baby daddy in and out, up and down! help!

Amanda - posted on 01/04/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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okay so i have two kids with my ex. i kicked him out when i was pregnant because he cheated on me, he had a bad temper, when he got angery he scared me, he was immature and couldn't hold a job. we've been broken up for a year now, he moved back across country. he hasn't been out to see his kids once. he's never seen his daughter. he doesn't pay child support, doesn't work. but what really annoys me is his mood swings and dissapering acts! he'll go a few months being good, calling once every couple weeks to check up, being civial, ect. then out of nowhere he's cursing and insulting me yelling, saying he hates me, telling me i have no right to know where he is or know anything about his life, which im sorry.. i think i have the right to know where he is at least. if he wants to be in their life. sometimes a week later he'll call and apologise, sometimes every time he calls he'll be this way.. regardless of his mood during our last conversations he also pulled dissapearing acts constantly. he'll just suddenly be gone. no calls, no emails, nothing. I'm really ticked atm because he was suppose to call on x-mas eve and he didn't, i haven't talked to him in almost 2 months. the last time i talked to him our son was having more probems with his epilepsy to , so the fact he hasn't called to check up on him... he was suppose to be sending me money last month and didn't. i don't want him to keep messing around like this! our son is almost 2 now and will soon be able to understand the concept of daddy visiting, or daddy calling. why should he be aloud to just come in and out of their lifes as he pleases? what did he do to deserve that right? contribute some sprem? I'm not sure if i should try and cut contact with him or work to keep him in or kids lifes. i don't want them to get hurt because daddy keeps ignoring them for months every few months. what do i do?!

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Ashley - posted on 01/12/2010

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Im sorry but I am kinda having the same problem. I have 2 boys, a 4 year old and a 1 month old but they have different dads. My 1 month old has never seen his dad and sorry but he never will. I want nothing 2 do with this guy. My ex wanted me to have an abortion but I refused. He told me if I had the baby he would make my life a liveing hell. He was a nightmare. He often called while I was pregnant and got me so upset that I was in tears and wasnt feeling well. I didnt tell him when I had the baby nor even talk to him. I wish he was in my sons life but than it makes me think "would u rather ur child have a father who keeps disappointing them or have a father whos not around?" I chose for my son to have a father whos not around because I dont want my child to have low self esteem because my ex was planning on telling my son he was never wanted and I didnt want him doing that. Over my dead body!! You have to do whats best for ur kids. It will be hard takeing care of them by urself but women are strong and as far as I am concerned, were better off without the deadbeat.

Shilo - posted on 01/10/2010

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-hey. i just have an opinion on this one. my kids father is around the same issues, ACCEPT that it has been over two years now and i LET IT GO. screw all that unsure stuff. allowing it to make space in your head and take up your heart and emotions is waistless. move on. let it go. sometime down the road when you are redy and willing a man will come along that may have potential of filling the position. but in the meantime stay strong to you and those babies.YOU are the one being mommy and daddy for the moment taking care of their every needs,it is not only unfair to the kliddos but to yourself. it was soooo hard for me to learn this and still undertsand it as well. it hurts to be honest to ourselfs BUT IF THEY REALLY LOVED US AND WANTED TO BE HERE WITH US AND OUR PRECIOUSE LITTLE ANGELS_THEY WOULD BE AND WOULD BE DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT BY NOW! i am sorry to be so blunt about it, accept i know the pain inside from it. and if feels so much better once i let go and realized i was doing it on my own and aqm capable and being successful at it. ive gone back to school and got a workstudy job and come home to the kids. i feel so much better about my life and stronger in seeing the progress that i have made. and to be honest. the kids dad calls everynow and then to talk to them on the phone ad doesnt yell at me anymore, i am allowing him to be the man-or not, that he it -the man that didnt want to grow up and take responsibility with me over OUR children. it is hard to get over it is a huge stone to move in our lkives but in all treality it is a part of learning an growing up for us as well. take care and good lyuck! for god watches over us all ad HE has a plan so much better for usthan any man! :)

Amanda - posted on 01/09/2010

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Christy Cox: my brothers dad did the exact same thing. my mom took him to court and got the judge to set a condition: if he missed three visits in a row he lost all visitation rights. it was tearing my mom apart to watch my brother be hurt by a daddy that decided something else was more important then him. he ended up losing his visitations and then signing away the rest of his rights. maybe talk to a lawyer about getting a condition like that put on his visitations.

