Do you think it is ok for your child to call their step-parent mom or dad?

Mel - posted on 07/15/2009 ( 342 moms have responded )

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I was reading the step-mom's conversations and they asked about their step child calling them mom. Mostly all that commented on it and thought it was completely ok because their step-child has two moms whether the bio mom likes it or not.



I personally think it is unacceptable for my child to call another woman mom or anything along those lines. It is only ok in situation where the mom is not involved. That being said I would never attempt to have my child call my future husband (whomever he may be) dad.



So that being said what should a step-mom be called. I think they should be called by their first name no matter the child's age. My ex feels that it is disrespectful for a child to call an adult by their first name and his wife should be called by some other name.



What do ya'll think?

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Eneida - posted on 07/20/2009

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You know-The reason children have step parents is because of an adult issue. The problems are the adult's problems. Let the child do what is comfortable for him/her.. While it made my blood boil to have my daughter call the woman my ex cheated on me with 'Mom", it was my issue not hers. I hate that we put the outcomes of our decisions on our children!

Kris - posted on 12/08/2012

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Of course it is. Just because they call someone else mom or dad, doesn't mean they don't know who their real parents are. I know it's a little different, but all my friends called my mother "mom", because they felt so comfortable with her. They would even talk to her about things they couldn't with their own parents.



Calling your step-parents mom or dad, doesn't mean they love their real parents any less. It just means that they consider them to be their parents also. I didn't call my sdad dad, because he wasn't much of a father. He was a total "cuss-cuss", and we didn't get along. I don't think it's right to tell a child what they should call their step parents. I think it should be up to them what they call them. If the child is young, they will think they have 2 mommies, and 2 daddies. Being a step parent doesn't mean you're not their mom/dad. A parent is a parent, whether is by marriage or blood. All that matters is that they treat the child well, and raise them to be a good person.



My mom had a friend who was raising her niece, and she knew who her real mother was, and who her biological mother was. Her aunt was her real mother, because she took care of her, loved her, and taught her what she needed to know. Her biological mother wasn't a very good person. That being said, having a child by blood doesn't make you their real parent. It only makes you the incubator/sperm donor.



If the step parent is uncomfortable with being called mom/dad, then they should be the ones to tell the child to call them something else. I know it can hurt to hear your child call someone else mommy/daddy, but wouldn't it also hurt the child if they couldn't call someone by something that shows love and respect? You can express how you feel about it, but shouldn't try to influence the child.



And I don't think it's disrespectful to call a step parent by their name. If a child is forced to call someone by a name they don't want to, it could turn into resentment, and when they reach those teen years where they start acting out, it can be a big messy battle, if not a war. I called my sdad by his name because I didn't like him nor respect him. But just because other kids do it, doesn't mean they respect or like their step parent any less.



If I ever became a step parent, I think it would depend on how I knew the kid(s) felt about me, and how comfortable they would be calling me mom or by my name. But I would also take into consideration the bio mom's feelings. If she felt incredibly bad, then I would come up with a compromise that would be more comfortable with everyone. After all, one of the major things we try to teach our children is how to compromise.

Jamie - posted on 07/19/2009

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I feel that it should be up to the child to decide if they want to call their step-parent mom or dad. I am currently engaged to a wonderful man and when we get married he plans on adopting my sons. They call him Daddy sometimes and sometimes they call him by his name. Their father is not involved and has already agreed to sign over his rights. So, with that being said, I feel that if my children are comfortable and that will by all means be their father then they have every right to call him Daddy. Now, by no means did I ever tell them that they had to call him that, as a matter of fact I corrected them for a certain period of time. At that point I realized that when I corrected them they would say 'my daddy' even more. It is something that they have chosen and are comfortable with. Now, I can see it from the other side too. I have an older son who currently lives with his father and step-mother. He does occasionally call her mom. Of course at first I did not like it. However, she is by all means his day-to-day mother. (We live 14 hrs apart) He knows that I am Mommy but if he feels like calling her mom then that is fine with me. I know that she can and will never replace me. I appreciate that she is taking such good care of my son that he feels that way. I think that every situation is unique to that family and the children's best interests should be all that matters.

