father visation rights..

Janellika - posted on 03/02/2010 ( 99 moms have responded )

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is it wrong for me not to let the father of my son not see him if he is not paying childsupport? even though he is ordered to.. and also in another fact he only wants to see him when he wants which is maybe once every 2months.. so i need some advice on this one.

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Vicky - posted on 03/04/2010

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Janellika, It's a difficult situation when raising a child alone. Even more so when the father is hurting the child by trying to hurt you. I'm not familiar with the laws of other states, however, in Texas, child support and child visitation are two separate issues and are not dependent on one another. This means that, even if the father were to not pay child support, he would still have access to visit his child.
What wasn't mentioned was the background on this situation - is there legal paperwork? Has he been ordered to pay child support? While I'm sure your reasons for wanting to withhold visitation is valid, if these orders are in place, you could be liable for punitive action (being fined and/or jail time). As mentioned earlier, if there is an obvious and direct danger to the child if visitation is allowed, by all means you'd bring more harm to your child by allowing this to happen. It's a fine line you're treading.
My advise, if there are no court orders, is to seriously weigh the options available to you. Most states still favor the mother retaining custody of the child, though there are father's rights advocates that would LOVE to make an "example" out of this case to further their cause. If you need the money, consider other options available to you as far as adding to your income or making this more economic for you. Document EVERY call he makes regarding his child and EVERY time you allow visitation or when he requests visitation. If you have a documented history and you do decide to take this to court, you'll be better prepared to show WHY he shouldn't be allowed visitation. Keep in mind, though, that your personal feelings towards him are not the court's concern. What's important for them is what's best for the child; and even they have their own agendas to push. You are your son's best advocate (even lawyers are limited in this knowledge) and it's completely up to you. Good luck and best wishes.

Patience Gagonowe - posted on 06/25/2012

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i think you should allow him to see the child because it will be for the benefit of the child. Until then when the child is old enough to make his/her own decision allow the kid to see his/her father

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Kathleen - posted on 02/21/2014

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no matter how little the father contributes in time or money, the child will only suffer if you keep him away. In some societies the welfare of the child depends completely on the mother. It is your continued need, dependence, or revenge on him that makes you feel like something is lacking. Assume the complete responsibiity yourself and quit expecting water from a rock. You will quit being angry and will no longer neeed to punish him by withholding his childs love. I observe that in most cases the mother pretends that it is concern for her chld when the dad doesn't pay, but it is more realistic that she is upset because she is not getting paid. Take that away, and be responsible totally for yourself and your child. But if you do anything either outright or passively by your muttered under your breath statements that you know your child hears, all it will do is turn the child secretly against you for preventing love from Daddy. I cried in the bathroom upstairs muffling my sobs in the bathrobes handing on the back of the door out of misery because my mother was a barrier to having my dad. children need and wants their parents more than anything else in this world. If necessary the dad can answer to God someday for his irresponsibility. It is not your job. I have grandchildren now and my mother is dead and I still suffer the loss of my fathers attention she caused because after all she thought "right is right. Do not be selfish and quit looking for sympathy from other custodial parents who never learned to separate their own needs but the childs. You don't have to love, or even like the Dad, but get out of the way or you will be forever deemed a barrier.

Heather - posted on 02/21/2014

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I need advice. My daughter is 6 yo. Her father doesn't pay child support unless he's court ordered which only lasts 3 months. He gets visitation and basically plays with her every other weekend. I'm signing her up for softball and he says he can't get her there in the weekends he has her. Now in my opinion, he doesn't do anything else. The least he could do is get her to games. How can i make him step up? I live Tennessee. What can I do to get him to be a Dad or get lost? Thus is only one of many issues. I have tried bring nice and getting along for my daughters sake but Damnit he can't even make sure she does her homework. Its Ridiculous

