Dead beat dad wants to change his mind... What do I do?

DeLores - posted on 03/14/2010 ( 17 moms have responded )

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My four month old daughter's sperm donor now wants to meet me for lunch and see her... he met her once before, held her for two or three minutes tops... and then disappeared for four months. I kicked him out when I was three months pregnant for hitting me... Im too strong to go through that.



Child support is not an option... he would go to jail on the spot if he got brave enough to file for visitation... apparently he has several other kids that he isnt there for and owes ALOT in back child support... so I guess my question is... morally... would I be just if I kept my daughter from him for fear that he will be a fair weather father... Here today, gone tomorrow... Stability? or do I owe her the right to know him, and learn for herself?

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Jeannie - posted on 03/17/2010

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boy that's a tough one.....Im dealing with the same issue from my sons father..he pops in and out and has every since my son was 2. However I give him the option to c him....he's older now so i let him decide. It's really hard to know the right way to go because if u don't let them see them then they can lash out later in life and blame you and have resentment towards you....i also dealt with that from my son when i kept him away from him for a yr.....so i guess my advice would be to let him get to know her if he is willing to be steady...popping in and out can be very detrimental to them, don't allow him to do anything that will hurt her and if he starts being distant just always leave the option open unless it is hurting her and as she gets older you can explain it to her and more and more as she sees it...she will understand. My son is 8 now and finally understands that daddy just don't care....it's very sad and heartbreaking as mothers to go through this with our child, we feel there pain....but never verbally bash him to her and allow her to form her own opinion...........were damned if we do, and damned if we don't.....all we can do is try, can't make them want to be fathers. Good luck sweetheart!

Monique - posted on 03/17/2010

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Its good that she has a male role model in her life( your husband) so dont deny her biofather the right of visiting his daughter. If he keeps getting MIA he will tear his own a%@ because she will see for herself when older, but you don't have to carry that on you if he tells her he tried to be in her life,but you wouldnt let him.

Nadine - posted on 03/17/2010

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Before I read the comments I am going to give my own opinion. My sons both have the same type of father. They are now 23 and 16. Let me tell you, they are both so hurt at the way their dad's were drop in parents. I think it hurt them more to have someone who only found them as a fad of the moment, and only saw them when it was in their time of having nothing better to do. I believe they would of been better of not to have that type of role model to think of as a parent. He seems to have already established a pattern, and it is unlikely to change any time soon, as he has already proven himself. Red flag- he has already abused you. A temper like that is not for a child to see. It shows loss of patience when confronted with issues. You owe your child a stable love and a comforting home. Your child's welfare comes before someone who wants to play daddy when it suits him. I do not believe you owe him anything, but you do owe your child a right to feel loved at all times, and sadly, a parent who drops in and out just makes your child question how loved they are. Just my experience and opinion.

Judy - posted on 03/17/2010

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I believe that a father has rights. He deserves to see his daughter. You deserve and so does your daughter, child support and you should file for it. It is your right as a mother and parent and it is your daughter's too. If he goes to jail, it is not your problem nor concern.

Katie - posted on 03/16/2010

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Sticky situation you're in, friend. I was in a similar situation with my daughter. I left her dad when she was 6 months, he went to jail for 6 months at that time, so she didn't really see him again until she was 1 year. When he got out, I started letting him see her, but ALWAYS in my presence. We would meet in public places ( the mall, a park, the airport, etc) and they would get a couple hours together once or twice a week to solidify their bond (that was a bond formed in the womb, & who am I to stand in the way of that, right?). As time went on, I'd let her spend the afternoon with him every other week or so, it varied. Keep in mind, her dad is equally "fair weather", he doesn't pay child support, doesn't have regular visitation, has 6 other kids before my daughter and has never taken care of them either.
Now, we are all civil to each other and can be in the same space at the same time without being ugly to each other (after 7 years!!).
THe point is this: your daughter has the right to know her father. As long as he doesn't put her in harm's way, he has the right to know his daughter, too. She needs to get to know her dad and be able to figure out what he's about on her own. She's very young now, so I would suggest any time you do let him spend with her, be there too. TRY REAL HARD, FOR HER SAKE to remove your emotions about your relationship from the equasion and let her get to know her dad. As time goes by, you may be suprized at the bond they form. He may still be a deadbeat, but if there is love between your daughter & her father, then who are you to stand in the way of that? She will eventually learn what he's all about, but in the meantime, there's one more person in your daughter's life who loves her. How can that be bad?
Best of luck to you!

Yvette - posted on 03/16/2010

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You got it. you owe her the right to know who he is. Even if he is deadbeat, he's the one GOD chose for her. You don't have a right to interfere, unless he is hurting her. Children grow up, and fathers get old. If her is a bad one, it will be his cross to bear.

Bel - posted on 03/16/2010

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I am usually all for dad seeing his child but totally against it if his violent. This is a tough choice to make! Do you have full custody? If not its wise to have it.

Linsey - posted on 03/16/2010

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Crikey what a sad story.. If i were you i wouldnt let him near your daughter but when shes old enough i would sit her down and explain to her why you made that decision and then it would be up to her to decide whether or not she wants to look for him.. If hes capable of hitting a pregnant woman hes capable of doing anything.. Protect your baby...... all the best xx

Windy - posted on 03/16/2010

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I understand how you feel. I have a 17 year old and his father pays child support but doesn't want anything to do with my son. When he found out that I was pregnant he told me that he would pay for me to abort. I told him no and that I would see him in court for child support. He pays it like it is his mission. I never told my son what his father said because I didn't want to be the bad guy. I have raised him alone and I have loved everyday of it. Even though I never spoke ill of his father he has a grudge against him. But to top it off he has 2 other children that he has with his wife that he never wanted as well.

