becoming a single mom

Kayla - posted on 10/23/2008 ( 24 moms have responded )

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Just recently the father of my child left me. I am 36 weeks pregnant and scared for my life! He is from Australia so there could be troubles with child support. What suggestions and advice does anything have!

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Antje - posted on 11/13/2008

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what i would add is that apart from the very good advice that you should be good to yourself (which we should be, always!) it may be helpful to just let that fear and sadness you're probably feeling by now, having thought most of your pregnancy that you were gonna be a family with three persons instead of two, just let these feelings happen to you. in order to be finished with them when the right time comes and be ready to feel the wonderful feelings that come along with expecting and having a baby. i must admit, it took me most of the time of pregnancy and some time after that. it still overwhelms me once in a while, but that happens a lot a less often now. it's ok! you're no superhero, you may be sad. my gyn said something like "your baby knows you're alive when you allow your emotions to happen and don't suppress them". that includes negative emotions. they belong to you as well, they have their reasons to be there. they have to know when it's their time to go, though. it's what i've kept in my heart and head ever since.

TREON - posted on 11/13/2008

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HI, I WAS HOPING EVERYTHING IS OK W/ YOU AND THE BABY. DON'T BE DISCOURAGED BE ENCOURAGED. MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS.

TREON - posted on 11/12/2008

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no offense to anyone, rather a guy is from this country or another. it is very sad but i, myself have gathered up (once i get into a serious relationship) i get social security numbers, dob, home address, drivers license #, i go jon the internet and do a back ground check, etc.



i pray to GOD that you are able to get child support out of this guy. guys don't understand how it is to be pregnant, labor, give birth, nor the responsibilities that comes along w/raising children, these children have neccessities that the parents have to provide until they are 18 years of age.



i wish you all the best that are struggling w/this issue.

TREON - posted on 11/09/2008

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HI, MY NAME IS TREON. DON'T BE AFRAID EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE OK, JUST TRUST IN GOD AND EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT, BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I HAVE 3 KIDS (SINGLE MOM W/ THE HELP OF GOD).

Erin - posted on 11/06/2008

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I think everything has been said but I just wanted to offer you some more support. I have been a single mom for 11 years and its both wonderful and hard most of the time. You will do what you have to do to get by but you will love your child with every part of your being. There will be many tears and much laughter. Don't ever be ashamed to ask for help wither its from your family, friends or the government. Good luck and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy...:)

Dawn - posted on 11/06/2008

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I haven't read all the posts but the advice is good. You will be ok and amazed at the gifts of motherhood. You were ment for this and you have all it takes in you at this very moment. Join La Leche League and you will find the most incredible support network. I have a 14 year old daughter. I left her father when she was 3. He died when she was 5. My son is 7 , I left his father when my son was 1. His dad struggles with addiction and does better and worse at times. If you do get child support consider it a bonus. Allow the fear to come and go. It will. Hang on, you are in for the best ride of your life!! rejoice!

Trisha - posted on 11/05/2008

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Hi Kayla,



I have 2 children and have been on my own for 4 years, but may have well been alone raising the kids when he was there. YOU CAN DO THIS! Go to the local social services in your town, apply for everything. Believe me it there & its available for people like yourself. Use all your resources, find info online. I'm not sure where you are from but I was able to get monetary assistance, healthcare, etc. You do not NEED a man like that and neither does your child. But believe me the SOB will probably come back around when the baby grows up & want a relationship. Is he staying in the country? They can attach wages & tax returns. You must go to court to have a court order of child support in order to enforce anything. You need not have been married to him to recieve support. You also do not need a lawyer to go to court, you can do it pro se (that means you represent yourself), but there are lawyers out there who may work with you.



Most importantly, take care of yourself. Your baby needs you. :O)

Elissa - posted on 11/05/2008

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First and foremost plan to NOT have it. Then it can be a bonus if you get it. My daughters father left me when I was in my first trimester. I dont have an issue with child support with him, but he is just very mean to me. You need to just get in the mindset that you are going to be a mom and a dad and try and not stress. Dont stress about the things you cant control and just let everything fall into place. Once I finally stopped hating him is when my life became normal and happy again.

[deleted account]

That's awful! I was a single mom up until very recently, and I know how hard it can be. Since all these other lovely moms have pretty much said it all, I'll offer what I can. I know its' little help, but if you're ever planning on college (finishing, getting a masters, whatever) I advise for a small private school. I'd be happy to try to find a program that will fit your needs where you are, since I have some resources you don't. You're not alone in this!