Janet - posted on 02/01/2014

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My child's father is the same way he won't pay child support.but except for he claims he wants to see her but makes no effort to!! I think you could ask the child do they want to go spend time with them... But I've just recently decided if I can't get no help then He have no right

Jade - posted on 12/06/2013

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Sorry for intruding but you all seem too know what your talking about. I'm eight weeks away from giving birth too mine and my ex partners son. It has been very messy and he is back with his ex who is very spiteful over our unborn child. But that is up too him if he has her around him. I know he would never put no harm too our child so it's something I will have too accept. My daughters father was a one night stand and there was violence and threats involved in that. I did not put him on the birth certificate for them reasons but he still had daily access too his daughter. And is now in prison for six years, having a father in my children's life's is very important too me, money means nothing I don't care about the money I just want them have a father, my daughter still sees her father in prison when she can, and I'm very close too his family. I respected his wishes whilst he's in prison and did not have my ex around my daughter at all, because we both agreed she would be confused on her dad, and no one should ever replace mothers or fathers place if they are important too the child's parent or not. How ever my sons father as shown true colours I had no clue of, I live in stoke on Trent and he Wolverhampton. I want too put him on the birth certificate as I know how much this child means too him and I know how much of a wonderful father he will be no matter who he is involved with. My only concern is he spits out his dummy when he does not get his own way, and I'm very worried when we both decide our son is ready too be away from me and go over too see his family that he will not bring him back, could I put in for visitation over our child even though he is on the birth certificate. I feel that both of us are not mature or civil enough too do it amongst ourselves or trust eachother.

Kendall - posted on 11/06/2013

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I am going through the exact same thing so of course I don't think you are doing anything wrong. They don't wanna be actively involved, they wanna play with our kids and send them back like a puppy. They are idiots and need to step up or step out. One day they will have to pay or serve justice. It isn't fair for us or our children.

Carmen - posted on 10/16/2013

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omg i am so sorry you are going through this, i thought I had it bad my kids dad is strung out on pcp i went to pick my son up to find him smoking it in front of him i took my son and haven't talked to that looser in almost 2 months I also learned from his current girlfriend that they have relations with our son at the foot of the bed, she got jealous one day and told me that. I am also currently pregnant with our first daughter and his second daughter... I have felt better that I just walked away and took my children out of his life although he doesn't even seem to care now, eventually I no he will. He is a 3 time felon who has never had a job so hopefully with his track record he doesn't get unsupervised visitation. I sympathize about your situation. It gets better with time he needs to get his life together before he gets those rights that he is requesting!

Emma - posted on 06/02/2013

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my ex started seeing our son after 8 years he walked out on us when he was 2 months old my son doesnt remember him i need a bit of advice he only seen him 10 times so far and he keeps naggin me saying when can i take him out on his own when can he stay over he also askes him all time when he sees him to ask me he told him today and i said no and then behind my back he said to him if she says no keep asking ive said no to him as i dont know were his house is all i know is the town is i dont feel ready yet for him to stay he only gives me 20 pound a week for him to and its anoying as he got another girlfriend with same name as me plus 3 kids two girls what hapends to have the names what me and him said we would call ours if we ended up with more kids he also got a baby boy he owns a tan shop plus hes buying another one and he says he cant afford to give me more than 20 pound a week for him cos he got the 3 kids to buy for aswell plus hes just been on holiday it seems like he dont wanta pay anything else towards him and he just wants to buy forhis 3 kids and girlfrield

