Do i forece him to pay child support? Needing Guidance...

Lisa - posted on 12/12/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hello every one, my name is Lisa Marie, I'm 17, in college, working, and a mom. I've never been the average teen i have studied hard and only hung out with the people who i knew wouldn't get me into trouble, though asked a lot i never went to partys, i dated a guy named Trevor for over a year, i found out i was 5 months pregnant after we had broken up, we When i told him i was pregnant he told me to get an abortion, of course i said no, then i was told that if i didn't get the abortion he would find away to take my son from me and give him up for adoption,(WITH OUT my consent) My son is now 6 months old and has never seen or met his dad. Trevor wants nothing to do with his son, when i gave birth to my son i did not put Trevor's name on the birth certificate so that i could insure my sons safety. For the last few months MY father is been telling me i need to talk to a lawyer and let Trevor have suppervised visitations and force him to pay child support. I'm really struggling financily and i want to provide a good life for my son but with part time school and a full time low paying job, i still come out broke at the end of each check. My question to every one is Should i force Trevor to take the paternity test and Own up to his responsibilities as a father? I have no feelings for Trevor except hatred because of the things he did to me while i was pregnant. But if i don't have him help then do i let my son suffer for my choices? I just want the best for my little boy and i don't want to hurt him in any way. what is the Right thing to do here? and if i chose to continue letting Trevor out of his responsibilities as a father how do i tell my son the truth about his father when he asks where he is or why he doesn't have one with out making my little boy feel like its his fault??? I honestly just don't know what to do. please. i just need some guidance.

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Theresa - posted on 12/15/2009

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Lisa. hi my name is Theresa and am in a similiar spot as you, except i am ALOT older... lol! The father of my now 3 mo son said some similiar horrible things. He wants nothing to do with mikhail ( and he is already a father of 3 children which he has full custody of all 3). I have made the decsion that it is in Mikhails' best interest for me to receive child support, because he should not have to struggle or be more of a victim than he already is. He already will have so much going against him having a single mom whom makes little money (even though I do have degree I am in a low paying field). So why make him suffer more. I have also written down all information I have about Dan so that in the future if Mikhail chooses to look for his father he will have some info. to go on. i have also decided to never bash his father but will be truthful! I wish you the best I know first hand how hard it is to be a truly single mom and the feelings of true hurt that go along with the man totally turning his back on you and your beautiful child whom you could never even imagine hurting in any manner. Bless you!

Ann - posted on 12/14/2009

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Is the guy someone who would be a good role model for your child? Is he someone you want to share your child with? If the answer is no... leave it be.

La'Keveya - posted on 12/14/2009

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H3LL0!! IM A 18 Y3AR 0LD SINGL3 M0M THATS G03S T0 C0LL3G3 FULL TIM3!! MY S0N'S "FATH3R" HAS N0THING T0 D0 WITH HIM AND HASNT F0R 3 Y3ARS!! I FINALLY PUT HIM 0N CHILD SUPP0RT BUT H3 D03SNT PAY IT!! TH3 SYST3M ISNT F0RCING HIM T0 PAY 3ITH3R!! I HAV3 T0 TAK3 CAR3 0F MY S0N BY MYS3LF (WITH TH3 H3LP 0F MY PAR3NTS)!! IF TR3V0R D03SNT WANT T0 D0 ANYTHIN G F0R HIS S0N TH3N H3 ISNT WH3TH3R Y0U F0RC3 IT 0R N0T!! TAK3 CAR3 0F Y0UR S0N AND PR0V3 T0 HIM THAT Y0U D0NT N33D HIM AND THAT Y0UR S0N WILL HAV3 A P3RF3CTLY G00D LIF3 WITH0UT HIM!! WH3N ITS TIM3 T0 T3LL Y0UR S0N AB0UT HIM...T3LL TH3 TRUTH!! T3LL HIM Y0U MAD3 S0M3 BAD D3CISI0NS AND ITS Y0UR FAULT S0 THAT H3 W0NT THINK THAT ITS HIS FAULT THAT HIS DAD ISNT PR3S3NT!!! FINISH SCH00L S0 THAT Y0U WILL HAV3 A CAR33R T0 TAK3 CAR3 0F Y0UR S0N INST3AD 0F JUST A L0W PAYING J0B!! K33P Y0UR H3AD UP H0N3Y!!! Y0U AND Y0UR S0N WILL MAK3 IT WITH0UT TR3V0R!! R3M3MB3R WHAT G03S AR0UND C0M3S AR0UND...S0 TR3V0R WILL D3FINIT3LY R3AP WHAT H3 IS S0WING!!!

