Baby's Dad is Crazy......

Jillian - posted on 11/28/2009 ( 90 moms have responded )

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We just had a DNA test to establish paternity for my little girl who will be 5 months soon. When this test was done, that was the first time I'd seen him in over a year, might I add. Now my baby's dad is asking me to not go for child support and asked that he see his child and be able to take her during the day...I told him I would not go for child support, but after much thought, I decided I am going to file for full custody and child support. Now, right now he is civil (for him, at least). But I know the way he is, after I tell him I'm going for child support/full custody and that I want supervised visits, he is going to flip a lid. Some people said I should negotiate with him..try to settle things out of court such as visitations and him giving me so much money every week and if he doesnt; follow through, then file. I thought about that but I highly doubt that will go over well with him. I know he will definitely take offense to supervised visits. Now, the problem here is he is a very violent/tempramental/scary man. Hence, why I think he will most likely flip a lid when I mention that I'm going to file. I have not told him where I live..he knows whereabouts but not the apartment number. I was going to let him come see the baby at my house but after much thought, I don't think that will be a good idea. He is the type to harass, I know he does have some PFA's against him and he has also hit me on several occasions. I've also been informed of how he treats his other children which he does not have custody of either. Yes, he does have several other kids all with different moms. Yes, I know I was stupid to let myself get pregnant to him but I have to say I don't regret it b/c I have a beautiful little girl. Anyway, some of these moms I know won't even let him see their kids. So I am scared for me and my daughters life after I file, so that's why I decided not to let him know where I live. I'm going to ask him to meet at a public place...in a subtle way. I don't want him to know that I"m scared right now....So anyway again, I'm going to file for full custody, file for child support, and request supervised visits. Does anyone have any advice...am I doing the right thing? Anything is appreciated. Any questions for me..ask please.

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Debz - posted on 12/04/2011

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He made the baby he shares the cost! Simple. Do not tell him you are going to file, just do it and put it on record then that you have concerns he will become violent. Do not allow him to intimidate you! Be strong.

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I feel like ur doing the right thing. You are the only person who kno whats best for ur child. I kno if my baby father was to ask for visitation I would ask the judge to make it supervised because I dont trust him with my son. I dont care if he is the father or not. If anything happen to him I would be so hurt.

Angela - posted on 07/28/2011

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Sweetie you know his history!! PFAs etc....and yuh know he gonna flip!!
Stop debating!! Do the Court thing and make sure you tell the judge all about his violent tendencies!! Protect that innocent child of yours...Do whatever it takes to keep her safe!! Blesss....I will pray for you and th little one.

Emilie - posted on 12/29/2009

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Follow your instincts. My ex is crazy (he has Bipolar I with schizoaffective disorder which he does not comply with treatment for). He also can be violent and unpredictable. I was advised by my lawyer that going for no visitation was unlikely to be successful in my situation. My ex and I had been married for many years, so the court saw him as a committed father. Anyway, I was able to ask my ex to give me full custody. He also has only supervised visits unless he can prove to the court that he is complying with his treatment and his doctor files a letter stating he is not a risk. So far, this hasn't happened. I have been flexible on the visitation. If his mom (whom I trust) promises to stay at the house, I let my son go. I also let a couple of visits be supervised by his girlfriend at the time (she was also pretty trustworthy). Anyway, my philosophy during the negotiations (which are very difficult with an unpredictable person) was to make my requests sound as reasonable as possible to him, while still protecting my son. I emphasized that the supervised visit clause was for our son's protection and that I would be as flexible as possible when exercising it. In the end, my ex was having a good day when we went before the judge to enter our settlement agreement, so all went well for us.
In short, do what you need to do to make sure that your child is safe. Emphasize to your ex that this is not vindicative, it is to ensure your child's safety. Get it all in writing! Start documenting now what sort of contact and how consistent (or not) he is with your child. Once the legal protection is in place, you can always choose not to exercise any portion of it - but at least it will be there if you need it!

Lucy - posted on 11/28/2009

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do not negotiate inthe slightest he helped make the child planned or not! its hard n i was in ur situation where the baby daddy gets nasty but u have to think of wats right for ur child!! dont negotiate wit him coz he can always go bak on it than u have no proof n miss out.... DO NOT lleave ur child wit him alone if u do not trust him if u need any other help or further advice feel free to add me n inbox me

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Amanda - posted on 07/13/2013

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I'd want to know why the other moms won't let him see their children. Is he violent around them? I'd be very careful better your little girl is without a daddy then with a violent one. Best wishes

Kyleigh - posted on 12/13/2011

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i think you need the child support, whether you think so or not, its for bills, a roof over your childs head. All in all, you will be happy you filed regardless of heartbreaking stories from BD!

