Different surname than my child

Livingright - posted on 05/13/2012

How can I protect my daughter?
Church people, including the leaders will try to use the different name issue to hurt my daughter/ and my family.
My daughter has her fathers last name. I was on my own a long time and
I re-married, but tragically it ended. So I tried to return to my maiden name, and my daughter's last name, which I can no longer use legally.

Since my last name is different, church people will bring it up to be inquisitive-or rude.
It is truly embarrassing and humiliating when someone in our church asks her or me why she has different last name, and then will ask me if I am Mrs. X or Mrs. R, or was I ever married to her father.
They will do this in front of her. Their mission is to make me feel like I am not Christian-because I have been married more than once. I am not sure how to diplomatically handle this type of ridicule.

My wish is to protect my daughter from the shame they are trying to impose on me. I don't care what they do to me. I am infuriated with what they are putting her through. Has anyone ever dealt with this and how did you address the matter?

When I enter the room some of the ladies are whispering about us. It is very obvious.
I want to raise my daughter in church, as I was, but this situation is not healthy for her
or me.
I am a good person. My life was a rollercoaster--especially in marriage and romance.
I've been hurt so badly from believing in love and being betrayed. The best part of my life
is my daughter. If this situation causes her lifetime pain, it is so unfair that people form
their opinions and fail to see that it is not just bothering me, it is causing my daughter
to feel self-conscious-and lose her faith/and self-confidence.
If you think you can share ways to deal with toxic gossip like this please help us.

Donna - posted on 05/11/2012

My daughter who is 4 is now getting upset because we have different surnames, she has her fathers surname, i knew i shouldn't of done it at the time, but agreed to avoid an argument, so to speak. He will not agree to me changing her surname to mine, even though she says her name is same as mine, i do not wanting her getting confused, can she be known as my surname, with schools, drs etc? Will they accept that or not? To do it by deed poll u need his permission and he won't agree even though he is on birth certificate and that can't be changed. She doesn't even know her "real" surname, as far as she's concerned her surname is my surname.

Stephanie - posted on 03/26/2009

My daughter and I have different last names - she has her father's and I have my maiden name.  I gave her the same name as her father thinking we would get married in the future.  Now I wish she had mine.  On the other hand she is happy with her name and her dad is part of her life. 

Best of luck!

Jacquelyn - posted on 03/26/2009

My son has his Father's last name. I wanted to hypenate it with mine and his fathers but my ex whould not hear of it (needless to say we dont have the best relationship) But i think you should do what you think is best for you and her. I just think hyphenating her name would be the easiest, it will still give her your name and his name and as she grows up it wont be confusing, you can just tell her you wanted her to have both your last names because you love her so much.

Sherry - posted on 03/26/2009

My daughter has the same last name as her father.I am regretting every bit about it now!! I tried to change it a few years ago but you had to send a registered letter to the other parent and he denied it! I have not seen her father since the day she was born and after we both signed the birth cert.

Amanda - posted on 03/26/2009

my son has his fathers last name im pregnant with our second child (broke up before i found out i was pregnant) and im probebly giving my baby it's fathers name as well. part of the reason is because my last name isn't mine its my brothers fathers and also because it is much easier to spell Graves then Westergaard. i also think it's important for my kids to have some sort of link to their father even if he is hardly around.

Melissa - posted on 03/24/2009

I have a different surname than both my children and they have different surnames from each other. I always wish I could have hyphenated mine into it, so we all could have a name connection. So if you have the chance I would definitely do it!

Kara - posted on 03/24/2009

I gave my daughter my surname and hyphenated it with her father's.

It saved me on an international flight once. The woman in front of me had a different surname and her daughter's father had to fax a notarized letter to the airport/airline in order for her to get on the flight with her child. I did not have that problem because of the last name I gave my daughter. I wouldnt have thought twice about it.

Jacqueline - posted on 03/24/2009

i gave my son MY surname - not the norm but its what i felt was best for him and he can take his fathers later on when he is older at his choice.

Lily - posted on 03/24/2009

I hyphenated my sons last name. I was still with my sons father when he was born and wanted him to have both of our last names since we collaborated on his creation. It's the new millenium, you can do what ever you want, within reason of course!

