Custody??? Do you have to go through court to get full custody as a single mother?

Sarah - posted on 02/20/2010 ( 355 moms have responded )

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My son is 4 years old. I take care of him without any financial help from the father. We have never been to court. He signed the birth certificate at birth and my son has his last name. My son has always lived with me. Does his dad have any rights to him, say if he were to take him and not give him back? Or is there something that I have to do through court to get full custody?

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Mrs - posted on 08/19/2013

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hello; I have never been to court & I was wondering how possible it is that I can get full sole custody of my 6 year old son? his dad was never really much part of his life, always bouncing in & out & off doing his own thing. he lives with his mother, while I, on the other hand own my house. I don't receive any financial help from his father at all...& he is $10,000 in the hole with child support & does not make any payments...(I also have on record with our child support case; the details of Domestic Violence he put me through in the past). our sons 6th birthday was July 15th & my husband paid his fathers round trip to our village to spend time with our son on his special day.. my husband is the provider of our family & has been in my sons life since he was nearly 3 years old... & my sons 1st three years of his life he still barely seen his dad, he never spent any time with him... During my sons Father Time in our village my son seen him for two days & the next two days he didn't see his father, yet, his father was still down here & drinking, partying.... (his father has also has DUI's in the past & lost his license due to it;he got it back over time) well, my son got sad when he turned him away, & this is not the first time he felt that way. After his father & I broke up in 2010 his father did not acknowledge him for the first 6 months & I tried like hell to get him to see our son... Now; my son tried to call his dad one week ago & he still has not returned his phone call!!!! I decided enough is enough.... how likely is it I can be granted full sole custody of my son??

Daisy - posted on 08/26/2013

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Hi my name is daisy im 26yrs old I have 2 kids from ex boyfriend we were together for 4 yrs I had my son who is 6yrs old already . I had him in 2007 and me the kids dad never been married at all he doesn't help at all he used to come and go only when he wanted to . My son has his last name and his in my son birth certificate ... and he has a girlfriend and another baby from his gf who is 17 yrs old and he 24 yrs old .... I just got married in July with an army guy Im moving next month . Anyways he never helped me with the kids or nothing .. what can I do to get full custody for my kids he doesn't see them at all never gives me. Money what can I do

User - posted on 09/05/2013

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My daughter is16 and she lives with my mom, and she is verbally and psychologically. Abused daily, I want her back in my custody, my parents have temporary custody, but I don't have money to get a lawyer, she won't let. Her speak to me or see me plz help

Jo - posted on 07/21/2011

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Yes dad has every right to take him and not give him back. And if you go to the police they will do nothing but say it is a civil matter take him to court. THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME! Please trust me on this take him to court have custody established through court. If he has had no contact with him check out abandonment laws in your state ad check with legal aid if you need to but you maybe able to just go before the judge and ask for sole custody. That way if Dad decides he wants to see his son later in his life you have all the say in what goes on. Please get this done even if there are no issues at this time because some day there maybe some and all the parenting you have done will mean absolutely nothing to some judges. Good luck to ya and if you need any help let me know I know of a lot of good web sites, groups and have many ideas to help get things done the right way.

Lisa - posted on 02/20/2010

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It depends on the state you live in. My sons father is not listed on his birth cert. I had the dna testing done which proved he was the father and he still chose not to be a part of his life. I was worried that one day he might change his mind and try to get custody of my son or something. I spoke with a few different attorneys and child support. I was told that where I live, the mother has full custody of the child and if my sons sperm donor ever decides he wants visitation rights or any rights he will have to take me to court to get them. In most states if your not married to the childs father he has no legal right. Meaning the only right my sons sperm donor has is the right to pay child support which is court ordered. He has no visitation rights and I was informed he can't just come and take my son without my permission or the court giving him visitation rights.
So check the laws for your state. You can even do a free consult with an attorney to get more information.

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Erika - posted on 08/11/2014

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I have full/ sole custody of my child which I got via the courts. I did my research, wrote up the papers, paid the $100 and something dollars. Send notification to the last known address of my ex-husband. Showed up in court and since my ex-husband did not show up to contest it I got full custody.

