feeling like a failure.

Amanda - posted on 12/08/2010 ( 24 moms have responded )

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I'm only 20. this isn't how i pictured things. even after i had my second at only 19. I kicked my ex out and he moved across country when i was only about 6 -8 weeks with our daughter. I was planning on getting kids in daycare and going to work. Well daycare waiting lists are brutal. While i was waiting my son was seeing doctors to figure out his seizures. as soon as that was put aside he wasn't talking and he was having behaviour issues. so doctors and specialists for that started. I found out not to long ago he is autistic. my daughter is fine. the specialists have seen her in my sons play appointments and said shes accutally advanced. It good because shes starting to teach my son things. (shes 14 months old and he's 2 and a half.) they said its basicly like having twins because they're on the same level devlopmentally. its definetly a struggle but im dealing fairly well..

my problem is the therapy program for my son is intensive. there's a one year waiting list and once it starts It's 6 hours a day 5 days a week for 3 years. that means no daycare. even if i got him on a waiting list for one with a worker until he starts.. he'd only be in for a month or so before starting therapy. this means I can't work. no daycare, no one to watch them, no work, no income. I was REALLY hoping too avoid welfare. I don't want to be another teen mom who's a burden on society. but now i really don't have a choice. I'll need to be in housing and on welfare. I feel like a leech and a failure. I know I'm doing this for my child... but i can't help the pressure of judgement. how people just assume im lazy... while I'm on welfare i want to do some online courses so i'm not just sitting on my behind.

should i feel bad because i can't do this without government help? I don't even get child support because their sprem donar can't hold a job and doesn't send money even if he has it. honestly I just feel like complete white trash sterotype here. single teen mom, baby daddy went to jail, highschool drop out (medical issues with pregnancy prevented me from going), and welfare mom with two kids. that ontop of the pressue of a mentally handicap son and daughter who has to be deal with her brothers behaviour...it's almost suffocating me.

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Sharon - posted on 12/09/2010

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Do not feel like a failure at all!! I am really concerned for your mental health, and medical care for your son. I have a lot of experience with medical conditions from Autism to Cerebral Palsy to Seizures. Early Intervention is imperitive and needed as soon as possible. You need to utilize all services available to you from our government right now, from cash assistance to food stamps to medical coverage.
Make the best choices each day and keep a supportive circle of friends and family near you.
I recommend continuing to talk to your child's doctor and look in the nearby communities for services. Educate yourself online by learning all you can about Autism and the latest therapy for your son. You are welcome to send a friend request to me, just place in the message area that I replied to your post on here in regards to your son having Autism. I have a good friend with a son with Autism so I can try to pass along information that may help you.
LOVE your children, Love yourself, and make healthy choices each day. God and Jesus will support you to, speak to them in prayer.

Mattie - posted on 12/09/2010

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There are those out there who will tell you that you are exactly how you feel: trash, just a statistic that's draining the system, or even ( as I was called) recycled garbage. You will come across people who have autistic children who will judge you as well and not understand.

However, you have to remind yourself that there are always even just small details that make someone's situation drastically different than someone else's. Those people have no right to judge you and, as hard as it is to not let depression get its evil grip on your head, you need to fight the negativity and remind yourself of a few things. For one, you care enough about your child to what is necessary for him now, no matter how hard it is, so that later life will be better for him. There are people out there who abuse the system but in your case, I say use it. Don't be ashamed. Do what you have to for your son. It takes a lot of guts to do what you need and fight against what others think they know ( but don't). Be proud you're a caring mother.

I've dealt with something similar with my own health, my kids' health (1 is physical, the other emotional), divorce, etc etc so I kind of understand what your talking about. I needed help too.

