Ex wants to give up ALL parenting rights to me

Cathy - posted on 01/11/2010

Well for me, if he doesn't want to be in his little girl than it's his loss. You can't make him want to be there. As for tell her, wait till she's older and tell her the truth. That you love her and are there for her forever. But he didn't want to be around. Let her know it's not her fault, but he made a choice. Maybe he just wants to get out of child support????

Christine - posted on 01/10/2010

if he is Abusive in alot of ways its best for ur daughter to not see her to be honist. My ex wont give his rights up at all and at times I do wish he did because of his lies and her comen back to me with a dipper rash most the time, also to small of pants or shirts on and i got witnesses.

Janae - posted on 01/10/2010

I am a single mother and my baby's father won't even turn over his rights!!! Let him do it His loss not yours!!!

Susana - posted on 01/10/2010

A person that really loves will not abuse the people he loves. I was in an abusive relataionship, but because I loved my son sooo much I ended the abusive relationship. I wanted my son to grow up in a non violent enviroment. Let him give you all rights. My son's dad did and it was one of the best things he could have done for the both of us. Don't get me wrong he still has to pay child support. As far as you explaining to your daughter. Let time do it's thing. Don't talk negative about her dad, as time goes by explain to her little by little, and when she is old enough to understand then tell her how beneficial it was for all of you.

Alana - posted on 01/09/2010

if it means protecting you and your baby,, let him, you both deserve better, dont go on dealing with it thinking it will change.. it never will trust me.. been there.. and if she starts asking questions just explain to her in terms that she will understand that if you didnt leave that she would have gotten hurt..let him give up his rights while he is willing to that way you dont have to fight later, make sure it is done legally tho... most important..
GOOOD LUCK

Madelyn - posted on 01/09/2010

You may very well be able to get sole custody with no visitations, but unless you have a husband willing to adopt your daughter, you will not be able to strip him of his rights.
He will have to pay child support, but he will still legally be her father and IF he chose, could take you to court for access to her at any point. There is no state that will just allow a father to relinquish his responsibilities without someone else ready to take them on.

In some cases the courts will strip a parent of their rights and responsibilities, but its generally in cases where the parent was abusive towards the CHILD. Not the mother.

As far as deciding when and what to tell your daughter, I'd say wait till you find out what he really intends, and what happens in the future, because its very early yet, and things WILL change. You just don't know how yet. Good luck...

Andrea - posted on 01/09/2010

He wants to give up his parental rights because that ensures that he will not have to pay child support. He can stay away from you and your daughter, but he needs to be a man and be supportive financially if nothing else. As for visitation -- accompanied ONLY. About you and him --- run. Run as fast as you can .....

Connie - posted on 01/09/2010

Quoting monica:

take it, take it, take it!!!!!!!!! he will hurt your daughter like he has hurt you. she doesnt need a dad, she only needs u.

Monica, It's not true that a child doesn't need a father, it does take a mother and father to create the child and in God's perfect design a child is meant to have both partents. However, it is true that she doesn't need an abusive father.

Connie - posted on 01/09/2010

How it seems I'm not the only one going through nearly the same thing. I have 5 kids, 22, 14, 13, 12, and 9; and their dad has only seen them a hand full of times since we separated in Oct '08. He uses the exact same excuse too! "It's just too hard"...it's a cop out on his behalf, same with your ex!!! And a way to continue to try and control us.

My parents divorced when I was in high school and my dad has pretty much chosen to live his life separate from us kids. Though I know that's not the same as you loosing your father at the age of 4, I too didn't want my kids to feel the pain of not having their dad in their lives. Their dad always threatened that if we separated he'd have nothing to do with our kids, which I know he did cuz he knew the pain I felt when my dad did pretty much the same thing. It was a tool he used to keep me with him for as long as I was which was 15 years.

It's too bad these men have chosen this, but we can't force them to want to be a part of their children's lives. As for telling your daughter when she grows up, cross that bridge when you come to it. You don't have to initiate the question, if she ever brings it up try to be honest without sharing your personal feelings of her dad with her. Being that she's only a year old, she probably won't remember him anyway, and by the time she may ask about him you could find yourself with someone else who loves your daughter as much as you do.

I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers, Anne.
Connie

Dawn - posted on 01/09/2010

First of all, he's been verbally and sexually abusive? He might do that to her! Let him relinquish his rights, FOR SURE! I work in the legal field, and I will tell you, living in Florida, I know for a fact that judges WILL NOT allow him to terminate his rights if you're not financially secure or remarried. I'm not sure where you reside, but that might be the case for you too. Look into that.