Luvmia - posted on 12/11/2011

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If I were you, I would see if I can use someone's address to file- somewhere at least 10 miles away from where you live. In Maryland, we have to state our address in court for the record. We also have to send copies of paperwork to the other parent which includes each party's address. So not a lot of privacy unless you have a restraining order against the other party.


If he is as violent as you say, DO NOT tell him you are filing! You may need to distance yourself and your children until after your case is finalized.

Bev - posted on 07/26/2011

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If you meet him anywhere it will negate any claim of fear of him...been there...you have to prove he is a danger to your child to get supervised visits and that is not easy - been there too....you need to move so he doesn't know the area, not go anywhere he can find you including changing jobs if he knows where you work.....you need to file for custody, support and a protective order for you and your daughter. A restraining order is only upheld by the court but a protective order can be upheld by the police...but you have to be able to prove violence - not a history with you going back around him...a current history where you fear for your safety so much you will not be around him nor allow your child to be...get affidavits from others regarding his treatment of children but remember he will have their information as well as know what they said and they may not want to be involved if he is truly dangerous...also did you ever hit him, etc? he can bring that up too if you did....not saying you did just pointing out obstacles...good luck to you darlin...I left mine when my kids were 2 mo and 16 mo - they are now 18 and 19 and he passed in 06

Allison - posted on 07/21/2011

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your totally doing the right thing! and if you want you can ask the court to assign someone to go to visitations with out if you really think hes that dangerous. depending on your situation they will hold him until after your gone to make sure he doesn't follow you home.

Carolyn - posted on 07/18/2011

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you need to go to the attorney general and let them handle it, same thing happend to me, my daughters father was "going to give me checks" for child support. and i didnt trust him so i filed for child support and of course he and his family got mad at me

Paige - posted on 07/16/2011

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I agree with your previous posts- Keep where you live a secret, to protect you and also your little girl . Go for child support, go for FULL custody and i think it would be a wise desicion to also get a protection order for you and your daughter, against him, for your safety. that is the most important thing - protect your little girl ! good luck xx

Paige - posted on 07/16/2011

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I agree with your previous posts- Keep where you live a secret, to protect you and also your little girl . Go for child support, go for FULL custody and i think it would be a wise desicion to also get a protection order for you and your daughter, against him, for your safety. that is the most important thing - protect your little girl ! good luck xx

Gina - posted on 07/15/2011

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Please, please please file for child support. You do not need to tell him that, he will find out when he recieves the necessary documents that state he MUST pay support for the child. GO THROUGH a lawyer for this to happen. DO NOT ALLOW THE MAN TO HAVE ACCESS TO THE CHILD UNSUPERVISED IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF HIM.

Christina - posted on 01/15/2011

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Since she is an infant, the courts might grant supervised visitation. If the father has been absent, depending on the state, they will grant a few months of supervised visitation to take place so father and child can get to know eachother.

Dana - posted on 01/15/2011

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i was pregant and my baby dad beat me got put in jail and is now on 2 year parole i was so so stuip after i had the baby i try to take him back but then he starte his crap again i was going to drop the pfa and all then just this year on dec8th me and him came to term that he will give me sole and primary custody and i got that and he has super visit with me as the person he had a very bad background about his self 3rd degree assult and pfa before from other people and drugs so u never know about someone til lthe end and now im having trouble getting over him cause he will text me or call me and now he wants me to lie in the court on feb 1st and say it wasnt him and his family bothering me cause he knows he goingto go to jail for 2 years im just happy i didnt drop the pfa and i didnt marry his butt cause his family is all drama and crazy his mom trys to own my little girl she locked me and my 3 kids in her home on xmas eve and the police came and it was crazy they told me if i out her in jail i have to go also cause i hit her off me and that was because i had my little girl in my hand and now i got everything for my daughter her father gave up all he dont want to see her or pay for her he told me if i give up childsupport he will sign all his rights over and i told him ok but if he dont follow with it ill go back for support u can always do that i just need some advice for my self how to get over him it hard also cause my little girl looks just like him

