Contact with ex's family or not?

[deleted account] ( 5 moms have responded )

I am in contact with some of my ex's family on facebook. Almost 3 years ago my ex father in law got in contact with me asking for contact between him and his wife and my girls (three of their grandchildren). Wrote back saying how they were etc. and that I didn't mind the contact.



Since then just over 2 years ago my ex husband said that he wanted to have contact again - which he managed to do for a few months but didn't continue with the contact. (Mainly because I suspect it wasn't happening as fast as he wanted and he lost interest.)



I asked his family if any of them wanted contact with my girls. Message came back that I was sending out mixed messages to them - saying that they could have contact, but I was discouraging my ex at the same time and they didn't know what was happening. Explained to them that it wasn't a family thing, I didn't have any issues with them, it was just my ex husband because of his behaviour etc..



I am still 'friends' with some of his family on Facebook. Do I give them a last chance to have contact with my girls (especially now that my girls are growing up quickly) or do I leave them to make the effort. They haven't seen my girls for about 6.5 years now and some of them have been friends with me on facebook for just over 2 years now. They rarely ask after the girls.

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[deleted account]

Now that I've had time to reflect on my ex father in law's reply to my question. I've realised even more that my girls are better off without my ex and his family in their lives. If this is the lack of interest they've taken to my girls, then don't think there's any chance in the future of my girls ever having contact with their Dad's side of the family.

To put it in perspective, for my ex in laws', my girls are three of about 20 grandchildren and about 9 great grandchildren. With that many and in contact with most of them, what's the worry about 'forgetting' about 3 of your grandchildren, especially the ones that live several hours drive away. I know that most of the ex's family live fairly close together (in the same city) so can see each other on a regular basis. To have contact with my girls would take a lot more time and effort.

Got the impression that their son's feelings were/are more important than those of my girls.

[deleted account]

Ex father in law has been in contact with me and basically said that as my ex doesn't see the girls then it's felt that it isn't fair that him and his wife should have any contact with my girls. Said that my ex was given a chance to have contact. Also I have my concerns about ex (who's aware, or should be). Don't have anything against the wider family.



Ex father in law sounds like he would really like to have contact, but not prepared to until his son, my ex, has regular contact with my girls (at least once a month). then they can look at getting a bond back with my girls (three of their granddaughters). Also he said that for the best interest of the girls, we should be able to work past any concerns that I have and have some contact.



Looking at it now, the chances of them ever having contact with my girls is non-existant.



Think it is time to move on and work on the assumption that the whole of my ex's family is 'missing in action, presumed dead'. Easier for me and my girls. Shame that my ex father and mother in law couldn't look past the lack of contact between my ex and my girls.



Also my decision is made slightly easier, as he didn't even ask after my girls.



Is there any suggestions? My ex had a chance to get back in contact with my girls two years ago, but didn't last the course as it wasn't happening at his speed. It was done at the speed of my girls wanted. He managed to write letters for about 5 months, before dropping out of their lives again. They haven't heard from him now for about 20 months. His wider family, there's been no contact for about 6.5 years!!! Surely my ex parents in law could occasionally ask after my girls. It feels like even that's too much. My ex father in law wrote to me out of the blue 3 years ago, asking after the girls. Said that I was happy for that, but it didn't progress from that as he supposedly lost my address.

[deleted account]

Working out which family members to ask if they want any contact - starting with his parents. Just hoping that it doesn't back lash with the ex suddenly wanting to try and have contact again.



Just asked my ex father in law over Facebook if he is still interested in having some sort of contact with my girls. Will be interesting to see if a) he responds to my question and b) what the answer will be.



The ball is now is in his court to find out if my girls will have any contact with the ex's family or not.

[deleted account]

I asked them a while ago if any of them wanted to have contact with my girls, but none of them answered. I'm thinking about asking them again. Some of them I do get on with better than others. I'm not planning to close the door completely from them contacting me to have communication/contact with my girls. Some members of the family do have my current address.



The only person I don't really want them to have contact with is their Dad (my ex). He had a chance when he got back in contact just over 2 years ago after his second marriage failed. I let him have written contact with a view to more contact once he'd proved that he could maintain communications with a whole lot of rules to be observed and on the understanding that it was to be taken at the girls' speed and he acknowledged their birthdays. Lets just say he failed to acknowledge the two eldest girls' birthdays and he only managed to send letters for a few months. They haven't had anything for about 20 months now.



I tried to explain to his family that I didn't have anything against them, it was just my ex - for various reasons of which some I disclosed to them and some I didn't.



I will look at asking them again soon if any of them wish to have any contact with my girls. To begin with letters and then can work up from there. I know that I talked to my ex sister in law (I was married to the eldest brother and she married the middle brother. The brothers are two out of seven children). She said that our joint ex father in law eventually managed to get contact with her daughter and now sees/writes/contacts her on a regular basis. As for the ex mother in law - she still remains the same - barely makes an effort unless there's something in it for her.

Angel - posted on 04/15/2012

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Hi Beth, in my opinion, it really depends on your relationship with the individuals. If you feel comfortable connecting with the members of his family there is no reason to stop communication. If things become uncomfortable, you can at least say you tried. Don't close the door completely for your kids sake, but it also is not your responsibility to keep them in the loop.

I only recently unfriended my ex's family because it became uncomfortable while being taken to court. He had his family telling me it is my fault they do not get to spend time with his daughter and that is not true. I do not need the added stress while raising her on my own.

Good luck and best wishes.

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