Judy - posted on 11/17/2012

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I think it's up to the child. Whatever the child feels comfortable with. You can't force relationships if the child wants to have a pet name for a step parent or call them by their first name it's ok. Remember its not about what we think, it's about making an uncomfortable situation more comfortable for the child. As long as the child shows respect for all parents it's all good. My step- daughter calls me Juddles I've never made her call me mom but when she introduces me sometimes she says this is my mom Judy. And it's ok, the child's feeling are paramount in this situation. They will eventually sort out feelings for each parent according to how they are treated. Those who consider the children first will be respected on a higher level in the long run.

Dawn - posted on 11/28/2012

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Just a little reminder about internet "etiquette" - typing in all caps is considered SHOUTING, and people will tune you out quickly. I'm sure that's not anyone's intent.



Everyone is entitled to their opinion on this subject, and everybody's situation is different. Nobody can say that what works for them (or *didn't* work for them, as the case may be) is the right answer for somebody else. Only the people involved can answer that question. It's interesting to see how vehemently some bio moms feel about the subject just because they gave birth. (It's known as the "Golden Uterus Syndrome" - everyone is supposed to kowtow to the mother just because she gave birth, whether or not she's actually a good MOM or not.) The act of giving birth makes you a mother. Raising the child (which is done by BOTH the bio mom and the stepmom, if the child is lucky) makes you a mom - it has absolutely nothing to do with who gave birth or whether or not the bio mom is in the picture.



I think if we were all a little more respectful of what each does for the kids, the kids would all benefit. How are the children going to learn to "respect their elders" when we as parents are disrespecting the other parents in the child's life? Whether or not a marriage was broken up by an affair, that has nothing to do with the relationship between the child and the new stepparent either - the feelings of the "wounded" parent should be kept separate from the feelings of the child, which many people have problems with. Whether or not a stepmom WANTS to be called mom, she doesn't have the right to force the child to do so, any more than the bio mom has the right to force the child NOT to. The relationship between the stepmom and the child contains two people, and those are only ones who really have a say.



It just seems like there's a lot of squawking about "they need to respect MY feelings and MY role as the MOTHER," rather than thinking about what's actually best for the child. I think it's important for everybody involved in a situation like this to seriously evaluate WHY they feel the way they do, and whether it's coming from a place of selfishness or whether they are truly thinking about what's best for the child.

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Kathy - posted on 03/26/2014

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My friend growing up called her step dad by his first name as she had a dad already! Sms could be given a nickname if the first name seems too formal -- but i bet dads hate hearing their child calling some one else dad!

FREDA - posted on 03/09/2014

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I have a granddaughter and stepdad makes her call her dad, her dad don't want him to call him dad but her mother makes her, but she don't want her to call my son wife mom, and her step dad make her do things like setup all the time and take thing from her that her dad family buy her not aloud to call and talk to dad family not her dad wife she gets the phone take from her if does she can't call me. Her grandmother she tell us that he mean to her make her go to bed when 8month baby goes bed at 6 and he make stay in her room all the time when come see her or he have stand right their when she talk to us

Fire And Ice - posted on 12/06/2013

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Honestly, I believe this is a matter for BM and BD to figure out between the two of them first. It should be a decision of mutual respect for the OPs wishes and feelings as to what a stepparent is called. If the stepparent does not wish for the SKs to call him/her "mom" or "dad", then arranging a special name is acceptable. I think of what a student I taught called his stepdad - "chachi". It was just something he decided was a good nickname. I've heard of children saying "mommy b" short for mommy brianna and mommy for mom. I've heard of children calling their stepparent, whom they live with by their first name from the time they're toddlers until grown adults.
It all depends on each parent and stepparent as to how it is handled. When BM told my SKs that she did not like them calling me "mom" I told them they needed to respect her wishes because she is MOM. They decided that making her happy and showing respect was best.

