Biological Dad

Tiffany - posted on 08/30/2010

im in the same bout... my baby girl's biological father doesnt want to know her and walked out when i was only a few weeks pregnant. ive been with my current partner since 2 weeks before i had my baby girl. weve also talked bout him adopting her as his own... im still not sure if i should tell her bout her father when shes gets older. i personal dont want to tell her bout her father. what does everyone else think?

Jessica - posted on 08/17/2010

my son's dad wants/wanted nothing to do with our son and he wanted me to get an abortion because he said he wasn't ready for a kid. now, because i didn't, he said i made the choice to keep him and it is all on me to raise him. he didn't meet his son until he was five years old and has only seen his son maybe ten times since then and my son is now eleven years old. even with my son being older and really easy to manage he still wants nothing to do with him... he never calls and he never sends gifts or cards in the mail. the only time he does see him is when his parents (who live five hours away) pick him up and bring him to his house... and that is usually once or twice a year for a day (his dad lives 45 minutes away from us). even with all of that, i still tell my son who his father is because he has a right to know. i tell him the basic facts and leave it at that. i don't put a lot of focus on it either. i would tell your son when he is old enough to understand that he has a different biological father but tell him that the person that adopted him loves him so much he decided to make him his son and that your son was so special and loved by his adopted father and that is why he wanted him in his life. don't talk about your boyfriend replacing his father or that his real dad wasn't there and your boyfriend thought he needed a dad... don't focus on what he lost... just what he gained... and he won't view it as a negative thing. treat it very matter of fact and don't bad mouth his real dad. you may want to keep a picture of his real dad though and give it to him when he is older so he has some reference to his dad and where he came from. i would not keep it from him because it will come out and he may resent you for not telling him and finding out from some one else. i would also stock children stories about adoption and what not to read to him when he gets older to help him identify his feelings and teach him the difference between biological and legal so he know that his adopted daddy is his father in every way that matters. maybe refer to the biological dad as father (making it impersonal) and the legal father as dad or daddy (making it personal) when you talk to your son might help to distinguish the difference? is your son going to be around his father's family at all?

Kayla - posted on 08/16/2010

well, i have to say, my oldest dad isnt involved either, however i do not lie to my son! I figure if i always tell him about his real dad he can never get mad at me for lieing! another reason i see it being a bad thing to not tell him is he may find out one day and he may lose total respect for you! he will know deep down somthing isnt right!

Cherelle - posted on 08/16/2010

My sons father hasnt been involved since he found out. Id advise that when he is old enough to understand that you sit him down and explain that his biological father didnt want to be involved but a father isnt just the guy who helped create a baby its the guy who brings the baby up! im sure he will understand. x

Nomntu - posted on 08/16/2010

I dont think that you must hide the paternity of the child you need to tell him when he is old enough cause it wont be fair to him may be he found out by himself then your child wont understand and that can complicate thing for you and your current boyfriend. cause

Angelic - posted on 08/12/2010

I think that is sweet and a blessing...no he will never know the difference but don't deny your child that right...if a family memeber slips up one day, your child might hate you for not telling him the truth. I have 2 sons and my first son's father doesn't care either but whomever i may marry one day, i still have to let him choose if he wants to know about or know who his sperm donor is lol. (smile)

Nimalee Sri - posted on 08/11/2010

I'm not sure how is your boyfriend is like but since he is asking you to abort that means he is not ready to be a father, once you've got your baby, he will definitely feel neglected. So please have a smooth talk with him about your pregnancy first, then if stuffs are positive, proceed with the truth of your baby. But you must always be with the truth, as this is the only thing will help you in not getting in trouble again. Please learn to accept the real of the nature. Then I bet you'll love to live.....god bless you my dear...

Ro-selina - posted on 08/08/2010

what if one day his bio dad changes his mind tho? tht could be a problem?

Amber - posted on 08/07/2010

I agree with everybody who's said you should tell him at an appropriate age. By that time, he should be able to recognize that he's had a dad all along. Anybody can be a father (or my favorite way of putting it, a sperm donor), it takes a real man to be a dad.

Amanda - posted on 08/07/2010

i think you should be open about it let him call him dad and all that but he should know about his father let him build an oppinion as he grows up about his father theres a difference between a dad and a father and if you dont open up to it now at least in the future when hes old enough to understand let him now because when hes older.. he might get mad for you never having said anything before..

