Communities

Single Moms

All Communities > Single Moms > Does he deserve any more second chances??

Does he deserve any more second chances??

Roxanne - posted on 02/22/2010 ( 39 moms have responded )

I'm a bit torn between the 'every child needs their father in their life' concept and my own emotions towards my daughter's biological father.

I got pregnant when we were both very young.. i was 15 and he was 18. I had to grow up fast where he stayed irresponsible. It was only a matter of time before our relationship turned sour. He was not participating in our daughter's upbringing, there was a point where my daughter didnt even know who he was because they spent such little time together despite living under the same roof.

After a few weeks of our 3 year relationship ending he was in alleyways with many different girls. Sometimes more than one at a time. But continued to be possessive over me.

He used to regularly break into the house after nights out checking that I was with nobody else. Each time I tried to get him out it resulted in extreme trouble. He smashed up lightswitches in temper, cut himself in front of me, threatening suicide and then it got to the point where he forced me into having sex with him all while my 2 year old daughter lay sleeping upstairs.

I tried not to let my own resentment towards him affect my daughter's relationship with him, as he hadn't done anything directly to her. He would always be late for her contact, if he showed at all, due to hangovers and lack of organisation. The last time he had any real sort of contact with her he had kidnapped her from me for three days.

It has been a year since all of this has happened. All of his family has regular contact with my daughter apart from him. He has left no message to ask about contact or even about her well being. He owes maintenance money to her and has given her nothing for any of her birthdays or christmases.

It seems clear to me he has no interest in being tied down to our daughter. But his girlfriend keeps messaging me asking me to let him see her and that he does actually care.

Problem is, I have been with my boyfriend for just a year now and he has been absolutely brilliant for both me and my daughter. He has been what we've both needed and in my daughters eyes, is her true dad.

The way I feel at times is that everyone has got what they wanted. I have a happy family and my ex has his freedom.

Other times I think 'what if he has changed?' (even though there's nothing showing that he has).
The way everyone says every child has a right to see their father.. If I was to risk doing that... It would be my daughter's feelings at risks. It would hurt me so much if a desicion I made would badly affect the rest of her life..

Either choice I make.. She'll either never have contact with a biological father..
Or she could grow up feeling rejected and unwanted by her daddy because he'll let her down.

Does anybody think that he could have possibly changed?? I just cant seem to be able to decide because I'm so defensive against the guy I knew a year ago... that i cant give the guy a year later a chance.

Join Circle of Moms

39 Comments

View replies by

Anetress - posted on 03/06/2010

that's what we're here for...we're all in the same gang : MotherHood!

Roxanne - posted on 03/03/2010

Thanks so much for everyone's comments.. You've all put so much useful advice in and i'm really grateful for the time and effort you spent in responding to my post.. it's been really helpful! We all have our weak moments when we question whether our desicions are right or wrong and you've helped me sooo much with my insecurity! Realising the fact that there are so many people in my shoes has been an eye opener as well. Although every situation is different in thier own way.. the message is still the same. Men like him don't change. He'll have to earn his second chance. And he'll only get it when he proves he deserves it. It's not my responsibility to make him grow up.. and it's not my fault if he doesn't. And if he doesn't grow up.. then he's no sort of figure i want in my daughters life.

Goodness what a revelation lol. Thanks for helping me get my sense back!!

Roxanne x

Jessica - posted on 03/01/2010

I'm pretty sure that after 6 months without any contact, you can terminate his rights. Remember, terminating his rights doesn't mean that you have to deny the rest of his family the ability to form those strong bonds. I'm not an attorney by any means, but I'd look into it. You may not think that he has done anything to your daughter directly, but what he has done to you will affect the type of care that you are able to provide for her. Another piece of information that I discovered is that 70% of children that witness their parents committing or even just threatening suicide, attempt suicide themselves. As your daughter gets older, you don't want him to introduce this concept to her. Protect yourself and your daughter. Get an attorney if you don't already have one.