If your daughter is one now, she won't know any different. I am a single mom of two kids. My son had just turned two, and I was pregnant with my daughter when he left. He has not been in the picture at all, and to be quite honest, it's a lot easier that way. They understand and have adjusted extremely, although I'm not sure there was much to adjust to!

Your daughter might ask for dada a few times, but will extremely quickly forget. Horrible thing to say, but it's reality, and this is probably the least of the two evils. Not to mention, your ex seems to be a game-player. It's time to grow up and make long-term decisions, both of you. Look to the future.

Kara - posted on 01/09/2010

Def. take it!! My Son's dad hasn't seen him since he was 18 months old, and I would jump at the chance if he wanted to give up all rights to my son. Less confusing on rights while you bring up your daughter, it will be your decisions that count, and he may well change his mind later?

Monica - posted on 01/09/2010

take it, take it, take it!!!!!!!!! he will hurt your daughter like he has hurt you. she doesnt need a dad, she only needs u.

Shelby - posted on 01/06/2010

IF the state will allow it, take that chance!!! in my state they won't allow a parent to do that though, unless there's someone else to step into that role.

but if he's abusive, he shouldn't be around her. she shouldn't grow up thinking that's normal. she'll end up finding someone like him.

i left my daughter's father when she was a year old. it was a bad situation. he hasn't seen her since, because he doesn't want to see her supervised (as is court ordered). i will tell her something when she's older. the truth, but not the details. i still haven't figured out exactly what yet. but i'm going to wait for her to ask about it.

Terralyn - posted on 01/06/2010

Take it please for your daughter's sake. I lived with an abusive spouse for 6.5 years. He was emotionally, sexually and physically abusive. Ii finally left him and got custody of my kids then he asked for and got visitation rights, not so he could spend time with the kids, he would take them to his place for the weekend and ignore them totally. he was a start down the emotionally abusive path he used on me. believe me I'd love it if he'd give up his rights and stop hurting my children just to get at me. Please if take the out he is giving you it is more likely than not the best option for your daughter. When she is older she can make the choice if she wants him in her life but until then you have an opportunity to protect her from a lot of pain. I would have him in court and make it legal before he had a chance ot change his mind.

Gina - posted on 01/05/2010

Take it!!! Better now than later. That puts all of the power and control in your corner and you will need it. Tell your daughter what I told my son, "you're father wasn't ready to be a father yet."

Lynn - posted on 01/04/2010

You have no control over his behavior. If he chooses to do that, he will have to answer to her when she grows up. You say that he has been abusive to you and I believe this is a new ploy to get back into your life. My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. He has joint (50%) custody of our daughter and has used that to make my life a living hell. He sued me for child support and won because I make a few thousand dollars a year more than he does.. He has created a lot of drama on transfer days by calling the police to my home. Now that our daughter is a teenager, he has decided to share skewed details of our relationship with her in an effort to turn her against me. It's been a very ugly few years now. It might be best for you to let him go. You do not want negativity around your daughter and you certainly do not want her growing up seeing him disrespect you. If you remarry, your new husband may be all the things to her that your ex is unable to be...

Monica - posted on 12/30/2009

Let him give up his rights. Just because he does doesn't mean you can't let him see his daughter in the future if he's willing, but the choice will be yours, not his. The last thing you want is someone who is willing to be a father one minute and not a father the next. He may (and probably will) change his mind in the future, but it might be too little, too late because your daughter is more valuable than that. She deserves someone that wants to be her dad, and by him giving up his rights, your opening up that option. Whether you like it or not, eventually she is going to ask why she doesn't have a Daddy, but my personal opinion is that it doesn't have to be a conversation up until that point, and even then, I would only explain why you two aren't together anymore, because just coming straight out and saying "your dad gave up his rights to you" I would see more as you trying to promote bad feelings towards her dad which is NEVER any good. Kids are smarter than we credit them for sometimes, and they can figure who loves them and who doesn't without us adding to the mix. Usually promoting negative thoughts about a parent backfires because kids start to feel just as much resentment towards the person speaking poorly about one of their parents, which would isolate her and that's not what you want. That person is half her, so if they're so bad, what does that say about her. I know how much it hurts growing up not understanding why your dad wouldn't want you, that was my situation, but I had a wonderful adoptive father, and so eventually you get to an age where you realize you DID have a Daddy, and then pain turns simply to curiosity. She'll be OK, she has a mommy that loves her so much that she's willing to put her baby's needs before her own. That's all she needs!