Wanda - posted on 12/13/2009

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Depending on the state you live in you can collect child support and not have to allow any type of visitation. You would need to contact the child support office in your area and they can give you the information. You can also so online to get information. Good Luck.

[deleted account]

Lisa,

No, don't do the paternity test. It will automatically give him parental rights when it shows he is the father.

Also, if you force him to pay child support he will then get you back by hurting you through your child. This is destructive to the child and will make you miserable for the next 18+ years.

Some men just have not got the maturity to deal with responsibility until they are much older. Sadly, some men never reach the maturity needed to be a parent.

My daughter's father is a prime example. He was 30 when she was born. She is now 17 and he is 47. He is still off having too much fun to be a father. He has never even had the decency to stop by and introduce himself to her.

Here is the up-side: He has never had the opportunity to mess up our lives. There is no conflict between parents to stress out the child. There is no heartbreak when dad doesn't show up to see the child performing in the Christmas pageant at school or church. There is no disappointment when dad doesn't show up for his weekly visit.

This sounds really negative, but if he doesn't want to be a part of the child's life, let it go. If you try to force him to be a part of the child's life, he will react in a negative manner and this will cause more damage than his absence. Some day he will realize what a mistake he made and have to explain it to his son or daughter.

My daughter is 17 and has never met her father. She knows that it is his decision. However, something very important to remember is to NOT slam his character. Your child will decide how to feel about the absent father.

I used to wait until she asked about him and then would only answer the question she asked with a very simple answer. By the time she was in 5th and 6th grade, she would sometimes be mad at him for not being around. Sometimes now she is also mad at him for not being around.

I have told my daughter that when she is out of high school and preferably out of college as well, that I would help her look him up so she can meet him if she would like. In the meantime, however, we will just have to respect his decision to not be a part of the family.

Yes, it is hard to accept. Yes, it creates financial struggles because he has never ever paid a dime in child support. However, it also creates a peacefulness because he is not around to create a stressful home environment or demonstrate destructive behavior by being forced into a situation that he doesn't want to be a part of.

Well, I know that this answer may not be what you want to hear, but take it from my 17 years of experience that sometimes it is best to let go now and let him answer for his absence to his child when they are grown.

Latasha - posted on 12/12/2009

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Hi Lisa, I don't know what state you live in but I know here in the state of Illinois as long as you're a good mom and the court system finds you fit Trevor will not be allowed to take your son from you. As for child support I do feel like you should pursue it and let the courts force him to pay. The court will offer a paternity test to determine that he is the father so you don't have to worry about that. Now that may or may not make Trevor want to have a relationship with his son but if it doesn't just know as a single parent myself, I can honestly say your son will be alright. It's very good to have the father present in the child's life but sometimes a guy being around doesn't make him a good dad and can actually do more harm than good because if Trevor doesn't want to be bothered especially after he has had a chance to meet your precious gift from God, then he won't put his best foot forward as a father. Just know that whether Trevor step up and be responsible or not, this situation will be motivation for you to keep moving forward and believe me you are and will continue to be a good mother and provide for your son. I have had plenty of times when I feel like every time I get a dime it's gone and I'm broke but what gives me a sense of relief is knowing that my kids are taken care of, we're not homeless, and we have food to eat. So me being broke isn't all that bad because the necessary needs are met. Your son will not suffer if Trevor isn't around because he has you and as long as you stay strong and show him the two of you can do it without Trevor then he'll be alright. Yes, he's going to ask questions and wonder where's his dad especially when he gets old enough to notice his friends have dads and he doesn't but that's when you be honest with him (DO NOT LIE TO YOUR SON ABOUT HIS DAD) and let him know TREVOR CHOSE not to be a part of his life and that it's not your fault or his fault. Let him know that it's a mistake on Trevor's part. The biggest mistake that a lot of single mothers make is lying to their children because once the child is old enough to seek out their father, oh, you can believe they will. If they find the guy and he tell them something different and they find out the guy just didn't want to be bother then it will hurt them ten times worse and they will sometimes resent their mother for lying to them in the first place. It can also make it seems as though you are taking up for the guy or condoning his behavior or lack of parenting. Take Trevor to court, let your son stay your main focus, and continue on with school and believe me you and your baby will be alright. You're doing all the right things so just keep up the good work because it will pay off. Remember that school is the key to success for you and your son.

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