Child custody/Child support?

Jill - posted on 09/22/2010 ( 42 moms have responded )

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I am now a single mother of a beautiful 3 1/2 months old girl. Her dad and I were gonna; in his words; "work us out." He has yet to even meet his daughter and now that he has been served paternity and child support papers wants nothing to do with her. In fact, he has told me that he intends on signing his rights away so that he no longer will be physically, emotionally or financially responsible for her. However in our state that is not how it works. Signing over your rights in Iowa only negates your responsibilities physically and emotionally so he would still have to be financially responsible for her. I have also learned in the last few weeks that he has had another girlfriend (whom is rumored to be pregnant) while we were suppose to be working on our relationship. I guess my question is; Is it worth fighting with him over him taking care of his child and being in her life?

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Rebecca - posted on 09/22/2010

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my ex-husband pays child support and i use to fight with him all the time to see our kids. It has now been 8 weeks since he has seen or i have heard from him. Its not worth fighting with him the best you can do is be the best parent you can be for her.

Jessica - posted on 10/01/2010

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If you have begun the process through Family Court, I would recommend following through to completion. Simply said, at least you will have official LEGAL documentation clearly stating your rights, his rights, and your daughter's rights. And when your daughter gets older and starts asking questions, at least you can honestly tell her that you did everything that you possibly could. At least resolve the issues of paternity, child support, and custody. If he fails to appear, the court can issue warrants to force compliance. This will be an emotional process for you; I know because I started the process myself when my son (now almost 3 years) was 6 months. Don't think of it as fighting with him to be in her life - the court can decide that for him. Instead, try thinking of fighting for the rights that your daughter deserves. My son's father is obligated to pay 25% of his pay for child support, 50% of my child care expenses, and 100% of my son's medical expenses.
I have sole physical custody. Don't worry about the physical or emotional ties. In time, your daughter will ask questions and see the truth for herself.

Jessica - posted on 09/29/2010

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Jill-I can honestly say no it is not. If he does not want to be involved then he won't. No matter how much you push and beg and wish..it just won't happen. He sounds just like my child's father. He is a low life piece of sh*t. We were together for 6 years on/off; and when we got back together lat summer he promised he had changed. And he did for awhile..but then I got pregnant and he peaced out. He saw her once then ran like a scared little kid. Then I found out he did have TWO other kids. I have tried everything to get involved and he doesn't want to. He much rather party and be an ass than care about our child. And personally now after fighting with him-if he doesn't want to, than I don't want him too. It won't do anything for my daughter by having someone that doesn't want to be there be around.

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Kayla - posted on 10/11/2010

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Has far as him taking care of the child yes I would fight him over it but being in her life? NO! If he doesn't want to be there you can't make him.

Sandra - posted on 10/09/2010

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If I were you, I'd ask myself if I would really want him to be a part of my daughter's life! he does'nt seem to be worth even thinking about, so my advise to you would be don't worry about him being in her life. I am pretty sure that some day you will find a nice guy that will be willing to be that beautiful little girl's substitue dad and will love her like his own it's all about you making the right choice's and as far as child support if you have the fund's or not get a lawyer and fight for her right's for him to pay child support he needs to be taught a lesson. that he can't just go out there and make baby's and not care about them there is a price to pay and it's 18 years long! and maybe he will use his head to think about it before he goes out there and does this to another person and father more kid's and think that by giving up his right's he will go to the next person and repeat this inhuman act!!!!as far as for your baby, all she really needs is you! give her all the love that's in your heart and she will be just fine take it by experience I went thru something like that he was there for my son was he was about 2 we separated and my son has not had any contact with him. until one day that he bumped into him and my son was already 20 years old I took him to court for back child support and my son came face to face with him and looked at him and turned away like it was any other person it's sad but that's life my son is now 26 years old and says im his mother and it's all he need's so i consider myself a very lucky mother!!!!!!

Angelica - posted on 10/07/2010

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Girl im from Florida, My daughter is being 2 yrs next month, in here child support is different the dad pays he got the right to see the baby, but the father of my daughter said the same words to work out but it didnt since he keeped on his life of partying and hanging out with friends instead of trying. He only my daughter when she was 10 months old and when she was born he promised everyone to be the best dad in the world and he hasnt keeped that promise.People keep telling me to put him on child support sometimes it comes to my head but then again i say FOR WHAT?! I been a great mom and getting money from him dont make a difference since the only thing we both care now is that the father acts like a dad dont just give $$ for what ever reason.
Is now on you If you noticed that he never cared for your baby don't waste your time that's my opinion. good luck and god bles

Tamara - posted on 10/07/2010

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HOW DID U GET THAT LUCKY, I need to know cuz I want my kids father to do just that. TELL me!

