Child Custody Advice?? Worried mommy.

Kayla - posted on 02/02/2013

Hi, my name is Kayla and i'm from Mississippi. Your story is very simulair! Except the father of my 4 month son has not paid one cent of child support or given me ANYTHING for the baby! But get this, he is tryin to get full custody of Aiden. I left him when I was 4 months preg because he was abusive to me and he was using drugs and alcohol daily. He denied that the baby was his until a dna was done. Now he's wanting to be 'father of the year'...we've been in court three times and so far he's only been able to get 2 hr supervised visits due to the age of the baby. It helps if you are breastfeeding, even if you are supplementing with formula. But advice to you, if you haven't named the father on the birth certificate-- DON.T!! He has ZERO rights to your baby as long as you dob't admit he is the father. If he does take you to court, the first thing they will do is order you do DNA to prove paternity. After that, he will get visits with her-supervised or unsupervised. If you want supervised, you have to tel the judge what your concerns are with the father having the baby alone. Have witnesses to his pothead room mates, and any other behavior you feel concerned about. You can email me anytime girl- swampgirl62584@yahoo.com. I've been in your shoes and no mother should feel the fear of losing their baby to a dead beat dad!
~Kayla

Samara - posted on 01/31/2013

I have a 4 month old baby and am going through a very similar situation. I was only with my child's father for 6 months before getting pregnant. I tried to make it work throughout the pregnancy but that didn't work. He works and I am unemployed. I had just started job hunting again right before I found out I was pregnant but by the time I had interviews set up I was showing and no one would hire me so I basically had to depend on family to help me. Even though he & I were still on & off during my pregnancy, he never once helped me to buy anything I needed like maternity clothes, bigger bras, etc or things we needed for the baby. A month before I gave birth (we had already broken up by then, or I should say he left me by then) he goes out and buys a crib, a portacrib (to use as a bassinet) and a car seat (only because I had to beg him for 8 straight months to do so) and he pats himself on the back as if he's the best father in the world. Nevermind the $1500+ that my family had to spend on maternity clothes to get through 2 seasons and body sizes and all the rest of the necessities for baby. I was so mad that anyone who calls themself "a MAN" could actually allow themself to think its okay to make the responsibility and the financial burden of his baby fall on my mother who, of course would do everything in her power to support me & my child so that we'd be okay but it's not HER responsibility, it was and is his! So that was the first glimpse I got of how of a loser he is. Mind you though this is a man who preached how good he'd be at being a father & how his child would never do without and how he'd never need anyone to do anything for his child because he takes care of his responsibilities... Yeah right! Fast forward to right before I was due. I had a lot of trouble towards the end of my pregnancy (i was on bed rest) and had asked him to stay with me (because at this point he had no place to stay so I also did it cause I felt sorry for him). I figured since he didn't help buy anything the least he could do was to help me to get things set up but a week before my due date he picked a fight, packed his things and left for good. I didn't hear a word from him. I planned on having the baby alone and not calling him when I went into labor but on my due date I get a text saying "did you have the baby or are you at least going to call me when you do so I can be there to see my child born". I felt just like you did. I felt he didn't deserve to be there after all he put me through those 9 months and I didn't deserve to have one of the most special moments of my life ruined by the drama of having him there so I told him no. Well I ended up going a week overdue which was just enough time for him to weasel his way back into conversations with me about the baby's name and I agreed we could try to get together and pick out one we both liked but that the baby would definitely have my last name. As luck would have it, the day we met to talk about names I went I into labor and he ended up being there for the birth. During my hospital stay, he made everything miserable. Fought with me, insisted on having all his family up even though my whole plan from the beginning was not to have visitors at the hospital and wait till I got home for all of that. Then the nurse handed HIM the paperwork and he filled them all out. I was so mad cause I wasn't going to put him on the birth certificate either and he ended up pressuring me so hard about the name I ended up leaving the hospital with my baby having a name I didn't even like but was too