IrishGirl - posted on 12/01/2013

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I totally agree with you Jessica. I have been raising my Step son since he was 1 year old. He chose all on his own to call me Mama. His mother has tried to train him differently, I have told him to stop if it hurts his Mom. He is 6 years old now and he has told me himself that he LIKES to call me Mama and he actually cries if I tell him not to. I will not have my kids call me different things. He knows who birthed him thanks to me explaining it to him. I don't feel guilty about it at all. The only difference between his mom and I is that she gave birth to him. I feed him, clothe him, house him, potty-trained him, and take excellent care of him. She should be and sometimes IS grateful... but other times she is childish and pulls immature BS which only upsets him. I wish she would just be thankful and call it a day.

Jessica - posted on 10/06/2013

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I have a three year old step daughter who I have helped raise since she was 10 months old. She doesn't know anything else and when she is with us, I am her mom. I am the one who takes care of her a dresses her and feeds her and takes her to the doctor and makes sure she has clothes etc on our time so if she chooses to call me mommy why exactly would that be unacceptable? I feel it is much more inappropriate and unacceptable for me or my husband to tell her the I am NOT her mom when we have other children who call me mom ( not currently but in the future) if they all call me mom and I tell her no, I'm not YOUR mom I'm only their mom, wouldn't that be worse? Mother's and fathers have to understand that these are the types of things that you have to deal with when you have a broken home. Children between two families should feel left out or like they have to worry about hurting their parents feelings when they do things like call the step parent mom.

Lisa - posted on 09/25/2013

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I am raising three step-daughters full-time. Their mothers were absent for most of their lives. The oldest calls me by name, but I have caught her referring to me as "my mom" to her administrators at school. The two younger girls call me mommy. It has become confusing because both bio moms are now trying to become involved in their daughters lives. My two youngest never new their mother until recently. She finally got sober and has been trying to re-integrate herself into their lives. She was sent to prison when they were 1 and 2 years old and came into my care when they were 3 and 4. They are now about to turn 9 and 10. I am considering family therapy. this cannot be easy for them. I know it is not for me. I believe children yearn for and need their biological parents in their lives. Different situations call for different standards. I will always be their for my girls, no matter what. I hope when they get older they realize the sacrifices that were made for them and appreciate their Daddy and I for our love and patience. Their mother just seems to want to pop in and out when it is convenient for her. Which I believe to be unhealthy, but all I can do is be there for them and make sure they know they have stability with me no matter what. My oldest step- daughters mom is still using drugs and doing other illegal things. It is hard for her because she is almost 14 and her mothers lies will soon become apparent.
So in answer to your question I feel that circumstances dictate whether a child calls a step-parent mommy or daddy. Each situation is different and should be treated as such.
In addition, my DAD is my step-father. He has been there for me through good and bad since I was 8 months old. My biological father, he is a complete loser.

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i think it really depends on the situation and age.. i have a 2 1/2 soon to be step daughter we have her full time.. she sees her mom 4 hours a week and has been calling me mommy since day one.. ( she didnt see her mom for 3 months at one point) i used to correct her but finally gave up.. she also gets confused by my little ones calling me mommy.. i think it is confusing for little ones and isnt something to take personal unless they are older and the situation is different... and like others said.. be the best mother you can possibly be to them so they always know the difference

Catherine - posted on 05/01/2013

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I became a step-mom when my ss was only 6 months old and then she said it wasnt my husbands son and stopped us from seeing him it was almost a year before we got to see him again cause SHE wouldnt get a dna test when we finally got to see him it was a confusing time since she had let him call ALL the guys that hung around dad and most all the woman mom ... when he was with us we started using peoples names I was always jojo and he started understanding and calling people by name EXCEPT for daddy and mommy BUT we couldnt break him from calling me mom we tried momma jo but that wasnt good enough for him, He is almost 4 now and daddy is daddy I am mommy and he calls his mom by her name we always say your mommy and he tells us no and says her name when we are around her and he says mom I ignore him till he calls me by my name they had joint custody and then we had 50/50 and then it went back to joint and NOW we have full custody due to her and her family neglecting and abusing him I think a child should be able to call who ever what ever they want to .. If a step child calls a step parent mom/dad its a compliment