Coral - posted on 10/06/2010

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I have been through this situation and I would have to agree that it is not worth the pain it will put you through to try and get him to see your daughter. I gave up on my daughters father a long time ago with visitations to the point on where he would sign off his rights, but unfortunately in WI I have to be married in order for someone to adopt my daughter, which means that my daughters father wont have to pay child support anymore so youre lucky on that aspect of it because I have been raising my daughter and supporting her eversince she was born (now she's 3yrs old) and he hasnt supported her once. He hasnt had a stable job and has been in and out of jail ever since shes been born. Let me tell you if I could just keep her away from him forever i would because after she sees him thats all she talks about, cries about, and its hard. He doesnt call to see her and she always wants to see him. so in all honesty its not worth fighting with him for being in her life it will be a lot less stress for you in the long run and your daughter will be better off. Second take him to court for child support!! He needs to support her financially,any help you can get is awesome and helps a lot. hope this helps

Alisha - posted on 10/06/2010

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P.S. I think if his family is willing to be their for their granddaughter, that is wonderful! They need to be showing their son how to be there for a child, and that would be a nice example. It doesn't mean he will be around right away, but maybe it will give him a little bit of a gut-wrenching feeling when he sees pictures of your prescious daughter posted all over his parents house!

Alisha - posted on 10/06/2010

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I wouldn't fight with him because that will cause you to burn out! It's also not good for your daughter to hear her parents fighting. I think that what you can do is raise your daughter because she needs you and loves you and you have no control on what her father decides as far as his role of parenting her goes. I think you have every right to be upset but at some point need to realize that it may be like that and you will have to forgive him sometime. I went through this whole 'non-violent war' with my daughter's father as well because he cared more about drinking, drugs, and his friends than me and our daughter. I think at some point I just had to realize he was not the man I envisioned him to be when I was 16, I mean I didn't know what to look for in the future father of my children. He is a much better dad to her now and sees her at least every other weekend but there was a point where he didn't see her for 3 months and I just had to let him do what he was going to do because there was no point in worrying about it. I think what single mother's also need to realize and acknowledge is that we are greiving over the loss of what we thought our family would be like. I think that is one of the most painful things in this whole ordeal besides being sad for our children's father situation. But, people underestimate what greiving is and it's not just something you do after someone passes away, but it's something you do when your hopes, dreams and future ideas are shattered and you have to pick up the pieces alone while staying strong for your child. Learning that my sorrow and anger towards my daughter's child had a name and that everyone goes through it was extremely helpful and made my healing process a little easier (I think). I think you should try to get child support if that's all he will contribute, but at least you know you were not the one refusing your daughter her father, that was all his decision.

Lisa - posted on 10/06/2010

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Forget about him. File what you need for financial support and hope like hell he pays. My ex has weekends with our son but yet is to pay a cent of the child support he owes. I dont think he should be allowed to see our son untill he starts paying up.

Martha - posted on 10/06/2010

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Oh. One more shout out for the Texas court system - there is a little-known law that says that if he doesn't pay child support, the kid (as early as age 18) can sue him for every piece of back child support. And she will win it. Check your own state for laws of this nature - it's a sobering thought to most men that they could either have an 18-year hiatus in paying and a ginormous balloon payment OR a monthly payment that is reasonable and set by the court.

Martha - posted on 10/06/2010

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I saw this statement in the lineup: "Hopefully, you will meet another man who will love you and her as his own." While this is certainly everyone's fantasy, it does little to address the fact that every mother has to fight like a bear cub for her own. On her own. Finding another man will not fix the current issue - frankly, it just muddies the water until this other is resolved. Be strong - women are wired to be so because we have to be. You can do it!

Martha - posted on 10/06/2010

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some states are better than others at enforcing child support. Texas is a mean SOB to deadbeat parents (yes, there are women out there like this as well). One year they even took his tax returns to the tune of 1500 (which he owed for back child support). And on their website is a running total of any back child support owed. Texas certainly keeps them on their toes. It would be a good idea to check google or something to find out what your state's managing agency is and how you can work with them to resolve this. Am sorry to hear that he's being such a tool.

Lauren - posted on 10/06/2010

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My Husband and I separated when our son was 5 months old. My son was 2 in June and I still haven't received one cent from him. He see's him every second weekend as per our custody papers but unless I have his work details or he contacts child support i don't get anything. He tells me that "I am not worth it" which clearly has his priorities right. When it comes to him, he brags on about his title of being a father, but clearly can't do the role properly.