Anetress - posted on 02/28/2010

Hi Roxanne,

a lot of wisdom has been given here. Unfortunately, this type of problem seems to be generational. My daughter's father was like that and now that she's 15, she's found out for herself what type of man he was. I gave him chance after chance and it all backfired. He's the one missing out and after all of these years, he still hasn't gotten it together, but it was HIS choice. It's really sad. It sounds like you're doing well now with your new man, don't look back or feel bad, you've done more than you should have for him and it wasn't appreciated. Maybe he'll grow up one day, but until then, do what's best for you and her.

Tiffany - posted on 02/28/2010

he sounds horrible just for you to be around so why would you want to expose your daughter to that? My son does not have his father in his life because his father is way too immatture to actually change for his son.. but when my son gets older and askes about his father, i think im just going to say he isn't a good person for you to be around, and that you have many other wonderful family members to love you even more than what he can give you.. maybe when my son turns 18 and really thinks he wants to meet his father, i will let him, and if his father hasnt changed, then my son will see for himself what a lowlife he really is.. I would say save your daughters life some drama and keep her away from her real father.. Good luck, i hope everything turns out good for you and your little one!

Gabrielle - posted on 02/28/2010

I completly understand. My daughter's biological father isn't in the picture at all. I haven' t been with him for nine months now, and he still calls me everyday to scream at me. I haven't dated any body new, but he has. I'm scared to get a new boyfriend because I'm scared of what he'll do. To answer your question... maybe right now isn't thebest time for your daughter to see her dad. Your boyfriend sounds like a pretty amazing guy. When she's older and when she can understand tell her about her real father and ask if she wnats to meethim. Leave the descicion up tp your daughter, she'll make the right choice. You should probably if you havent already get a custody battle going. Thats what im doing right now. My daughters father doesn't want to take care, but he claims that he loves her and he wants half. And I promised myself that would never happen. So leave that decision up to your daugther. But for the time beening, leave him in the dust.

Kathy - posted on 02/28/2010

Your daughter only needs to know that you love her and that everything that you do is in her best interest, when we gave birth and left the hospital with all those papers in hand I and a lot of other mothers lost the manual on how to be a great parent, we do the best we can, our situations are very similar but with my first I was 19 and had to grow fast like yourself, my son now is 26 and I am so proud and he loves and adores me ( his mom ), believe me when I tell you that I did tons wrong and I was young but the one thing that never changed was that I loved him and everything I did was in his best interest, he was home last week from university for reading week and we spoke about his childhood and me as a mother and I have never been so proud of my son but most of all my skills as a mother and how I doubted myself over and over again throughout his life. You have a father figure for your daughter and a great man in your life why change that ?? The man that keeps coming in and out of your life will not change it is not within him, he is not responsible and if you does change to want to be responsible does not mean you change your life to suit him because I can 99.9% promise you that your heart will be broken again, as for your daughter I believe that he should be in her life, my sons father was never financially responsible but eventually in his life and as he grew up he knew who and what his father was and is still to this day, remember never to put your daughters father down in front of her, I believe to always tell the truth and sometimes that is not nice and hard to take but I never put his father down but always told the truth and when they grow up they grow up they understand better. I always say to my son that no matter what he is your father and that you cannot change, he may not be who you want him to be but he is still your father.
Be true to yourself and enjoy what you have now with that someone special.

Romie Marie - posted on 02/28/2010

you were not meant for each other. three years of being together is so enough for him to change. i had the same situation with you before, the difference is i left him when i was eight month pregnant. a man who's irresponsible at the beginning doesn't have any chances. some people tell me that my ex wanted to see my son, but i refused. it's better for the child to be away to his father than to experience the sufferings i had before.
at your situation, you are lucky with your new bf, and that's good both for you and your child. just keep that person, he might be the one for you.

