Custody advise wanted

Elizabeth - posted on 06/17/2011 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Here is the deal. I am the mother of 3 cute girls and last month i got served with custody papers from the father of my older two. I left in 3.5 yrs ago due to domestic violence (he tried to strangle me with a belt) I have a restraining order on him til nov. In Wisconsin a restraining order does not keep you from seeing your kids.
After all this time he want to have joint custody of the kids and visitation. my children have come to call the father of my yougest daughter (my boyfreind) daddy. We have not told them what is going on.
I got a lawyer and he is tellin me that it will be to hard to get full custody of my girls and that i should just settle for joint.
Anyone living with joint custody were the father was abusive please tell me how this is workin and if my idea of just sayin the kids are going here, the kids will do this, they will not do this will work? any other feed back is helpful as single moms im sure that some of you have gone though something like this.

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Lauren - posted on 06/20/2011

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sc is a maternal state. and my cousins husband was abusive and got full custody of their 3 boys. all the boys r scared of him but since she moved out and had no place to live the courts thought it would be best for them to stay with him. jus cause hes abusive torwards her doesnt mean he will be towards the kids. but now she has a place to live and they have joint custody. its a very confusing thing to decide on. i say jus go around and talk to as many lawyers as u can especially if u want to keep the kids away from him.

Janette - posted on 06/18/2011

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I have joint custody with my ex husband who I had a 2 year protective order against. Restraining orders are a joke compared to a protective order. I got mine through the state attorney generals office. It included my children even tho there was no violence against them because my husband would hold them ransom to try and get me to stay. He would use them against me. And I was able to use this against him. I worry about a lawyer that suggested a retraining order instead of a protective order. Sounds quick and easy instead of for your best interest. I would find a new lawyer. My protective order is over now and my daughter has spent the last school year living with my ex husband. I still dont trust him, I still dont like him, but he has never done anything to intentionally hurt my daughter and he lives with his mother who watches him like a hawk. Its a horrible situation but this is how I made the best of it. I had to let go of control. I cant make anyone do anything except myself. So I had to change myself. My therapist says that when I change how I behave, others have to change the way they behave. So I use kindess and intelligence instead of yelling and screaming to get what I want. When voices get loud I whisper so that people have to get quiet to hear me. I speak honestly about my feelings and I remember to praise him for the things he does well (just like a child) so that he will do more of it. Each situation is so different and its likely you will have to try many different techniques before things get better. But remember first, the definition of crazy is to do the same things over and over and expect a different result. Change how you view the situation, and how you deal with things, and they will have to change too. It also took me realizing that when God forgives he erases the even from the book of life, as if it had never happened. If God expects us to try and be as much like him as we can, we should try to treat forgiveness the same way. Forgive and forget. Dont let those things keep hurting you.

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Amber - posted on 06/28/2011

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Find another lawyer! You need someone who will help you fight for your kids, not just say that it's too hard. To the lawyer this is just a paycheck, but to you it's your whole life and that of your kids! Don't give up cuz some stupid lawyer doesn't want to put in the hard work to help you, I speak from personal experience!

Heather - posted on 06/27/2011

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Look up the 12 factors for custody. The one with the most factors wins... I went through this with my ex and only won by one factor and now my current husband is fighting for his daughter b/c his ex married a sex offender. His chances of full custody is very good. I don't think your ex's is that great but he probably will get joint physical. Because of his history you can as for supervised visits. Good luck!

Bryndís - posted on 06/21/2011

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Don't agree on joint custody! Ever! If you have a good life with your boyfriend and he is supporting you and your girls trough this, the judge will see that and the abuse will also be a factor with him. Don't give up. Stand fast and don't let this abuser bully you anymore.

Lauryn - posted on 06/20/2011

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Has he ever been physical/violent with them? What about supervised visitation?

Pat - posted on 06/18/2011

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hi elizabeth i would see another lawer as i been through court with my eldest and i put my corncern to my laywer and and that i was scared to go any where near him,my son was allowed to see him,and i start to do hand overs and i decide i couldnt do it any more and that it was agreed my hubby do it and i was asked bout joint custardy and i said no i dont want him to have it as i had my reason and told them that and nothing more was said and my son dont see his dad any more wasnt my chocies but im pleased though,go and get another laywer and see what they say,good luck if you want to chat you can add me on fb if you want to xx

Jennifer - posted on 06/18/2011

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if you have a domestic past with your kids father and theres a restraining order at least in nys that gives you automatic full custody unless he can proove your unfit you wont loose your kids and i would find another lawyer any lawyer that tells you just to settle for joint legal isnt a good lawyer to begin with... in nys if your kids are at least 16 than they can tell the judge where they want to live i would fight for you kids and dont let anybody tell you to settle for less... thats just insane and rediculous hes abusive how do you not know that he wont be abusive towards the kids that is just putting them at risk to give him any kind of custody good luck

Casey - posted on 06/17/2011

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Agree with Lexi - do you have any evidence - photographs etc about the abuse? Lawyers are supposed to be working for you not telling you what to do as such. Good luck. :)

Lexi - posted on 06/17/2011

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Try to find you another lawyer. Don't just settle for one opinion. You don't always have to go with your first decision. Push it as hard as possible if you know for a fact that you don't want him in their lives. If the girls are old enough have them tell the courts how they feel. Don't just give up because of one persons advice.

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