exhausted to fight about. He drove me home, threw my bags in the door and left again. A few days later he texted me wanting to see the baby and even though I hated him by this point I never said no. He came by 3-4xs during the 1st week but stopped all of a sudden. When my baby was less than 2wks old he served me with custody papers! I have been in a custody battle ever since. So finally, here's my advice for you..... Never ever deny him visitation! The courts will truly frown down on you and say that you are not thinking about the "best interests of your child". They will see you as an angry woman who is holding your problems with him before what your child needs (which they say is to have the opportunity to have a relationship with his father). Which leads me to the next point that no matter if he is a child molester, a murder or whoever, it is very rare that a father will be denied the right to see his child... The question will be whether or not it is regular visitation or supervised (and you will have to prove that he is a danger to the child not that he was just a danger to you). Keep in mind though that doesn't give him the right to just pop up whenever or dictate to you when and where. Your baby is still very young and since she knows you & you have been her primary caregiver from the start it should be visits where she can see you and feel comfortable (being in your home where she is use to the surroundings and knows you will get her if she is scared). It is not recommended that babies do overnights before the age of 2 (though some judges will allow & order it) but fight that one should it be an issue because developmentally it's not good for her. If you're breastfeeding that helps ALOT. Either way, She needs to be with you till she's older. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about visitation. He will get it if he goes to court even if you get sole physical & sole legal custody. The law views that as his right and the baby's right. You mentioned his mom... Grandparents do not have a legal right for visitation but while she is with him during his visitation time you have no say in who he brings her around including is mother unless you can petition the court and prove that she is a danger to your child. If he is living with people who are also on drugs or a danger you also have to prove that- witnesses, hire a private detective, anything you can do cause is mom will defend him and say he's living with her. That's a tough one. When he has his time (visitation) they see it as he is her parent too and you can't tell him what he can and can not do during his parenting time. You need a lawyer definitely!!! Go to your local court house and ask about how to get a pro-se family law lawyer. They are regular lawyers not public defenders who volunteer their time to do cases. You definitely need one if you can't afford another because there will be so many papers to file and they will do it all for you so you don't accidentally mess up and make a mistake. One mess up looks really bad on your part so look organized and be sure to put off the appearance that you are a good, loving mother who is only fighting the custody battle because you truly think that it's in the best interest of your child if you have custody and not him. It's important you don't look vengeful and out to bash him so rather look at solid points that you can bring up and remember they've heard it all and only care about the cold hard facts that you can prove. Also, as far as legal custody goes, you'll have to prove that you & him have a history of not being able to make decisions together and that you have very different beliefs on the core issues like schooling, healthcare, religion, discipline etc because often times they will award one parent physical custody but make people share legal in hopes that somehow miraculously people will come together and work together on those issues even though that seems like a fairy tale to me. Like I said, I have a great attorney and am going through custody as we speak so if you have any questions just ask... Sorry my post was so long:)

Heather - posted on 01/29/2013

Get a lawyer- a good one! and read the following article :
http://leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/dv.ht...

Understand that family courts are heavily influenced by political agenda and father custody is increasingly favored. You have got to get rid of the fear and focus on building a good case... and even then you will most likely end up with joint legal custody. Very few judges will hand out sole custody anymore! AND that is really the key- getting a judge who is reasonable and truely does care about what happens to the children. Good luck!

Tasha126 - posted on 10/10/2012

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Elizabeth - posted on 02/03/2011

ask for an attorney to be appointed for you an your daughter. He will not be able to take her away from you. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!!!!