Kristina - posted on 01/05/2010

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I am in your boat and know how your feeling my babies father is just as bad. The problem w mine is that he knows where i live and him and his new wife are crazy. I say do it file for full custody and if you fear for her life try to get the judge to not allow visitation. If you do not want her arround him then do your best and fight for what you believe in and since he has hit you how are you supposed to trust him with your child. this is what i think Good Luck

Patience - posted on 01/05/2010

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I think you are right in not letting him know where u live. I filled through CYFD and they put my account protected from him knowing where we live or giving out any of my info. He sounds about the same as your childs father he had 1 other baby he told me about months after we were dating and then ours. He may or may not have up to 5 other children he wishes not to disclose and he was very violent to me and my 2 year old daughter. He beat me while i was 5 months and he attacked my little girl on different occasions. I have police reports on him as well. I moved away from where we used to live and I do not allow any visitation i tried it when baby was 13 months old that lasted 2 months he decided to tell people we were back together and then have the nerve to have dirty skanks trapsing about my 2 babies. Nope not this mommy My babies are safer with out that boy in our life. He currently has barely paid almost 800 and he owes several thousand. I have learned now not to fear him and that I am safer being away from him. Im letting the court sort through what'll happen to him and I am my babies custodial parent and until he gets over his meth, alcohol and random drug abuse and anger issues he will never see my baby. Because of his abuse my baby was a premie and she currently still shakes when she is upset, when i get upset and raise my voice it upsets her and she shakes. Its been a hard life before she was ever born almost lost her and thankfully she is as healthy as she can be shes finally catching up to normal weights and hieight and will be turning 3 in 5 months. We havent seen her dad since she was16 months and we are Happier with out him :)

Melissa - posted on 12/30/2009

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remember these simple but important things
1. your child will sense your fear and will be afraid
2. you don't deserve the child support but your baby does and she is what counts
3. if you are afraid there is probably good reason, public and supervised visits are wise
4. DO NOT let him know where you live
5. in addition to supervised visits ask that he take anger management and parenting classes
6. your child is the most important thing in the world you are her mother it is your job to protect her from anyone including her father and yourself
good luck

Jenny - posted on 12/30/2009

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Wow, sounds like what I went thru, I had a 6 months relationship with man who supposeably had a vasectomy. (hence my beautiful little Angel, she's 4 now) after 2 years of "allowing" him limited visitation, all the while trying to formalise custody. I had a "shared parenting agreement. Then on xmas eve 2 years ago he took off with her, I had to file emergency documents thru court on the 28/12, when most of the courts were shut. Luckily enough they ruled an emergency recovery order and I got her back after 5 days of hell. he too is very unstable, violent, the works. Anyway all I can advise is Put it thru the Courts as soon as possible, I was prepared for supervised visits too. They allocated her an independant Childrens solicitor, who didn't care what either of "us"wanted, only the welfare of the child. Takes away the emotional crap. Finally they have ruled No contact with Father, sole parental responsibility to me.

Aurelia - posted on 12/30/2009

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if you do plan to negotiate with him. make sure u have everything in writing. keep a journal with times and date. when writing in the journal, make your notes detail and nothing person. the reason i am saying make a journal is because it is evidence that you can present in court. i believe you should do everything through the court.

Coral - posted on 12/29/2009

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I have never been in your sitiuation thank fully. But Going by what you have said about this guy, I would not give him an inch!! You have to look after yourself and your little girl and you need to do whatever it takes to keep you both safe!!

Good luck and stay strong!!

Jessica - posted on 12/29/2009

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why did you go for a paternity test? I would have let it be. If you were fine with just you and your baby, why rock the boat. You are going to be in for a long fight. I don't know either of you, but I have been in a similar situation. Good Luck!

Maria - posted on 12/28/2009

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Dear Jillian, Of course you are doing the right thing! I can understand the fear you are going through, and there may be upcoming problems once the filing is in process, but those problems I'm positive will soon linger considering his past. Make sure you and your child are safe.

I too have held off child support and custody, but I'm sure once i meet a new man I too will have the same issues you are having right now.