Dana - posted on 01/09/2010

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It sounds like he is not coming in to the kids lives at all if all he is doing is calling you and upsetting you. If he is out then leave him out. If he is not supporting then send him packing, Although as I said it seems as tho' he packed and left on his own. Stop it all now while the kids are young, move on and let your life get better without his poison.

Christy - posted on 01/07/2010

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My ex is the same, you would think he is on drugs but he isn't...My guess is Bi-Polar--with the way his mood swings are... but you ladies Are right it is hard, you want them to have a relationship with their father but not the let downs and emotional problems that come along with the inconsistency and lack of priority for the children, these men tend to think of themselves before anyone else and do not take into consideration the child's feelings. What I do not understand is if I do not let her go to viistation, I can be arrested, but if he skips it consistently, they do nothing, every once in a while they might make them have supervised visits.WTF is that, so the custodial parent is stuck no matter what with the reprocussions of the other parents actions. ( I say this because I have seen some men go through the same things and they have custody) But it is like we are punished from trying to protect our children!

Jessica - posted on 01/07/2010

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My son is 2 years old. Daddy has never seen him and has no intentions of doing so. My father was like the man you speak of......constantly in and out of my life. I refuse to have my son go through this. When speaking to my sons father about everything i told him that he could be in his sons life but he would not do the disappearing act. He chose to never appear.

My son has questions such as "where my daddy?" and it breaks my heart but it is more emotionally stable this way. Follow your heart and do what is in the best interest of the children. After all, they are what matters most.

Rebekah - posted on 01/07/2010

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hey ive got a same prolem like yours i have 4year old and 3year there father walks in and out when he wants doesnt pay anything been part for over a year im the same do i cut all ties or do i try and work things out for the kids but my ex lives 10 mins away from so its hard drive past him and doesnt care its hard when hes in the kids lives there so happy there got there dad but when there gone where the ones who have to pick our kids up coz there so up sets why do males have the right to walk in when they want and walk out when they feel like it its sad my ex took my 2boys for 2hours on christmas day how sad its that and the even hard part when u have the ex's new girlfriend well not new he run of with my best friend tryin to put a avo on u sorry to go on bout my life my adivce is what i have been doin move on with life as hes not there try your hardest to do the best for your family and never put your self down to hes level if he ring hang up as u dont have to give him right to see him as theres not court orders in place i wish u all the best hunni they always say u cant teach a old dog new trick and thats males for ya

Nena - posted on 01/06/2010

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As a mother of two kids that left my husband because of physical and mental abuse I can only say this.... any man that doesn't feel that being there emotionally and financially for his children is exactly what you said... a sperm donor. I waited years trying to work with my daughters father giving him chances to step up to the plate and help out... needless to say I couldn't even get him to send 25 bucks a week. Some men are just mentally stuck in modes where they act like children and won't take responsibility. Mine can't hold down a job either, and not for nothing the mood swings and all that could point to a bigger problem such as a drug addiction you may not know about. Take him to court honey, he owes it to your children. He is their father and no one will be able to take that title away, but I promise you there ARE men out there that will step up to the plate and take up his slack. Do what you have to do for your kids and put down your foot. Let him know straight up if he isn't going to be a constant part of those babies lives just to stay away completely. They are young enough to adapt to a world without daddy. When they get older it gets harder. The worst feeling in the world is to wipe the tears of your babies because they feel rejected by one of the most important people in their lives... think about it mama.

Christine - posted on 01/06/2010

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Sounds like you got the same problum as me basicly my daughters father has a bad temper when he gets mad, he is immature, cant hold a job and wont pay his child support also he has not taken a class that was ordered by the courts to take for the sake of our kid. He at least sees our daughter but he is married and has a kid on the way with the girl she is 19 and he is 38 going on 39 in march he has sent our daughter back to me several times with clothes that are to small for her and has had cuts and bruses on her when she came back. When I was pregnet with her he pushed me several times I should of kicked him out when I had the chance but I did not now I gotta deal with him and his thing for the next 18 yrs I dont want to but I have to unless he signs his rights over. If I was u with the child support money issue if you have gone to court about it all go to Child support recovery they will take care of it all because I have to do that with my ex he was spose to pay december and january by the first of January and I have not seen any money yet from him and as of sunday my ex was in contempt of court because he did not go to that class called Child In The Middle which he was spose to go to I dont see him going and in the state of Iowa with the Child support if he dont pay in so much time he will lose his driven privlages and then his hunting and fishing and it also looks bad on his credit so its his fault for maken himself look bad if I was you I would just take it up with Child support recovery and talk to a lawyer about it all because he really needs to pay or sign rights over just like mine.

