Ex wants me to give kids to his girlfriend while hes away

Elizabeth - posted on 09/10/2009 ( 48 moms have responded )

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My ex has gone away for five weeks and as we have shared care 50 50 he expects me to hand the children over to his girlfriend for his week while he is away. They have lived together for the last year. I told him no as our consent orders state that only the parents r to participate in hand overs and there is no agreement between him and me for anyone else to be there. So am I in the right for not handing them over , when its his week.

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Sally - posted on 09/06/2013

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If the court order says that only the parents participate in hand overs, you do not give the kids to his girlfriend. You could politely offer to rearrange the schedule so he can have them on a week he will be home. If he gives you grief about it, go talk to whatever legal entity arranged the custody orders and make sure they know what is going on.

Kelly - posted on 07/07/2012

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Exactly it is his week. Will he be gone for long? How long will she be there alone to care for them? Plus you don't know her...a year isn't enough for anyone to know anyone , because they seem perfect.She needs a background check first, meeting with you, and references.. Seriously I wouldn't trust her until I knew her genuwine thoughts of my child. And you need to ask him , hypothetically if she wasn't around who would have picked him up then? hope this helps.XO

Chaya - posted on 07/07/2012

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You have no more responsibility to turn your children over to this woman than you would to turn them over to me. If he doesn't want to be involved in their care or their lives, he doesn't have to.
That kind of attitude got my estranged husband to straighten up fast.

Kathleen - posted on 07/06/2012

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do not do it, if she has a good rapport with your children and would like to spend time with them then your ex and she need to discuss this with you, not as your ex has decreed. you need to be comfortable about it, why don't you suggest a play date at a local park where you are in attendance, or a lunch. .

Wendy - posted on 09/16/2009

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God no. Do you know this woman. If he cant be there for the children on his share time then I believe he should just forfiet it. Case closed move on.

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48 Comments

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Alexandra - posted on 09/18/2014

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You are correct,

Without a court ordering you to provide his scheduled time, to his girlfriend, she has no rights to take your children. She shouldn't even be involved with the children while he is away.

You are protecting your children the correct way.

Joananne - posted on 11/12/2013

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No, oh my God no Way, what kind of man is your ex, what a loser, no no no, I don't care even if she is Nice. NO, DO NOT hand your kids over, EVER to his Partners whilst HE is away, crazy, disgusted that he asked you!!

Danniel - posted on 02/26/2013

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My situation was similar to yours! My daughters father works weekend nights. He goes in at six and usually gets off around 10:30-11. At first I was like no way in hell! I got to know the girlfriend and started feeling more comfortable. Now when my daughter goes over there every other weekend she is with her dad till he goes to work and stays with his girlfriend until he gets home. I have no problem with this now only because I call the girlfriend and check on my daughter twice a day and I get along really good with his girlfriend. If it was longer than a few hours a day I'd definitely say no! Definitely not weeks at a time with just the girlfriend!! You should not feel guilty or let him bully you!! Especially if an order is involved! Even if he did take you to court to have the order adjusted if still tell the judge what he wants and tell them you will never be comfortable! Good luck!

Tracy - posted on 09/15/2009

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You are exactly right. HE has the time, if he's not home no way should the kids be there. She is not their mother, you are. How would that look to your kids to drop them off by a "babysiter"? Stand strong on this one!!!

Samantha - posted on 09/15/2009

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Do not give him an inch on this, it's insane for him to expect you to hand over your kids to some stranger and yes she is a stranger lol shes having the relationship with him not you. His responsibility is to be fulfilled by him alone, not to just pass your kids off to whoever while he gets on and does his own thing.

Sara - posted on 09/15/2009

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I would agree with the other mothers as well. My babies dad tried getting me to do the same thing but i told him no! So U go girl!!!

Annette - posted on 09/15/2009

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Quoting Janine:



Quoting Linga:

GIRL! you are totally in the right! These ex's have all seemed to have lost their minds! My ex husband asked me if it was ok if his new gf picked up our kids from school when there was an emergency! UNBELIEVABLE!