Emma - posted on 08/07/2010

Jenny, you have sum aweome advice here, from other mothers....can I at least suggtest that you start a lil journal for your son, about yours,your bf's and your son's life together as a family. And then share it with him when you are ready to tell him the truth about his biological dad. Your life will be going through so much changes from here on, and treasuring every moment that you and your lil family have together is the greatest gift any children would be grateful for. I also think that keeping this a secret from your son isn't going to help you out in the future, like mentioned, what if it comes out accidentally, then the child will be very upset with you and think that you're keeping other secrets from him. Harry is a very lucky lil guy to have you as a mother and your bf is great to step up to the plate and accept the responsibility of raising your son as his own.
In Spirit and Friendship Always, Lil' *M*

Janine - posted on 08/06/2010

Ok, here is some solid information as I have been through the same thing. I got pregnant at 19 with my first child who is now 12. His "sperm donor" as I aptly call him was not there to support me throughout my pregnancy. He knew all too well I was pregnant as he came with me and my mother when we found out. He even came with me when I had him but did not stay through the whole birth. He decided he did not want to be on the birth certificate and saw him maybe twice after he was born p.s This man was supposed to be a christian! 5 mths later I met husband and he fell in love with Mitch straight away. He ended up adopting him and mitch has grown up to be a small version of him - I do truly believe it is not who created you but who has loved you and been there for you. When my son was about 8, we were watching a movie about when someone isnt your parent etc and mitch turned to me and said "imagine if you or dad werent really mine?" I ended up telling him the truth and he turned to me and said "It's ok mum, I know who has been there for me and loved me!" The debate is usually when to tell a child this kind of serious information, I do not think there is a right or wrong age but as a teenager you know yourself that if your parents waited that long to tell you information like that, you would find it detremental and flabbergasting to say the least, not to mention decietful. Your child will need to know one day - That is a piece of him and information that you should never hide. This is a case where you will need to put your differences aside and allow your child to process it and do what he wants with that information (of course when the time is appropriate for you, your partner and child). The biological father might be hurting him by not wanting to be around him, but unfortunately you will only hurt him more if you never expose this information to him and you will more than likely get the blame what ever your reasons are. It's the hard part of being a fully capable loving parent! My son isnt in a hurry to meet this man and has said he would rather wait until he is older to do so, we talk every now and then about it but for him it is not too much of an issue. I do implore strongly that you give your child the right to know the truth - there is a whole family out there that he has the right to know of even if they want nothing to do with him. Your angry now, but i assure you in time it will pass.. As long as your provide all the options available to your child then he has nothing to blame you for - think about that! Good luck chick x

Riley - posted on 08/05/2010

I know why you think hiding it from your son would be the best choice, but really in the long run, especially being apart of the information age. The reason I say I know how you feel is because my ex husband did something horrible to my kids when they were younger and I wish I didn't have to tell them about their biological father. Their biological father will be spending the next 20 years or so in prison I am not sure how long yet because he hasn't been sentenced. What I do know is I wish I could just tell them that their father died instead of telling them that he's in prison for hurting them. However I also know that the truth will come out eventually and it's their decision at that point whether or not they want contact with him because they will be adults. I can also tell you that I was adopted when I was very young and I appreciate my parents telling me that I was adopted because I have a lot of friends that found out the hard way and it really hurt them. If you want to talk to someone about this more one on one I would be happy to listen you can email me at riley7384@gmail.com

Kiley - posted on 08/05/2010

if your boyfriend wishes to adopt your son i say go for it, but make it after vows, i don't know about the laws where you are but even if a biological father has had zilch to do with his offspring you may need, his permission, it can get sticky. as for not telling your son, i would say there is no need to right away but at some point he will need to know. for various reasons, the biggest being health, second these things do come out and he will respect you and the father that "CHOSE" him more, than if he finds out any other way. over time things can get twisted and you two could be portrayed in a devastating light versus the truth.. i have seen this happen twice, you would do more damage hiding what you have no need to and do not need to hide

Nicola - posted on 08/05/2010

I was basically in a similar situation.
My sons biolgical father wants nothing to do with him, and because of that i decided not to put him on the birth certificate.
I started seeing The guy who my son grew up knowing as his dad when i was 6 months pregnant.
For his 1st birthday we were going to go thro all that sort of stuff. and there is alot to it, EG Biological father has to agree and sign forms and so on, and if he doesnt want to sign them, it will go thro a family court etc, which means lawyers and lots of money.
I wouldnt say NEVER tell him. I always said i would always tell my son the truth, and if he wanted to go looking for him, i wouldnt stop him, but i would also tell him be prepared for heart break..
But i would say go for it, but eventually tell him the truth. :)
I know of people who have done the same thing, and they dont want to know their biological father, because he was never there for them. The person they call father, is their father regardless of blood.
Hope that helps out a bit. :)

KellyJo - posted on 08/05/2010

Make sure Father signs off on your Son so that in future the so called B-Father cannot come back and claim him and your past will not come back to haunt you! Good Luck and go for it I would...