Amanda - posted on 03/24/2009

Hi Christie, I know how you are feeling I am struggling with the same thing. My situation is a little different though. I was with my sons father before and after he waas born, in fact he was in our lives until my son was 2 years old. He has now moved back to his home town and doesn't see our son at all. He does call when he gets the chance and talks to Jesse, but I'm not sure that Jesse knows who it is on the other end, cause sometimes he calls him paw paw which is my dad. I found out that after his dad was gone that he wasn't even on Jesses birth certificate. I found out that he never signed the avidavit at the hospital that would have put him on the birth certificate. I had already given my son his last name of Davis not knowing that he wasn't on the birth certificate, if i had known I would have probably given him my last name. But since i have already given him his dads last name and I have been using it and teaching it to my son I have just decided to keep it that away. I have found that it is just easier to tell everyone that we have different last names and that his father and I are not married. I think that in todays society it really doesn't make a difference what your last name is. I hope that you can find peace of mind in all of this. good luck.

Sandra - posted on 03/24/2009

I am goign through the exact same thing right now.  I have a 2 year old who has his father's last name.  I am now pregnant with another baby who has the same father but he is no longer around.  He was when my son was born and the assumption was that we would be together so he has his last name and his name is on his birth certificate.  I'm having trouble deciding what name to give my daughter when she is born, because I don't want her to have her father's last name, but I also don't want my son to have a last name different from everyone else in his life.  I'm considering changing my son's last name but I'm not sure what is involved in that and right now the father is not around but I have a feeling if I try to do that he's going to fight me even though he has nothing to do with us.  I wish you luck in your decision because I know I am really struggling with this.

Gladys - posted on 03/12/2009

 I felt ashamed but I soon got over it. Two children with different last names. What's so bad about that. Things are different now. Good luck with the road you chose.

Claire - posted on 03/12/2009

Mine is a complicated one. My sperm donor was a brief whoops on my part after leaving my husband and i did not want Jaime to have anything to do with the SD and wanted him to have my name. My name is still legally my ex husbands - so my son got the same, even though he's of no relation to my ex husband!

Holly - posted on 03/12/2009

My son is now 15 will be 16 in August I was 15 when he was born and was still with his father when he was born so he has his last name Johnston, His dad left when he was 3 months old a never came back. I have since married and changed from my maiden name. I wish my son would have at least had my maiden name so he had a name to fit in with. My maiden name Jackson. At least he would have had their name instead of a name of no one he knows. Like he would associate with my dad's name and cousins. Now it's just him with a name he doesn't associate with anyone but himself. I wish I could afford to change it.  But hyphenating will be harder in school for her. But as long as she knows someone has her name it's not the same and if you get married it will change from hers no matter what?  You'll always be mommy though even if another woman takes your ex's name kids even my teenager don't really think past first names anyway. goodluck!

Christy - posted on 03/12/2009

Quoting Christy:

Quoting Natalie:

Do not....I repeat...Do Not hyphenate Christy. I hyphenated, now divorced with a teenager...and looking back, I should have just taken his name, no matter how yucky our divorce was, I'm happy just using one name, and I usually do...just don't hyphenate...think credit cards, bank info, phone book, everywhere your name is, it's good one or the other. Capiche? I regret the hole long ... even it's simple like smith-bob...every time you apply for a new job, book a flight...it's a pain spelling-hyphen-spelling. Be my friend Christy...don't do it! One or the other...either way, it's your name.

 Hey Natalie-To clarify-it's not me that wants to change my last name...I have my maiden name, the same one I have always had. It is my daughter's lastname i want to change as it just has his last name and not mine. This would mean we would always have different names and if he went on to marry, her new step-mom would have the same last name as her, and I wouldn't. The decision is to hyphen her last name, or leave her with her father's surname, considering I have a different last name.

Christy - posted on 03/12/2009

Quoting Natalie:

Do not....I repeat...Do Not hyphenate Christy. I hyphenated, now divorced with a teenager...and looking back, I should have just taken his name, no matter how yucky our divorce was, I'm happy just using one name, and I usually do...just don't hyphenate...think credit cards, bank info, phone book, everywhere your name is, it's good one or the other. Capiche? I regret the hole long ... even it's simple like smith-bob...every time you apply for a new job, book a flight...it's a pain spelling-hyphen-spelling. Be my friend Christy...don't do it! One or the other...either way, it's your name.