Katie - posted on 02/02/2011

Look up National Family Solutions online... I used them and they are amazing... they are on your side and they make sure you know it. they are pretty cheap too. Hang in there honey youll be ok. No judge will give him joint custody... also you need to record and write everything down that goes on between you two... and i MEAN EVERYTHING!!! Whatever you do... do not let him have her alone, he sounds like the kind of person who would take off and not tell you about it. Good luck. my prayers are with you and your baby.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/02/2011

I don't know about the laws in LA but here in NY mother's have more rights than fathers. I have full custody of my 6 year old and her father pays child support (on time now thanks to the US Army)
Whatever you do don't drop your daughter off with her 'father' until after you have custody and visitation figured out because he can legally refuse to let you have her back and then you have to get the cops and everyone involved. Stick to your guns with supervised visits until the court stuff goes through.
I know what you're going through because my ex is the same way- still is. He thinks the child support he gives me should make me feel grateful towards him and he's still the better parent for our daughter because of his extra education (We both have education from after HS- he just has his head up his ass because he's career military)
When you go to court tell the judge everything that he's done that makes you believe that he won't be a good choice for full or even joint custody. Not having a job and hanging around people who do drugs are two red flags for a family court judge in any state.
Good luck

Kasie - posted on 02/01/2011

I just want you to know, I'm not going through custody stuff but I am pretty sure he won't have a good chance of getting much with the way he's living and stuff.

Alisha - posted on 02/01/2011

This is so sad, but good for your for not buying his lies and gettinig back with him. If I were you I would call the courthouse and ask them as many questions as you want and write them all down that way you will be educated as to how the system works and what he can and can't do and what you can do as your baby's mother. I would seriously think about getting supervised visitations in place through the courts if that's how he wants to do it. This is a scary situation if you have to have your baby at his mom's house or at his house with the lifestyles you have described. Start writing EVERYTHING down, dates, times and what he says, when he calls, text messages because you will need documentation to prove to the courts his erratic and uncontrolable behavior.

Jeannine - posted on 02/01/2011

Also since he left you during pregnancy and she is almost 4 months old now more than likely the Judge will keep it with you 100%. Don't worry you can get a decent lawyer and prove he is an unstable parent and hopefully get him to sign away his custody rights to you.

Kami - posted on 02/01/2011

I agree with Nikki. I just went through this but not with my sons father. It was my mom. My mom is very scandolous and tries to bring everyone down when they are trying better themselves. But everything Nikki said is right. Get you a good attorney and tell him the truth about everything. Get good witnesses who wont hurt your case. And please dont let your daughter go see him. I let my son see my mom (not aware she was going to try to take custody) and she got a restraining order on me and I couldn't see my son for 2 1/2 weeks. It was really hard and I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through that. But if you need to talk to anyone add me on facebook. I will be glad to talk. Good luck on everything!!

Janamarie - posted on 02/01/2011

hi Marissa....get legally smart. Find out all the laws in your state, print them out, folder them...begin your defense. You are the mom and from what you wrote, in the right all the way. He will not get anything you don't want him to have. Prove your case, with his instability, financially and mentally, get an order of protection against him. Ask for a forensic evaluation through the court, stay close to your daughters law guardian and get her on your side. Make sure you constantly use the phrase, " I believe this to be within the best interest of my child.
I went through it and my ex was on the birth cert. and my daughter has his name....guess what after it all...my and my husband( not her bio dad, but she doesn't know that) are in adoption proceedings. He has to first prove he is her dad.And is this in family court? All of his inconsistant effort to be there work in your favor.Don't worry, write back to me, ask questions, i will help you. I was a teen mom too at one point. all my love to you......

Brittaney - posted on 01/31/2011

i'm going through something close to that. I had to move when i was 3 months pregnant for my job, at that point my son's father, or rather his sperm donor made me feel guilty for breaking his heart and moving away with "his son", but i did it cuz its wat was best. since i moved he's been making promises to send money and stuff for the baby. I havent seen any of it. he hasnt been to see my son at all since he was born. My son is almost 7 weeks old and he's only sent me $50. Wen i started gettin mad and accusing him of not caring, he was making up excuses as to why he hasnt made the trip to see him, which is a total of 2 hours. He kept trying to blame me for him noy seein the baby, tellin me i was always makin up excuses that i was doing something else when ever he was going to come, i was on maternity leave-what else would I be doing? he recently found out a couple weeks ago that a good male friend of mine had been to the hospital and to my house to see me and hold the baby. he got mad and told me he was going to go back to prison because he didn't want another man around his son ( he was in prison for 2 charges of attempted murder) I told him to deal with it cuz there was always going to be a man around when i found someone to be with. he decided he was going to try to take me to court for custody. I kno that will never happen because he can barely keep a job, doesn't have a vehicle and also doesn't live in a stable home. his family are all a bunch of pot heads and i dont' trust them. It scares me to think that he could be awarded joint custody with visitations which would allow him to leave the city with my child. So with that comment, i told him if he wanted any other contact with me he could do so through a lawyer. Its better than getting mad at him and giving him something to use against you in court. I've been saving every text message, voice message and face book email he's sent me. you should do that same. if he ever gives you money or anything like that, make sure you get proof of that. and you are more than welcome to add me to facebook also. he hasn't tried to take me to court yet, and i don't think he will. but i'm looking into a lawyer and want to be prepared. and your daughter's father isnt'on the birth certificate so you don't legally have to allow him to see her unless there's a court order.

