Being given a rough time as biological father not involved

Julie - posted on 11/17/2010

I was in a similar situation until about a month ago. After asking him to help out his daughter and send some money for her to get much needed school stuff. him and I had an arguement. He also told me that he was in a Biker gang and he didn't mention his daughter in public becasue she would be in danger. then in the same breath he turns around and accuses me of me keeping him from seeing her... ummm wait a minute 1st who is the one who spent the income tax money and took the time off of work to fly my daughter and I to him so he could see her for the second time in her life. ummm.. who is the one that told him he was welcome to come to my house and stay for a week and spend time with her... and I'm keeping her form him. This is the way a friend put it to me. 1st of all he is not on her Birth certif. ( that alone gives him no right to her) unless he is willing to prove DNA.
I ended the arguement with don't ecpect to hear from your daughter and a click... Have not heard from him since. Wich is fine by me. I've gone 10 years with out support from him what's another 10

Kirra - posted on 11/16/2010

Going through something very simular. I found out I was pregnant 6 months into our relationship. SO we got a dating scan to see how far along but I waited to get the scan for when he could come to town because he lived and worked in a town 3 hours away (we only saw each other on weekends) and the scan told us I was 12 weeks along. Two weeks later, by text message and the week of our first Valentine's Day, he told me he didn't want the baby and that 'I' had made the decision to keep it. I was so upset i couldn't make the trip to see him. From then on it was silence from his end until in March I made the trip up for my BF's little girl's first birthday and all he wanted to do was get down and dirty and not discuss the pregencey and what was going to happen. After that weekend, it was back to silent mode on his end. I tried ringing, texting, emailing, and talking to him on skype but recieved no communication so I gave up and went ahead with things on my own. Then one night (about 6months pregnant) in a hormonal mood I emailed him with a rant and giving him an altermatem and within a day he started texting me, sucking up and so on. It was everyday for about a week and then only on Sunday after he had heavy nights, which was every Sunday. Then it went down to nothing again until the week of my due date where he came and stayed a few days before leaving to go back to work. They day I had Ruby, my Dad used my phone to send out announcements and all I recieved back from him was 'I hope you are okay'. And theb I heard nothing from him. Knowing his parent's names and the area they lived in I sent them an announcement card. A week later I recieved back a letter saying 'what a surprise it was to find out they had a new granddaughter that they knew nothing about'. He had not told his own parents.
His family has been awsome and have sent gifts, cards, and letters saying how much they want to meet us.
Four days ago he makes contact with me being all apoligetic and wanting to come and see us. Finally asking about Ruby. I can tell you now it is over between us but I don't want to keep Ruby from knowing him but I don't want him to hurt her as well by being this guy who decides when he wants to be part of her life and only went its convenient to him. He's either part of her life or not.
Why do some guys get excited about being dad's and why do others run little kids affraid of responsability?

Jessica - posted on 11/14/2010

my daughters father is the same its really hard

Karla - posted on 11/13/2010

My daughter does not see her father for what seems to be similar circumstances to you. You need to do whatever you can to keep yourself and your daughter safe. People who haven't been in a similar situation don't always understand. People are nosy but only tell them what you feel comfortable telling them. If they don't like it, it isn't your problem. You shouldn't feel bad. If people keep pushing for information or constantly give me a bad time about my decision I turn the tables by asking them 'would you rather a child grew up not knowing their father, but lived in a happy safe home with their mum, or the child was killed or grew up in foster care because the father abused that child?' Most people walk away embarrassed and uncomfortable when I ask that question. But in truth, if my daughter did have contact with her father, either death or foster care could be the reality of the situation!

Alexa - posted on 11/13/2010

If you know that having no contact is what would best benefit your daughter, then nobody should argue with that. If you were keeping her from seeing him because you just dont like him, then thats different. If your daughter is emotionally, mentally or physically in danger if she has contact with him, then I think you are right to withhold contact. You know whats best as her mother! :)

Sonya - posted on 11/13/2010

o an kimberly my post wasnt for you it was for roxanne. . .

Sonya - posted on 11/13/2010

well faye am terribly sorry that you had trouble reading it but i have already rewrote it into 'english' and apolagised about it so i dont see why you still felt the need to write your post about the way i write. but thanks for your feedback. . . .

Faye - posted on 11/12/2010

Sonya, I quit reading your first message midway through the second sentence. The further I read the more confused I was getting. The word "dem" means Democrat not "them" as you were trying to using the word.

Please remember that not all the posters on this site are late teens or early 20's and do not know the texting short cuts.

My kids hate that I spell each and every word in text messages but that is how I was taught in school. My generation was taught that the only words that are shortened are those that end with not, as in can't, or have, as in could've.

Kimberly - posted on 11/11/2010

It was for you. Your post was incoherent.

Jennifer - posted on 11/11/2010

it is crap that people think that a crappy father is better than none at all... Keep doing what you know is right. Don't let others get you down.

Sonya - posted on 11/10/2010

dont worry you are doing the right thing i would do the same. . . and for them people telling you you should let them round your baby jus through it back at them saying something like well would you risk the health of your own child just to see there dad there are lots of children who dont even know who there dad is and they grow up just fine. . . and as for your situation you have a real reason for your childs dad not to be around. . . i know you must have and still are going through a really bad time but just keep in your head dat you are doing the best thing for your child. . . :D x sorry i allways write in text writing :P o and kimberely if that message was for me to change me writing you could have said it nicer then that. . . attitude check maybe. . . as you may not be a bitch girl but in writing you kinda come accross that way. sorry for been blunt but had to be said. . . .

Kimberly - posted on 11/09/2010

Can you translate whatever that ^^ was into English
?