Misty - posted on 03/10/2009

We were together when Taylor was born, so I gave her his last name bc there was no indication of seperation.  BUT when we did seperate and he remarried, it became very difficult because my then 5 year old kept asking me why she had the same last name as daddy's wife but she wasn't her mommy.  It was heartwrenching and given the chance to do it over, I would have given her my last name, which btw, is my mother's maiden name, not my fathers name!!! And I was not the least bit affected by it!

Natalie - posted on 03/10/2009

Do not....I repeat...Do Not hyphenate Christy. I hyphenated, now divorced with a teenager...and looking back, I should have just taken his name, no matter how yucky our divorce was, I'm happy just using one name, and I usually do...just don't hyphenate...think credit cards, bank info, phone book, everywhere your name is, it's good one or the other. Capiche? I regret the hole long ... even it's simple like smith-bob...every time you apply for a new job, book a flight...it's a pain spelling-hyphen-spelling. Be my friend Christy...don't do it! One or the other...either way, it's your name.

Christy - posted on 03/10/2009

Thanks for the feedback. Her father and I were together when she was born, so we gave her his last name. However, it was with the plan that we would be married and I would soon drop my maiden name and have his, so mine would be the same as hers. Since we have broken up, she still has his last name, but my last name is different. He is very involved, so I couldn't take his name away-it is up to me to just be ok with her and I having different last names, or hyphenating hers so she has mine as well.

Jilian - posted on 03/10/2009

My son has a hyphenated last name, because i feel it is only fair that he share my name as well. When he is older if he wishes to drop a name that is fine, but it is his decision. It is also good for school i didn't want him to have a different last name from me.

Deanna - posted on 03/10/2009

I have a different last name that my child... I carry my ex husband's last name and my daughter carries my maiden name. My baby's sperm donor has never been in her life so I figured why give her his last name? I do, however, plan on changing my last name at some point in time cause it causes way too much confusion for a lot of people. And someday I'd like to have the same last name as my daughter.

Tammy - posted on 03/10/2009

I have 3 children with my 1st hubby, got reamrried and had one by my second, when we got divorced I kept his last name cause it was just easier.  I now have a 5th child with my fiancee and he hated being called by my ex's alst name when we went to Ob appts cause they just assumed we were married.  My kids friends call me Mrs. whatever the childs last name is.  It can be confusing but i don't mind a last name is not that important to me.

Antonia - posted on 03/10/2009

I haven't been with my sons father since before he was born. I was going to hyphenate our 2 surnames, but ended up not wanting my son to ask why his name was different if his dad ended up out of his life. I instead gave my son 2 middle names, one of which is his fathers middle name, so that there is still a link in their names.

For me, giving my son his fathers surname would be an insult to all of the hardwork I have put into my little boy, and all of the love and support I give him, when his father does not

Deanna - posted on 03/10/2009

B and I have different surnames as well. I was still with his father when he was born, so I have him my maiden name as his first name. It's been a little confusing since I went back to my maiden name, but only because people get his names in the wrong order (they think Borden is his last name). Having different last names hasn't been an issue. The only advice I can offer it to do what feels right for you. Only you can decide that.

Teresa - posted on 03/10/2009

in my household we have 3 different surnames, my oldest 2 have my ex husbands name, my youngest 2 also have their dads name, so far it hasnt caused any problems other than people assuming thy all have the same name, which is understanable i suppose

Emily - posted on 03/10/2009

Hi Christy, My little boy has his fathers surname too, me and his father have not been together since before he was born but I felt that having his name would be a link for them. I personally wont be taking his name is taking away from why I gave my son his surname. Also I dont have a good relationship with his father and taking his name would be an insult to me and my family who have been there. But whatever you feel comfortable doing is what you should do. Having a different name will not make your daughter love you any less.

Sarah - posted on 03/10/2009

Hi Christy, both of my children have there fathers surname and have done rite form the start.

we never married and have split up but i felt it was important for them to carry his name, in today's society of un-married parents it's not frowned upon like it was years ago.

If that is what you wish to do then nobody else should change your mind but i do like the idea of hyphenating her name.

Well whatever you decide i wish you and your little girl all the best of health and keep hold of all those fun memories of her growing up because like mine who are teenagers it's there before you realise , take care.