deadbeat dads

AMANDA - posted on 12/12/2009 ( 51 moms have responded )

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Why do some men never want to have anything to do w/ their children

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[deleted account]

Some men just have not got the maturity to deal with responsibility until they are much older. Sadly, some men never reach the maturity needed to be a parent.

My daughter's father is a prime example. He was 30 when she was born. She is now 17 and he is 47. He is still off having too much fun to be a father. He has never even had the decency to stop by and introduce himself to her.

Here is the up-side: He has never had the opportunity to mess up our lives. There is no conflict between parents to stress out the child. There is no heartbreak when dad doesn't show up to see the child performing in the Christmas pageant at school or church. There is no disappointment when dad doesn't show up for his weekly visit.

This sounds really negative, but if he doesn't want to be a part of the child's life, let it go. If you try to force him to be a part of the child's life, he will react in a negative manner and this will cause more damage than his absence. Some day he will realize what a mistake he made and have to explain it to his son or daughter.

My daughter is 17 and has never met her father. She knows that it is his decision. However, something very important to remember is to NOT slam his character. Your child will decide how to feel about the absent father.

I used to wait until she asked about him and then would only answer the question she asked with a very simple answer. By the time she was in 5th and 6th grade, she would sometimes be mad at him for not being around. Sometimes now she is also mad at him for not being around.

I have told my daughter that when she is out of high school and preferably out of college as well, that I would help her look him up so she can meet him if she would like. In the meantime, however, we will just have to respect his decision to not be a part of the family.

Yes, it is hard to accept. Yes, it creates financial struggles because he has never ever paid a dime in child support. However, it also creates a peacefulness because he is not around to create a stressful home environment or demonstrate destructive behavior by being forced into a situation that he doesn't want to be a part of.

Well, I know that this answer may not be what you want to hear, but take it from my 17 years of experience that sometimes it is best to let go now and let him answer for his absence to his child when they are grown.

Ellen - posted on 12/12/2009

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they are not men, they are boys. men take responsibility for their actions. I am just learning now that the person I decided to procreate with is a boy and his father and grandfather were boys never making it to manhood. Instead they stalled out at about the mental maturity level of a 15 year old. Does not make it easier or less frustrating, but not everybody grows up! Just my observation and if this insight helps in seeing things more clearly ..... I am glad to help and sorry if it hurts.

Redbear - posted on 11/29/2012

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Not *all* men are pigs; I'm a responsible parent who *wants* to be a part of my kids lives but my ex refuses to allow me to see them!



It's a matter of maturity and a lack of understanding of what it means to be a man in our society and, honestly, a culture where there seems to be a significant lack of the use of the word 'No!'

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Sandra - posted on 12/08/2012

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Because they are lost! You can read my story at www.abovethetrees.ca - as I wrote a childrens book to explain it to my daughter. It is written from the purest part of my heart and it confirms the message for her, that no matter what, she will always be loved and protected and that even though her "daddy is lost, we are still a family". It is about a giraffe who's daddy gets lost in the jungle, never to return. It allows a child to understand that when someone is lost, it is not about them. I believe it has the power to change the way a child views the world and sends a powerful message to all moms, that even though we don't respect when a parent abandons a child, we love our children enough to explain their absence in a nice way. It is beautifully illustrated as well.

www.abovethetrees.ca

Juanita - posted on 12/06/2012

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I think they don't want anything to do with their children because they don't want to except their responsibilities. Also, they haven't grown from a little boy to a real man. See a real man knows to take care and provide for their child whether the child mother and him get along or not, but a boy will say she got it or let her new man help her take care of my child.

[deleted account]

I ask myself the same thing all the time, My son is his fathers first born his father is with someone else and has 2 younger kids hes with them all the time and he never sees my son just pops up when he feels lke it its so wrong

Yvonne - posted on 11/23/2012

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deadbeat vs not ready? It really depends now who you were/are dealing with. There are men out there that just don't do right by their children because they are selfish and not willing to make the sacrifices that mothers naturally make. There are also men that spoke their truths before the children were conceived or were born and we as woman didn't believe or felt they would "come around". Every man is different as are women, I know women that could be classified as the "mother Theresa" of mothers but I also know women who should have CPS called on them and sterilized. I think the world is making this issue worst because of the liberal thinking that everything should go! When really we should be teaching our children that they must respect themselves and their partners.

