, whether that be through a contact centre or supervised by a mutual relative or friiend. As for child support contact the CSA for advice as they can talk to him on your behalf simple solution you dont pay you dont see! hope this helps a little and dont beat yourself up about it all enjoy your pregnancy. one chance if he lets baby and you down refuse access.

Andrea - posted on 05/13/2012

I was in a different situation, in which my daughter's dad (daughter now 3.5 years old) and I were barely "together" when I got pregnant, and he was angry I would not consider an abortion or adoption. Then he went the other way to wanting her 50% of the time from birth. I was living in HI at the time, and I sure wish I had legal advice BEFORE I took the path I took. I also gave the "you can walk away" card, and never asked him for child support. We even verbally agreed that he would not be on the birth certificate so he would not be financially responsible. But as he was there for the birth (and nothing else prior, really) he put himself on the birth certificate and put her name on, too. Granted it was a planned home birth that ended in a cesarean 33 hrs later, so I was in no state of mind to even notice that detail at the time... But the consequences led to a custody battle when I tried to move back to CO where my family lives for support (as he had lots of visitation but paid no child support whatsoever, and I didn't even know he was on the birth certificate at the time. So he ended up ordering me back to HI after giving me written consent (via email), because once he changed his mind (and found out he would have to pay higher child support if I had custody), the past was no longer relevant, so I had to move back to Maui and was not legally allowed to move until she was 35 mos old (our settlement agreement). It ended up that I had a few horrible lawyers, but finally a great one who really helped me and when he wasn't following any of the order, I ended up going back to court and eventually winning sole legal and physical custody...but at a huge emotional cost and financial cost ($14000 between CO and HI lawyers). Her dad then quit his job the day I was awarded custody, and hasn't worked since. I moved to CO where I have family support and a good job working as a preschool teacher, and he owes over $13,000 in unpaid child support now. So, PLEASE get legal advice NOW!!!! I wish I had, and regret not knowing the ramifications of choices I made. I wish you the best, and know that things are hard, but life can be wonderful....stay strong and wise. For you and your baby!

Courtney - posted on 05/08/2012

So, another update...
I haven't talked to him lately, nor has he reached out to me for anything regarding the baby. I told him I was tired of going out of my way to include him, and that if he wanted to be included, he'd have to put forth more effort & show that. (I said this because something in his mind is saying that he should be allowed in the delivery room, and that the baby should have his last name... ummm... no...)
I'm pretty much preparing for him to not be around, but I am taking the steps I need to in order to make sure he is financially responsible, and that my son will have a happy healthy environment to live in.

I've made it clear that he has some shit to prove, pretty much. And I will be taking the action I need to in order to make sure things are right.

I appreciate the responses, again. They really have helped give a better insight to my situation. :)

Danielle - posted on 05/03/2012

I'd advise for you not to wait until the baby is born. Get your ducks in a row now and determine your game plan. You can plan for contingencies based on how your ex might respond but at least you'll be ready. You definitely do not want to be caught with your pants down (robe hiked?) on this one -- you need to provide the best environment for your child. A lawyer can help you determine how to word any paperwork to insist on supervised visitation for the ex. Since it's supervised at the beginning, he will need to stay close to you & your family. When the child gets older and the ex has proven he can be trusted, THEN he can see about taking the child different places for a few hours at a time. If his current gf & her family wants to see the baby, then he can arrange for them to come too while your dad &/or you are around. I would recommend you have someone with you as a witness at all times during the supervised visits. Hopefully that will keep your ex from forcing his agenda. If he gets mad about you lawyering up, you can tell him it was to make sure the child would be best provided for should there be an emergency. It isn't as if he's helped at all to date.



Your ex also needs to keep in mind that even if he had the baby with him 50% of the time, doesn't mean he would be freed from financial obligation. If you're paying for the child's daycare, medical &/or you're making less than he is, then he would still be obligated to pay to offset your costs. At least it's like that in OK. You might see if the NV website has a child support calculator so you can determine a ball park for child support.



Best of luck!

Courtney - posted on 05/03/2012

I guess it'd be a good idea to add that I in no way said I'd ever keep my ex from being able to spend time with his son. However, I strongly believe since he has never had a stable home, and his habits are less than responsible, I would not want him to be able to take the child from me and be somewhere where I, (or my brothers or father) was not. I do live in a household where everybody is over 18, and there is always somebody available. That's how I was brought up, too. There's always been, and always will be adults in my house. (I make this point because I know teenagers are brutal sometimes. I remember being 16. I don't believe that's a good situation for an infant, and on top of that, I don't know these kids, or how the mother I don't get along with has brought them up thus far) These statements should say I'm being cautious for the safety and well being of my kid. I wouldn't ever want him in a situation that could pose harmful.