I just wanted to say that if the significant other in your childs life has been there for a while and they all show love and respect for one and other than i see no problem in allowing the partner of your ex to pick the kids up from school or be there for them in an emergency if one or both parents cannot get there in time.  I will quickly add again that i dont think she should hand the kids over to the girlfriend in this circumstance.  I have been with my partner for 3 years and he is an emergency contact and was one after 1 and a half years there abouts.  But again, that is only if one or both parents cannot be there at that time.  It is always sensible to have a responsible back up in those occurences dont you think?





yea, I might agree that in the case of an emergency and NOONE else on our emergency list is available to pick up, sure, ok. but I'd be more accepting of it if, say, they were married. obviously then she would be a permanent family member to our kid and I would treat her as such. I guess I just have a hard time letting someone who isn't a family member take care of my son during really important times. I certainly wouldn't put my bf on that emergency list unless we were married.

Janine - posted on 09/15/2009

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Quoting Linga:

GIRL! you are totally in the right! These ex's have all seemed to have lost their minds! My ex husband asked me if it was ok if his new gf picked up our kids from school when there was an emergency! UNBELIEVABLE!



I just wanted to say that if the significant other in your childs life has been there for a while and they all show love and respect for one and other than i see no problem in allowing the partner of your ex to pick the kids up from school or be there for them in an emergency if one or both parents cannot get there in time.  I will quickly add again that i dont think she should hand the kids over to the girlfriend in this circumstance.  I have been with my partner for 3 years and he is an emergency contact and was one after 1 and a half years there abouts.  But again, that is only if one or both parents cannot be there at that time.  It is always sensible to have a responsible back up in those occurences dont you think?

Janine - posted on 09/15/2009

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You are right in your actions! If he cannot parent your children because he is away, (a) it is not this other womans responsibiltiy and (b) she is NOT a parent. You are legally well within your means to not hand these children over and as such have no obligation to do so. Maybe he should have chosen not to go away if he wanted the children at his house but that is the choice he made be it work or fun. The kids would be more stable and happier with you anyway. Bottom line - not a damn thing he can do about it!

Candi - posted on 09/15/2009

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um, NO!!! why should you? visitation is for the parents to spend time with the children. NOT the significant other to. At the risk of causing problems, tell him to take you to court if he wants to push it. No judge is going to make you hand your kid over to your ex's SO. That being said, IF your child wants to go, i'd say what's the harm IF they're old enough to decide that on their own (say teenager).

Janet - posted on 09/15/2009

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You are absolutely in the RIGHT! The custody agreement is between you and the kids' father and no one else. I am in a similar predicament, however, where my kids' dad is always having his parents take care of the kids during his parenting time. I haven't said anything about it, and I can't prove which dates and during which times he does this, but I know it's true because my kids tell me that they spend the night over at their grandparents. In fact, their grandparents get the kids off to school on his days because he starts work so early. It irks me but I'm not sure I can do anything about it.

Linga - posted on 09/15/2009

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GIRL! you are totally in the right! These ex's have all seemed to have lost their minds! My ex husband asked me if it was ok if his new gf picked up our kids from school when there was an emergency! UNBELIEVABLE!

Tara - posted on 09/15/2009

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yes girl you are in the right. the order is between you and him and that is final there is nothing else to say about it. if you don't want to hand your child over to anyone else except the father you should not have to in fact you don't have to at all. he is not gonna be there so then it becomes your decision t make if you want to leave your child with daddy's girlfriend. you are not wrong.

Elizabeth - posted on 09/15/2009

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I would like to thank u all for the comments. the gf was my best friend she moved in on my husband., while I went out with the girls from work for a get together she would come over and drink with him. So she had it in mind right from the word go that she would take over my family. I have asked the kids about staying with her while dad is away they said its ok for a day but they want their dad and that they don't like it. Well I did not take the kids back. He must have spoken with his lawyer because the next thing I know he is home on the Saturday the day before I was to take them back. He took himself off of the course he was on with the Army and flew back home. As my lawyer said that I did not have to give the children back unless he was there. I finally gave the children back on Tues afternoon once I felt comfortable that he was going to be here. He also had to present himself to me to show that he was still here, as he was calling from his mobile and u can be anywhere so to know that he was here in town then he had to be there when I handed the children over. So thank u for all your support it has given me great hope that I was doing the right things and to know that I was not alone. So a big thank u to all