Lissa - posted on 12/18/2009

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Well I have to say....I think for some people it is easy to walk away, how they live with themselves is beyond my comprehension. But sometimes it is the best that they can do. My son's father has never seen him and my son is 11. When he asked I said he lives far away and we can't see him. He accepts that for now and doesn't really care to talk about it. I will NEVER say anything bad about him to my son because he will understand that all on his own when he is old enough to make that decision. I love my son he is well adjusted and a very good and respectable person and that is all a Mom can ask for. I am proud of who he is and it is unfortunate that the one person that should love him isn't able to. But that being said I will say this...I respect him more for walking away knowing he couldn't be the father my son deserves, than being someone in and out of his life which in my opinion would be what would mess my child up. So for that I am thankful and I can respect that. Maybe someday things will change who knows. I am happy to know I have raised my son to be who he is and am so very proud to say I DID IT ON MY OWN!!!

Peggy - posted on 12/18/2009

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It is because they are still "boys" and will never be MEN! I have 3 children with two "boys" and they have been involved very little in their child's lives.

Latonya - posted on 12/18/2009

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That is a question I'm quite sure millions of women have asked, as well as myself. I don't have the answer to that, all I can say is, We are not responsible for what people do to us, but for what we do to them. Still show him love because he is your child's father, and don't deny him the opportunity to be involved if he wants too, unless it is unsafe for your child, and if he doesn't take the opportunity to do so, in the end, he will be the one with regrets, for missing out on your childs life.

Misty - posted on 12/18/2009

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i hear u i in the same boat it they loss its hard on us but your kid will love u more dew to it good luck

Loretta - posted on 12/17/2009

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They can't handle responsibilities od children without a woman stnding behind them. They only think of theirselves, and that's all. They put everything before their children. And they all should have vasectomies so they can't have anymore to ruin any more children's lives.

Minerva - posted on 12/17/2009

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Well my father has 4 daughters in total and he has never taken care of any of us. He left when I was 1 and my sister was just born. And we've never seen him again. Same happened with my older sister who is 5 years older than me. And my youngest sister who is 15 but I just found out exsisted 6 months ago. & now he has 2 grandchildren & he doesnt want anything to do with them either. But he raised his latest girlfriend's 2 kids.

Michaela - posted on 12/17/2009

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I'm having the same issue. For me it was never a question, I'm carrying this kid and it's mine so I will be there to the end for her. But, you have to look at the fact that it's easier for dads to not care. They don't carry the kid and it's easier for them to turn away considering they don't have that special bond that a mother and her child have. Also, some father's simply aren't ready to be parents and are scared of the tremendous responsibility that comes with a child. Another problem might be that they're use to partying and don't want to give that up to take care of a child. It's a sad thing, but happens more than any of us could know! As soon as I became pregnant, he was out of our lives. It was a simple as that for him. He's also only a year and half older than me and it's a proven fact that women mature faster than men so while he may be physically older, his mental state is more like that of a 16 year old.

Kelli - posted on 12/17/2009

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That is a good question! My sons father was around the whole pregnancy but as soon as he was born he didnt want anything to do with him... he has never even met him!

Terra - posted on 12/17/2009

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some of them just dont care and dont want to take responsibiliy for their actions, most dads that walk out on their children dont want to grow up and step up to the plate. both my babies "dads" have nothing to do with either of them anymore and in my opinion its better that way, there is less stress with them wondering when hes coming back to see them and it makes it easier to move on without them being there for the 3 of us..... sometimes it's better the father not being in the picture at all we women have enough love to give our babies for both mother and father

Erin - posted on 12/16/2009

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my babys father is only there when convienient for him and i totally hate it. Most of the time i feel like i am trying to push him to be a father and he doesnt want to be. He comes first in his life and that is how it will always be.

Amy - posted on 12/16/2009

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I think it is because they are insecure with themselves. Maybe they are in a different relationship trying to make it work and dont want to own up to their responsiblilites as a parent. I have an ex who doesnt want anything to do with our children and its fine with me as long as the kids are happy and continue to thrive and prosper each day. I feel that it's his loss in the end because of his BS he is missing out on his childrens lives. I dont bother with him.....my kids are happy and that is all that counts to me.

[deleted account]

Quoting AMANDA:

deadbeat dads

Why do some men never want to have anything to do w/ their children


 



Some still act like children and many men are very selfish. It is also a commitment issue to them some feel or act like the rest of their life is done no more fun etc. Don't dwell on it just live your life for your children.