Constanza - posted on 04/01/2013

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There are no step parents in my household, but my mother remarried and I call my step father by his first name. He's a lovely guy and I double-barrelled my maiden surname to include his, but he is not my Dad and he never will be.

Jennifer - posted on 03/10/2013

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I agree. Almost a year ago, my husband and I got full custody of his two boys, ages 7 & 9 because their Mother and Step father were arrested for burglary. Before this happened, their Mom had only been married to this guy for a year and was pregnant with his child. She had the boys, my husband (boyfriend at the time) was always in the boys life, got them every other weekend and gave her money monthly without even being ordered to. (just the right thing to do..) He was never an absent father. As soon as their mother got with this guy (stepdad), she had asked my husband if it was ok for the boys to call him daddy.. He said No, that is not okay with me. However, she and her new husband told the boys to call him daddy. The boys were confused. They even said they would get in trouble if they called there stepdad by his name instead of calling him their daddy... not cool. We told the boys to call him "daddy-name" or "name" and to call me "mama-jen" or "jen" and explained they only have one mommy and daddy.
The mom got pissed and said she told the boys they could call me mommy..... not cool. Like she was just trying to make it okay for the kids to call the guy daddy by saying it was ok for them to call me mommy... scandelous.
My husband explained again, even when they had to go to a co-parenting class and the subject came up. He told her the same thing again, and she responded by saying he was jealous and didn't agree with the psychologist and experts in the co-parenting class. She says she didn't force them to call him daddy, that they told the boys "it's okay if you do"...
Well if they had never said that, then it wouldn't be an issue. (CAN WE SAY MANIPULATION, MENTAL ABUSE)
She continues to say, "daddy loves you", "your daddy etc, etc." even after all of this.
All we can do is spiratically tell the boys the same thing again, and again & hope that this changes as they age. It's just plain wrong.
Thanks for letting me vent and for understanding what's right and wrong.....

April - posted on 03/09/2013

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both of my kids have step-parents, my son is 10 years old and he calls his step-mom mom, he's old enough to make his own choice about that situations. but my daughter is 3 and she said to me that her step-mom is her mom. i was shocked. she visits her stepmom/dad/brother on the weekends only, i had mixed feeling about it cuz if her brother calls his mother mom in front of my daughter of course she will copy him.
but also i wondered if she insisted that my daughter calls her mom. me and her father doesnt get along, as a matter a fact, we dont talk at all. in order for me to know whats going on when she's with them, i asked the step-mom for her email address so we can communicate better.....i am mature enough to put all drama/feelings aside for my child's well being.

i dont like my 3 year old calling her mom, but i make sure that my daughter knows and feels who HER BIO mom is.
my 10 year old knows his stepmom since he was born, so that doesnt bother me at all.

one advice i can give every mom or dad,. make sure you're best mom/dad they will ever have.

Renee - posted on 02/17/2013

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i agree that they should call that person by their first name. Why? That's something that a good parents have earned that name (mommmie or dad). If you're a patent that not there for your children and there is a step parent in the pic ok I understand. But I otherthan that "NO". Because I wouldn't any other female just because she has marrief the faster thinking she has that right & u only been around few r less. No ..we as good parents been there throughit all. That also go for a good dad. They earned that name also....so to wrap it up "NO THE CHILD SHOULD NOT CALL THEM MOM OR DAD" by their name. but they shouldberespectful.