So be strong, and keep smiling : )

Marisa - posted on 12/28/2009

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Get a PFA, IMMEDIATELY. Do NOT let him know where you live, actually tell him that you have moved. Get a PO Box, that way if he wants to send you money, send it to the PO Box. File for full custody and child support immediately. Do NOT negoitiate or talk to him at all starting NOW and don't let him visit with your child at all. If he finds out your filing and there is no agreement he could take your baby. Don't even tell him you're filing, that will just give him reason to go nuts. Get the PFA first, that will help your claim of full custody and supervised visits (being he has a history of absue). Some states allow you to claim "Good Casue"- this means you don't have to give certain personal info like your address, phone number that would show up on court documents- if it's believed that your life or your childs life will be in danger by revealing this info. If you really are scared, then get the PFA now and go to family division and file. Tell them your story, make sure you bring a copy of your PFA and any police reports you have from domestic incidents. Good luck to you and if you ever need someone to talk to, or anything, let me know- I've been through this before.

Jodie - posted on 12/24/2009

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just a little warning,if hes violent man,and you tell him of that request,trust me it wont take him long to find your apartment,all it takes is for him to ask around,and he will find you,men like that,do get angry,and they seek their ex out.so that you need to be aware of.if you are aware of what triggers him of,to make him angry,then in order not for that to happen,you need to do whats best for you and your baby,and i would seriously get a trasspass order or a protection order,talk to your lawyer,raise you concerns.course you clearly know he will get mad,so you need to protect yourself inside your home. like i said,it wont take much for him to find you,especially if he knows where you are living.so dont tell him,let your lawyer deal with it.but protect you and your girl first.before he gets the paper work.he could stalk you or anything. depends how bad he can get.you are doing the right thing.if you cant trust him,then you have do what you have to do.and make sure you have friends and family support,dont do it alone.dont you go worring bout his other kids,just worry bout your girl.i think supervise visits are good,do it with someone that you can trust,like family maybe.yes well if hes a type to haress,then men like that,will stalk people,it comes hand and hand,with violeance and so on.untill hes willing to reconize he has issues,and to get them fixed,then you are better of going for full custody,stinging him for child support,and getting protection at the same time.dont show him your fear,course he will feed of it,and that you dont wont.but hope it goes well,good luck,be strong k,no women deserves that treatment from any guy.all the best...and merry xmas.

Darlene - posted on 12/23/2009

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I am in a similar situation. I understand why you are concerned with telling him what you really want. You do what you have to do to keep you safe. People could never understand why I did or didnt do certain things. I just tell them to mind their own business. I have to do what I need to do to survive.

Emily - posted on 12/23/2009

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I couldn't negotiate anything with my daughter's bum of a father. He straight up yelled in my face that he wouldn't help me pay any medical bills or anything.

So I didn't tell, I let the sheriff (who served him with court papers) tell him he was being sued for child support.

Using the fact that he has PFA's against, and is abusive, and that you're scared for you life, you'll win. You'll get whatever you want.



Doesn't matter what he wants. And if you don't sue him for child support, he will not pay. I sued my daughter's father and in the process a wage garnishment that was on him got taken off, and until I was finally able to get another one on him he never paid, even though there was a court order.





Guys are shady. Sue his ass.

Kristina - posted on 12/21/2009

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stand ur ground! my daughters father tried that crap with me too...the whole "id never do anything to my daughter...and of course ill give her back" DONT BELIEVE A WORD, and let his dumbass flip out. U have to stand ur ground! I was in a really bad situation when my daughters father demanded to take our daughter. Long story short, he cheated on me and left me while I was 6 months pregnant, and then not to long after our daughter was born, he came to the house (the same house we both use to share) and beat the crap outta me and took our daughter. Thank goodness he did return her to me, but i got myself and my daughter the hell outta there and filed for an order of protection. Its still been hell ever since...but i still dont trust him and never will. If I were u, and this may seem harsd, but I wouldnt even answer the phone. Remember, thats ur baby, ur the mother, and ur in control. He doesnt like it..then tough shit.

Lisa - posted on 12/20/2009

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If your scared for your life and your baby's life you have to allow the courts in on this. I would not contact him personally at all. Let the courts serve him and him appear. I would go to your local attorney for abuse and talk to them. If there have been instances where he's hit you or threatened you get the documentation. If he does do it again, go to the hospital, get pictures, keep a journal with dates and times and get someone in your apartment complex to keep an eye on you from time to time where you live to make sure he's not followed you home if he gets upset later. In this state, if there is NO child custody arrangement, the law is whoever has physical possession of the child has custody...my ex took my kids from me for an entire week. I know sounds short time, but for me it felt like a year. Until I took them back after school. I would not allow her out of your site until custody is in writing.