Tiffany - posted on 12/16/2009

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i have no clue it just seems so inhumane on how they can just leave their own flesh and blood like that... at first, my babys daddy was saying he was always gonna be there and what not but when i got to the hospital about ready to have him, he didnt wanna come up just because he was too afraid of my parents (i was 17 when i had my baby). He didnt see my son until he was one month old. After that he would ask sometimes to see his son, but would never come over to my house (because of my parents).. I soon gave up on trying to make him my sons father because he would not change at all.. he still drinks excesively, does drugs and what not and is just not in a good environment that i want my son to grow up in.. He also dropped out of school last year and came back again this year but after maybe a month, he dropped out once again.. after that i decided to not talk to him anymore and quit trying.. he hasnt contacted me since. I always thought that my son would need his father in his life, but now i see that it is much better that he is not and even though it will be twice as hard with just me and my family, it is the best for my kid and we can make it through this!

Jessica - posted on 12/16/2009

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I think a lot of it has to do with the way that they were raised. My son's father has never been a part his life. However, his father was never a part of his life and so on. For a long time I hated my son's father because he didn't want to have anything to do with my son. After many years though, I've realized that my son is better without him. He would have done more harm than good in my son's life anyway. What is important is that he has a strong mother that loves and cares about him. He will grow up to learn to take responsibility for his actions and not to abandon what he has created. He will learn to treat a woman and his children with respect and love.

KRISTEN - posted on 12/16/2009

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WHO KNOWS , THEY ARE DEADBEAT THATS WHY . YET IT ONLY MKES US AND OUR BABIES STRONGER .

Candice - posted on 12/16/2009

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Quoting adele:

they are not men they are boys and at the end of the day they are the ones losing out im a single mother off three my twin boys are 11 now at christmas there father walked out on me when he found out i was preganent and has not ever seen the boys i have never stopped him
funny thing is we were together just over 3 years and found out after the boys where born that he had other kids..in total he now has 5 kids to 4 different women and he doesnt have anything to do with any of them he never once told me he had kids and yes i did ask...oh and doesnt pay a penny towards them!!



im in the same situation.. my sons dad left when my son was 2 weeks old..and although i knew he had 1 child prior.. i always heard the line "she wont let me see her, i try, but she wont let me."  now i know he has 4 children my 4 different women.. and he also dont pay any child support..  i dont understand how they get away with it.. my dad paid over 400 a month in child support for me and my brother and that was hard  for him and i cant even get a dime... they should have to be more responsible..

Queen - posted on 12/16/2009

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Wow! I just read all these responses and there's alot of hurting, dissappointment and even hate towards our baby fathers. I have to be honest...I wanted a baby with a man who just was not ready to be a father....let alone a mate to me. I wanted what I wanted and I didn't see his side of the equation. My daughter is 12 years old now and she is such a princess, young lady and a brillant doctor in the making! I chose her father....he didn't chose me! I chose to allow myself to get pregnant...He said he wasn't ready. But I just had such an overwhelming feeling in my soul to give birth to a little girl! Now I have to take care of her on my own. I have an extremely supportive family who loves and spoils her dearly! I didn't get to know my father because he remarried and never really tried to connect with me...and now I see that I've done that to my daughter by choosing a man that didn't want to be a father....or me once I got pregnant. Although he was 36 years old at the time....He knew himself well enough to say....I'm just not ready for all of this. I have reconnected with him 12 years later and he has only sent $100.00. It turns out that he has had a miserable life since I left and any money that he received would just slip through his fingers. He knew it was because he didn't do right by me or his daughter. We had the opportunity to finally resolve hurt feelings and misunderstanding that we both had toward each other. I truly prayed about this for 12 years! Now...he still doesn't pay child support or send money but we do talk from time to time and he does sound like he's remorseful for all that he hasn't done for his daughter. So to answer your question....some men are deadbeat dads simply because they truly were not ready....I learned that if a man tells you what he is about....believe it! Blessings-Queen

Danielle - posted on 12/16/2009

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Jennifer Farmer, I feel you on a lot I'm going through a horrible custody case now and I have go to tell you I would rather him be a dead beat dad then what he is now. Like everyone has said They are boys. We were married a year and a half that whole time he cheated on me wanted to get another chick pregnant while we were still married, accused me of cheating when in fact he was doing all that and I didn't even see it. i see it now all the times he used to tell me I want a divorce every other month or accusing me of cheating and shit. When I was pregnant he denyed that the baby was his the whole year my daughter was her in this fucked up world kept denying her saying she doesn't look anything like me she's not mine I want a dna test done, Well when we got to court in jan of last year the judged ordered that test and when that test came back that he was the father I laughed in his face. I mean how can you do that to such a precious baby that didn't even do anything just wants to be loved and taking care off. I really hate men they are all worthless to me and now I can't trust a single guy now... It sucks b/c I'm afraid I'm going to be alone forever and I want to get custody of my daughter and let that asshole fight for her when I do get her

Jennifer - posted on 12/16/2009

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mine is a dead beat dad.. he kicked me out 8 months pregnaunt denying Aden then when the tests came back he is the dad he wants custody of him now.. he doesnt pay childsupport or help me out with him.. i wish he would just fall off the faces of the earth... im a young single mother n this is my first child... Aden is my world..