Jaime - posted on 09/14/2009

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i am now a single mom...but while i was with my bf (who had a daughter from before) i took the little girl with me all the time. he worked on saturdays when she came and i had her....we went on holidays and my bf stayed for a week then went home to work and i stayed with his daughter and our son and my parents came up too ..



so i had her for a week with the dad.....i didnt think there was anything wrong with it.....if i wanted to be apart of his family i needed to accept her and i was playing mommy with her.. we were a family until very recently...



and i said our kids when i was talking to strangers...didnt feel that it was wrong

if that women is apart of their dads lives and he trust her with your kids.. and you trust him with your kids then you should trust your decision and if the kids want to go with her.............she now is their family..........................

[deleted account]

While you are correct in thinking that, legally, you are in the right to deny the children access to their father's home while he is away, I tend to agree with Rashida. It is important to take your childrens' feelings into account because it is their lives that will be disrupted if you change things. Are they bonded to her? Is she good with/to them? Do they have friends at their father's house? These are all questions you should ask them. Also having a heart to heart with the ex and his girlfriend is good to find out if she even wants the responsibility for a full week at a time.

I am sure that you have hurt feelings over how things turned out between you and your ex but it is important to remember that we are the adults in the situation and the children did not ask for things to turn out this way, so keeping things as normal as possible is important.

I have been on both ends the mom and the girl friend and I have to say that the most important aspect of your situation is to think of how your children will feel and if they will be safe. If you come to the conclusion that they will benefit from maintaining the same schedule, be sure to have appropriate protocols in place in case of emergency. Depending on the ages of your children, maybe have dad get a special trac phone for them to use to call you as they please.

As the mom, I had to be without my girls for three to six months at a time and trusted them to tell me when/if enough was enough since the gf was the one who cared for them most of the time. As the gf I always made sure to ask his girls (yes two girls in both cases) if they would rather spend time with their mothers or hang with me until their dad came home.

You will have to be the judge of it as you are mom, it ultimately all depends on what type of relationship they have with her and how comfortable you feel about leaving them with her. Good luck with your situation!

Rashida - posted on 09/14/2009

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I have mixed feeling on this. I do agree with you in not feeling comfortable handing your children over. That 1 week can feel like a month. Especially if you and his gf are not cordial. On the other hand, you stated that they have lived together for at least 1 yr, which means during the time your children spend with their dad, she is also apart of their lives. Have you asked your children how they feel about her? How she treats them? A nice bond could have been formed in that yr. Go with your instints.....cuz you should be comfortable with the situation. Maybe if the kids like her, and she does not mind......you could let them go for like 2 days and then come back home. It has to start somewhere.

Regina - posted on 09/14/2009

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I agree with you and all the other mum's, you are so in the right for not handing your children over to the girlfriend. It was nice of your ex to ask you though, Ive known of dad's to secretly play happy families with their new girlfriends and children, on the sly without their ex's even knowing

Pauline - posted on 09/13/2009

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I wouldn't. I'd have to really know the person and trust them 100% with my child. Even then, like you say, only the parents are allowed to be involved. And moreover you just don't know what could happen. Seek other help...daycare perhaps.

[deleted account]

If i were you i would make certain of the wording in your parenting order. Although in reality, why in the WORLD should his girlfriend spend a week with your child instead of their mother? right? BUT... if you disobey a court order and deny access there may be huge consequences... contempt of court, fines etc.. for example, in my court order it states 'either parent may arrange for acceptable child care in their abscence during their parenting time'. Meaning... if i go to drop my daughter off for the weekend and he's out of town and only his gf is there... oh well.... it sucks, but thats whats i our order. Also, do you have a 'right of first refusal clause'? many lower conflict cases will include this clause which means that, if he is unable to care for your child, you have the right of first choice to care for her instead. not his gf. Unfourtunately, the court system is far from perfect, so you may end up having to do something completely ridiculuos like leave ur kid with his gf for a week. If this continues to be a problem for you, like if he is out of town all the time or whatever, go ahead and file a motion with the court to add a 'right of first refusal clause'. Keep in mind, tho, you will also have to honor that when you can't watch ur kid during ur time..