If your ex-husband/ boyfriend doesn't want custody of your child or doesn't want to be involved you really don't have to do anything. By all practical means you do have full custody. If you are in fear that in the future 3 years from now he may try to get custody from you or that he will try to kidnap your child you can go ahead and file, but even if you file for full custody now he can still try to get custody of them three years from now. That little piece of paper is only good if both parents agree to follow it.

The best advice given to me was to document. I documented every incidence of abuse. Like when he left a knife in stabbed in the middle of my counter top, or when he showed up drunk at 12:00 banging on the door. Don't hesitate to call the police not to necessarily press charges, but to file a report so that it is on record. You local state agency should be able to track his lack of child support. Also unless he gives you money in check form, any support he gives you is untraceable. He can stand up and court and say (yes lie) that he gave you $200 cash every month, but without a paper trail they will not believe him.

So if you ex isn't likely to pursue you and your child and isn't providing child support you probably don't have to worry. Going to court and getting that little piece of paper probably won't change much except deplete you checking account a little.

Also having his name on the birth certificate or not means nothing now in a time when all it takes is a DNA test to prove or disprove that he is the father. If he takes the test and it is proven that he is the father he could have rights whether his name is on the birth certificate or not. BUT realize that he only has those rights if he choose to exercise them. Most of you who are posting have loser ex-husbands/boyfriends like me so he probably will never try to exercise those rights.

Good luck

Cynthia - posted on 08/11/2014

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depends on where you live. Mother's In Florida have sole custody of children born out of wedlock until paternity is established. The father can initiate establishing his paternal rights with the Court but many don't because as long as they can delay child support they will. When the mother applies for child support the father can ask for time sharing etc. I am not sure about the birth certificate part. Full custody doesn't hardly happen. a consultation from an attorney is a good thing it may cost a little but making a bad move could cost you custody. mother's are losing custody in 70% of contested custody cases.

Absanders - posted on 05/26/2014

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I have a child with someone and we have never went to court over her and now hes in jail and his girlfriend wont give her to me she says she is not there what can I do?

Decimus - posted on 04/22/2014

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Why would you want to prevent your son from seeing his dad? The more his dad wants to see of him the better. How would you like it as a child if you were never allowed to see your mom?

Deborah - posted on 02/18/2014

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I was trying to reach out to Jasmine Harding. Sorry if I posted in the wrong box. Jasmine, my daughter is going thru the exact same thing except she has me to file for her. Please email me at debbiefaye2004@yahoo.com and I will do my best to help you.

Deborah - posted on 02/18/2014

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Hi Sarah, if you were never married, then you are presumed to automatically have custody as the natural mother. BUT, because if you want to enforce your rights and make sure that his dad can't just pick him up and not return him, then you run as fast as you can to the nearest courthouse and file for PHYSICAL custody. There is a difference. If you believe the child's father DOESN'T have his child's best interest at heart (be honest with yourself), then I would file for SOLE PHYSICAL CUSTODY AND SOLE LEGAL CUSTODY. Most courts look favorably at parents who TRY and co parent together and who look reasonable, so I would consider JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY so that he could help make decisions about his child's schooling, etc. I hope this will give you some direction.

Jasmine - posted on 01/29/2014

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I am not a mom. But I need help. I'm 14 and can't find any help. My grandmother has custody of me and emotionally I can not take it. Physically I'm in my room constantly all day everyday until its a weekend n I see my mom. I come second to everyone here. I want to know how I have to get a court thing started to see if I could move back with my mom. I know in old enough to say where I want to live but my grandmother said that she will not make the court date and she would do whatever she could to keep me from my mom.