Jessica - posted on 04/30/2013

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I have been driving myself insane with my current situation. My ex husband has come in and out of our daughters life all of her life. She is going to be twelve soon. His absences were sometimes months and sometimes years. He has struggled with drugs since she was approximately one. After finding a vial of crack in her mouth incased in a glass jar at slightly less than 2 years old I have been hesitant to allow him anything but monitored visitation which he has not ever kept up for long. Three years ago he moved 2300 miles away with not so much as a phone call to say he was leaving. This was after marrying a woman who was arrested for prostitution and having dragged their three children up and down my state through evictions and hotels for years. Last summer he calls and says that he has changed his life and would like me to send our daughter to stay with him for the summer 2300 miles away. I declined. He was on probation in his new home state at the time. He called for awhile, visited once and then fell off the radar for the next couple of months. Last November he called again making plans for a Christmas visit. He was unable to keep this visit but showed shortly before New Year's. We met for another monitored visit and then he left to return home. I was served papers to appear before court for neglecting to allow him to exercise his visitation just before February. We are due to appear in court shortly. He moved back in March(to the best of my knowledge) and has been calling more often. However he was arrested in early April and was kept incarcerated until the end of the month. I met with his wife and children during his incarceration to allow her time with her stepsiblings. Neither he or his wife have jobs although he does do the occasional side jobs from Craigslist. He has made no effort to help support her. They live in a suspect neighborhood for lack of a better word with a woman I have never met and her daughter along with their three children in an apartment. I still have not been given the address. He has stood us up for more than half of our scheduled visitation dates. My daughter is petrified she will be forced to go spend time with him and his family without me. He has been told that she is afraid of spending time with him away from me. The longer this goes on though I have noticed a drop in her grades and an increase in her attitude with me, her stepfather(with whom she had a good relationship with prior to this) and her little sister. She was against therapy at first and I was hesitant to force her but as the problems seem to be piling on top of each other I have scheduled therapy for the both of us with sessions with my husband and second daughter to follow. I have been a wreck and the situation has affected my relationship with his mother and sister with whom I have kept in contact with and who have relationships(sort of as the apple did not fall far from the tree minus the drugs) as well as with his second daughter from yet another of his relationships for which we had a prior relationship.

Anissa - posted on 09/16/2012

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i have custody of my daughter and have since the day she born. her father has spent the last 11 years in prison for drugs. he is out now and i honestly want to turn him in so he can go back to jail it was so much easier to deal when he was in jail. he sales drugs again, ocassionally works and runs a football poll for college and pro and gives my daughter a crinkled up ten or twenty dollar bill once every two or three months. but the super amazing kicker is she loves him like he never left and his main reason for being so scarce in ever aspectof her life is because get this (i made her hate him and turned her against him the whole 11 years he was gone locked up in prison thru no fault of mine or hers?) WTF??????????????????

Nicola - posted on 08/08/2012

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Ohhh.. I guess it depends on your legal system.

Over here child support and custody are 2 separate enterties. For example .. Here, my kiddies father pays $1.50 per day for my 2 children and nothing else per year. Yet in court family law papers it appears that he's taking control of his parental responsibilities. In all honesty it's about time fathers step up to the congruent responsibilities that are expected from mothers, and if they choose to be selfish with they're assets or income, then they should suffer the consequences of theyte behavior. It's as easy as that!

Patience Gagonowe - posted on 06/25/2012

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i think you should allow him to see the child because it will be for the benefit of the child. Until then when the child is old enough to make his/her own decision allow the kid to see his/her father

Jolene - posted on 06/20/2012

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Relationship isn't based on money, its a bond between two people, money helps but it doesn't always buy happiness. If your son, father, wants nothing to do with him, then its his lost. However, you should accept the moment he does want to become involved,with his son. let go of the history, the anger..and let your son... get to know his father . Its his chance to bond with his dad. the least you can do, is be there for your son, when the bonding didnt go according to plan.
Your son, will realize that you never kept him away and the only person that stopped them from having a father, son relationship wasn't you.. but his own dad...

Amy - posted on 06/19/2012

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I am in Alabama, and you cannot deny visitation because of not paying child support. I had a similar issue where my son's biological father disappeared and didn't pay anything, so I went through DHR and they can take it out of his paycheck. He owes me over $2,000 in back child support but he still gets visitation.