Ronna - posted on 12/19/2009

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im in the same situation w/my daughters father, but i got a restraining order w/myself, her, & my parents as protected parties b/c he was so violent w/me & said several times infront many people he would kill me if i ever had another man near her. i have changed my number & never stay at home alone b/c i take his threats seriously. that being said he harasses me on facebook & myspace still threatening to sue me & blah blah. i dont know where you live in indiana if the parents arent married than the mother is the custodial parent...the father has to sue to have any type of custody or visitation. also once a child support order is in place than the non-custodial parent is garunteed the visitation set up in the parenting guidelines. for a my daughter who is 10 months here in indiana it would be 2 or 3 days a week w/1 over night. additionally to get supervised visits here the parent petitioning for visits has to have been investigated by child services for the court to grant your request. i am lucky & thankful that he is a pitful excuse for a man & hasnt sued for visitation b/c he doesnt want to pay child support. i am also very grateful that my current boyfriend/future husband loves her as his own (as does his family) & is planning on adopting her as soon as he can after the wedding. do waht you think is best...i chose to keep her from her "father" b/c he is not stable & i know that nothing good can come of their relationship at this point. best of luck!

Jennifer - posted on 12/08/2009

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I think you're absolutely doing the right thing - sperm doesn't automatically mean he is a great father and should get to see her anytime he wants. And if you are concerned about harassment, I'd say good for you for requesting supervised visits - good luck with everything!!

Rachel - posted on 12/08/2009

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My childs father does not pay child support but slips some cash when he feels like it. When the baby was born I demanded supervised visits as he is a drug user, had stiolen from me and to be honest, is totally insane! He flipped and threatened to take my child away by saying I was unfit to be a mother because I had taken anti-depressents when we were together. He then started punching walls and tried to block me from exiting his flat. Luckily he did not harm me.
After that I met with a solicitor. I explained the situation and she advised me on my rights which made me feel a lot stronger. He has no right to demand anything off you at all. If he is violent there are orders you can get keeping him away from the child. There are also centres where he can see his chiild supervised by social workers and with or without you if that is something you agree to. DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE YOU LIVE AND MEET IIN A SAFE PUBLIC PLACE. Maybe take a friend with you. I managed to negotiate wiith my ex because I put the fear of god in hiim by standing up and knowing my rights. He sees my son in my house supervised by me at all times but he was never violent......If he has hurt you he could hurt your child. Good luck. x

Candice - posted on 12/07/2009

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I know how you feel about the physical violence part. My baby daddy was violent with me. We went through alot of drama after I filed. If you are that worried, get a protective order. Also, if you go to get supervised visitations, make sure you have plenty of evidence to support your claims. If not, then you have to hand your baby over to this man. So make sure you have all of your ducks in a row if you go to court.

Desiree - posted on 12/06/2009

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I was broke without a job when I filed as well. I get state health insurance and because of that I was able to file for a deferal of payment. It is a huge pain in the ass, but it helps in the long run. It would have cost me over $500 to file. It can be done. Go down to your county court house and look for the law library or self service center there. You can also go to the county court website and look up info there as well. You can also look in the phone book under family law lawyers and some have free inital consulatations, they will ask you a few questions and tell you what they think you should do. Cal several of them, get different oppinions, they all wont have the same one. Some states or counties even have services where you can get pro bono work done, you can call the bar association in your area and ask, its worth a try. Az doesn't have a program that lists the lawyers that need pro bono work done (they all have to meet some sort of quota of pro bono work), CA does, but since I don't reside there I can 't get help that way. File police reports if you can, save all calls he has made to you and threatening texts as well. It will help you out. I have my phone FULL of texts from my ex telling me to fuck off, calling me a cunt and telling me I'm worthless, my familiy is worthless, emails of him talking shit to me....SAVE IT ALL!!! I have cut off contact with him, I now talk to my girls through his current girlfriend, oddly her and I get along. I do not respond to his texts or emails, I will not speak to him and let him manipulate me the way he has before. The best thing to do is cut all ties. If you have any questions feel free to email me through here...I don't know it all, but I've looked into laws and court systems in two different states. If you need someone to vent to I'm here as well.