[deleted account]

Its also the same reason they didn't stick around to be real fathers in the first place...Their first priority is themselves.

[deleted account]

SELFISH. That about sums it up. Mine stays with his parents, picks up the child, then locks himself in his room for the weekend to play video games while my son runs his grandparents ragged.

Heather - posted on 12/16/2009

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Some" men" are to selfish. They like the idea of being a father, byt don't want the work that goes with it. They figure once they get you pregnant, they're done. It's very sad.
I have gone through it twice now, and it sucks. I have 4 kids, 3 with my first husband, and one with my second. The first one and I split and a month later I found out I was having my daughter. At that piont my 2 boys were only 3 and 5 months. He saw them a hand full of times after that. When my daughter was born, he never showed up to court for the custody hearing. A year later he desided he wanted to see the kids again. That lasted for 4 visits. They don't know who he is,he's never sent them a card or made a phone call. My oldest son is the only one that has any memory of him, and that is very little.
I thought when My 2nd husband and I got togethr it was great. the kids loved him, he loved the kids. As far as they were concerned, he was their father. We had a son together, and he had a daughter from a past girlfriend. We were together for 8 years. But I noticed that I was doing everything, while he went out with friends. Then he moved out to "work on anger managment issues" which he did need. Problem is, it was all a lie. I found out that he was screwing around and moved in with the girl! He was bringing her with him for everything he did with the kids! He saw them a few times a week at first,then it was less and less. We split a year ago,and he hasn't seen the kids in over 2 months now. He just called to see when he could have them for christmas,so he can give them stuff. He's at the point now where he only wants them for "the fun stuff".
It's hard because it does hurt the kids. But here is the upside. Kids bounce back pretty fast. They also form their own opinions fast. You wont need to tell them what kind of person their dad is, they will know. And as they grow up, they will remember who was always their for them. So even if he does come around, they will know who really loves and cares for them.
Also, if they aren't around, you don't have to worry about them. You do what you want with your child, go where you want with them. You don't have to deal with figureing out visitation schedules. Planing your life around when they feel like playing daddy.
And you will find a real man! They are out there. And when you do, he will love you and your kids! He will treat them like his own, and they will love him for that! And they will be happy, because you are happy.
I know even after everything that I have gone through, and am still going through that it is possable. I never thought it was, but it will find you when you are not looking for it.
Keep your head up and enjoy your little one! They are all that matters! He is the one that is missing out on the greatest gift in the world! And when everything is said and done, you can look back and say "I did that"! Good luck!

[deleted account]

I feel ya! My son is 14 and hasn't seen his "dad" in almost 4 years. I told his "dad" that he misses him and wants to spend time with him and he could care less! Men are pigs! I just don't understand how you wouldn't want to be with your child as much as you could! I don't know what I would do if I could see my boys! My oldest is turning 17 in a few weeks and I am so scared of that day that he moves away!!!

Julia - posted on 12/15/2009

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Some men just don't care. No one wants to just admit this and put it out there.Some men are selfish and only care about themselves. Other men, just don't know how. It's a lame excuse, but a valid one. To be completely honest, I have more respect for the men who just walk away then those who refuse to walk away and hang around just enough to disappoint that child.