Helen - posted on 02/28/2010

My daughter dad kept walkin out of her life and then back in when he was in a mood they think its all easy and men just can get what they want where if we went to court and they did not wanna know then they get away with it but if we did not go we would get done

Joy - posted on 02/28/2010

Hi there.I think the most important thing is that you have your daughter and she will grow up knowing that you love her with all your heart.
You know kids know these things even if they dont talk about them in a way we adults will.Its his loss he is missing out on probabaly the most precious thing his life can offer him!!!
Stay strong and enjoy every minute of your child and sorry i do not believe that people can change!!Cheers

Consuela - posted on 02/27/2010

I went through the same thing. I divorced him four years ago. I tried to stay for the kids but that never works. It only affects the children more. My children watched him abuse me. They still remember that to this day. I stayed for nine years until I couldn't take it no more. Then I allowed him to come back into our lives for the kids sake. It ended in disaster.He would get angry if I even spoke to an old male friend and start an argument in front of the kids. They would have flashbacks from the past. I don't know what I was thinking.I was trying to be friends for the kids sake. Don't ever do things for the kids sake. Children are vulnerable and so are their minds. He's now cut off for good. I'm still working with my children, encouraging them, loving on them, and building up their self esteem. It has taken a long time to get them where they are. Don't let him back in. People don't change that fast unless God changes them. And even then, it's a process they have to go through. Move on and don't look back. Do not be weary in well doing. God will bless you and your family. Have faith in Him. A man that wants to control you, abuse you and hurt you doesn't love you. 1 corinthians chapter 13 talks of what real love is. If Jesus wouldn't treat us like that, then no one else should. Be grateful and move on. Some women didn't make it out.

Roxanne - posted on 02/26/2010

Thanks everyone for all your comments! You're all completely right.. he doesnt deserve a chance unless he earns the trust back again and grows up. I've felt it all along.. but wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing so it's really nice to know that so many people are on the same level as me!!

Thanks so much everyone. Its so much easier to listen to other people sometimes than to yourself.. even if we are al saying the same thing!!

Aimee - posted on 02/25/2010

to me it sounds like he was very abusive and unless he has had professional help for his own issues there is no way he would have changed. he would only end up repeating the same behaviours towards his new partner in time. also why is it her that is getting in touch regarding seeing his child? if he really had stepped up to be a decent father and if he really has changed he would be getting in touch with you himself and would do anything to prove that he is now responsible and mature and ready to take on the role of being a dad. it is up to him, not his girlfriend or anybodyelse to step up and make those changes and it shows he is being gutless to not be able to contact you himself. i would wait until he gets in touch and maby recommend some family counselling between you both as parents to address your concerns. there are family protection and court orders in place for this sort of behaviour. and after all you have every right to be concerned and you are her full time mother and guardian. he needs to earn his rights to see her and show that he is serious!!

Natalie - posted on 02/25/2010

111

there is a reason why its called a second chance. they all ready had one chance, they blew it, you gave him another chance and blew that too. tell his girlfriend its not her place to ask to see the child, that's his responsibility. some guys( i wanted to say men) like to say their dads but don't want the stress that goes with being a father. let him go. tell him and his girlfriend politely that when he is ready to take some responsibility for your child he can see her.
my girl hasnt seen her dad since she was 15 mths and shes now 3.5yrs she has her poppy to see and has male contact at childcare. i was an only child with a single mum and i did ok.

Candice - posted on 02/25/2010

111

First of all, its not just your personal feelings towards him but your motherly instincts. His girlfriend should not be contacting you, he should. Tell his girlfriend to stay out of it. I had issues similar to yours with my child's father. actually still going through them but the sad part of it all is that my baby daddy is 31 not 18. He should know better. All I can say is (what someone else wrote to me) cut the ropes and let him fall flat on his butt. Let him go. When/if he changes, he will show it and come back. However, let him know that when/if he does come back, he better be straightened up and stay completely involved. it is not good for the child if he goes in/out of her life. Keep your head up. It sounds like things are going the way it should just tell the girlfriend to mind her business.

Ginggi - posted on 02/25/2010

there's no use to give him a second chance..you deserve a brand new life and live happyly with someone new who respect and love you and your child. be brave..because i'm also a single mom too:) bless you and your child..