Catherine - posted on 12/29/2009

Run as fast as you can to the courthouse and file what you need to get this done a.s.a.p.!!! Your child will understand when shes older. You will have a much easier life without him around.

Jessica - posted on 12/29/2009

I could only wish for that. I grew up without a dad and I am just fine. Let him walk away. Focus on just your child. What will stop him from being abusive to your child?

Candi - posted on 12/28/2009

not just all parenting rights but all RESPONSIBILITIES as well!!! i'd say you don't let him do it. but also, with the history of abuse you are talking about, i'd say he shouldn't see your daughter until he gets some counseling and maybe, only under supervision! here's hoping for your daughter's sake, he does change his mind later and he gets help for his issues so he can be the kind of loving father your daughter deserves.

Emilie - posted on 12/28/2009

I'm not in your shoes, so I don't know what you should do. If he is abusive to you, he likely will be to her as well when she is older. It is heartbreaking that he would do that, but it might be what is best for everyone. I may be biased - I wish that my ex (who is NOT interested in being a parent) would agree to give up his rights. Even if he does give up his rights, you can still let him see her - but it will be totally up to you. There is definitely a lot to consider. Good luck!

Karen - posted on 12/28/2009

Let him give up his rights. He has at least sense enough to realize he has a serious and potentially dangerous problem. You can explain it to your child when she is old enough to understand her daddy loved her enough to stay away from potentially hurting you and her. If he pursues help in this matter and is able to change, you can re-evaluate. But for now, move on with your life and keep yourself and your daughter out of harms way.

Marisa - posted on 12/28/2009

Wow, this is a tough situation to be in. Being that he has been sexually and verbally abusive, and the EXCUSE (that's all it is) that he LOVES you too much to see his daughter, then do it. Let him sign the rights away. He may change his mind later, then you'd have a fight on your hands. With your child being so small, good chance she won't remember her father. When she gets older and you feel it's right, then you can tell her, I would wait until she is mature enough to handle what you're telling her. I grew up without my father and my mom remarried a total jerk so I had a crppy step-father. The positive side is that you can find a GREAT male role model for your daughter. I would just make sure if you take him up on his offer that you do it legally through the courts so there is no problems later. It's honorable that you still try to let him see her but he sounds like a no good person. What "father" would voluntarily give up his rights. Just do it! Good luck to you!

Susan - posted on 12/28/2009

I wish my ex would do that, he never wanted children and I did. 3 Years later we headed for a divorce and up until 7 months ago never really did much with his son who is now 8 years old and his father and new wife to be want custody and the child is afraid of what the courts will make him do. I tried to make him sign off, I have been the only real parent in his life.

Melissa - posted on 12/27/2009

Let him give up his rights..Cause if he has been sexually abusive ur little girl doesn't need a father like that..And yes you will be able to find a good man to be there for you and her..Let him go right out of ur life and ur little girls..

Keira - posted on 12/27/2009

TAKE IT!!!!... i wish i was as lucky as you are to have his father give up rights..but i would wait for the abandonment period to pass before i did..because he will support my son no matter what!

Frances - posted on 12/27/2009

i say tkae it too! and count your blessings. if he can even say that he would like to relinquish parental rights,what he is really saying is that he does not give a toss about your child anyway. and look at it this way,rather than most of us here(an im just assuming) who have to constantly suffer with a an ex-in-the-picture, you can start afresh without all the drama. but like i always say,trust your intstincts.Good Luck

Mercedes - posted on 12/27/2009

Take it...It will be better for her if she is not around a man like that.

Sarahlynn - posted on 12/26/2009

Speaking from experience, you should let him give up his rights. If he was abusive to you then how do you think that he will be with your child when you are not there for him to abuse? He could turn his abuse on her. My childrens father was sexually, physically, and emotionally absuive. Once I left him I aloud him visitation and he hurt my children.
I myself grew up without a father. He left when I was 2 and was in and out of my life for the years to follow. My mother never discussed it with me and I blamed her bc I didnt know the real reasons. So I would suggest that when your child starts asking questions that you answer them as they come but do not be dishonest or misleading.
You cant force him to be a father. ANd it sounds to me that he will just use your daughter to get to you. Let him give up his rights and you raise her to be the woman that you know she can be. I am sure that you are a wonderful mother. And as horrible as it is to grow up without a father its even worse to grow up with an abusive father or one that just plain doesnt want you!