Sonya - posted on 11/09/2010

dont worry ur doin the rite thign i wud do de same. . . n 4 dem ppl tellin u u shud let em rund er jus tro it bac at dem sayin sumiit lik well wud u risk de health ov ur own child jus to c der dad der r lots ov children who dnt even knw who der dad is n they grow up jus fine. . . an as r ur situation u ave a real reason 4 ur childs dad not 2 b arund. . . i knw u must ave n still r goin tru a really bad time but jus keep in ur head dat u r doin de best thin 4 ur child. . . :D x

Kimberly - posted on 11/08/2010

I was definitely not judging you.

Mandy - posted on 11/08/2010

Men are such assholes, ive got one of them to, i was 6months pregnant when i moved to liverpool (i was born and bred in london) where i didnt know any one or the area most of the day i was left alone in the house 2 cook and clean, we started having problems where he didnt understand why i was down in the dumps but when my son was born it was more stressfull and i felt even more lower, he hardly helped me and i still had to cook and clean, when my son was 3 months old he kicked us out of his house, with no where to go i had to try carry my belongings to the train station and got the train home back to london. now he thinks he can come and go as he pleases seeing his soon every 2-3months if its like that i'd rather him not bother at all!!!!!!

Ashley - posted on 11/07/2010

Well thats what it is to you, but u have no idea what he is like, he is not a father or a daddy, yes she shares Dna with him but thats it he doesnt want her or love her... he is nothing and untill u know what that feels like u cant judge me for calling him a sperm donor i did whats best for my daughter and my self.

Kimberly - posted on 11/07/2010

A Father to me is someone who biologically input to create a child. A daddy is what you said.

Beth - posted on 11/06/2010

DO NOT let him into your lives!!! You are risking yourself and your child. He has no right to see YOUR child. You are the mother and only parent. Think of the harm he could cause to your child and yourself. I would ignore the people that say he should be in your life. They are probably not in your shoes and may have never experienced any violent relationships. I am in a similar situation and people tell me "Well he is the father and he should get to see the child." I do not have anything to do with those people. I hope this has helped. :) ♥

Ashley - posted on 11/06/2010

A father to me is someone who adores his child, who suports them someone who loves them and would give them the world if they asked, not someone who is abusive doesnt show love and treats them like shit, To me my daughter has no father, he was nothing but a sperm donor who will not lay eyes on my daighter again.

Kimberly - posted on 11/06/2010

Additionally I would stop using the term SPERM donor. It does not reflect any better on you than it does on him. Refer to him as your daughter's father.

Kimberly - posted on 11/06/2010

Tell them it is none of their business, or if that is not easy for you tell them he died. Always remeber that the first person who speaks loses. I have found that if you say nothing , the majority of people will be made to feel so uncomfortable they won't do it again.

Amber - posted on 11/05/2010

You know what I do? When someone is questioning my judgement concerning my children, I just smile. For a really long time. I smile and I stare. I don't talk. Then, when they are really uncomfortable I just say "thanks for the input". LOL! I just really don't care what anyone says. I know it's probably hard when it is someone close to you, but still, they should back you up. Nobody knows what went on behind closed doors. You are the mom. :)

Ashley - posted on 11/05/2010

I totaly understand whats happening! Im over it as well. I have a story somewhat like urs, Long story short, he lied to me about still being in a relationship, what makes it worse is the gf ex whateva was 5 months pregnant with there 1st child. When i found out i was pregnant i wasnt going to tell him, i hadnt had any contact with him since the night we slept together, My family and friends said i had to tell him that its not right if i didnt tell him, in the end i told him and he told me to "get rid of it" i went off said im onlying telling u cuz ur the father but im keeping the baby and u can do what u want with that info, i heard from him on and off from during the pregnacy, he got back together with his ex and she ended up finding out about my pregnacy and that it was a girl. I had my little girl safly she was healthy and i was over the mood, he new my due date But nothing he neva called to see if i had had her, She was 12 weeks old when he met here, thing were strange and i totaly freaked out he came once a week for a little while but turns out he was snkeaing out to come see her, and was telling everyone i was just a sl*t and that she wasnt his daughter, thing neva really recovered from there he asked for a Dna test. I ended up cutting off all comuication with him told him that he wasnt doing us any good and that i cant stand the lies and what he does to us. I have the same arrangment with child support he isnt on her C/B
Your her mother U carried her with UR body u are feeding her clothing her and giving her everything u need. he isnt supporting her he isnt a real man.
I tell People she doesnt have a father just a sperm donor and they seem to back off fast. There is nothing wrong with being a single Mum and by the sounds of it u did what u had to, to protect ur child.

Mogire - posted on 11/05/2010

if he tried hurting you and baby once he can do it again so the best is love yourself and baby. take good care and think positive besides there are so many single moms in the world with well behaved healthy kids. its better for a kid to have one loving parent other than two who are fighting or even hurting her both emotionally and physically. he might come back to finish what he started. please do not listen much to other pples opinions on his rights, u the one who knows how much he hurt you and what your daughter means to you

Mogire - posted on 11/05/2010

if he wanted to harm u and baby, he should not come anywheere near the both of you since he may change tactic and still harm u. take heart and take good care of baby there are many single moms in the world with well catered for kids. most importamt is love yourself and baby. it may be hard to forget him but if he tried hurting you once he may do it again

Klarissa - posted on 11/04/2010

Roxanne,
You are doing what is best for your daughter, and I would say that if you have people that are being non-supportive of your decision then that is not right, because no one knows the circumstances of what has happened in your situation and so it is not fair for you to be judged, you are doing what is best for you and your daughter and that is what is most important, good luck and I wish you the best.