Danielle - posted on 06/16/2012

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1) collecting child support is separate from visitation. Just because he isn't doing something per the divorce/custody decree, doesn't mean you get to disregard it as well. Specify when he can visit your son. If he doesn't make your available times, then it's his loss. Make sure you document how you notified him of the times he could visit. Try to keep communications to email so you have a written record of what's happening and to show you kept your son accessible to his dad. Given the infrequent visits, however, you could make sure the visitation is supervised & in a public place for the well being of your son.

2) file with DHS or whatever your state's child support agency is. It will take them awhile to start collecting for you, but they will garnish his paycheck if at all possible and it won't cost you more than maybe $25/yr handling. Unfortunately they won't collect any additional expenses the dad might owe like daycare &/or medical out of pocket; you'll have to go to court to get a judge to award you that specifically before DHS can start collecting on that additional support you're owed.

Lisa - posted on 06/09/2012

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The best thing to do is go to court and sort it out. For your childs sake. Routine and stability is very important. This will give you a peace of mind and that you know when and for how long the access is. At least you have a set schedule he will have to follow. If he chooses not to, then he will miss an access time and has to wait until the next scheduled time. If he wants to complain, let him later take you to court. I know it is a pain. But it is good for children to have a routine. This is also good for you, because you can move forward and not worry about when he will call and expect you to stop whatever your doing so he can see your little one.
Hope things work out. Take care

Christel - posted on 05/06/2012

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I'm not sure what state you're in but Iknow in Texas you can't deny him from seeing his child.You could be held in contempt of court by not allowing him visitation,I know it doesn't seem fair but that's the law. You want to keep yourself out of trouble with the courts. If you can afford to hire a family law attorney and have them take you back to court to modify the visitation order. This will then keep you covered and may shake the dad a little so that he will start to do what he is supposed to all the way around. Not to mention he will be held in contemt of court becasue he isn't paying child support.I hope you make the right decision for the most important person in this situation which is your SON.

Kayla-Marie - posted on 05/04/2012

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no. you have the law on your side, if he isn't paying child support you don't have to let him see your son.

Melissa - posted on 05/04/2012

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Maria said it best! My son hasn't seen his father since November 2010 and he was only just shy of a year old. Baby daddy moved to a different state and only pays court ordered child support when dcse catches up to him and garnishes it from his check. Now he's two and half and I worry if BD comes back every once in a while to visit his family, he's going to ask to see him. I don't want my son to think this is how daddy's are supposed to be, only come around for a few hours once or twice a year. NO. And I'm not talking about parents that leave because of circumstances beyond their control like military relocation and what not, so don't take offense. He moved because the girl he is dating wanted to move there because that's where HER family resides. I guess he cares more about her being happy and around her family than him having a relationship with his own son!

Janice - posted on 05/03/2012

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I don't know the family laws in your area. But I have a real issue with not making the fathers pay child support for the children they have. They never grow up if its not there making them accountable. Take him to court, settle the child support question, cause kids you may think you are making the right decision keeping him out of your childs life but the reality is financially is tough to raise a child on your own. You didn't get pregnant alone, shouldn't be the only one there. Visitation is usually secondary, and if the father is not being responsible, its easy to get them revoked but still get child support. If we don't start making them responsible too we will just be raising another generation of irresponsible men. Where I am, support is a separate issue to access. He pays support, no visitation and a peace order. If he doesn't pay, the office that enforces the support order keeps track, and they take it by any means necessary. They go as far as taking drivers licences and jail time.

Felicia - posted on 05/03/2012

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We have been going thru the same thing !! And hes also done worse things also ! 3 yrs now and we gave him 7 years to get it together before we wouldnt let him come back . We are afraid for our children !!! The courts usually let them keep doing it , but he ALWAYS ALWAYS messes up !!! We got tired of seeing our children get hurt !!! But now 3 yrs later hes doing it again !!! What wrong wit our court system ???