Bettina - posted on 01/23/2014

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I Want to know how do i get full custody.i has my baby thanksgiving.haven't heard from the father since last April.he disconnected his phone and moved.we conceived the child in the county i live in However he lives 40 miles away in another county.the day i found out i was preg i also found out he was lying to me and was married.we had been seeing each other for 8 yr and he's living a double life. We never have lived together before and i breast feed.is there a way he could be granted over night stays or custody.he didn't sign birth certificate. I live in California

Madeleine - posted on 01/18/2014

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I am a single mother i lived with my babys dad for 2 years but we didnt get married! He was always out using drugs hitting me cusing at me in front of my son! He didnt want to work or let me work. Myy son was born in california and does have his fathers last name in his birth certificare but since we were having alot of problems me and my son moved to minnesota i had no were else to go in ca. I want to know if that will go against me for bringing my son to a different state? Also i wanna know if he has any rights for my son he hasnt helped me since sep 2013. Do you guys think i can get full custody of my 2 year old son? Please help!!!
Thank you!!! :)

Brandy - posted on 01/02/2014

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If I have been taking care of my baby since she has been born and the father is not on birth certificate dose he have any right

Shelley - posted on 11/12/2013

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Hi on march 2013 i stoped contact with my son and his father because his father got him 3 overnights and that was fine with me but then i started finding out that his father wasnt taking him it was his mother and his mother drinks every night i was getting reports from my sons nursery saing that my son was falling asleep on couches so i said to my wee boys dad that he wasnt staying over night so threw arguments contact stop untill wee went to lawyers and my boys dad agreed to a wednesday and saturday 4.30-7.30 wich is 6 hours per week so thats been fine since june and now i got a letter in saying he wants to take me to court my sons dad lost his job a couple a months ago and now he hasnt got a job he was saying he will get legal aid and get his 3 nights back can u give me advise on this as my lawyer has not got back to me ?

Ashley - posted on 11/05/2013

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I'm married and I've been in an abusive relationship since we got married. My husband has had affairs and got another woman pregnant. He just up and leaves us last month. He's not helping me with child support and up and takes off to Kentucky. We live in Virginia. What can I do as far as custody and child support still being married?

Kelly - posted on 09/05/2013

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Carol , if you have no money u should qualify for free advice and representation ?
id look into it if i were you ...Also your daughter is plenty old enough to request her custody be changed and she can go to court sue your mom for her child support and go out on her own if she so choses .....good luck :)

Veronica - posted on 07/23/2013

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Custody only goes to the mother automatically in certain places if the parents were never married I believe. Because I live in California and was never married to or lived with the father of my child (I had her at 19) and the court is telling me that we have joint custody automatically in that case. Just like you, his name is on her birth certificate and she has his last name but he has not paid a single penny in child support since she's been born. We are going on 2 years of court battles because the judge refuses to change who has custody over her even though he and members of his family are regular drug users. So you really need to check with your local court house in the family services department in order to know for sure.

Holly - posted on 07/08/2013

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I'm sorry about that last reply...I hit the enter key, but I was trying to say that it sounds like you are doing a great job without your husband and your son is going well.
I like your motto, "out of sight, out of mind".

Good luck in court and if he is a no show, the court will probably approve your request for sole custody.

I hope this helped at least a little :-)

Uvette - posted on 07/07/2013

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My husband and I have a 9 year old son. My husband walkef out on us around three time in 2 years. One time he tried to sneak away from our son when he was 5 years old on my son ran behind him all by himself crossing the higway all alone because he wss trying to get to his other woman house because this is where I found him when I got off from work. Did I mention he hadn't worked in five years. Leaving all the debt all on me. Last yesr I was physically evicted. He wlked away without lifting a fingerI lost everything thst day. So I salvage our clothes and moved back home until I got on my feet. Not onev time he offered any help. But once I got back on my feet. I went to him and offered my help and to work on our marriage. Not knowing he involved himself wi anothe r woman. Apparently I am a threat because she becomes real crazy whenever we come around. He stopped tsking phone calls. He said for us not to call anymore because she will get upset. He lies to my son all the time. Also, he is an alcoholic. A violent one. .We are married and whave a son and my son is doinwell in school. I am his sole provider. It hurt s my son so bad thst his father shows no intrest in him. So, I filed for sole custody and he didn't respond to the petition now its in default snd my default hearing is in two weeks and he still showing no intrest so therefore, my motto is out of site out of mind. Am I wrong for this?