Nancy - posted on 12/26/2009

hello anne my name is nancy and I too grew up without a father, my daughter's father gave up his rights on her. He now just got out of prison and now he wants to see her after not seeing her for almost 3 yrs. My daughter will be 5yrs old in jan. she knws that he is her dad but does not call him daddy. He was very abusive to me that is why we are divorced and he went to prison. It took me a long time but the best thing i can do for my daughter is to keep him away from her. sometimes as mother's we hve to choose things that are the right thing to do for our children even tho it may be painfull. but in the long run its for the best. as for me I would tell your daughter when she is old enough to understand. she will understand if u explain it to her and be honest with her. If u lie and dont tell her then when she does find out it will cause alot of heartache. I hope that i helped u. I hope that i offered some good advise.

Delia - posted on 12/26/2009

itis better heathy to have you daughter with you beside her dad.. abausive not good for her to learn and be around. she can sense whenyou hurt and she act out ecause she doesnt know it s effecting her.. take a while trust me going to be worth it .. it betterfor you to have it all and get child support

Vicki - posted on 12/26/2009

Anne;
I myself grew up without my biological father. I respect your point of view, BUT I think it is very important for you to consider the possibility that this man may eventually end up abusing your daughter (and his) too. Only YOU can decide if you and your daughter are going to be safe, actually, you already know the answer. You have much to decide. I do not envy your position. You may want to check out this link: http://www.newbeginningsnh.org/domesticv... ( please note it is based in New Hampshire) Please feel free to friend request.
~Peace

Jackie - posted on 12/26/2009

I have sole custody of my 2 sons... and I wouldn't have it any other way.. I have devoted my life to them, retired from work to be there for them whenever they need me.. kids need to know they have at least one parent whom they can depend on and love them unconditionally... like the others said TAKE IT!

Jennifer - posted on 12/26/2009

I know what you are going through, and believe me TAKE IT!!! If he is willing to give up his rights to your child then take it, especially if he is abusive!!! Think of how you would feel if he transferred that to your little girl! Nothing would be worse for you or her than that. Take him up on it as fast as you can and go right to the court house. Dont give him time to change his mind. Good luck to you honey :) Best wishes to you and your little angel.

Raechel - posted on 12/26/2009

my daughters father left when i was 3 months pregnant. she has no idea who her real dad is but i think her life is better not know he was abusive as well and she doesnt deserve to have that in her life. she is now 5 and her "dad" is my boyfriend of 3 years. she doesnt know the difference. I saved pics of her dad if she ever asks someday but other than that i would leave him alone. good luck to you :)

Kelly - posted on 12/26/2009

I would be thrilled if my ex would give up all rights. I do have sole custody.. You can always let her see him if he gets help and changes. If not, she's better off not being exposed to a possible threat, even if it is her father.
they can reconcile later. Just do the best you can and I'm sure she'll turn out fine..

Tammy - posted on 12/26/2009

A man that will love you both

Tammy - posted on 12/26/2009

If he was Sexually and Verbally Abusive to you . There is Achance he could be the same way with your daughter, Your Child derives Better,And maybe by him giveing up his rights it God way of keeping her safe God has a plan for her and you and it not her real dad . But A that will love you both the way God wants you to be loved. and she older and aks tell her that her father was not ready to be a Daddy.

April - posted on 12/26/2009

Here's another point on this issue. ABUSIVE men like to play head games. He states that he loves you and loves you so much he is willing to sign his rights away. In his sick and twisted mind, he wants you to beg him and say no. He is using your emotions to get his way. Instead, like the other ladies have said, think about your CHILD. Put her first. Transference definately happens!

Let him do it ASAP!

Karrie - posted on 12/25/2009

i have to agree let him sign his rights away. in some states you can still get child support. and if he has ben sexually abusive and you continue to let him spend time with her you had better make sure that his visits are strickly supervised otherwise you could get into trouble for child indangerment. besides why would you want a sexual preditar being near your daughter. my oldest brother molested me when we were kids and i havent seen him other then funnerals since i was 17 and my kids have never met him. they understand why they cant see him but i have also told them that when they are 18 it is their choice. my other brother on the other hand visits him with his three kids. he has also lied to his wife for years about what happened.
just remember that you are the only one who can protect that little girl right now and she is depending on you to do what is in her best intrest. i am always avalible to talk to anyone about child molestation i feel that after 6 years of abuse and a lifetime of healing i am almost an expert on the subject.

