doing it all

[deleted account] ( 2 moms have responded )

im looking for experience strength and hope from other single moms who may have been in this situation...i was engaged to my ex when i got pregnant and had our daughter..we split up four months ago when she was a yr and a half..she is now 22 months...right now we are splitting custody 50/50...he has her 2 weeks a month and so do i. hes a great dad and i dont want to deny her time with him and since shes not in school i thought this might work. i dont have any help as far as care goes with her, im living with my mom at the moment. i just started school again online and at her age (very active) i have not been able to do my school work or even focus for more than a minute, i just have no time (also i have hyperthyroidism...so im tired all the time, so when she takes her naps so do i, so i havent even been able to do my school work then) i can get her into daycare which would help and give me the time i need but im wondering if i should change our custody schedule...maybe id have her mon-thurs and him fri-sun or vise versa...this way she can go to daycare and have more of a routine. i also need to get a job so that i can afford for us to move out and have our own place (the house is not baby friendly or organized therefore very stressful living situation) im having trouble doing it all simultaneously, as i never expected to be a single mother and im having trouble adjusting to this new life...before i didnt have to work and i had taken off from school to be a stay at home mom because her father supported us...all i did was take care of her and did nothing for myself it was all about her 24/7 now all of that has changed and i need to find a balance, i need to finish my degree in order to ensure a better future for myself and my daughter...also another huge problem with the custody schedule is that her routine is so out of control...i dont know what her routine is when she is with him as he doesnt even do what i do, he runs his own company and works alot so she is with his mother most of the time until he gets home around 8pm feeds her bathes her and puts her to bed...im having trouble getting her into a good routine as far as mealtime, naptime and bedtime...and when i finally get her to bed after midnight! im so exhausted i cant even do the housework or schoolwork ive neglected all day...im in desperate need of some good pointers/advice/encouragement.....please help!

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Chrissa- Thank you very much...if it helps I am in New York and have considered going on welfare as well, however just as yours...my family is upper middle class and thinks that I'd be taking the easy way out, at the moment I don't have a job, so I canceled my health insurance (my daughters receives hers through the state because her dad lives in PA and she gets Chip...which is a great health insurance for kids in PA) I am living in NY...I have filled out my welfare app but have not turned it in yet because everytime I go I have my daughter and like you said you see the people just waiting around all day taking advantage of the system....I'd be interested in knowing what services and help you received (I know it varies state to state...but still interested) and how it has worked for you...also my ex and I have not gone through the courts regarding custody, we've just been working out between us which has seemed to work well so far and I think he is open to negotiations...so I'm not sure its necessary this moment to go through custodial court...again I'd love to hear what you have to say, thanks again!

Chrissa - posted on 10/15/2009

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Wow....now I can see why your new man is trying to give you advice....you have ALOT on your plate. He just wants to help I bet. Ok first things first. I'm not sure what state you live in so I have no idea what help is out there for you. I ran into this problem with my daughter. We did not even make it to her first birthday. I had been a waitress and there is no daycare at night which is when you make money. So.......I sucked up my pride and went on welfare in order to get an education, day care and housing. It was rough....my family was upper middle class and really took this news pretty tough. However, it worked out wonderfully. I did not take advantage of the system but watched just about everyone do just that. So what, I did what I needed to do for my daughter. Now, in your case you need to take care of your health first.....are you working closely with a doctor to manage the thyroid???? If you don't take care of yourself then who will be left to take care of your daughter???? Second, personally I don't believe 50/50 custody is a good idea. It splits the child too much. Again, I am at a loss due to whatever state you live in. However, the schedule is a valid concern as well as how your daughter is being raised in general. If there is no communiciation between you, your ex and his mother then your daughter will indeed suffer from mixed messages and be very confused. You need to look into how your state views this situation and how they tend to rule in custody cases. So I think the best thing for you to do right now is research. Find a good doctor to help you with your thyriod condition, research the services available to you in your state, research how the court rules in custody cases, research articles that talk about shared custody, routines and co-parenting. Then look at all of your options and decide what makes the most sense for you and your daughter. While you already seem overwhelmed it wouldn't be a bad idea to get into a support group or therapy...you need someone supportive and not enmessed emotionally to speak with in order to sort everthing out, this isn't the new guy in your life either lol. I hope this helps. Feel free to contant me through my email chrissa236@hotmail.com I was there and am willing to chat with you while you are building your new support system so you can get back on your feet and take control of your life and your daughter's. You will be ok....just keep reaching out for help everywhere you can!!!!

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