Holly - posted on 07/06/2013

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Hi Sarah...without knowing the more about your relationship with father, I will assume you do not want father in child's life?? In situations where a couple has a child, but is not married, custody automatically goes to the mother. If you and the father are able to work out a schedule that you agree on for visitation, you won't need to go to court. If you are trying to keep father out of the child's life, then father can file for visitation if you can't agree on a schedule. It does not matter that the child has his last name.
If father does go to court asking for full custody, trust me, it will never happen unless there are extenuating circumstances (neglect, abuse, etc.) on your part.
The "normal" agreement would be mother has sole physical custody with shared legal (legal only means father has a say in matters such as religion, school and doctors).
As for child support, I believe different states have different laws...like in Massachusetts, you can not deny a father visitation because he is not paying. They are two separate issues. I have been in your situation...twice! I have learned sooo much about the court system and how it works...fathers do have rights, too! Unless there is proven abuse or neglect, chances are the father is entitled to visits.
Hope this helps and good luck!!

& Kristina Beck...I don't think the 9/10 possession applies to a child. That law applies to material items, not children...our children are not our possessions!!!

April - posted on 06/19/2013

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MY daughter is going to be 13 this year and wants to live with me, what do I need to do to get her in front of a judge so she can choose to live with me, she has to lock herself in a room to talk to me cause her non biological grandma wont let her see me or talk to me all she has is legal guardianship but because I missed the court date because I moved I temporarily signed my rights away so it says in the paper work. please let me know what I can do?

April - posted on 06/19/2013

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What do I need to do if my daughter is 13 and wants to come home, but my exhusbands grandma has legal guardianship of her and wont let her talk to me or see me how do I file paper work so she can choose in front of a judge who she wants to live with?

JPatrick - posted on 05/23/2013

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Christina, you probably could have started a new thread with this post, but anyway...

Why do you say HE is wanting divorce -- don't you? The $ situation shouldn't stop you. He may have to pay spousal support (aka 'maintenance' or 'alimony') to you, especially if you don't work. He will definitely have to pay child support, although it may not be much if he has all those other kids to care for, or if he makes below a certain income level.

Now, when you say you have 'full sole custody' for 4 years, I am confused -- you are married, so did you go through the courts to get a custody order? If not, you dont have legal custody. If so, the court may continue that custody order after divorce -- although he may fight it, your odds seem pretty good (based on your brief story). If you are the primary caretaker of your daughter, courts will be more likely to award you custody. The kid doesn't go to the parent w/the most money -- that is the purpose of support! In fact, if you are NOT working, and have fewer other kids to look after, it seems like your daughter would be best off with you -- and they also take the child's view into consideration (the court may appoint a guardian ad litem, i.e. attorney for the child).

If you have established residency in your current state (i.e., both lived there for the minimum amount of time), you should be able to file for divorce/custody/etc.

Christina - posted on 05/16/2013

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Hi i'm new to this any help would be great I have been married for 17 years have a daughter from the marriage. Her father has been in & out of our lives the whole time. Now he is wanting a divorce. For the last 2 years my husband has only lived with us for 4 months at the most. For the last year he has lived next door & has only seen our daughter maybe 10 times for few minutes only. She is now 15 & hates her father cause all he cares about is his dog, his first wife, & there daughter that is 39 yes I am wife number 3 he has been in jail for pulling a gun on my son his step son he has raised sence he was 3 years old. my husband has 3 kids from 2nd marriage that he has full custody of cause there mom ran off. He gave up all rights to them a few months after our daughter was born. has not seen or heard from them they hate him cause they said in court he did bad things to them. Now he is trying to get full custody of my daughter she is scared of him & I have had full soul custody of her for 4 years. He has been known to just clean out the bank account & leave in the middle of the night & be gone for days, weeks, months, this last time for over a year we r fine without him. I am worried he will get her in court only cause if we divorce I have no income I was never aloud to work tell this last year. My daughter & get a small V A benefit from him but that will stop if get divorced. He was court ordered to pay child support but the state it was ordered in closed the case cause we lived together for them 4 months. So i'm trying to start it in Oregon. Bottom line is my husband only wants my daughter cause he wants to hurt me and have nothing. He is lying, cheating, money hungry dead beat father that is screwing the V A Thank u for reading my short story it would blow your mind if u only knew our whole 17 years together of marriage.

