Roxanne - posted on 02/22/2010 ( 39 moms have responded )
I'm a bit torn between the 'every child needs their father in their life' concept and my own emotions towards my daughter's biological father.
I got pregnant when we were both very young.. i was 15 and he was 18. I had to grow up fast where he stayed irresponsible. It was only a matter of time before our relationship turned sour. He was not participating in our daughter's upbringing, there was a point where my daughter didnt even know who he was because they spent such little time together despite living under the same roof.
After a few weeks of our 3 year relationship ending he was in alleyways with many different girls. Sometimes more than one at a time. But continued to be possessive over me.
He used to regularly break into the house after nights out checking that I was with nobody else. Each time I tried to get him out it resulted in extreme trouble. He smashed up lightswitches in temper, cut himself in front of me, threatening suicide and then it got to the point where he forced me into having sex with him all while my 2 year old daughter lay sleeping upstairs.
I tried not to let my own resentment towards him affect my daughter's relationship with him, as he hadn't done anything directly to her. He would always be late for her contact, if he showed at all, due to hangovers and lack of organisation. The last time he had any real sort of contact with her he had kidnapped her from me for three days.
It has been a year since all of this has happened. All of his family has regular contact with my daughter apart from him. He has left no message to ask about contact or even about her well being. He owes maintenance money to her and has given her nothing for any of her birthdays or christmases.
It seems clear to me he has no interest in being tied down to our daughter. But his girlfriend keeps messaging me asking me to let him see her and that he does actually care.
Problem is, I have been with my boyfriend for just a year now and he has been absolutely brilliant for both me and my daughter. He has been what we've both needed and in my daughters eyes, is her true dad.
The way I feel at times is that everyone has got what they wanted. I have a happy family and my ex has his freedom.
Other times I think 'what if he has changed?' (even though there's nothing showing that he has).
The way everyone says every child has a right to see their father.. If I was to risk doing that... It would be my daughter's feelings at risks. It would hurt me so much if a desicion I made would badly affect the rest of her life..
Either choice I make.. She'll either never have contact with a biological father..
Or she could grow up feeling rejected and unwanted by her daddy because he'll let her down.
Does anybody think that he could have possibly changed?? I just cant seem to be able to decide because I'm so defensive against the guy I knew a year ago... that i cant give the guy a year later a chance.