Maria - posted on 04/30/2012

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here is my humble opinion. I think you should look at the man as a whole. look at his character. and think about things in these terms. is the person your childs father portraying leaving a bad influence on your child. especially sense you have a son. if your son grows up seeing that his father does not take responsibility for what clearly is his responsibility what does that teach your child? do you want your son to grow up and be like his father? i should think not. if the man isn't paying payments because he does have a sincere hardship that is preventing it then that is one thing. but if the man is just a lazy dead beat who doesn't want to take initiative and work hard to take care of the ones he loves well that is another thing. your child doesn't need to think that love is just a word. because it's not. it's actions. and if you really love someone then you would do anything in your power to provide for them in every way possible. not just financially but also emotionally, physically and morally. especially when it comes to your own child. your are responsible for shaping the adults that they will become. children need to know that all actions have consequences whether they be positive or negative. that's just reality 101. also if you continue to let that negative influence around your child than when that child grows up then they will not only be blaming their father but also you for not removing the father. you are your childs biggest advocate in life. so protect him and don't worry about what other people think about it. and one day in the future when your child is old enough to understand things then explain the situation. don't bad mouth the father but give the child the facts. and explain your position. you might be pleasantly surprised at your childs reaction.

Kanika - posted on 03/14/2010

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I am a single mother and allow my daughter's father see her. I feel like it would be punishing your child to not allow them to see their father. My ex husband doesn't have his life together yet. But that is for him to figure out. I am ok financially and I can not rely on him to pay child support which is ordered as well. But my daughter is a better person knowing and having a relationship with her dad than not. I would regret the day when my daughter says, " why didn't my dad want to see me". Then to have to tell her "he did, I just didn't want you to." If he is a bum your child will see that for themselves. Don't create the image. Your child has the foundation, the rules, the stability from you. They just need to have that other piece of the puzzle to make them feel secure. That's what I think.

Bonnie - posted on 03/11/2010

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I have recently had to make the same decision. My son is 2 1/2 and didn't understand why he was seeing his dad some days and not others because he wasn't consistant with visitation. he would take him every Sunday for a month then miss a day and my son would be very upset and cry for him. He hasn't paid regular support since I left.
I told his father that until my son is old enough to understand that you can't see him every Sunday then I will let him visit, but for now I let his father come to my house whenever he can. This way he has no expectation of seeing his father. While he is here I either sit on the computer or get some housework done so that they can spend the time one on one.
I haven't gone through the courts and don't plan on it any time soon. I am happy with the arrangement (other then the money) so can't really complain.
The best advice is to do what you feel is right for your child. I feel that if I keep my son from his father he will only grow to be mad at me for it and would not want my son to hate me when he gets older.

Debbie - posted on 03/11/2010

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I had this problem when my daughter was younger, and in the courts eyes it doesn't matter if he is paying support or not. If he is not coming on a regular basis you should file a motion with the court to review your visitation and see if it can be changed due to his not being consistant. Keep track of when he comes, when he doesn't, if he is late, anything that you can tell the courts to help your case. Good Luck

Anna - posted on 03/11/2010

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I understand and experience the frustration of not receiving child support. That said, however, child support payments are not "rental payments" to see one's child. It is unfair to your son to withhold him from his father as well. "Dad" needs to find some consistency too.

JoLynn - posted on 03/11/2010

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if it's through the courts and he goes to them to let them know you arent letting him see his son. you are the one that will get into trouble. I'm going thru the same right now. I dont have a choice. Even worse.. My daughter is 4. and she's already telling me she doesnt want to go to her dads. he is daycare to me. he only takes her while i'm working. no overnights or weekends. be happy he wants to see his son and spend time w/ him.

Clair - posted on 03/11/2010

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I think you should let your son see his dad just because that's his father...i totally know the feeling though. i don't mean that you should be inconveniencced by him but just allow him to see his dad. allow your son to make that decision when the time is right.