Catherine - posted on 12/25/2009

i know how you feel i'm going through the same thing with my son.

Melissa - posted on 12/25/2009

I understand completely!! My Dad was hit by a car when I was 1. My mom died when I was 15. My husband died when our son was 2 and my 2nd husband wanted nothing to do with our daughter from age 2 on. . She is now 14 and happy. Yes, she understands loss more than most kids and doesn't get why dad doesn't want to be in her life. But as your experience, he was VERY VERBALLY and physically abusive. I think you should use your best judgement, but me personally it has been a blessing to NOT have my kids around the BAD of the 2nd Dad.. We couldn't change the death of my 1st husband. You tell her age appropriate responses to why Daddy is gone. For us... The abusive dad went to prison.. I didn't tell her until she was old enough to REALLY understand that and to not tell people, as they would judge HER... I feel sad for you and if you want to talk more I am open to that, as I am on the OTHER end of the ages.. My kids are now 20 and 14.. (also last name of Berry, lol)

Lyndsay - posted on 12/25/2009

What scares me, is if he can be verbally abusive towards you, while he loves you and cares about you. What would stop him from someday doing that to your daughter? For your safety and your child, I would take it. If you love him too, maybe he could get help?

Morgan - posted on 12/24/2009

omg I feel horrible for you right now but I have a similar but different situation. My ex was sexually and verbally and sometimes physically abusive, he even stalked me when I first left him. He has visitation rights to our daughter who is 3 yrs. old now. I think he only sees her to get at me. My parents are divorced and I grew up with my mom and didn't see much of my father. My mom was not honest with me. She did not tell me what kind of man my father was and I ended up having a child with a similar type of man. If he wants a relationship with your daughter then fine but he can still do that after he gives up his rights. If this man leaves your daughter's life forever it is because he chooses too and there is nothing you can do about that, but let him sign his rights to you bc one day you will meet a man that truly loves you and your child (as I have) and you will want to have a life with him and this way he can adopt your child so that if something ever happens to you that man that was there for you both and raised your child will have custody not the man that walked away! See, right now mine won't give up his rights so if something happened to me my daughter would be given to my ex not my fiance and we are expecting a child which means she would have to grow up apart from her sibling and after something so traumatic be thrown it to a more traumatic situation by having to live with someone she barely knows. Most importantly be honest with your child about who her biological father really is bc the only person you are protecting by not being honest is him. I know one day I will have to tell her about her father and why I am not with him and what he put me through but especially for our daughters we have to do this because we don't want them to go through the things. Good luck and congrats you get to start a new life with your beautiful little girl!!

KENYA - posted on 12/24/2009

pray before u make a decision. all we need and problems take to god first before u make any decision in ur life . sexual abuse is a very hard issue to deal with alone besides physical abuse . im going through the aftermath of this as well and family is not supportive and look at me differently . keep praying pray with ur daughter . eliminate excesss garbage in ur life so you can think .add me if u have questions or just contact me or add me to ur circle. peace be unto you.

Lydia - posted on 12/23/2009

Hey1..i knw exactly what you mean. i jst got out of a very abusive relationship with my daughters father..i hear the whole i LOVE you way to much bla bla bla all the time...but frankly if you love someone you'll never abuse them..i knw you dont want your daughter to grow up without a father...i think the same thing!! but my daughter hits me bites me swears at me and shes only 2 yrs old.. she does this because she sees her father doing it...so i think its best to let things be..for now anyway!!

Angela - posted on 12/23/2009

allow him to do it. its in the best interest of your daughter. if at the age of maturity she decides to find her father then you let him explain why he gave away his rights to her. just raise your daughter to be the best she can be and let god work out the details later.

Alyssa - posted on 12/23/2009

Keep in mind too that if you have your child in a abusive environment or around an abusive person and you are aware of this, the state could try to remove her from you

Sharon - posted on 12/23/2009

My ex-husband walked away from the kids 6 years ago i have full custody of both teenagers 14 and 13 years old. but it was not good for awhile for them. I tired very hard to make up for the loss. Good Luck!

Betty - posted on 12/23/2009

if he is sexually and verbally abusing you, did you ever consider that when your daughter gets older, he could do that to her?? Its called transference if he cant do it to you he will find the closest thing. DO IT for your daughters sake, please! If not you will have problems in the long run.