Do your courses, be proud of yourself for being a good mom, and anyone who tells you anything negative just tell them to kiss your...... :p

Olivia - posted on 12/09/2010

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Oh sweetie! You absoulutly should NOT feel like a failure! Here's the thing...it is what it is, this is your life and you need to do what is best for you and your babies. Look at it this way, 1) having a little extra cash and assistance would probably take a huge amount of stress off your shoulders and 2) you are the reason that kind of assistance exists! You are struggling and you want to do what is right for your family. Get the help from the government that you deserve, look at it as temporary assistance. Get your GED and then take some college courses. You will be a hero in your children's eyes! Give them someone to look up to, you are their only example to live by. Do it, and don't feel bad about it, you are an awesome Mom and it will only make you better!!!!

Christina - posted on 12/19/2010

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Honey, I have two autistic children. The first thing you need to do is TAKE CARE OF YOUR BABIES! Apply for SSI for your son. That will give you income to stay home with him. He needs you desperately. In situations like yours, I fully support you being on welfare. Once your son is in school, you will be able to get a full time job. Until then, focus on helping your son emerge into the world.
Add me to your friend's list. I have two autistic children. I know how difficult it is.

Abigayle - posted on 12/11/2010

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You know I have truly believed that its so important to bh incredibly open about our lives and even though I have been hurt because of it I have refused to keep my past to myself because I wanted one person, someday, to be maybe affected by it or not feel alone and your ost proves it because you paid my own idea forward and made my difficult times worth being open with personal things.

You know most of the time I think we post something heartfelt that makes ead it; or are affected by our words. Youeally read it; or are affected by our words. Your post reached out to me so for that thanks you; makes me believe in positive karma...lol.

Sooo...where to start...I am 32 and I have four kids. I had my first child at 19 and was raped while dating my first husbaed out of my mom's house 'nt want to. I was kicked out of my mom's house ant want to. I was kicked out of my mom's house accused of just whoring around and not knowing who the daddy was. My kids dad and I had broken up and he had believed my mom that I was trying to trap him since he was in the military; my sister didn't believe me. I was not going to raise my child in LA on welfare and I had three families picked out for adoption but the dad wouldn't sign the papers; so pretty much my mom left me no choice but to marry him. On top of all that my mom kicked me out because she wanted me to abort the baby and I said I would never be able to have an abortion so I am pro chioice for everyone else and pro life for me.

We had three kids and were married for eight years before Autism started a huge rift between us; plus his infedelity but I had a job and insurance and stuff so I was okay with filing divorce but when Andrew, my second child was three years old I was begging someone to listen to me I thought he was autistic. He was diagnosed Autistic; he was self injurious, he hit, bit, scratched and all that to me. He regressed to non-verbal, he refused potty training until finally he was six years old, he refused most food, didn't sleep and I was dealing with it all on my own. My husband's family blamed my parenting, and said I was neglectful and my husband was in denial insisting that he would outgrow it. We moved to Texas for the army and my husband deployed. I was already having a hard time dealing with the kids and Andrew mostly and I had a mental breakdown. I barely got on my feet and the kids stayed with the dad for six months but I was too afraid to be on my own and I even had a kick ass couple grand a month job and a grand in child support but I remarried three months later and we got pregnant and moved to germany.

Hon, I got stuck in the states when my ex got another divorce, wouldn't give my my oldests passport, my husband thought while he was downrange I got stuck in the states on purpose and was cheating on him and abandoned me and cut me off for six months. We almost divorced and he pulled it at the last minute but we only lasted two months in germany and came to Georgia and he got diagnosed PTSD and split on us, got violent, cheated, is downrange and cut me off for so many months that I wasn't eating so the kids could. Neighbors bought me food. Food stamps was denied because his command refused for months to give me a letter proving he was not in housing with me and in the bararcks so they counted his income. When I finally got the food stamps, he was in iraq again and I had to give back my laundry equipment, my computer I was using to go back to school online, won't contact the prior owners for our car so he told me oh the hell well its my problem. Not to mention it doesn't run. My divorce is almost final; he is saying my three kids that aren't his will lose their health care insurance and my daughter is just now seven years old and being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder; Asperger's. I can't get a job because Andrew is virtually impossible to find care that will take him let alone the hours I need and I can't afford it. I get only three hundred in CS from the ex and five hundred if my husband doesn't cut me off again. I can't afford christmas, my phone got shut off, my ex husband wires money for diapers and tampons for his exwife and a son that isn't his but he now treats like his nephew. Girl he bought bikes for our three so he is buying my youngest a bike too for the holidays and I have no family that approves of me or talks to me let alone will help me; he agreed to be the guardian in my will.