Katlynn - posted on 03/10/2010

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dont let him see him, if he can only come and see your son when it fits into his schedual, isnt taking financial responsibility for his child, or fufilling his other obligations as a parent then screw him, it will jsut wind up effecting your son in a negative way with his father being there one moment and then not again for months on end,

Lacey - posted on 03/10/2010

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I don't think you are in the wrong. I have the same problem I talked to my attorney he said that if the father calls on his weekend you have to allow the father to see the child. Until something bad happens to your child. I don't understand this at all I thought they wanted to prevent child abuse but they are not in this case. So I flipped out knowing that me trying to protect my son I won't be able to anymore if his father calls. Now if it has been a year that you have not recieved any child support you can file for abondnment. But you do not want to push him paying child support. I hope this helps you a little bit.

Anita - posted on 03/10/2010

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I understand about the money, I live off $730.00 a month, yes a month and i do not and have not received child support and believe you me, it has been very hard. I am civil only to keep my children from going through the stress that I have been through, but your ex not wanting to see his children, I have not had to deal with that. I can see and understand why your at your wits end and yes, my children have suffered but I do the best I can. I have them Wed-Sat and he has the rest of the time and makes GREAT money and yet still he helps with nothing. If your ex does not want to see his child, best thing for her would be counseling so she can get through that, but if he is court ordered to pay, I would drag him back in and except nothing less than jail time for his actions or non action would be a better term. I am sorry to hear about this for both you and your daughter.

Saskia - posted on 03/10/2010

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Father's that don't pay maintence suck! My ex-husband also does not pay and has now decided that it suits him not to see my daughter and therefore I can forget about seeing maintenance money....I have had it and am at my wits end....and in the end the child suffers.

Anita - posted on 03/10/2010

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I believe "Yes" and I believe you may know the answer to that yourself. Are you punishing him for not paying or punishing the child because that is what your doing? Reguardless if the guy is a deadbeat, as long as that man is treating his son good and is responsible when he has him, why break the bond between the two of them because you don't like what he is doing to you! That is why we have a court system. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but don't ever take a child from it's parent unless the person is a danger to that child. That's kinda like playing God or being a control freak, What do you really think?

Nicola - posted on 03/10/2010

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Advice..Its hard to give advice when only you, really know what is going on.

I dont walk a day in your shoes, but i do have my own similar issues with my ex husband. But as a mum, i try to make desicions based on whats best for my babies as opposed to his refusal to pay child support. I know it feels like a slap of abandonment for both you and your son, and its a painful thought to think that someday when your son is grown, he may find out about his fathers lack of responsibility and refusal to ensure a secure future for him. I worry about how that will affect my son all the time as I dont want my son to grow up thinking it was something to do with him, and suffer self esteem problems. But i roll with the punches.

At the moment my son lights up when he sees his father, it brings tears to my eyes. Having said all of this, all i can suggest is weighing up all the pros and cons of your son seeing his father and developing a relationship. If there are too many cons, you can make a rational decision.

I wish you all the best..Nic xx

Megan - posted on 03/09/2010

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i think you have every right! he doesnt get to be a dad when he feels like it! its not fair to you or your child. but along with some of the other people if there is a court ordered visitation then i would go to the court and tell them what has been going on, good luck~

Michelle - posted on 03/09/2010

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I think something like that would do more bad then good for the child. No matter how young. Always wondering when 'daddy' will come to see me.
If he wants to be immature and selfish, let him do it without disrupting your life or the life of your child.

Sarah - posted on 03/09/2010

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My son is now six months old, and when we went for Christmas on his father's side (the rest of the family wants to be involved) his father only saw him directly for about half an hour total and preferred to party the rest of the time. This is the only time his father chose to see him since he was 10 days old. I have said that his new girlfriend can't hold my son or interact with him (it's a new relationship that started the week my son was born), but have not said no to his father seeing him directly. When my son was about a month old, I sent his father a long email explaining my position on a lot of things and told him that he had to be either in my son's life or out of it. I will not have my son get close to his father to be pulled away again. There is no court order; he is not paying child support. I am going to meet with an attorney this week to get full legal custody with supervised visits.