Katie - posted on 10/28/2008

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I found out I was pregnant two weeks after the father and I broke up. It IS scary, but try to remember that it is also amazing. I don't know your religious beliefts, but I am a believer that God Will will not lead me where Gods Grace cannot find me. You take your baby, you love that baby with all your heart and never, EVER be afraid to say you need help or you're overwhelmed, because it happens, even to super moms! I only needed to make one stop, to Social Services, and they signed me up and for any and every program that could help me. Best of luck and Congratulations on the beautiful, wonderful, amazing baby that you're going to have!

Nikki - posted on 10/28/2008

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Kayla, I know the thought of being a single mom is scary, but know that you have a lot of support in your community and through sites like this. I would use your resources (like the county you live in) to help you and protect yourself and child as much as possible. I wish you and your little one the best. Stay strong!

Nikki

Justine - posted on 10/27/2008

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You will be fine if he dosnt want to be with you and his child he isnt worth having around he will just mak you un happy just keep your self happy,healthy and keep family and friends close thats what i have done ive been alone since i was 3 month and my daughter is almost 12 months

Mandi - posted on 10/27/2008

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Well, first of all darling, just take care of yourself through your pregnancy. The best thing you can do for yourself and your child right now is to eat well, exercise, and take deep breaths.

Easier said than done, right.

These ladies are right in that you can't rely on child support. Even if the dude is totally reliable, you never know when its coming, so you can't count on it.

You will figure out a way to take care of yourself and your child, but right now the best thing is to focus on getting through the remaining weeks of your pregnancy and birth.

After your child is here, you will need to establish paternity before you will get any money from your child's father, and that may be difficult if he goes back to Australia. I don't know what kind of financial resources you have, but you can hire a lawyer. If you can't go that route, talk to your prosecutors office. If you will or are receiving government assistance, they will most likely pursue this issue for you.

Rache - posted on 10/26/2008

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Most of what I want to say have already been said by the other single moms here. :D

I have been a single mom for 6 years now and I'm loving every single second of it. It's such a blessing that my family is above-average financially and they supported me and my daughter until I graduated from college. God blessed me with a bright daughter and she's really an angel sent from heaven. I've learned to shop ahead of the or after the season so clothes come in cheaper, that's one of the biggest lessons I've learned. Hahaha! And never ever underestimate the power of super sales and coupons. :D

I know someday you would want your child to live a normal life, but no matter what we do, without the dad, it can never be normal. They don't call it single parenting for nothing, but just pray. Believe that God is writing the best story for the special bond he's going to give you, the bond between you and your unborn child. And one thing that I'm glad I did right from the very beginning (when I felt her flutter inside my tummy), was to never lie from your child, tell her everything in a manner and language that she will understand. Kids are perceptive and don't ever underestimate their intellect and keen understanding. Because the more open your communication lines are (no barriers such as lies or hidden secrets) the more your child will trust you, the more your child will understand what the two of you are going through (that we can't buy so many stuffs until mommy brings home another good paycheck), the more she will love you, the more she will be easy to talk to and be confident about her existence (that's she is here because she is loved and that she's not some mistake or transgression--this helped my child face questions about her missing daddy). My daughter is the best friend that I have ever had and God speaks to me through her (My child says she runs away from the candy machines because they tempt her to spend her money, she just reminded me that we will bump into billions of temptations in this lifetime, but you can always run far and fast away from them and not feel sorry in the end). And your child will help you pick a great man someday. :D Because their innocent hearts can tell who's fake and who's true. Children aren't really superficial, a guy can shower them with toys, and junk foods and things that they love, but they feel it when what you have with the person is real. Sometimes it creeps me out that my daughter knows me too well. :D

Have fun, it's (single-motherhood) a bumpy ride, but it's the one journey you will absolutely love and be thankful for. Just believe... God bless!

Kathy - posted on 10/26/2008

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I'm a single mom of an almost 5 month old girl. I haven't seen the father in 4 months. I'm not going to lie, being a single mom is a challenge, but nothing you can't handle! Motherly instincts really do kick in the second your baby's here. Your family and friends will be a huge help in this endeavor. Everyone loves babies!! Also find yourself a case worker. They really are there for you. They can let you know what you need to get child support and other things like food stamps, vouchers, medical benefits, and some other government assistants. You're going to do great and it will all work out!