Peta - posted on 01/28/2011

marissa, Hey if u would like to add me to facebook do so, i can tell u what i am going thru with the same sort of shit. Add me or inbox me to facebook.

Julie - posted on 01/27/2011

Been there - done that.
Read the writing on the wall -no jjob ... cannot take care of himself and other things.

Stay away from him - let him gorw up. In a few years' time wehn eh's had time to mature then cautiously start a relationship.
DO NOT leave your daughter with him ...
If at all possible move and cut contact - even through friends' taking messages...

Marissa - posted on 01/26/2011

yeah i figured that, and plus, hes a COMPLETE stranger to her. im sorry, but you cant give a four month old to a stranger who could run off with her to God knows where doing God knows what. thats like giving her to a sex offender or a drug addict or something. i mean come on.

Amanda - posted on 01/26/2011

I am not sure about the La laws but I know in Tx he will be very hard pressed to get any kind of unsupervised visits til the baby is 2 years old

Marissa - posted on 01/26/2011

he has anger problems and shes still little so i dont think they'll let him take her yet, hopefully we can talk to a mediator and make an agreement. i dont even let anyone babysit and if i do its my sister or sister in law and its rare

Laura - posted on 01/26/2011

Good luck on getting supervised visits...it is really hard! In my mind...he didn't want to be a Daddy before, so he doesn't get to come in now. My ex is a drug addict and I was extremely lucky to get supervised visits. The courts don't care...they want a family to be together. The judges are stupid! You need to get a lawyer and a good one who will go after him like a shark! Save every text, every email, every message!

Marissa - posted on 01/26/2011

Exactly! he shouldn't be around her and he doesn't NEED to be around her because for one he doesnt even take care of her and for two he loses it like SO easily. he gets aggravated and pissed off in like 2.5 seconds. ughhh. And hes been saying that he wanted a DNA test, he denied her the whole pregnancy and then he saw her and KNEW. but he texted me in November and said he WAS going to get a DNA and get visitation and all of his rights blah blah blah! There's so much i want to say and i don't know how to say it to the lawyer. It has nothing to do with us, it's just i dont trust him around my FOUR month old baby. I RARELY let anyone babysit her, much less give her to him. And Shanythia I'll look for you but i tried to look for Nikki but i couldn't find her bc she lives in a different state! I'm trying to do what's right for her but it's so hard when i have stuff holding me back :( shes my daughter, i'm her protector! And Jessica, why should i go to a women's shelter? and i cant file a restraining order because he hasn't harrassed me since November. I'm not going to try bc it wont do anything good. I hope a free lawyer would help but Louisiana is just BLAH sometimes. and he cant file taxes because he has no job. and i hope thats what he could get bc i couldn't live with her spending the night, but i want to be there when he sees her. and at least SHOW him what to do till he gets the hang of it

Jessica - posted on 01/25/2011

i would go to a local women's shelter and file a restraining order against him so you have that in court. i also would not attempt to contact him again for any reason. i would talk to the free lawyer, mine helped me a lot. i would also file for child support with the local county office. even if he has no money, it will stack up and stack up until he pays... if he files taxes they will take it from him. i would not worry about custody!! the most he would get is every other weekend and they do not recommend kids under the age of three getting overnights.