Destiny - posted on 02/25/2010

only if they change

Stacey - posted on 02/25/2010

* sigh * My heart breaks for all of these children, including my 2, without their fathers, BUT, you are 100% her mother and decision maker, It seems you know deep down your answer..I don't think you should do it, I believe with a good enough, or great mother alone, our children will still thrive throughout their lives. I think the father's sporadic visits would be more hurtfull in the end, and you don't know 1st hand his behavior at this time, I think you know what is in your daughters best interest, although if you had court at some point regarding paternity, was any visitation set at that time? If yes, I think you could, (if u decided) request supervised visits because of his violent behavior towards you in the past. good luck with whatever u decide to do, and as a mother, I know you will know in your heart what the right thing to do is!

Megan - posted on 02/24/2010

In my opinion i don't think you should take the chance to see if he has changed. Cause if he hasn't then you could be putting your entire happy family in danger. If he has really changed then he needs to come to you and prove it. I personally would make him get down on his hands and knees and beg for forgiveness before even thinking about giving him another chance

Jen - posted on 02/24/2010

Sounds like my x! I will tell you from past experiencES They DO NOT CHANGE! They say they do and may play the game for a bit but trust me We are all instilled with instincts, attitudes, a mind set you can work to please another but we cant change who we are deep down inside. It sounds to me like you are finally happy enjoy what you have a man that loves you and your daughter (which is a plus). Let the x go. life is toooo short to feel guilty. You daughter is very young she will adapt and grow and when she is old enough she will realize who he is and can make up her own mind. Mine did and i feel like you that she "needs" a dad. Just love her and she will be ok! Good Luck

Erica - posted on 02/24/2010

i know what your going through..i'm going through the same thing.. i have 3 small children and was with their father for 12 years. my situation was very similar.. its been 1 year and he's changed quite a bit, but i'm not fully convinced that thats true.. its almost like he puts on a front when he's around me to make me feel like he has..i want to believe him and take him back because i still love him and my kids miss him, BUT... i cant hurt my kids if we don't last.. and thats not a risk i'm willing to take.. my babies come first. yes he's their dad but i don't think i'll ever be able to trust him again, and i don't ever wanna feel like that, because trust is everything in a relationship.. i hope i've helped you in some way to deal with all of your emotions... hope to hear back from you

MamaTo2 - posted on 02/24/2010

231

I would never say that anyone "can't" change...I believe everyone can change, but the fact is, most people "WON'T" ever change. You described some very violent, abusive behavior and even if those things were done to you, not your daughter, that does not mean he wouldn't do the same or similar things to her at some point. Those are the behaviors of an extremely damaged, dangerous person and no one is immune to his actions, not even his sweet, innocent little girl, and if I were you I would never trust him alone with her unless he went through years of serious therapy! I don't understand why his girlfriend is sending you messages about how much he wants to see his daughter. If he wants to see her that badly he would man up and take responsibility himself. You mentioned that his family gets to see her. If you feel comfortable with his family and their judgment, I would contact him and let him know if he really wants to spend time with her and bond with her he needs to make good use of the time his family has with her by participating in their visitation. But again, only if you completely trust their judgment and are sure that they would never let him take her alone. Studies definitely show that a strong, positive male role model is vital to a child's emotional and social development, but that doesn't necessarily have to be her birth father. You need to find someone (or several) who can provide that in her life to make sure that need is fully met. If he has supervised visitation, then she can know her father and draw her own conclusions as she grows and learns. He may hurt her if he is in her life now and decides to walk away again, but you making the choice to not allow him in her life at all may hurt her as well. Lots of kids grow up resenting one parent for not allowing them to know the other parent and create their own perception. It's a tough decision. If it were me, I would allow him to see her but only when 100% supervised by someone you completely trust.