Heather - posted on 09/13/2009

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I'm with you Elizabeth! I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that. The purpose of visitation is to visit with the parent, not to be with whomever the significant other is. Of course, legally, I'm not sure how that works either. But if they're not married and he's gone, it would make sense that the kids stay with you until he returns then the schedule returns to normal.

Gisa - posted on 09/13/2009

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Hi Elizabeth, your have every right not to give you kids to the girlfriend of your ex. If he disagrees let the courts decide. It will be ruled in your favor. Your ex is just testing you, and that is why he is making this request. You are the mother of the children, the girlfriend has no involvement in the raising of the children. Let him know that you will fight this out in court if need be, but you will not give the children to someone you do not know. You are the parent of the children, your ex is not even going to be there to have parenting time with the children.

Hope that helps

April - posted on 09/12/2009

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He must be an idiot to think you should feel obligated to hand your kids over to some gal that isn't even family. Is this a joke? lol

Jen - posted on 09/12/2009

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Yes, the agreement you have is between you and him, not his girlfriend. The agreement is designed to allow them to see HIM, and if he is not there, it is not quality time with him. However, it also does not give you the break that is intended to either, so if it something that he will be doing routinely, you may want to adjust the agreement accordingly.

You are 100% in the right for not bringing the children over there. He is the one defaulting on the agreement, and trying to make you feel guilty for it. Hard as it may be, do not let him make you feel bad for his actions. You are the one in the right. :)

Jennifer - posted on 09/12/2009

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wow it's good to know I'm not the only only with a crazy ex. Absolutly do not let them go. You are mom and he is dad and they don't need a babysitter (which would be gf). I am continually going through the same thing myself, he thinks that I should just agree that they be there even when he's not.....I don't think so, only bad things can come from that situation. Be strong, don't give in.

Amanda - posted on 09/11/2009

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yup your definetly right. she has no rights to your child. his time is so he can spend time with his child.. not so she can play mommy in happy family.

Jen - posted on 09/11/2009

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I have been working with lawyers for years over custody issues, and I can guarantee you that you are 100% in the right to NOT give your child to his girlfriend. There really isn't even a question, legally speaking. So he can suck it!!

Lisa - posted on 09/11/2009

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Yes you are in the right ! omg I would never hand over my child to someone who my daughters dad is dating i watch nancy grace and there is a little girl missing and the last person to see her was her step mother ! who was just her dads girlfriend at the time she came up missing and they dont know where the girl is I cant trust someone with my child enless they are my family or close friends who i have known for a long time !

Jobie - posted on 09/11/2009

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I actually have to deal with something similar. My ex works a swing shift position. And even though he is not there to even see his kids, he thinks I should give them to his girlfriend. I refuse! In our paperwork it says if the one parent is gone for more than 8 hours, then the person who should be watching our kids is the other parent. So I don't even let them go to his house if he's working. She is not their parent and shouldn't get parenting time with them.

Linda - posted on 09/11/2009

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wot a cheek how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot, consent order is between u and him not u him and every other tom dick or harry. Tell him to jump.

Billie - posted on 09/11/2009

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Your ex is completely out of his freaking mind!!! He's breaking your agreement by leaving during the time that he is supposed to have them. You have no responsibility to hand your children over to his ex. Stick to your guns and don't give it a second thought!

Carly - posted on 09/11/2009

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Yes definatly i would never hand my children over to myex partners gf i no way the order only states for you two to have rights no one else she is not the parent so no way he is not going to be there so no like shanythia said if he wants her involved then he needs to get that on paper as well there is nothing he can do about it!

Shanythia - posted on 09/10/2009

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i say yes. you're not coming from a good place in doing so too, you're not an "evil baby mama" for not giving your kids to the girlfriend, she's not the parent and like you said, the consent orders support your action. if he wants her included in the handover, get an agreement on paper so there's no misunderstandings.

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