Tammy - posted on 01/25/2011

Marissa,

Hi, I am also a single Mom and went thru some of what you are going thru. First RELAX and then get yourself a lawyer they will beable to tell you what they can do for you. I know that each state is differnet with their laws concerning custody and what is a "stable and well suited" homelife for a child. So you need the attorney. Don't believe everything your childs father is telling you ( his mom is friends with so and so) he is trying to scare you into getting what he wants. Hang in there and do what you have to for your child.

Aisley - posted on 01/25/2011

Honestly it sounds like you dont have a lot to worry about. he hasn't been a part of your daughters life and he is not on the birth certificate he would have to prove paternity and even so with his record the way it is he doesnt have a lot of hope on getting shared custody. if he proves paternity then he could justly ask for visitation. however i would try to focus on his living situation and his tendency to explode when things do not go his way. dont be afraid to professionally speak your mind and tell them how you feel about it. never forget she is your child and it is your job to protect her at all costs. his feeling do not matter. do what you feel is right for her and you and dont worry about him ♥

Shanythia - posted on 01/25/2011

It sounds like your daughter's dad doesn't deserve to be around you or his daughter. He's emotionally abusive and that's not healthy for you or her. It's your job as a mother to protect yourself and your daughter from harsh things like this and you did the right thing by keeping your distance, even at the hospital. If he wants to go to court, then stress that he's not suitible to be aound the daughter he denied. insist he get a DNA test and press child support. He's inconsistent and hopefully the judge will see through his drama. It's not fair to you and your daughter to have to deal with someone who doesn't know how to be fair, supoortive and consistent. i'm on fb, you can find me there if you want to talk, just inbox me. i'll be your friend :)
take care

Marissa - posted on 01/24/2011

I can get a lawyer appointed to me by the state, but I'm worried that since they are free, that they aren't going to care and just be there representing me and not really trying to help me win. My baby's dad doesn't have a job, they would make him get one, but it would be minimum wage and that wouldn't be much at all. I've never received his help this far, $100 isn't going to make much difference because i do it all myself anyways. I don't have anyone to borrow money from. My family isn't wealthy and all of my grandparents died. It's so hard not to stress over this. I think I'm going to call the courthouse tomorrow to see what it's for just because i'm tired of sitting here waiting. I know SOMETHING is filed, i just don't know what and papers dont get served for 7-10 days after it's filed, which was Thursday. It's killing me to know that he's doing this, when he's never been here in the first place. If it was really about her, he would be content with meeting me somewhere, but he gets mad when i tell him no. He won't respond to anything anyone in my family has to say now. He should take what he can get, or even drop off diapers at the doorstep or something to HELP. it's a power thing, he wants to try to show me HE'S in charge and I can't do anything about it. I'm so scared he's going to get it where he can take her without me :( im a good mom, ive always done everything right.. :( i'm still in school for HER. I'm going to college for HER. it just kills me to know they may give him what he wants

Nikki - posted on 01/24/2011

If it is like Maryland, I had a lawyer appointed to me by the state for child support and I get a pretty good amount, however he was working at the time. Since you are a student it does work in your favor. I understand the money issue, I had to borrow, beg, and plead from my grandparents that I needed to do this. They helped me, but I owe it all back to them. Don't stress at all. It only makes things harder trust me, I know. If you can, go to the local courthouse and see what they ahve to say about all this. That's where I started and they will be able to tell you if something is being filed against you or not and what it is. I hope this helps :)

Marissa - posted on 01/24/2011

I'm not worried about him getting full custody because in Louisiana, the judge favors the mom ALWAYS unless shes strung out on drugs or something like that. I cant really afford it, but i also dont want a lawyer that isnt even going to care what happens. i want one that gets me exactly what i want and that is supervised visits and he has to pay child support. He has so many anger problems and all that. i just cant see myself dropping her off and not knowing whats going on

Julie - posted on 01/24/2011

I know exactly how you are feeling... We feel scared that dads will take our kids away.. Get yourself a lawyer and if you can't afford one, you can find a paralegal aide which they don't really charge... If you lived in California I would of given you my lawyer...Sounds like Baby's father is a trouble man, so I really don't think judge going to favor full custody to dad....I know it is scary as I am in process of seperation and scared to death to hear what judge going to say...My lawyer always reassure me, so I feel more confident.... Hang in there....