Amy - posted on 02/15/2013

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We only get my stepson 3 months during summer and every other Christmas and thanksgiving, because he lives 1000's miles away. and my husband and I only been together about a yr and 1/2. Last summer my 5 yr SS asked me if he could call me mom. I told him I would love that but he had a mommy. He went kn to tell me that I was his mommy too. Now his biomom hates it so. In respect for her n to make things easier for SS we will discuss him calling me Oma (other mom). She has him calling her on again off again bf daddy. Some women r just impossible to get along wit..

Rose - posted on 02/04/2013

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My step-daughter calls me mom all the time, so does my step-son. Neither of us make a big stink out of it because it is what the children decided to do on their own free will. If they decide one day to not call me mom anymore, that is perfectly ok and it is up to them. They also call their step-father "dad" even though their real dad is an active part in their life as well.

It is called working together for the sake of the children and not being selfish as to who calls who what and getting offended by it. its pointless.

Jenna - posted on 02/02/2013

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I think that this is a question that would vary by situation. If the bio-mom is not really around and active in the child's life BY CHOICE, yes fine, I have absolutely no problem with it. If the bio-mom is active in the child's life, I don't necessarily think it is acceptable, but sometimes, a child may feel closer to the step-mom, in this case, I think that maybe they should have their own special name for the step-mom.

Frankie - posted on 02/02/2013

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I am both a mom and a step-mom so I can see both sides of this problem. I have to say that as a mom it would be very hard for me to hear my kids call another woman "mom". However, my ex has been single since we parted 11 years ago so I have never been put in the situation to know for sure. On the other hand, my husband and I have been together for 10 years since my step-kids were 5 and 3, and while they don't always call me mom, they do at times. I have explained to them and they understand that while I love that they see me that way and want to call me that, that it could and probably will upset their biomom and it probably wouldn't be a good idea to call me that in front of her. I probably should mention that my husband and I have custody of my kids and step-kids, and they only see their other parents on the weekends.

Hope this was helpful.

Anne - posted on 01/30/2013

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My daughters always say they can only have one mum. But as they live with their stepfather, he doesn't like to be called that so they either call him by his real name or sometimes, especially when they write cards for us they put to mum and dad.

I agree with what someone said that it is a sign the child likes the other person and feels comfortable. My daughters love their step mum but still they tell me "you can only have one mum"

If they chose to call her mum, which I doubt they will, I think I would find it a little weird but accept it as they obviously love her and that is a good thing.

The main thing is the child knows who their mum is and they will always love us bio mums the best.

Shell - posted on 01/29/2013

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I agree with Kim, it IS the childs choice. And a step parent is still a parent regardless of what the opposing Bio Parent thinks. I would never let my SS call me by my first name. It's never even come up in our family. I am his step Mom. Thus he chose Mom for short. Plus in my case I've been with him since b4 he turned 2 yrs old. I like the K-mom idea, but am opposed to the Aunt/ Uncle idea as Renea stated that could be SO confusing later on! LOL Aunt Mommy Shell.... yikes! The looks we would get! No offense Kim, just trying to be funny.

In many cases it's not even an option to talk to the BM... At least in my case it is. She is not normal nor is she friendly or even cares what her child would want. She is all about her... not her son, or my husband or me or our relationship with him. She just doesn't care about anyone but herself. It's hard to even care what she thinks when she is like that.

Renea - posted on 01/29/2013

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I think having your child call a love interest aunt or uncle implies something seriously wrong especially when they grow up and learn the relationship those titles imply.... and then if you actually marry the person your kid may think MY MOM MARRIED HER BROTHER!!!! lol it's a good idea to let the child choose when or if to cross the line of who is deserving of a parental title and if as a mom hearing your child call someone else mom is too much to bare maybe it's best to have the adults come together and decide on something suitable and respectable like call you mom or mommy and step mom is ma or mama they could even go by their first name if the adults are cool with that idea but for me and mine what we have going on is good for us

Kim - posted on 01/29/2013

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I think is should be the child's choice no matter what way you look at it they would be their parent too, being a step mom myself it feels awesome being called mom by a child who you love like your own but didn't give birth too. grated if my babies came home calling some other women mom I would be heart broken!!! so maybe Aunt.... or take their first letter of their name and put it before mom .... for Kim.. K-mom.