To my knowledge, he doesn't want to deal with anything legal. Meaning, he wants to do this as if we were still in a relationship, but not living together. If he does want 50/50 custody, he hasn't stated that. All he stated was that he believes he should be able to take the baby when he wants to/has days to. But again, given his track record, I don't trust him. And that's just a gut feeling based on what I've personally been through, and how I've seen and witnessed him act towards important matters. Again, he still hasn't helped me with much through the pregnancy financially, or anything else. So I find it hard to believe what he said since there isn't any concern for what I'm going through, but he wants all these decision making opportunities after our son is born... call me what you will, but a part of me believes with that behaviour, he gave up some of those decision making rights.

I've read that article a few times. But again, he doesn't seem to think anything of legal matters is necessary. He believes we can come to a common ground. But we both see family matters & life pretty differently.

Probably going to just wait until the baby is born to actually figure out what to do.
Again, I appreciate all responses.

Jolien - posted on 05/03/2012

You really want to be careful here, because nowadays, men have a lot more legal rights. 50/50 custody with no child support has become a very typical arrangement these days, and women who think they can control visitation are often seen very negatively (because it is not in the best interests of the child). If you know for sure that he doesn't want 50/50 custody, you are in a better spot, but some men these days say they want it, to get out of child support, and then do such a lousy job during their time that the mom takes on most or all of the child rearing without getting any child support. Other men want it, get it, and actually do a great job.

When my father was a young dad to my half brother, all courts gave full custody to the mom and child support with very little right to visitation to the dad, and it was not at all good for my half brother. His biological mom was relatively awful, and the small amount of time he was able to spend with his biological dad (my dad) was not enough to make a difference. Now, things have swung in the direction of assuming both parents are equally good until there is evidence otherwise, so you may want to document true reasons that he wouldn't be a good dad (criminal record, abusiveness, lack of responsibility), and keep in mind that the courts may fully give him the benefit of the doubt and at the same time question YOUR parental fitness and emotional maturity.

Here's information about Nevada in this regard:
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/child...

It even mentions that whichever parent appears to be more willing to share custody and facilitate visitation with the other parent has preference (because this shows maturity). So be careful about your stand on this. With a baby, the court may find no reason at all that it would be harmful for the child to spend time with another adult and her children, and in fact see it as a more stable arrangement than yours. Get a lot of information and find a lawyer, and definitely listen to that lawyer. Also, think a lot about what is most important to you -- you want your son to have a great dad in his life, and you are in a position to inspire greatness in the dad or what more commonly happens is that your pride issue in regard to the other woman gets in the way and pushes the father-son relationship downhill. Being really mature right now, not petty or insecure, will give your son the best life you can give him.

Courtney - posted on 05/02/2012

Thank you for your responses...

This woman and I don't get along very well. I had met her several times because of the work events & outings he brought me to, and I knew they had talked outside of work, but never thought much of it. I was pretty trusting of him at the time I met her. However, she did know I was pregnant, and she was told that whatever they had going on wasn't going to continue. I know the cheating is his fault, but she never told him that he should keep his word to his family, so I'm wondering what kind of household & children this woman has, too. (Personally, I think dating a man who lied to & cheated on the pregnant girlfriend is stupid and foolish. I'd never do it. I firmly believe in closing one door before opening another.) And she knows how I felt about her intruding on mine and his relationship, even though he initiated it, too. I've gotten angry with them over it several times, since I don't believe it's too fair that I got kind of shut out because of their selfishness, and I do get played out to be the "psycho ex" even though I didn't really do anything wrong. Unless trying to find a way for my family to function is somehow wrong. I did, however, say that I wasn't comfortable with her and her kids knowing my baby unless it was positive that she was going to be a permanent part of his life. I believe in stability from the very beginning. I don't think they agreed on that point of veiw.

We haven't been able to make any agreements about it. He kind of likes to say we should talk, but he doesn't actually get around to talking. Whatever he has going on with himself seems way more important than a plan to be civil & do the right things for our son. So it's kind of already a huge mess. I don't think he believes that I'll actually have to get legal about it all, but I have to. In Nevada if he's served the child support papers, and refused, I believe I don't have to let him even be around the child. He's aware of this, too. And he still thinks we can come to a common ground without the law getting involved. I think otherwise, since I don't get along with him at all anymore, and we disagree about everything.... but obviously I've been playing off my feelings for a while.
Mess, mess, mess....

Shavon - posted on 05/02/2012

I think he likes using people and you should make sure your comfortable with the idea of your new baby being with him and this lady. If he wants to spend time with his kid he should make a commitment and come over to your house or to a mutual place, don't let him just take your baby to another woman's house. You don't know if she has a problem with you and your child or what issues she has especially in the beginning. Also, make sure you do file for child support cause he needs to help you support this child, stop letting him play games with you and stay strong. This guy is a part of your life for a long time so you need to set the law down now for him on what you are having and not having before it really gets out of control. I wish you good luck.

Vicky - posted on 05/01/2012

in some situations you have to make him do these things and stand your ground my ex hasn't seen his son for over a year and owes over $300 in child support because i hadn't heard from him i didn't ask for it ($30 pm isnt going to feed my son) but now i think that money could have gone straight to him a 4yo having over $300 in his bank i think he would find that impressive:) so whether he wants to pay or not make him and if he does any custody things all the stuff mentioned at the end will help your case