Debbie - posted on 05/09/2013

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i wat to go against the judge who handled my case i proved that he is an unfit parent and they still gave give visitation rights i want to make a strong group and get the law changed because a man who hasnt been supportive or been around a child helping out with money and stuff shouldnt be able to see a child obviously

Kristina - posted on 05/01/2013

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Until there is a custody order. Either parent can legally keep the child. Possession is 9/10 the law. After terrible outcome in Family Courts. I suggest Richard Ducote as an attorney.

Leanne - posted on 04/29/2013

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My daughter is 4 years old. Her father is a convicted felon who got out of prison bout a half a year ago now. We made a agreement that he gets every other weekend without going to court. He maybe gets her once a weekend a month now. He says he can't get her due to low money when i know he does. He has a fiance which i don't know if she has anything on her record who has a kid with someone else and now they have a kid on the way together. I don't know what they are planning but I just want to be safe and get ready to fight for custody of our daughter. Her best interest is living with me because i have a full job and i don't jump job to job like her father does. I don't know what happens up where he lives and what he does. We use to talk about every other day and we don't talk anymore except when he is pose to get her and that kinda makes me worry. I just need help trying to find out if he can get any type of custody

Tiffany Marie - posted on 04/17/2013

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My mom has had permanent custody of my 3 children for 6 years and now we both have agreed to let me have them back. We don't want to go to court if we don't have to. Can we make our own agreement and tell a judge to sign the proper paperwork giving me permanent custody again? What can we do? What should we do to get it done immediately?

Alicia - posted on 02/02/2013

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I dont think that she went to court or is afraid to when she really doesn't want full custody.

Cecilia - posted on 02/02/2013

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Alica, i wondered that also. I guess it's because Mao didn't get custody through court that the father was allowed to take the children...

Mao - posted on 02/02/2013

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Dear Sara I'm in the same situtation will almost when he went to rehab I move on and my kids know only one daddy my husband been w/ us since she was 1 and my son 2. They dont rember there dad like that will when he came out he threathen me but i still let him see the kids never ask for money cause my new husband provide everything for us he love the kids. Will I needed help w/ my addiction to narcoctic i didnt want to go to a clinic and they give you methodone that stuff is alot harder and can get u higher then perck. Well anyway during my w/drawal I agree for them to take the kids for two wks. two wks come up they went behind my back to trandfer them to a school next to theirs. So yesterday i was suppose to pick them up my hubby truck just stop and I ran two blocks just to have them call the police and I couldnt even hug m kids that i havent seen in 2ks. I admit i take 1 zanzac to ease my withdrawel but I'm even easing off of it more and more, He claim he taken me to court he doesnt have a job he still on methodone and his mom is in remission from cancer. they dont have their own room no pc, tablet, comcast nothing tech dat they beg me to get cause they so smart. so u think I wouldnt get the schools days custody. they get to see them on friday till sunday and b4 my car broke down I was nice enough to drop them off cause it was cold & freezing I dont want full custody I just want them to compromise which they only doing to get welfare from the kids cause he cant get welfare if he doesnt have children living w/ him. Dude never gave me a dime and I still was always forgiving even when he was a straight asshole I.m a nice person I hate confrntation but from now on they done w/ me giving them respect.

Linda - posted on 01/31/2013

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Sarah you DO need to go to court. You just don't always need a lawyer. U can obtain all papers necessary, for free, at court and sometimes in other places too. Many states r now demanding that the court appoint a custodial parent in cases of a single parent household. Without that order, the father can show up at any time and take him wherever and no telling when he comes back. The court and law see him having as much right to his son as u have. Go to court, have it recorded that u r his LEGAL custodial parent in all matters. This gives you the right to make all decisions for ur child, just as u have been doing. You won't have to worry about dad showing up, demanding him and u not being able to see him. If dad does come around, allow visits, prob supervised! If dad turns out to b stable, good for the child and wants some custody u can always amend the decree if u want. U can allow visits without going to court. Just love the boy, don't turn him from his father -- u will pay for that with a lot of anger and blame as he grows older. Just explain to him at his level of understanding. Keep him safe n with u by means of a small LEGAL paper. Good luck and God Bless.