IMANI - posted on 02/24/2010

well i know how you feel i had a son at 19 his father was also 19 we was young and he decided after our son was two he wasnt ready our son is now 12 will be 13 on march 15 for years me and his father was at war but he always had access to our son i use to alway complain because his father wasnt really supporting our son emotional but about 6 years ago i told his father i will no longer call you to let your son talk to you. i will no longer push for you to have a relationship with him, the ball is in your court your son will see for himself what type of man you are. about two years ago his father decide he wanted to be more involve and started calling our son and wanted to see him and he wasnt interested most of the time and being the immature man his father was he try to blame me when he would call and my son would ask me why hes calling and what does he want.So you should let your daughter make her own choice and see for herself what type of person her dad is and let her make the decision if she want to be bothered with him unless you feel he would put her at risk. he is who he is and doesnt sound like he will change.Our kids might be hurt and feel reject by their father but in the end at least i pray it will make my son a better father to his children oneday.and if you have a man who want to step in and be a father to your daughter and he makes her happy just let it be he sound like a good guy.

Katie - posted on 02/23/2010

You need to think about what's best for your daughter, not what anyone "feels" about your ex.
First and foremost, he will NEVER change to be the father your daughter needs and deserves. Take it from someone who knows.
I too believe every child needs their father in their lives, but there are certain percautions you MUST take to protect your daughter. You say yor ex's family sees her? Maintain that if it's good for her & he can either choose to be present when your daughter is visiting grandparents, or not.
I would strongly caution against unsupervised visits with her dad; furthermore, the girlfriend of your ex has ABSOLUTELY no say in this situation.
Eventually, your daughter will grow and develop her own opinion and feelings of her dad. That's her right and noone should prohibit that. She will see her father as the man he is and she will make up her own mind about him. If you try to sway her either way, it might come back to haunt you. So stay out of that personal decision of your daughter's, yet protect her from harm.
As for your boyfriend, my personal opinion coming from someone in a similar situation: I think as a mother, it's my job to make sure my daughter has some decent male role models in her life. I have a couple of those in my daughter's life, neither of which is my partner. Your daughter needs examples of "real" men in her life so she can be able to recognise the idiots or "man-boys". If your boyfriend fulfils a need that all little girls have for their daddys, then so be it. Of course, she will know he's not her bio-dad, but it won't matter if he's the man you say he is.

Oh, and one last thing regarding your last paragraph: As Dr.Phil always says "the best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior" Meaning if your ex has lived his life behaving the way you describe, then chances are pretty good that's the way he will continue to live his life. Nothing short of Divine Intervention is gonna change that boy!

Best of luck to you and your daughter, just keep being the good mom you seem to be.

Vanessa - posted on 02/23/2010

744

He doesn't deserve another chance - what Princess needs a possessive and angry father?
Move on and leave the past where it belongs *hugs*

Jessica - posted on 02/23/2010

now or then, he has showed you nothing has changed. What is there to question? If a year later he tried to get back into her life and made the effort, then fine, but he has done NOTHING. Good bye to the old. Move on. it will be better for your daughter and much better for you. My concern is you still have feelings for him. Move On!!!!!! She will be fine with out him. what if next time he hurts her instead of you???

Angelian - posted on 02/23/2010

I dont get it, I mean really is it something in mens dna that makes them unable to be the adult and not the child. my ex missed all my son's first and he is blaming me cause I want to take it to court. why are men so immature?

Charity - posted on 02/23/2010

i agree with all of you on that..its the fathers that will miss out on their childs life and growing up because of their poor choices or inabilities to be a father...i went through that with my daughters biological father when i was pregnant..he didnt want me to ahve her and didnt want to be a part of her life or mine adn now that he's met her he wants her in his life and wants me, but i wont take him back because hes still immature as he was when we broke up...plus i dont want to deal with his heartaches no more, but i want him to be a part of his daughters life and he has been there physically and emotionally but financially hes not there and thats a hard thing for me to deal with because he makes more than i do, and im buying everything for her and its not cheap to be a single mother and support a daughter on your own...

Amy - posted on 02/23/2010

i am sorry to say that they dont change i had to leran the hard way , if they have you and your new man dont worry about it she is loved and your ex is missing out.