Kim - posted on 01/29/2013

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I think is should be the child's choice no matter what way you look at it they would be their parent too, being a step mom myself it feels awesome being called mom by a child who you love like your own but didn't give birth too. grated if my babies came home calling some other women mom I would be heart broken!!! so maybe Aunt.... or take their first letter of their name and put it before mom .... for Kim.. K-mom.

Renea - posted on 01/21/2013

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I have two children with my ex husband who has since completely vanished from their lives.... When I say vanished I mean nobody knows if he is even still alive or not...So for me and my family when I introduced my new husband to the kids they blended without an issue. It's been two years now we are expecting a joining child in about two months and my children really don't even seem to notice that my husband is not their "real" father they have been calling him daddy for close to a year now..... we have even had strangers come up and say "oh they look just like their daddy".... he just smiles like its some kind of secret victory

Cristina - posted on 12/19/2012

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I cannot ever see MY own bios calling anyone else Mom than me, but we are thick as thieves. They love my husband very much and once in a while they slip and call him Dad, but most of the time it's Tim. I don't care what my stepkids call me as long as they are respectful. Most people think one of my SDs is my bio-we look a lot alike, and I say thank you and don;t go into too many details.

Caroline - posted on 12/13/2012

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I am a step mum and my step son calls me by my first name, and I prefer it. His mum tried to call me mummy-Caroline one time as her husband was being referred to a daddy-Chris and she didn't want me to feel left out - I am not the boy's mother and will not replace her so I don't feel left out and prefer my name used on its own. That said, sometimes he calls me mum which is also ok too.

I have known friends whose children asked their biological dad if they could call their step-dad 'dad' and that worked well, as he was living with them full time and everyone was comfortable with the situation.

What I would say it is must come from the child. As the biological parents we cannot be replaced, however if a child has come to trust a step parent to the extent that they feel they have earned the right to be called mum or dad in their eyes, that is their decision alone to make. They shouldn't be made to call them mum/dad.

MaryAnn - posted on 12/10/2012

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I have 2 step children and 3 children from a previous marriage, their father hasn't been around and they have called my husband dad for 11 years now, they say he is their father, my step daughter calls me mom, my step son calls me by my first name, they live with me for about 4 years now because mom has a lot of issues and doesnt have time for them, she is around and says its ok that the daughter calls me mom but when she has her she plays the guilt trip. I think if mom is around being a mom, the step mom should be called by her name, same for the dad.

Jess - posted on 12/05/2012

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I'm getting engaged to a man that has custody of 2 children and I have full custody of my child. As soon as we told them we were getting married, my soon to be stepdaughter asked if she could call me step mom and I said she could call me whatever she wanted. She asked if she could call me mom. I said it didn't bother me but she should probably check with her mom to make sure it didnt hurt her feelings. Their bio mom is the epitome of drama...which I detest. As soon as she asked about calling me "STEP mom" (not even mom!) the drama role began...full blown tears...how dare you...absolutely not..."why dont you just call her mom then and forget about me???!!!" So ridiculous. And this is a women who gave up full custody of her children. I am here...raising her kids...I'm NOT the nanny. She doesn't want me to know (just know...not decide) any medical issues with the kids. Unless she can't drive them to their appointments (never makes it) then I'm allowed to know. I have always told the kids I'm a bonus mom. They have a mom and that's never gonna change. But she just irritates me with her drama and how completely ungrateful she is that I am raising her children. If I was ever in a position where I could not care for my children due to a mental or physical problem (hers is definitely mental...cheated and ran off into the sunset with some loser) I would be extremely greatful that someone was helping take care of my kids. That woman....my blood pressure is already going up....that is all.