Phyllis - posted on 03/09/2010

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My daughters father only takes her when it suits him best... His reason is it will give me too much free time to do whatever I want and meet new people. She would love to spend more time with him but not if it is going to free me up somewhat. They are very selfish people who always try to have power over you.

Ursula - posted on 03/09/2010

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Follow your heart and don't think about the money. Think about your son. I think most children has a tremendous need to know who their parents are, even if they're not in their life every day. My daughter didn't mention the word dad until she was 3. But all of a sudden she started saying to people that she didn't have a dad, and she was very hurt by it.

Be the better person. Don't lower yourself to the level of your ex. You and your son are a fantastic family and your ex is the looser who didn't fit in.

Just think of what's best for your son. You can always go after the money later. In WA state, you can go after the father for the 10 past years. Let the court system deal with the money. You worry about your son. And... as hard as it is to admit, he really needs to know that his father cares for him. Even if it's not a lot, a little goes a long way...

Janice - posted on 03/09/2010

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Wendy - if you don't have a lawyer, you should get one. If you can't afford it, there are services available to help you. If your daughter is sick, or doesn't want to go, you can withhold the visit. Simple, you are acting in the best interest of the child. Most child protective services will say that if the child doesn't want the visit it can be considered to stressful for the child. That could be determined by a lawyer or case worker. She may have a valid reason why she doesn't want to go but doesn't have the ability to express it.

Lindsey - posted on 03/09/2010

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I CONSTANTLY fight this battle...my sons dad only pays support when he wants to or when he works enough to pay it HOWEVER there is an order of visitation for him to see my son so I have no choice but were always in and out of court for support. He didnt see him for the longest time because there was no order for him to and he had threatened to many times to take him and run so I said NO! only until HE took ME to court and it was SPECIFIC in a court order as to when he was to get him and when I was getting him back did he finally see him and even at that, thats the only time he wants him or does anything with him, he is not involved in his education doesnt go to parent/teacher conferences doesnt attend school functions or soccer games its only when the court orders his time is he involved.

Janice - posted on 03/09/2010

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First, he should be paying child support no matter what. Child support and visitation are two separate issues that are dealt with through the family court. It doesn't cost anything if you are worried about cost. Simply file for sole custody based on his already established behavior and child support at the court. It doesn't matter if he denies paternity. He will have to file a motion for DNA testing which he will have to pay for. The only way that it falls back on the Mom is if the test shows him not to be the father. Just because he says he's not the father is not a defence in court, he will have to prove it. Child support is based on his income that is shown on the tax assessment from the year before. The schedule for the rate is the the ministry of justice website. Also, you can make it retroactive from the date that the child was born. He had a responsibility from that date and the court doesn't like dead-beats. Once you have the court order, send it to family responsibility, they can take care of the payments for you. Just remember that anything that is paid for child support is on your income tax. If you go to your local family court there are alot of things you can do and alot of help now. Even if he isn't working, he's living on something. They base each year on the year before tax return. The government will go after the arrears any way they can and judges can get pretty nasty if a parent is being a dead-beat.
As for visitation, make sure that its court ordered to be supervised. Then he will have to make arrangements with a centre for a visit. They are strict so he wont be able to play any head games. It also solves the problem of when he's going to and where he's going to visit. If he wants to can after the order has been completed, he has to file and prove to the court that he deserves the amendment. You can also make the contact between you and him very limited if you want.
My court order has been in place for a year now. Life is sweet. The child support comes regularly because he has a job. And he doesn't seem to interested in visits. If you think that he'll quit his job to avoid paying child support. It doesn't work that way. The payments keep adding up and become arrears. From there the government offices just get nasty. What better way to get what your child deserves but to sick the government on him...