Christy - posted on 01/30/2013

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I do believe he has some rights because his name is on the birth certificate if you are married he would have more rights. I would get legal advice and if you are worried his father might take him, then let his dad have contact in a contact centre. It may have to go to court if both of you cannot compromise. I think kids should have access to both parents if it is safe to do so.

Melinda - posted on 01/28/2013

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the court will recognize him as an equal parent until another custody arrangement is decided and signed off by the judge. If he were to take him and not give him back without those papers there is little you could do about it. It would not be considered a kidnapping or illegal in any way.

Tee - posted on 01/23/2013

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That is a touchy subject if you were not married. But you both have equal custody. You need to go to court to ensure you are recognized as the Primary Parent. He can walk off with the child at any time and it is not considered custodial interference. Find out the laws for your state. And get ready to do battle. If you can talk to him and get something in writing that can be entered into court you will be better off. Courts don't grant full custody unless their is abuse or the other parent signs over that right.

Hailey - posted on 01/23/2013

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Yes Dads have equal rights to their children and you can make custody agreements and support agreements without court but if you want sole custody yes you have to go to court. there are many different types of custody orders the most common sole custody order awards one parent with full custody but leaves room for the other to have access to their cild.

Hillary - posted on 01/22/2013

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I'm not sure what state you live in, but I've been through this twice...once with my oldest daughters father back in 97 and 3 years ago with my youngests father...the youngest's father and I have worked things out since and are happily planning a wedding soon :) However, in both cases, My oldest's father was cut completely off due to anger and drug issues....my court papers for that case read... SOLE CUSTODY AWARDED TO THE MOTHER.( Which means that she lives with me and he has NO ACCESS TO HER or ANY RECORDS concerning her unless I SAY HE CAN!) My youngest's papers read....PRIMARY PHYSICAL CUSTODY AWARDED TO MOTHER, JOINT LEGAL AWARDED TO FATHER. (Which means that she resides with me and her father has visitation with access to her day-care, school and medical records. Also no MAJOR medical decisions can be made without BOTH of our consent.)
My best friend was just recently awarded SOLE CUSTODY of her 9 year old daughter and Primary Physical Custody of her newborn......so YES Primary Custody and Sole Custody DO still exist in the courts.

Andrea - posted on 01/19/2013

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yes i am a single divorce mom afrom new jersey and my ex has joint custoday with me

Linda Marie - posted on 01/19/2013

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i got told because my childs father is on the birth certificate he has rights to her and legally and take her from me and nothing the police can do unless his place is not fit for a baby. i am trying to get full custody of my daughter and i have been told i have to go in ffront of a judge say my story etc so think you will have to

Bobbie - posted on 01/18/2013

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I know in a lot of states you do have to legally go to court to get legal custody of your child i suggest call a lawyer or child support and ask what you have to do so you will always have legal custody of him. I know in some states even though you carry your child for 9 months they don't legally belong to you, i found that out when my daughters were little thankfully they are grown now. Also go to the library and ask for the book they states the laws in your state,also you can google a lot of the laws. God bless Bobbie Burruss silverfox9361@yahoo.com

Alicia - posted on 01/17/2013

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just because the child lives with you don't mean that you have custody.Being that you were never married then neither one has custody in order for you to get full custody you have to file papers in family court make sure that you have the birth cert,the father's ss # (the ss number will help) they papers will ask you why you feel that u want custody of the child so explain in detail. good luck

Paula - posted on 01/17/2013

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I will phone a lawyer in the morning is the number on here useful please Alicia????????????????????

Paula - posted on 01/17/2013

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Thank you so much, i just worry as i have left it so long as the father has put me in the mix & now although been clean 5 yrs, i can see how he has poisioned social services & all HIS family against me, i did not attend meetings @ social services as if i would of louded him out about his drug abuse my children would of ended up in care although there are of an age of choice with me explaining that do you think i have a chance????? he has not got full custody, though they are settled, yet im the one suffering as i still feel i have to keep quiet for the childrens sake hun!

Alicia - posted on 01/17/2013

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you have to file custody papers in family court in the county you live in

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