Marissa - posted on 01/23/2011

how do i prove where he is living at? His drivers license says he lives with his mom. Hes 18, and has a record of getting put in a mental hospital and also of getting arrested bc him and his mom got in a physical fight and she called the cops, but he was 17 when this happened, so therefore, his records are SEALED and has nothing to do with after he turned 18, unless i can work around that and get it to work in my favor. If he is still living where I think he is, one of the guys has a BAD record. and the judge isn't going to let any baby go to a house where there are three guys living there plus my child's biological father. That won't go over. If he lived with his mom again, i have emails of her trash talking me over facebook and since shes an adult, her records AREN'T sealed. But according to my baby's dad, she's buddy buddy with the district attorney here. Also, they have money on their side, not a lot of it, but more than me and she can get loans and pay it off. I'm 18 years old, living with my mom. I'm a full time student, i'm a senior this year, and i plan to start college in August. I dont know if i will need a job or they will just look at me being a full time student and everything like that. I have text messages from him showing his anger, and i have PLENTY of people that will vouch for me. I had to have an emergency ultrasound when i was 4 1/2 months pregnant at the ER because me and him had a REALLY bad break up and he said HORRIBLE things, the night we broke up, i went to the ER having stomach pains. Everything checked out alright, but still! I'm most DEFINITELY denying him over night visits and i'm going to push where all he gets is supervised visitation and i'm also going to push for child support, i wasn't going to but now i am. I get WIC, i don't know if y'all have it there but it's help for getting her formula, juice, cereal, etc. It's just so frustrating knowing that he's doing this. I texted him last night asking why we were going to court. No response. I also texted him today telling him if he wanted to see the baby, all he had to do was ask and that's it. Nothing else. NO RESPONSE. He told me a MONTH ago he wanted to be civil, and i was okay with that. And then got mad at me because i wouldn't go drop her off with him when he is a complete stranger to him. He's seen her 3 times awake and the other few times, she was asleep and had no idea that he was even there. When she was a month old, i went to his cousins to let him visit, i fixed her a bottle and asked if he wanted to feed her. So he tried, and she tried to fight him and like 30 seconds of fighting her he handed me the bottle and the baby and said here do this. He didn't even attempt to try! I'm most definitely going to add you on fb. I need all the help i can get. I dont even know what he's taking me to court over. I haven't gotten any papers served to me. My cousin saw it in the paper and messaged me on fb telling me about it. I'm just so angry because of all of this. it's hard to know what to do or who to turn to

Nikki - posted on 01/23/2011

it's ok. I went thru almost the same thing. My court date just got settled. first, get a lawyer. second, prove where he is living. if he or anybody that he lives with has a record, prove it. your lawyer can definitely help you with all that. have anyone you know to testify in court about your entire!!! story. make sure they all understand that they will have to go and testify. the fact that he left, the fact that he has not seen your daughter, and the fact that he has no car, no job, and doesnt live in a stable household will hurt him. bad. i live in maryland, i am not familiar with how similar and diffferent states laws are on this. but if you need help. ask. I will not turn you away at all. add me to a friend on facebook. whatever you need. dont worry. the MOST he should be able to get is joint legal custody with supervised visits. definitely refuse all overnight visits with him. it shows you can stand up for yourself and you know what you want. my baby daddy walked into court and kept telling my lawyer and his lawyer that he didnt really know what he wanted. which didnt really help him. but if you need anything at all, i'm here for you to talk to. I hope this helps you!! GOOD LUCK. and please do not worry. my ex only got joint legal custody. and every other weekend. and his parents were behind all that, not really him. but good good luck honey!