Martha - posted on 10/06/2010

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absolutely worth fighting for your daughter's rights! these men... my own daughter's father bailed at 3 months. he is financially responsible, but that's the extent of it. his choice, not mine, but i don't speak poorly of him and i keep him informed of how she's growing up - whether he likes it or not! in order for me to sleep well at night, i need to make sure that i do everything i can to keep that door open FOR HER. end of the day it's about the kid; she'll make her own judgments about all this mess when she's older. you'll be best served by embracing the freedom that can come with single parenthood (freedom from his influence in childraising decisions), rather than railing at the things you can't control. i've been living this for the last 6 years (he left us when she was 3 mos old, too), and it's taken me awhile to come to this realization, but I really am better off without him. Your daughter deserves every penny of the child support he will be required to pay, and you shouldn't for one moment feel badly for him about it. Take care, and good luck in all this. WIll be praying for you and your daughter - blessings...

let your daughter's father sign his rights away so that you are not obligated to buck up to a visitation schedule or possibility of denial for relocation if you so choose.

Dionne - posted on 10/06/2010

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Make him pay child support but if he doesn't want to see his child then don't even bother trying. What goes around comes around and God will take care of him. You didn't make this child alone so he needs to pay up.

Jill - posted on 10/05/2010

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Thanks for all of the advice. But now our sitution has kinda changed a little as now his mom, dad, step-mom, step-dad, and siblings have finally learned that he has another daughter now that she is 4 months old. Him and I just got into another fight the other night about him signing his rights away and I finally told him to go ahead and do it. It'll just solve a lot of problems in my life where I won't have to deal with his little tantrums over stupid stuff. The only problem now is that his family wants to meet her and be in her life. If they are in her life and he isn't, that just makes it more complicated for me when it comes time to explain to her where her daddy is and why he isn't around. But I guess we will cross that road when we get there. And who knows, maybe once his family meets her, maybe he will want to meet her for the first time too?!

Tammy - posted on 10/05/2010

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Don't bother. Nothing you say or do will make him want to be a father. Your little girl will only know disappointment and heart ache if you force him. Just love her and be her world. She could not ask for more :)

Jake - posted on 10/05/2010

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I absolutely think you should make him pay support...absolutely. But it's probably not worth trying to force him to be involved. The state will help you get the support order and if they can't help you collect you can get a private agency like the one I work with to help you out.

Kim - posted on 10/05/2010

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Two years ago the father of my children left me for another women. Although it has been good for the kids it is awful for me. He still insists on talking to me almost everyday and i find it hard not to because of my lingering feelings for him. My daughter is 9 years old and would be devistated if she didnt talk to her daddy , but my son who was 2 at the time dosent know any better. I cant really say what is best for your situation but sometimes I wish that he was an a** and just left!! Co parenting for me is just like being in a relationship with him but I have to deal with the women he is with now and their relationship which can be painful. I guess what im trying to say is that if my daughter were younger I would have kept it where we didnt talk. When she got older she could have made the judgement herself. Do what you feel is best for you and your daughter! If he dosnt want to be there that is his loss!! Maybe someday he will come around! Good Luck! I know how difficult this part is!

Vicki - posted on 10/05/2010

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Honestly sweety, no its not worth it at all. He has obviously made up his mind and no matter what you do or how hard you push him or a relationship between him and your lil girl, it wont happen. I promise you Iam speaking from 5 yrs of awful, and sad exprience. The only one who will truely end up hurt, is your lil one. I know it's alot easier said than done, but let childsupport do their job and hold him financially responsible and just go on with your life. You will always thank him for giving you your lil girl. But just let him stay in your past. And when she's old enough, she will learn the truth on her own. I promise. Good luck to you.

Heather - posted on 10/05/2010

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Would any of his family members be interested in being part of her life? Even if Dad himself is not interested in being a parent to her, maybe she could still get to know her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.....plus if he sees his family getting involved it might make him decide to take an interest himself. Be careful though, down the road you both may wish you had dropped it when she was young. My daughter is 11, and dealing with her father has been a nightmare. Thousands upon thousands of $ spent on lawyers in court battles over custody. He actually took her from me for 4 years, and it all started when he was forced to pay child support....

Heather - posted on 10/05/2010

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If you think he would pay the child support without later on trying to fight you for custody just to be spiteful, by all means get the child support $. Most states will take him to court for you, so you don't need to pay a lawyer, you just need to show up. If he doesn't have any interest in being part of her life, don't push the issue, it sounds like he would end up disappointing her in the long run. Hopefully, you will meet another man who will love you and her as his own. Good Luck!