Jodie - posted on 03/09/2010

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the law will state what is in the best interest of the child... you might have to make a call here as to whether you think it is in your sons best interest to see his dad... the courts will also say the child support and child access are 2 different things and they shouldnt be linked... just make sure your reasons for not letting him see the child are for the best interest of your son and not a way of getting back at him for him being a dead beat dad...

Meghan - posted on 03/09/2010

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oh and I just have to add that Wendy saying you are the reason kids get locked up...is the DUMBIEST thing I have ever heard. Not that you had to justify your situation but mom's that care about their kids and consider drastic measures to keep them safe are the reason we have well adjusted responsible adults!

Meghan - posted on 03/09/2010

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My ex threatens to not pay me if I don't let him see our son when HE wants. I have never kept my son from visiting with his father but like you, there are also issues of drinking and in my case drugs and minor neglect (I say minor because he just refuses to schedule him, doesn't put him down for naps, doesn't change his clothes) I know how you feel but money is a seperate issue. However it really does suck the big one that so many dad's want happy play time so they don't look like dead beats and leave all the hard work (teaching, dicipline, and money issues) up to us. Good luck hun, keep your head up!

Nicole - posted on 03/09/2010

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I am so sorry that the father of your baby is such a jerk, it's his loss that he's missing out on his son's life though he obviously doesn't get that. But it's also his choice, hopefully he will grow up one day. Until then everyday your prove to your son that you love him and every time his father isn't there he proves that his son isn't important enough to him. My ex doesn't pay his child support, never has. He does utilize his court ordered visitation rights but that's it. (According to the courts they are separate issues and if I keep the kids from him I risk contempt of court and therefore jail. You have to go through the court system and usually the welfare programs can help you find a way to get the court ordered child support.) Both my kids behavior towards him reflects his treatment of them. If you are the bigger person and show through actions or his lack-there-of your son will love you and not feel like he was cheated by you out of a relationship with his father. Good luck!

Jessica - posted on 03/09/2010

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well your situation is kind of the same. i was told child support and visitation are two different things and your not suppose to do that but i believe that it is your right to not let him she your son i tried to do that and my sons dad took me to court and i was pissed but the judge also told me i cant hold my son away from his father i was like bs i think it should be that they can only see your child if they pay child support on time all the time.

Brittney - posted on 03/09/2010

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No I don't think it is wrong of you. I have a soon to be 1 year old and her dad does nothin for her. He seen her when she was two months old then when she was 8 months old and i finally stopped and told him if he can't be someone that is in her life all the time then just stay out. Cuz if you let him step in and out of their life it makes them feel like the done something wrong for them not to be around all the time. He don't support her or anything. So she has my last name and he ain't on the birth certificate. Trust me your doin the right thing. I know it sounds bad but they have to pay to see their child cuz we mothers pay everyday with our time and energy. we don't have to freedom they do so. You damn right he has to pay you first. Cuz your the one raisin your son not him.

Cassie - posted on 03/09/2010

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have u ever thought of taking him to court and changing the rules... 2 months isnt enough and can confuse and upset the child i know my lil ones dad left for nearly half a yr of her life b4 deciding to come back in.... so i got court orders that he agreed to stick by and its been alot easier since.

[deleted account]

i am kind of in the same position as you. my son is 18 months old, his father was in jail the first 6 months of his life, i was young and dumb so i stayed with him thinking he would change and be a good father. when he got out we moved in together and things went good at first. he started to act controlling and i saw his old habits come out so i tried to leave. he assaulted me twice in front of my baby boy. he is now serving a year sentence for what he has done, and i'm torn between taking custody, taking his visitation rights away from him. i have child support court ordered but i havent seen any of it. should i give him a chance to be a good father? my gut says no, but the i dont want my child to grow up without a daddy so i cant decide what to do.

[deleted account]

I would say no you are not wrong. Rasing a child does take support and it takes to two to make a child so if dad doesnt wanna help he losses his rights

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