Stacy - posted on 08/05/2010

If your current boyfriend is willing to adopt your son, that's great. I wouldn't, however, recommend keeping his history a secret. Be as honest as possible, keeping what you tell him age appropriate and skip the gorey details, such as, "your biological father wanted me to have an abortion."

Tanya - posted on 08/05/2010

I totally understand your frustration with the biological dad cuz i'm pretty much going thru the same thing myself; however, the word NEVER is very sticky. Eventually, he will get older and start to ask questions and as his parents you have to answer them delicately yet honestly. If he's getting all of the love in the world from the two of you, then he will be just fine. Simply explain to him also that to be a dad is not just about donating sperm but it's about being there to halp you feel better when you're sick, teaching you how to play sports, helping you with homework, etc....any male can be a father but it takes a real MAN to be a da!!!

Ang - posted on 08/04/2010

There is always the possibility of medical reasons popping up in the future for which your son may need to know who his bio dad is. And geography is also a consideration. I had a friend once who's son is now 16 and I don't think he still knows anything about his bio dad. Very similar situation 16 yrs ago. The guy who he knows as dad actually didn't adopt him, but they had the child's last name changed to his when they got married cuz they couldn't afford adoption. Pretty much achieves the same thing. Anyway, he plays sports and goes to school with cousins he doesn't even know he's related to. Just a consideration....

Katlynn - posted on 08/04/2010

it a wonderful idea and witht he adoption that is what me and my boyfriend are talking about doing with my daughter, but you CAN NOT lie to him about who he is and his heritageone day it will come out and be more detremental to him then if you were to be truthful with him

Rachel - posted on 08/04/2010

I think that is a wonderful idea in away but be careful with that.. Me and my boyfriend have plans on getting married and the baby i am caring isn't his and the dad doesn't want nothing to do with the baby.. My boyfriend is also willing to raise this baby as his and adopt this baby. But my boyfriend said even though he will raise this baby as his there is still the possiblity of when the baby is older asking questions.. My boyfriend and I have decided that when that time comes we wont lie about it we will just tell the baby about its dad and how he didn't want to be around.. So prepare yourself for the questions he might ask when he is older..

Nicole - posted on 08/04/2010

I think adoption is great.Especially if you have found someone who is ready to be a father to your child. But my mother did this to me. ( i was adopted by her husband when I was 3. I never REALLY remembered) My "father" was not someone we ever talked about and it was swept under the rug and hid from me. By the time I was 14 I started peicing things together on my own. Not because anyone told me what happened but I just had a FEELING my parents were lying to me. 4 years later I finally confronted my mother about it and found out the truth. She decided to stop lying. It caused some stress in the relationship between my parents and I and things were rocky for a long time. So what im trying to say is I wouldn't suggest lying. I eventually met my "real father" and i realized my mom had made the best decision for me! but i had to figure that out on my own. He was not then or now ready to be a good parent. And i love my dad (Adoptive father) more than anything. He IS my dad. So I think you should be open with him and let him come to his on conclusions.

Vanessa - posted on 08/03/2010

I wouldnt tell him until he is way older to where he can understand I know where ur coming from its hard how do u tell a lil kid his dad never wanted him? its hard just wait an if hes is ont on ur sons birth certificate u can just add him to it w.o going thru the whole adoption thing..good luck

Jelica - posted on 08/03/2010

Can I just say.. you should not tell him because you are worried he may one day find out but because it is the right thing to do.. and if you wait until he is older he should understand but if you don't tell him at all he wont, but you should still tell him the truth whether he will find out or not.. he deserves to know, and it is not even a small lie it is very big. And you will probably start feeling guilty when he is older that he doesn't know and want to tell him anyway, but yes it is a good idea that you wait until he can take it all in and understand with out blowing up too much about it but it will be a big shock for him you have to understand.. this does not mean you should not tell him though.. he does not deserve to live his whole life a lie. Hope all works out in the future for you all.

Lanita - posted on 08/03/2010

I think it is a great ideal that your boyfriend is wanting to adopt your son as his own, that couldn't be a greater gift because not many man are willing to do such a thing. Yet, telling your son that he is his biological father is not such a smart ideal because the truth will always come out especially when we least expect it. We as parents are trying to teach our children to be honest, responsible, caring, loving, and the difference between right an wrong, but if we as a parent start off teaching them that a small lie is okay because it benefits his life then we are not sticking to the principle we went to instill in them. Tell your son the truth because it is the right thing to do and because you love him that much. Right now his father isn't stepping up, but time can change a person and you as his mother have to allow it and even if he doesn't ever come around he can't blame you for not allowing him the opportunity too. Stay encourage and remember don't make a haste decision because how things look now things won't always stay that way. There is more to life.