Jacque - posted on 12/04/2012

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I think it is up to the child. I gave my children the option to call their step-dad whatever they felt comfortable with. It worked for us.

Grace - posted on 12/01/2012

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I told my stepson that he could call me by my name or whatever he wanted that was respectful. He chose to call me "mom." I was there all the times his mom was in jail and I went to all his school parties....especially the "Mother's Day" party that she told him she needed to go see her boyfriend in another state because she hadn't seen him in a few weeks. Had I not gone, he would have been the only child there without a mom's presence. It's up to the child and how they feel towards their stepmom. Just because someone is the biological parent does not make them a real parent.

Kathy - posted on 12/01/2012

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If mom or dad is in their lives no but if that other person is being a dad and or mom to that child then yes absolutely they should

Kona - posted on 11/30/2012

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I think it should be up to the kids. After it affects them. My kids call my significant other their dad. If both kids and step parent are in agreement on it then let it be

Shell - posted on 11/29/2012

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FYI Julia... I had no part in the break up. And I've been there since my SS was almost 2yrs old. I KNOW there are many many great moms out there. I know (thanks to my parents) that I am. I just wish his was one of them, I truly do. I have no concern of her feelings for me as I don't think highly of her. I'd love it if we could just "all get along". I tried very hard at first but realized after all the warnings from my husband and MOM (in law) that she just isn't a good person. I truly wish I had been right and that she had grown up or learned to care about others or whatever..... I only hope that I and my hubby can teach him how to be a successful human being in society and undo all the wrongs that she is and will continue to do to him. I'm just a loving MOM who wants the absolute best for my (step)son as I would for my own.

DARLENE - posted on 11/29/2012

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Hi, I think this was a letter with alot of heart and wisdom put into it. I so agree with the insight that you have. One more thing, I put my glasses on to read this so I don't have to use caps. I understand now what you mean about it could be misunderstood even though I was thinking of those with poor eyesight.. thank you

DARLENE - posted on 11/29/2012

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Please don't worry because the love this boy feels for him will always be felt in his heart. No law can take this away. Maybe they can take God out of school and government but we stil know we are loved by this great Source no matter what.

Natalie - posted on 11/28/2012

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Thanks i do i almost wanted to write a book what not to expect when expecting lol:-)

Terrylynn - posted on 11/28/2012

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I disagree. my son is 16 my husband has raised him for the last 9 yearsand my son calls him dad. his biological father came in his life 3 years ago and now wants to change that because he says he is my sons only father my husband has invested more time in raising my son then his own father has. we were in court today the judge says my son is no longer allowed to call my husband dad, he states its against the law. i have never heard such a thing. my husband and i do not agree with this at all. has anyone ever heard of such a law?

DARLENE - posted on 11/28/2012

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IT SHOULD NOT BE LEFT UP TO THE CHILD IF HE IS YOUNG BECAUSE I REMEMBER THE WIFE OF MY X WANTED TO BE CALLED MOM AND GOT HER WAY. SHE FORCED THIS ON MY LITTLE GIRL AND NOW SHE IS CALLED MOM ALSO. THIS LASTED FOR ABOUT 4 YEARS AND NOW THAT THEY ARE ALSO DIVORCED, SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CHILD. NEVER PUSH YOUR WILL ON ANYBODY BECAUSE IF YOU ARE LOVED THEN ENJOY THAT. THAT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN AWAY.

Julia - posted on 11/28/2012

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I had a step mom who told me "It's OK if you call me mom, you know I love you like my own daughter". I did it for a little while to try to be a good sport, but it always made me uncomfortable. After her and my dad divorced (and second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages) I never saw her again except for one time when I bumped in to her unexpectedly. I consider that a good reason to never want someone elses child to call me mom.