Gigi - posted on 10/26/2008

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Hi,, If he is in this country right now working, or on a visa working or something then, he has to have a way to pay taxes. I know this because I work in Wisconsin Dells and we have alot of people working where I work from other `countries. Recently, this girl I work with got pregnant by a guy from another country. I think what you should do is get enough information as possible about him. If you are on any kind of medical assistance or anything like that, which being a single mom, you should check into, so your medical is paid, and usually they will help you get set up with child support so you can make the S.O.B. whimp pay the child support. I dont know how it is anywhere else, but in Wisconsin, they make them pay for atleast $1200 of the birthing costs. If they dont pay it, then they get it taken out of their taxes. And now, not paying child support is a federal offense is what I was told by an attorney. You will be just fine. Whatever you do, don't give in just for the baby's sake. That can do more dammage than good to the baby. A child knows when its mother isnt happy. Take care!! Keep the faith and good luck with your new gift!!!! Thanks Gigi

Dana - posted on 10/26/2008

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I have been reading all of the advice everyone has given you and I think it is all very good advice...But the only thing that i am worried about is the part about you are scared for your life...I am not sure if you mean this as an actual threat to your life or if you are just scared...if you are actually scared for you life then you need to contact the local police...you not only have yourself to worry about but that baby too!

Jessica - posted on 10/26/2008

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I haven't been with the father of my child since i was pregnant (she will be 6 in december and I LEFT HIM!!). You will be surprised how your instinct will kick in and you will just do what you have to do to provide for your child. If you need to apply fopr assistance, do so thats what its there for as long as you dont abuse it.......it helped me go back to school and provide for myself and my daughter without it. And most importantly......keep your head up, trust me if i can do it you can do it, and do it well!!

Susan - posted on 10/25/2008

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I don't have any advice except surround yourself with friends and family who are supportive and I wish you all the best.

Melanie - posted on 10/25/2008

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Don't start out thinking that you have to have that child support. Even those of us who get it cant always rely on it. I am a single mother of a 6 and 11 year old and their father has a spotty record with paying his support. If I relied on it I would have been beat a long time ago. Its just a bonus at our house. Usually we go do something fun with it. Do not worry. All obstacles can be overcome. Many of us have been where you are and made it. You can too.

Kristin - posted on 10/25/2008

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I am a single mom of a child who is now 2 1/2 years old. His father has only seen him three times and that was before he was one. I have never received a dime from him and I never will. I say good riddens to bad rubbish. I would rather my son grow up in a loving environment then have that albatross on his back for the rest of his life. I have found that things can be tough but I have always found a way of working them out. In fact, right now I am a full time nursing student. I am in no way rich by any means, but there are ways out there in which you can better your situation and enrich the life of your child at the same time. I still worry about money and other stuff, but my biggest worry right now is potty training. I also know that I will be rewarded some day for the hard work I am putting in now. So I guess my advice to you is do not rely on the child support to live. If you get it then bonus. If you don't then you know at least life can go on.

Amanda - posted on 10/25/2008

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Your a mom now you will do anything and everything it takes to support your child. From experience you don't need a man. My ex was an alcoholic and though I let him he still pays no child support and very rarely see's my son. I am luck y and have family and friends to babysit while I work. I am not on welfare and only work one job. It can be done and it takes a lot of budgeting. But moms survive we don't stop worrying if we are doing the right thing. Being scared is natural just remember there are people around you that will listen and will help

[deleted account]

Get as much info on the father that you can. So later on you can use it to get support. I wont lie it will be harder to get support if he is in a different country as you. Talk to your local child support office. Take care of yourself and things will work themselves out. Take time for yourself when you can and enjoy your pregnancy. There are plenty of agencies and other things to help. Talk to people. You are not alone. Ive been raising my daughter on my own without her father for almost 2 years now. Its hard as heck but totally worth it. I am pregnant and due in Jan and not with this babies father either but thats a WHOLE nother mess of problems. When your lil one can give you hugs and kisses it is so special. Expecially the first time they call you mommy. I still remember the day my daughter said her first word it was papa (my dad) but it was totally special. He is so proud. There are other guys in your life that can be positive role models to your child.

Jacqulynn - posted on 10/24/2008

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Kayla, I completely understand your situation. I had three months left to my pregnancy when my son's father left me. As scary as it can be there are people and places that can help you. I know there is welfare. It is put there in place to help people who NEED it. I don't know where your from but you might want to look into that. If your going to get maternity benifits they may or may not help you. There is always public health. They have helped me a lot. We have a program here called Healthy Beginnings I love it. I have someone from public health come into my house once a week or sometime two weeks...really depends...and she shows me all kinds of things. The biggest thing you need to remember is that you are NEVER ALONE. there are people everywhere that know exactly what you are going through. Family, friends and even then here on circle of moms that are more then willing to let you know that everything is going to be ok. I know I was scared on how I was going to beable to pay for my apartment, oil, power, and phones by myself plus deal with my son's health issues. I have managed this long. I am fine. All I can tell you is if you start feeling overwelmed tell someone, talking about your feelings to either your family or a health care provider is better then trying to handle it on your own. I think you will do fine as a mother on your own. Worrying is something we all do as single mothers or mothers in general...It's what we are best at!

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