Jeniffer - posted on 01/06/2010

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I go thru the same thing with my kids father... only he is in the same town as me ( as far as I know) he doesn't see his kids and I go to court in FEB because he owes me thousands of dollars of support that he refuses to pay. I am going through my year waiting period and planning on having his parental rights removed. I don't talk to my children about him much and when I do I am very plain about the questions they ask... "mommie why doesn't daddy can or why can't you call him" " Idk why he doesn't call or come see you but I cannot make him do it and I'm sorry hunnie I don't have a number to get ahold of daddy" - it's heart-wrenching for sure but what can you do? The only thing I surmised is that you have to stay strong and mostly impartial... your child has a right to love the absent parent whether they are a jerk or not and you can't concern them with the finer details of their behavior. I wish you all the best.

Trisha - posted on 01/06/2010

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Amanda,
I agree with everyone. He doesn't sounds like a very nice person. And you can do better than him. You'll find someone someday; who will love your kids like they was his own. Just hang in there.

Cheryl - posted on 01/05/2010

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Hi Amanda,
It looks like you have had some really good responses to your post.
I must agree with those who have said it is time to move on and start taking care of yourself first and then your children.It does not seem as if your ex is very reliable or considerate of his children's wellbeing.
As a single parent, you have a lot to be responsible for. Decide to be the strongest, most productive you and allow the necessary forums to take care of him and his responsibilities.
I would suggest you make a list of actions that need to be taken and then work through them one by one.
Do not allow him to contact you as he is just sabotaging your progress. Lynn's idea of getting a degree or trade is a brilliant one. Do not be afraid to accept help from friends and family, that is what they are there for.
One last thing, remember that God is always in control, sometimes it may not seem like it... but He promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us. It is up to us to trust Him though.
God bless you and your children.

Lynn - posted on 01/04/2010

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It sounds to me like he may have some mental health issues (possibly bipolar). The behavior won't change until he acknowledges the need for help and gets it. This is probably what is keeping him from being able to hold a job too. If mental health issues are bad enough that he cannot work, he and your children could get SSI benefits. I would not press him about sending money, seeing the kids, etc. Just do your best to provide a stable environment for them and do what you are supposed to do. It will work itself out..PS. If you don't already have a degree or a trade, go back to school so you can better support the kids on your own. It'll be okay.

Tammy - posted on 01/04/2010

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As hard as this may be for you to read, I am going to say this. Cut your self off from your ex and just let the system handle him from here on out. You need to get yourself into a place where you can raise those beautiful children. I agree with the other mom that said you have to be there for your children. You do. The only way for you to do that is to acknowledge to yourself that yeah, he is their biological father but he is not a daddy and never will be. Once you come to grips with that the rest should fall into place. It will be difficult and hard but oh so worth it to go it by yourself. You have those children in your life and he does not. He is really missing the best thing to happen in his life. Just take care of yourself and your children and trust that God will work all of the other things out and make them work for you.

Graciela - posted on 01/04/2010

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Hi Amanda unfortunately some men just dont get it and one day he will realize what he lost you sound like a smart beautiful young woman and you have two beautiful children that need you dont waste your time being angry and frustrated trying to make a man do what he needs to do... spend your time loving your children and working on creating a positive and loving environment they deserve. As far as the father is concern go to the child support agency in your are and apply for child support they will find him, then let him go and work on you Amanda because those babies need you : -)

Joelle - posted on 01/04/2010

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hey! It's soo nice to hear someone is in the same boat as me. My ex after we got married basically told me he had secret intentions going after my trust fund for college. I tried to work things out for my son but I couldn't hang anymore. I was an empty shell and needed out. that was last year.

My ex's dad has seen him 3 times since April. all visits were shorter than 3 hrs.. this last visit was a whole 30 min.. hardly ever calls.. so I totally understand the whole in and out factor. He is already engaged and has another baby on the way!..

soooo anyway.. In my opinion I'm working on a way to get him out of my sons life for good. because thats going to cause my son harm thinking "why doesn't daddy love me? why doesnt he want to come around".. It all comes down to You gotta do what you feel is right in your heart.

If you think your kids will feel better having a dad partially around subjecting them to yelling and inappropriate behavior then.. thats one option.. otherwise.. you can tell the dad he needs to make a bigger effort in his kids life or you will take appropriate actions.. It might be harder on you as a single mom later to have to listen to your kids ask why they don't have a daddy.. but ask yourself if that'd be better than the alternatives.

so sorry to ramble on.. I really hope I helped you a little as I am still debating the same thing

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