Joanna - posted on 12/06/2009

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You should get in touch with your case worker if you have one. They should be able to help you get the help you need for filing for full custody. I need to do the same thing. My son is 7 and his dad has no clue where I live, work, what my number is or where my son goes to school. The one thing I suggest when filing for child support is to put down and address other than your own. Because in Co unless you have a restraining order they put your address on the support paperwork. I use my moms address just because he has always known where she lived. I went to court and they ordered that he have visitation...the way the order read was that he was to have 4 supervised Saturday visits at my moms house in a row and if he skipped a Saturday they would start over, after that is was to go to weekends at his house unsupervised. Luckily he never made it two visits in a row. That was ordered 3 years ago. It was very hard on my son he began lashing out, became violent and even was kicked out of daycare. I grew up without my dad in my life and didn't want to deny my son or his father the chance to get to know each other...but now I know it wasn't worth it I should have filed for full custody the day my son was born. Good luck to you . Let me know how it all works out and if you need anything you can add me and send a message to my inbox.

Kimberly - posted on 12/04/2009

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I just finished a custody battle, and I was informed that as long as there is no custody agreement, he cannot legally take your daughter from you until there is a court order. So file for custody, and DO NOT let him see you OR your daughter until court is finished. Good luck hun!

Nakeia - posted on 12/04/2009

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Yes you are doing the right thing? Right now he doesn't know where your living, keep it that way. Don't tell him that you are going to file for child support/full custody, he will get his letter in the mail or be served. You know that man better than any of us so you already know not to give your child to him or leave her alone with him. If you can, once you gain full custody and get your child support I would move. Also let the people at the Family Court know that he is crazy and you dont want him to have access to your address. I hope all is well take care.

Nakeia - posted on 12/04/2009

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Yes you are doing the right thing? Right now he doesn't know where your living, keep it that way. Don't tell him that you are going to file for child support/full custody, he will get his letter in the mail or be served. You know that man better than any of us so you already know not to give your child to him or leave her alone with him. If you can, once you gain full custody and get your child support I would move. Also let the people at the Family Court know that he is crazy and you dont want him to have access to your address. I hope all is well take care.

Marcia - posted on 12/04/2009

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If you have to get a restranding order against him then do so, but you have to have proof of violence and a threat towards your child. He can and will get angry about the custody and child support but he will never pay you on his own what the courts will issue. The care and welfare of that beautiful baby girl is whats most important.

Nicole - posted on 12/04/2009

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Tough Question... but i'd go for a protection order as well as the custody. Be prepared, you may have to forget the supervised visits altogether if there is the question of personal safety. Your life is worth more than a baby's relationship with her father. If you're worried about him hurting the child, dont hand her over. I walked out on my child's father when bub was just 3 months old after months of begging him to stop his drinking and drugs resulted in the first and last beating i ever got from him.
My baby boy is now almost 7 and has not seen his father since then. I have custody, and the father's parental rights were terminated at the same time as the custody arrangements were done. His father does not know where we are and my son is not enrolled at school under his father's surname.
After years of going without to provide my child with what he needed ( there have been major medical issues with my son as well) I'm finally getting some child support but in all honesty, i dont expect that to last. Every time he works out that i know he's working, he quits so that he doesnt have to pay.
We are a lot happier without that in our lives and my son is not lacking in male role models.
For your own safety, PLEASE get a restraining order, dont let him near your child and move if need be. Fathers like that are not worthy of the title "Daddy". Your safety and that of your child is paramount!

Aricka - posted on 12/04/2009

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I'm right there with you only your wanting to atleast let him around your child. I don't want mine around at all. My ex also has 2 kids from two different moms and he doesn't have custody of one and lost custody of the other and isn't allowed to see them. So I agree with you when it comes to not letting him take her alone.

Belinda - posted on 12/04/2009

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If you decide to keep it out of court and he doesn't want to pay child support, then make a list every week of things that you need. He is responsible for his child as much as you are. Diapers, formula, clothes, daycare, baby wipes. He may be more agreeable to that. If I were you and scared though, I would file a restraining order right away. Honorable men will take care of their children. You shouldn't be in fear, that is a huge red flag.