Crystal - posted on 10/01/2010

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I wish my twins father was like that they are almost 5mths he hasn't even seen them but tells me he is getting a dna test then wants to pay and get them on weekends i'll believe it when I see it and don't want him to take them cause hes not fit to take care of them I want him to sign over his rights best of luck in ur situation and its his loss you cant make him be there

Deanna - posted on 10/01/2010

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No, I don't believe fighting for him to be in her life, but I would definitely have him pay child support. It's actually better that he doesn't want to be there. It confuses the child. When they get angry with you, they will take it out on the child and then possible leave which will cause abandonment issues. My ex and I actually fight over time spent with our child and it has caused many problems with my son. You may meet someone wonderful one day that will take the place of being her father. Get rid of the loser! Garnish his wages. You'll need that money to be able to offer her the things that she deserves. My boyfriend has been an amazing father figure to my son and we are very happy. Just don't bring dates home to meet your daughter. Try and keep that part of your life separate when you are ready to move on. You'll know when you have met the right one that you can bring in to your life and start a family with your daughter. I wish you the best of luck!

Charity - posted on 09/30/2010

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I agree with every mother on here...its not worth fighting for him...im going through it with my daughters biological father and have been for the last 5 months..he chose to walk out and leave his daughter not me...im here for my daughter and always will be..i love her and cherish every minute with her, as for her father he couldnt care less about her...we do not have any contact with him..the only contact i have with him is when we go to court, and even then i dont talk to him or his girlfriend. I just want this to be over with and dealt with, and if he chooses to be in his daughters life after the court is done then thats up to him, but im not pushing him to be in her life..ive tried and tried and he also said he wanted to work things out, but nope im the better person and said "NO"..i wasnt ready for him to hurt me and i sure wouldnt let him hurt my daughter with his games and childishness...when hes ready to take responsibility then he knows where we are and can come see his daughter, until then i could care less because my daughter has a father figure in her life and hes the best guy for me and for my daughter..he treats us both good and loves us both unconditionally...hope you get some peace of mind, and good luck

Misti - posted on 09/30/2010

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i can understand your confusion. It's great that your state will still make him pay child support,my ex-husband and I have been split up for 2 yrs now and he has yet to come see his kids(we are in nc and he is in La)when he found out i was going to the child support office he started working under the table so i couldn't get anything.o in my opinion it is worth it to fight for support but as far as fighting for him it's really not worth your time.Be the best mom and spend that time with your daughter

Shelly - posted on 09/29/2010

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Well, I became a single Mom when my son was 8 months old...His Dad was in his life for about a year in half, then the last nearly 3 yrs, he dropped out of seeing him. He still pays child support, but has no contact,visits,etc seeing my son. If he don't want to take the effort, don't push it. I am wanting my fiance to adopt my son, as he has been in his life for a year in half now. James refers to my fiance as his Dad, and that just brings a smile to my face. You can't change the person they are, they say something they will, but in the long run, its simply just to get you thinking he really will. Good luck on your choice. Listen to your heart, and let God help you find that path you need.

Jeanette - posted on 09/28/2010

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i WOULDN'T WAIST MY TIME! If he doesn't want to be involved then thats his problem. My momma always said "mamma's baby daddies maybe". At least you can still get the financial support.

Kysha - posted on 09/28/2010

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The most important thing is to be a mother to your child. It's his loss. I went through it and it is hurtful when she asks about him. But I just let her know that I am her Mother and Father. Child support is due to your child, no doubt!

Amy - posted on 09/26/2010

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do you need the money? if you do, the pursue making him fulfill that obligation, but nothing more. if not, don't bother. don't bother trying to force him to be what he cant. it will be like yelling beyhind a deaf person's back. a waste of energy. it's his loss. i recommend you let him go. you are the lucky one and you'll realize that when you're done grieving the loss and fall more in love with your kid. you'll also meet someone better (trust me there are good guys out there) if you want it and you're ready. it happened to me.

Candi - posted on 09/26/2010

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i have a 3year old and a 6 month old daughter and yes it is totally worth fighting with their fathers to have thier dads in their lives...my 3 yr olds dad isnt there all the time but she knows who he is and loves him and my 6month old goes to her fathers every other week for a week...as for signing off his rights in wisconsin a parent cannot sign off right rights unless the other parent is married and their husband or wife are willing to adopt the child

Jennifer - posted on 09/25/2010

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hey i wouldnt fight him its not worth it at all.. ive been there done that it just makes them more angry and it just makes you more frustrated with the immaturity of what hes doing to you.. men are more immature going through court for a child than really anything else.... and as for child support to bad that he cant do what he wants he makes them he needs to take responsibitly for them..