Julia - posted on 11/28/2012

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sorry MF but I think comparing a step parent (if he BIO parent is still in the picture) to an adoptive parent isn't a fair comparison, as it is also not a fair comparison I believe to lump together step parents who are full time parents when the BIO is absent and step parents where the BIO is present. Let's face it no matter how civil and eveolved any of us might be let's call a spade a spade when BIO mom and step mom are both present there is bound to be some level of rivalry or occational tinge of jelousy even in the most high functioning blended families.



Unfortunatly there is a senerio I have seen all too often that really bothers me, and I think accounts for the ire of many moms when the idea of the kids calling the step parent mom (although of course there are many in differnt situations). First in some cases the step parent played a role in the break down of the family. If step mom was dads mistress she should never be called mom and there should be a strong morality clause in the custody agreement. Secondly even when the step mom wasn't a factor in the break down of the marriage she is frequently a younger woman with no children (again of course this is not a one size fits all situation). When step mom is childless she wants sometimes wants to play house with her new husband and kids from his previous marriage. Yup this irks mom because kids might be there everyother weekend and step mom gets to play etc but she doesn't have to do the heavy lifting of chasing them down to do homework or leaving work when the kid gets sick. This in no way diminishes the step mothers love for the child. I believe many step parents and step kids have a genuine love for each other, but that doesn't make them mom and in situations where the mother didn't want to get divorced or the situations listed above it is an offensive idea to have step mther called mom. Think about your own children calling someone you frankly don't care for, perhaps even view as in immoral person, mom.



My sons Godmother loves him dearly. When I first went back to work my son was at her house everyday. She loves him like he is her own. She has more photos of him than her BIO neices and nephews in her home and in her office. She will often refer to him as her boy. Yet she has never asked to be called mom. She has a significant other with children and she would never ask to be called mom by them. There are many terms of endearment for people we love, my is reserved for one woman. If the BIO mom is totally out of the picture then I can understand calling the step parent mom.

My - posted on 11/28/2012

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Being a step parent and a bio parent, I so feel that it is up to the child because it is the child who has to live with it. My step daughter has never felt a true connection with her bio mother and she always felt close to me. My husband received custody of his daughter after the child who was 11 years old begged us to fight her mother in court. Her mother fought us but it was only to make us spend a lot of money for the high power attorney we have not out of her love for her only child. Since his daughter came to stay with us her mother has completely disowned her. If her mother sees her on the street she pretends like they are buddies but it is so fake. I have always been there for my step daughter and had her back 1,000%, we were even physically and verbally attacked by her bio mother and her mother's friend. I have always opened up my heart and life to my step daughter. My step daughter is 15 now is still going through so much emotionally and mentally because she feels so much dislike towards her bio mother due to all the years of the verbal, mental and physical abuse from her bio mother that she holds it all in until she explodes on us by being a totally different person. I have allowed her to call me Mom because once I married her Dad, who I have been with for 14 years and been married for 6 years, she did become my child no matter who likes it. I will always be there for her and I don't care if her mother hates that but I am there for my step daughter not her bio mother.

Jennifer - posted on 11/28/2012

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NO NO NO. Im sorry but the thought of my kids calling another woman "mom" after i busted my a** raising them REALLY ticks me off. I think its overstepping HER bounds by even wanting to be called a step "mom". She is who he sleeps with at night and thats about it so what if thats his wife, that doesnt mean anything. She still is NOT related to that child, and what if they get divorced? Then is she still step mom? If my kids ever reffered to someone else as "mom" I would be very dissappointed and upset and I would feel disrespected by my children, they all know that they only have one mom and I am right here. Mom is a title that is EARNED not given because of marriage, pfffsshh. Im sorry but Ive seen "stepmoms" in action and MY experince could make me a bit biased on this topic but most of the time step parents (that ive seen) dont even care about the kids they just act like that so their significant other is OK with it. Seen it sooooooo many times. What a piece of work this woman is even wanting to be called a step mom when you are raising the child, she has some nerve.

Shell - posted on 11/27/2012

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I'm sorry to hear what happened to you Natalie. That guy is a creep. Hang in there.

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