Danielle - posted on 12/15/2009

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my ex begged me to get preg he was in full time job parents loaded he was 25 i was 21 we had nice home and cars it was perfect! took 2 years to get preg finally in dec 07 i was preg he was happy! then at scan at 8 weeks he was busy never came! he wanted a boy i gave him a boy i let him pick name rhys it was perfect then at 21 weeks preg i saw him smoking herion my heart broke he was a junkie i never new! i never noticed i ignored it but enuf was enuf i threw him out determined to go it alone! as my birth loomed i felt guilty that he wudnt be at birth i could never go bk and fix it so i rang him and asked him to come! he was there thru whole thing! saw his baby be born then left to get his fix! i moved into new home and started a fresh i told him i need money he never gave me a penny he did drive me asda to get nappy with my money which helped as i didnt struggle on bus! but the visits got less and less his family visisted less and less too! nothing i can do! absulutly nothing! hes so perfect i cant be away for more than few hours as my heart pounds for him yet his dad goes 4 weeks! im dreading it when my son askes for him! n i say hes not coming! and watch him cry!i wish men loved there kids like we do! i wish id been clever spotted the signs! but u split with an ex u split with there family aswell! but u gota make a chose keep em away start a fresh forget they exists! the pain goes after a while! i always wanted to be a happy family and feel guilty that it never happnd but i did nothing wrong! i no that now! so heads up ladies! it will get better! hopefully there will be pills to give deadbeat dads that kick in there maternal instincs!! x

Jill - posted on 12/15/2009

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Quoting AMANDA:


Why do some men never want to have anything to do w/ their children



Amanda- I know what you are going though! The father of my kids walked away from them almost 6 month ago. I should have seen it coming because he stopped paying child support in march. But now that I do think of it we wont argue over whos weekend it is or anything like that. He is a boy.



He did get a second girls knocked up and I feel sorry for her because I know that he is going to do the same thing that he did to me as he did to her.

Joan - posted on 12/14/2009

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Both! My daughter was content just spending time w/her dad even if it was just sitting on the sofa watching TV. Mothers tend to be the nuturers.

Hazelynn - posted on 12/14/2009

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I am still deciding whether or not it is the lack of skills or just laziness... Although I am leaning toward laziness. everytime I ask my daughter what she and her father did . Its I watched a movie and Daddy took a nap. If he is not going to interact with her I dont understand why he takes her. Unfortunately I have stop getting frustrated about it and just make sure that the time that she spends with me is quality time. You cant make someone want to be a good parent they have to want it for themselves.

Joan - posted on 12/14/2009

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Because they have no conscience! I'm dealing w/one myself. We have a strong bond w/our kids because we gave birth to them.

Adele - posted on 12/14/2009

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they are not men they are boys and at the end of the day they are the ones losing out im a single mother off three my twin boys are 11 now at christmas there father walked out on me when he found out i was preganent and has not ever seen the boys i have never stopped him
funny thing is we were together just over 3 years and found out after the boys where born that he had other kids..in total he now has 5 kids to 4 different women and he doesnt have anything to do with any of them he never once told me he had kids and yes i did ask...oh and doesnt pay a penny towards them!!

Eilis - posted on 12/14/2009

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trust me its worse when they want to do stuff with them but dont know the basics and refuse to learn and the kid ends up suffering. my daughters dad wont change her nappy often enough and she constantly gets nappy rash

Tanya - posted on 12/13/2009

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You will get through I did i went through the same thing when me child was young you get through and you become stronger and more careful with the next guy.

Tanya - posted on 12/13/2009

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Most men think they are hurting the woman by not spending time with their children.They dont realize until its to late that they missed out.

Sandy - posted on 12/13/2009

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Nothing I hear on this subject is suprising at all.. My ex seemed to forget he had kids shortly after we split up. When I would beg him for financial help to help me take care of the kids he actually told me that I needed to learn how to manage money better and that I should get a second full time job if I couldnt make it on my salary.
It was really hard but I did make it after loosing my house because he wouldnt help me but my kids know who took care of them and was there for them no matter what...

Wanda - posted on 12/13/2009

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That is not surprising. It seems the only time they want anything to do with the children is when they think it is going to hurt the other parent. Right now my ex is forcing a 16 year old to go for visitation and will even call the cops to force the issue. Makes my son really mad because of course then he goes because he knows that if he does not then I could end up in contempt of court and he does not want that.

Andrea - posted on 12/13/2009

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I agree with others that they are just boys if they can not be a father to their children. I have a 3 year old daughter and have struggled with it on why. Is it my fault? That is how it makes me feel. I recently was engaged and my daughter looked up to him as a father figure and then he left now she is even more confused. How do I get through this?

[deleted account]

Because they werent raised with responsibility when they were young....I had a child with a man in 2006. This was his first girl now he says oh I cannot do anything with her I was like what but then when I try to approach his mother she says oh. Can there be a such thing a dead beat grandma. She running the streets and neglecting her grandkids wow

AMANDA - posted on 12/12/2009

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Quoting AMANDA:

deadbeat dads

Why do some men never want to have anything to do w/ their children


 

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