Jenny - posted on 08/03/2010

When I was 6, I was adopted. I knew very little of my biological parents because I was being tossed around from family to family. When I got adopted, my parents never wanted me to know about my real parents. I always questioned it and got upset on several occasions, but I eventually let it go. Once I turned 18, my parents sat me down and told me about my childhood.. how my parents didn't want me and couldnt take care of me. I was old enough and mature enough to handle it, so I didn't blow up. They gave me as much information I asked regarding who my biological parents were and such. Then I found out my biological dad was trying to get in touch with me. I talked with him and after meeting him I realized... I was sooo glad my parents didn't mention them to me. And I thought how fortunate I was to have parents who wanted me and gave me an awesome life. I don't want anything to do with my biological parents because I already have my parents.. those who wanted me and took me under after being abandoned by my blood parents.
For your boyfriend wanting to adopt your son, that's awesome. Huge props to him. I say, let your son grow up with your bf in his life if your bf is willing to step up and be his father. And when your son asks about it.. then tell him. But telling him all before 16 could really scare him, because at that age, they aren't ready to hear stuff like that. They may want to run away and find them or rebel against you, etc. When I was 16, I knew I was adopted, but I was too emotionally immature to handle it. So my parents waited til they thought I was ready and was mature enough. But that is my experience. Its up to you if you want to tell the TRUTH about his dad, but if you do, wait until he's mature enough to handle it.

Jenny - posted on 08/03/2010

i dont need his permission.. he isnt on the birth certificate.
but thanks for the help everyone :)

Lana - posted on 08/03/2010

Hey Jenny, totally understand you wanting to protect your son from the pain that the truth might bring, but you have to put yourself in his shoes.

Imagine someone else tells him one day accidentally that the person he thought was his father isn't.

My daughter understands totally that my bf isn't her father, and she knows about her biological father. Kids are a whole lot tougher than you think and when you raise them with the truth then you'll never have to fear them finding out anything!

Helen - posted on 08/03/2010

you have to get permisson for the father before you go though with the adopting, he has to sign his rights away, if you ask and he says no then remind him that i he does sign the papers then he will never have to pay child matainace at all.
My older two childern have a diffrant father and at first he didnt bother seeing him and they now call my boyfriend whom i have had another child with daddy, there boi dad is now seeing them and they get on really well, he just seemed to need some time to grow up and notice that he was missing out, he was only 15 when i fell pregnant for the first time so it was hard for him.
im not saying that maby one day he will change his mind but he might and then he may turn up at ur door causing trouable, i wouldnt lie to ur son as he will be really up set when he one day finds out, id tell him if he ever asks.
Also do his bios dads parants know about ur child and are they inovled at all? most grandad parants althoiugh shoked at first wouold be so upset to find out that they missed out on there first grandadchild just because there son was not intersested, also they can help you out, you need all the family you can get when ur kids are small.
your lucky to find a lovely man who is willing to be there for you and ur child, some men just neeed to grow up and face things.

Jenny - posted on 08/03/2010

i'll have to give it alot of serious thought.
Because his real dad is an abusive alcoholic, who wanted me to get an abortion, and never wanted Harry.
But i guess you guys are right, Harry has a right to know... but i guess i have plenty time to think about it x

Jelica - posted on 08/02/2010

I think it will be okay to adopt him and let him think he is his dad but when he is older I think he deserves to know.

Jenny - posted on 08/02/2010

i just dont see why i should tell him when he could just think my boyfriend is his real dad. He might as well be.

Emily - posted on 08/02/2010

There are all kinds of books and things out there now for kids who are in a situation like yours. You could help your baby grow up with the idea that another man helped you make the baby, but your boyfriend is his dad. My best friend has a biological dad who left her mom when she was one, and her "step"dad adopted her. He is dad, and biodad goes by his first name. She has known all her life, and she is very, very proud of her dad. She won't even take her husband's name because her dad's last name is too valuable and meaningful to give up.

Vanessa - posted on 08/02/2010

I was told when I was 19 (im now 30) and understood fully and never had issues with my mum doing what she did

Stephanie - posted on 08/02/2010

at some point you'll have to tell him... just try to be gentle when you do. It'll hurt but it's better than him finding out from someone else.

Jenny - posted on 08/02/2010

im just not sure i could hurt him by telling him about his biological dad, i mean, he wanted me to have an abortion.. he never wanted harry.

Deborah - posted on 08/02/2010

I would say go ahead with the adoption etc and be thankful that you found a really nice guy that will raise harry as his own.

However on the never telling him the truth about his dad... these things tend to have a way of coming out, I wouldn't say never tell him, but wait until hes older.