Jillian - posted on 12/03/2009

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well i told him i will not let her go with him alone, and he didnt take the option..he said he'd rather not pay child support and sit in jail since he cant have her when he wants...and he also will not pay for visitation. he will not pay for a child hes not allowed to see..hes so full of bullshit, its amazing lol. i havent filed for full custody cuz i ahve no money to right now. i have to wait til i get a job and some income flowin in again. i was told even tho i didnt file for it, i still am allowed to say no he cant take her. but to look good for the courts, i should give him an option which i did and he rejected. i told him it was all because of his short temper.....hes so unbelieveably mean..geez lol

[deleted account]

If he has hit you in the past there is no way I would trust him to not do it again. My ex has threatened to throw me through windows, kill me, etc. He never hit me, but it came pretty close a few times. When my son was 2 months old I left him and I will not allow him to be around my son or I alone. You can file an order of protection and he will have to stay away from you and the baby. I know how you feel...you probably want to do the right thing and be fair about it, but the fact is he's getting what he wants. Right now he gets to control the situation that he wants by not having to support your daughter and get to be around you and your daugther. These kind of men cannot be trusted and its best to get the courts involved now and protect you and your daughter now before she gets older and it gets worse. Good luck to you and your daughter.

Earline - posted on 12/03/2009

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Sweetie thats normally how they do when they know its their child. but most men are scared of the system .take care of your baby and make sure he dose to. we aint lay down alone and make our babies so let that dude handle his bizznes and take care of his child.pay that good good child support ,tell him what i tell mine clock in on time and my baby money betta be right

Bettie - posted on 12/03/2009

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Girl please don't ever give in to him!!! I've been there before and let me tell you right now he's trying to scare you and make you mad so you'll give in to his request. Also if you stand your ground and don't give in to him he will eventually back off and either go away or meet you demands. Also check with social services or legal aid to see if you could get any assistance. Also get a notebook and write down everythng. what he says, how your daughter acts when she near him/after visits, your phone conversations that end up with a bad reaction. trust me this will help your case also see if ya can get in touch with the other mother and have her testify about how bad he is. or see if ya can get a copy of the record that lists the PFAs. Just please be safe and do what best for your child we're all here to support you!

Samantha - posted on 12/03/2009

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i wouldn't negotiate if i was you i would just file for full custody im in the exact same boat as you, at the moment he's disappeared because i haven't bothered him about child support and the last time he saw her she cried hysterically and im just hoping he doesn't come back and demand things because i don't yet have full custoday and don't yet have the legal right to say no, so if i was u i would file, then he has to follow ur rules and u can keep ur baby safe and happy.

Jillian - posted on 12/03/2009

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So i talked to someone about filing for full custody..didnt know it cost money and im broke with no job right now so thats outta the question right now. babys dad called earlier leaving a nasty sounding message. called him back, asked him why he had to be so damn mean. he said cuz he tried calling everyday and im never here..which is funny cuz i been here and i have caller ID...his name was not on there at all! he said call me at a decent hour so i can see my daughter..and hung up. then he called back, did his version of an apology..and said he'd call tomorrow to come pick her up. i explained that he wasnt taking her, that i wanna be with her if he were to see her. he declined that offer and flipped a lid. said he would never take her from her mother, he would bring her back. i said i didnt wanna take that chance. he was like, God damn it, your gonna do the same thing my other babys mom is doin to me. my other kids love me blah blah. i said im doin it cuz of his temper. he said, u see how i treat my mother i would never do anything to her or take her away from her, or treat her badly. he said when we go to court on wednesday, they're gonna wwant a payment from me and im not giving it if i cant see my child. i'd rather sit in jail then give u a payment not being able to see my girl. i said u can see her just i have to be with her cuz i dont trust u...he said then dont f*^&%in call me, ill go to jail..click....ugh!!!!!!!! i shoulda never got the damn dna test cuz its obviously gonna be hell from here...he is so good at making me feel like shit!

Jessica - posted on 12/03/2009

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Always remember that everything you are doing now effects not only your life but your daughters life as well. He got himself into this position and he has to deal with the consequences (meaning his temper and the fact that you are scared of him being alone with your daughter). When you take him to court make sure you have all your facts even those about his other kids. I would suggest even asking the other moms of his kids to possibly write a letter stating why he doesnt have custody or visistations, this may help the judge rule in your favor.