Jennifer - posted on 09/24/2010

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Hi Jill!
Well to answer your question about fighting with him or over him...the answer would be no. Apparently he had never intended on working anything out with you if he's already involved with someone else. My son is 17 and has never met his father, and could care less. I finally started receiving "chump change" child support about two years ago. He was court ordered to pay in 1995 and the only reason why I actually started to receive anything was because I signed a piece of paper from the Child Support office stating that they were pressing charges against Mr. "Sperm Donor" for failure to pay, so they could send him to prison. He finally got a real job and his wages have been garnished ever since.
My point is this....he is the one that will have to explain to your daughter why he wasn't around to help you raise her. Stick it to him the best way that you know will get any money....their wallets! Don't let up on him or feel sorry for him. Make sure that you follow up on all court dates and start the proceedings for the child support to be court ordered. Always keep tabs on him (where he's living, working, etc.) so if he fails to keep up on his part of paying, you can help out the Child Support Division by supplying the information that they'll need. That is why my case took so long for them to finally take real action and put him away. He was always moving around to different locations and always worked "under the table" so as not to be traceable. And good luck w/the whole "signing his rights away", as you said, it just doesn't work that way in any state. Don't let this situation consume your life though, let the Child Support Div. do their job and you do yours....concentrating on being the best mom that you can be and show her (and you) that you have enough love to give her, so much that it will feel like the love coming from two parents.
And remember, you have no control over what he will do or doesn't do for that matter. But he is to understand that he WILL be financially responsible for YOUR baby the rest of her life. Just know that when your daughter grows up into a beautiful and intelligent woman (like my daughter who is 16 now-and yes, I raised her and my son, age 17 by myself with no child support!) she will only have you to thank for doing such a great job!
Hope this helps and keep your head up....your daughter is watching you always!

Tonya - posted on 09/24/2010

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My ex wanted nothing to do with my daughter either, but I took him to court and now the money comes right out of his check. He always said he was going to give up his rights, and I told him that's fine but you still have to provide money for her. I would say go for it, you're not the only one that made that baby and shouldn't be the only one taking care of that baby.

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im kind of having the same problems. and in my experice its not worth it. i have a 10 month old and a 21 month old. he is in his sons life but not his daughter. my daughter also has medical problems. that was gentic from his side. he chooses to be in his son life tht is normal and not his daughter i tried to push but got no where it will just physically and mentally exhaust you. i just told him he cant see either now. we also did the whole we can try and work things out. never worked but then again i quit trying didnt feel like i should i tried the whole time we were in the relationship. while he cheated and did whatever else he did.

Jill - posted on 09/23/2010

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Thanks for your advice. Its just been a really stressful week for me dealing with his juvenile behavior. His biggest concern is how he can get out of paying child support because he already pays support for his 3 year old too. If he has to pay more child support then he won't have any money to just do whatever he wants when he wants. I have come to the conclusion and I told him this last night when he text me back saying he isn't paying child support, that he isn't going to be adult about this to make sure OUR daughter has everything she needs, plus having both parents in her life. I know I am strong enough and can do this single mom parenting, but would love for her to know both sides of her family.

Shalonda - posted on 09/22/2010

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I am in a similar situation. My daughter is 6 and her dad was around all the until approximately 3 years ago. When he was around it was a stop in here and there with minimal financial support. I use to tell him that if he didn't concentrate more or growing an emotional bound that she was going to drift. I use to make her go visit him every other weekend and she would cry from the time she left until the day she came home. Well to make a long story short he has gotten married and she wants nothing to do with him. I say all that to say that I don't think that you shouldn't force him to do anything. The only person that is going to be hurt is your child. You are going to have enough love that she isn't going to miss anything.

Brooke - posted on 09/22/2010

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Don't fight! Not worth it at all! Concentrate on being the best parent you can be..it will get tougher before it gets easier, but you have to do what's best for you and your child!

Jamie - posted on 09/22/2010

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In my opinion it isn't worth fighting with him. You just be the best mom that you can and when she gets older she will understand that you were there for her and not him. If he doesn't want to be around her then have him sign his rights over and then he can just pay you the child support that your daughter deserves. But you can't make him be a "great stand up father" if he doesn't want to be. That will just be his loss!!!

Mariah - posted on 09/22/2010

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I agree, it's not worth the fight. My son is also 3 1/2 months old and I am in the middle of establishing child support, just awaiting paternity results before an order can be established. I tried so hard to get Dominic's father to be involved, but no matter how hard you try it's going to be the decision of the father. You've done all that you can. It's his loss because you are more than capable of providing your daughter with all of the love she will ever need :)

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