I guess with your situation your baby is still young and she wont remember him if you did let him see her. I personally would let him see her and if he screwed up again I would get a court order against him for abandonment. Check into those laws.

But also if you don't want your baby to wonder if it was her fault or if you were the reason why he isn't apart of her life never and I mean never talk ill of him.

If the baby ask you why doesn't my daddy care or love me just tell the baby " It's not that he doesn't love or care about you it is he is a very confussed person and doesn't know what he wants." That way you are protecting your child's feeling and emotions.

Rain - posted on 03/16/2010

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I was in a similiar place and made the decision to involve him so that she could have a father in her life. It is the only decision in my life I truely regret because I have saddled her with an abusive asshole who only manages to be around just enough to cause her emotional turmoil. He tells her he loves her then punches her in the head when she doesn't move fast enough to suuit him - and the court allows him supeervision even though her therapist, who he did supervised visitation with, said he should always have another adult present to have visitation with her. Keep your child safe - that is your first priority. If it means that much to him, he'll go to court and do it legally. If he doesn't, he doesn't want it that bad. Don't do something you can't undo.

Kekua - posted on 03/16/2010

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I think that at this age you don't need to worry about the stability factor because she's too young to notice his presence or absence unless he becomes really regular in her life. However, since he was abusive I'd be very careful and of course not allow an unsupervised visit.

Cindy - posted on 03/15/2010

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I have a donor like yours and my daughter is now 15 the only difference is that he was never abusive towards me, but he was towards the mothers of his other children. Since we weren't married I filed for child support to make him show an effort that he wanted to be in his childs life. He showed for the few initial court hearings, paid support a couple times, had a few visits with her than dissappeared for months at a time. I got married and my daughter called my husband daddy as she was 10 months old when we started dating so he was the only "daddy" she had come to know. Over the years, I always told her that he was her step-daddy & that she had another daddy too. By the time she was 5-6 we stopped talking about her other daddy until one day (around 10) she asked me & told her about him. She wanted to meet him but I had no idea where he was until I received a call that he had been arrested for non-payment of support and could I go to a hearing. She was about 12 at this time and wanted to visit him, so after writing him a letter and letting him know she wanted to visit I took her to the county jail to visit her bio-father for the first time she could remember. She desperately wanted to believe the promises that came out of his mouth, but questioned him as to where he had been. She knew (because I told her) that she had a sister and 2 brothers and wanted to meet them. To make long story short, he continued his trend of here today, gone tomorrow for a few years & finally 2 years ago she got to meet her siblings for the first time. They all actually spent a weekend with their father at his place and for the first time I thought that maybe he had grown up. Wrong! he went MIA again and the next time he surfaced my daughter & the siblings all told him to stay gone! They were done with him empty promises & broken dreams. My daughter told him that she had a Dad that loved her & wanted her so she didn't need someone in her life that didn't.

I'm not saying that all men are like this, but if yours already has a track record of not taking care of his other children, than why would he take care of yours? Most definetely you have every reason in the world to tell him no! Make him show you the effort that he wants to be in your childs life for your child not so that he can get close to you again. And since you said that he hit you, I would certainly want supervised visitation if he pursued it.

Nicole - posted on 03/15/2010

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well its not really safe to have her around him and if he isnt going to be a full time dad then it will just hurt her it will confuse her

LAVETRA - posted on 03/14/2010

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RIGHT NOW,YOU ARE THE ONLY PARENT SHE KNOWS. DONT CONFUSE HER IF HE IS NOT GOING TO BE THERE. WHEN SHE IS OLD ENOUGH,SHE WILL THEN SEE FOR HERSELF. AS FOR NOW,IF HE IS NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR HER AND DOES NOT HAVE A DESIRE TO BE IN HER LIFE,DONT FORCE IT AND DONT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. FIND JESUS AND LEARN ABOUT THE LOVE OF GOD FOR BOTH OF YOU.

Shannon - posted on 03/14/2010

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I agree with the other posts. If he wants to see her that badly he will make the effort. Remember though that there are an awful lot of adopted kids out there that never have met their "real" parents. it only takes sperm to become a father it takes a lot more to become a Dad. If him being the biological father is the only reason you can think of to let him see her, then maybe that is not a relationship she should have. Especially if he is abusive and not helpful with the kids he already has.

Candice - posted on 03/14/2010

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at this age, she won't know the difference either way. if he's abusive though, i'd be hesitant to make any visitation deals with him outside of court. but if he does file, keep in mind that you need proof to accuse him of anything, and he may still be granted supervised visitation. I pretty much agree with donna though, tell him to file if he wants...if he goes through the process, at least you know he's trying to make an effort.

Donna - posted on 03/14/2010

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To be honest with you, that's a really tough choice to make. I guess the question would be...Is your daughter safe with him? I was in a similar situation with my children's "donor". I felt that it was a risk, so I denied him the right to see his children. I told him that if he really wanted to see the children, that he would do it properly and file for Visitation through Family Court. That way, he would have to make the effort to make it possible for him to see the children. Well, my ex didn't make the effort, but I filed for Child Support. He had to attend the hearing. The judge denied him visitation because of his background and approved child support. He ended up giving up his parental rights and my current husband adopted them. So again, it's really on your judgement. What's best for your daughter in your opinion? You're her mother and protector. Good luck!

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