Dacia - posted on 12/03/2009

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Sweety I would like to tell you what i did and what i think because you have gottena lot of good advice and so many women have been in ur shoes .More than we even know. So here goes....When I was 2my mother remarried and to a pshychotic freak . I mean he beat her ALL the time he mentally screwed my head the f*&% up!!! My mother had no control.Several times she had a gun in her mouth. NOw if course it would be a long story but i will get to the end . So many things happened in my child hood that I have had to fight just to have a normal head on my shoulders and nit lose what mind I have left. When I was 15 she put me in a mental hospital and she packed everything in the car and hauled ass!!! Now even after years he has still attempted to make casual contact. After years of abuse me and my mom were never right again ,BUT we made it. At 18 I had my first child 19 my second 20 my 3rd and 22 my last child. My last childs father would randomly AT FIRStT hit me or rather fight me after the arm grabbing,and pushing and getting rid of my friends. For * 9years on and off we fought.THIS IS WHERE MY ADVICE COMES IN (it may or may not work for you) I got to the point hwere the death threats no linger chilled meto the bone.Now i had always defended myself with him but now mentally I was prepared to fight. I took out child support years before but he flipped. So finally I told him that if he did in fact harm me in any way he would not ever see his son because he would be locked up and if I dieid he would never be able to get to my child. I told him if it was my time then it woud be my time but I also made it clear that if their fathers EVER took my kids away that I would hunt them down and life would be over as they knoew it ..It was in my heart that I would go to war with my enemy whomever messed withme or my babies. In my heart i knew i had to protect them from a childhood like mine. IF YOU HEART tells you something is wrong with this man and you need to get SUPERVISED visits then there should be no visits and I know this seems harsh but think about it. If this man was safe with your child the thought of supervised custody would have never even crossed your mind. I dont know what state you live in but if it is North Carolina then if this man had child support on him and is determined the father then if a court order ISNT established he can physically take the child and the police will tell you as long as the baby isnt in harm he has the right and you would physically have to take your child back. I have been thu it witha friend and its crazy!!! Decide what is SAFE for you and your child screw worrying about him flipping because he is gonna flip on anything at anytime anywhere public or not.YOU may have witnesses in a public place but will they do something if he goes haywire? DONT risk it, I dont know if you can move but it is a good idea IF you can .IF not do the things you can do to protect your home,have neighbors watch out for you change you number have the restaining order served get in court and if child support is in the mix then even better but with everything you have said about this dude it is very obvious you have a problem. Just go back and read everything you've wrote and picture it as one of your friends.What would you tell her to do?Follow your instinct honey,there is nothing better than a womans intuition. Men like this survive on control.YEs this is dangerous and yes there is no sinple solution,but if he has you wondering about all this then he is still controlling you. YOU 2 may havemade this child together but you do not want your child abused by his father. Get all your paperwork straight tell CPS to look inot his background deeper these other kids he has you say youve heard arent treated right there may have been a case opened on him with another baby mama , Any way hun I guess I truly feel yourpain and I tries to think of everything I could to get you motivated and otake back control of your life.Your child depends on mommy to protect her and yourself. Take those small events that happened whne you were with him into consideration because it is a escalation of much worse to come. I pray for you dear and I really hope you come thru this stronger and wiser...IF you EVER need someone to lsiten you can always contact me....Dacia

Kristie - posted on 12/02/2009

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I hightly recomend going to a support group for Domestic Violence. It is a wonderful place and there is so much legal advice. they can really tell you the ins and outs on how to deal with this the legal way. Stay safe and go with your gut. You are the only one that truely understands his violent side. Just remember that anger managment does not help abusive men. I also was in an abusive relationship so I really understand what you are going through.... I now have full custody and child support is ordered. My daughers father only gets supervised visits. My goal was to make things as hard on him as I could. The more hoops he had to jump through the more likely they are to stay away. KEEP THE CONTROL IN YOUR HANDS. DON'T EVER GIVE HIM THE POWER! Stay safe for you and your little girl, you are doing the right thing. also you can tell the judge that you do not feel safe so he will have to pay an agency for superised visitation. Think about a protection order. Any Domestic Violence advacate can help you. be sure to see an advicate before you file. they can help you stay safe. There is lots of support if you look for it. Good luck

Patrica - posted on 12/02/2009

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dont tell him what u are doing just do it and they weill send him papers they wont give ur adress if u aks then not to and if that bad try for an ofp u have to think things thought and then make a decision for the best of ur and ur little one

Latania - posted on 12/02/2009

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make sure you tell the court about your fear, make this the very first thing you do UNDERSTAND!!!!!! This is scary do whatever you have to do to stay safe even if you have to move.

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