I am a prideful person; I didnt eat for four days so my kids could and didn't say a word but my kids told my friends who were upset and stocked my house. I will be evicted four months after our divorce is final because I lose all rights to housing. He got served paternity papres on a child that is two weeks older than our son. He has to pay her now too. He is keeping his extra money for going downrange and not sending me extra. He is threatening to even take half of the tax return yet two of those kids are mine. We get almost ten grand and I was relying on that for a rental home, a car, washer and dryer, get my kids clothes and shoes because they outgrew everything. I can't get TANF because I make one hundred dollars too much. I can't afford christmas and I want to cry everyday.

First let me say I understand the feeling like a failure but never feel that way. Its taken me a long time, family judgements, hurtful comments, I am worn out and I am tired. I will tell you though; I am a damn good single mom because I had to. I wasn't going to fail my kids when the men in their life, their extended family, failed them. We are beating the Autism. So you aren't the failure...the sperm donors are the failure. People who could help you but don't are the failures.

Take that welfare. That is what its for. I have been a military kid, I joined, I married and lived 32 years and paid taxes and welfare turned me down flat for all services when I needed it. So guess what; consider it taking it from me; that I paid them to give it to you because I want people like you who NEED it who WANT better but HAVE to; to use it. Don't be ashamed though I shouldn't talk my friend goes to the food store with me so she can use the EBT card and I don't have to be ambarassed. I just looked into section 8 and all that too so when you get down think of me and feel better because you aren't alone.

Next thing...I didn't know that there were so many things out there for people like us. I just signed up my family for toys for tots and another program got my letter through email from their program and they got me a family sponsering us to donate christmas presents to my kids. There is programs to help single mom's and I found some grants for online colleges that will help us single mom's.

Look, don't do what I did and get so scared that you jump into a marriage because you want to escape a life we fought hard not to have. I am so much happier now though. My kids are well adjusted and happy. I am finally dating someone that I am making sure to do it the right way and its the first time I can remember someone consoling me and not yelling at me when I cried, that told me to sleep in and he watched cartoons with the kids, that kissed me randomly while watching a movie on the top of my head.

You don't have a mentally handicaped kid...you are an exceptional parent with an extrodinary child.

Email me any time okay...and don't suffocate; its called selective hearing and locking yourself in the bathroom for a scream or cry. Take a deep breath...your going to prove that woman can do it all

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24 Comments

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Amanda - posted on 12/24/2010

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Everyone on here is amazing. Thank you all so much for your support. It's nice to hear that even though the ignorant people may judge me for it, I'm doing the right thing. thank you again for all your support

Angela - posted on 12/23/2010

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I truly think you're doing what you need to do to make sure you and your children are taking care of. That's a GREAT mom, in my opinion! I know it's easier said than done not to feel like a failure or unhappy. I'm there and been there. It's tough being a mom even when they're financially set, so I know that being in this situation is very difficult and depressing. I hope things get better somehow even if slowly.

Bonnie - posted on 12/22/2010

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Ok, Deep breath so this is where you find yourself. So what, life happens & your circumstances do not define you. The way you react to your circumstances does however define you.
You are not the first mother to encounter these concerns and unfortunately you will not be the last. I encourage you to let the guilt and shame go. It will hinder your growth as well as your childrens. You let it go by accomplishing goals for yourself. Start with small goals (look on flylady.com for help). This will help boost your self esteem. The main thing to remember is that you can do this, you are doing this and your children need you to be the best mother you can be. If that means taking help from the government to help support your children so be it.
We often forget that God never intended us to feel one ounce of shame or pain. The Lord says ask & you shall receive. So take this blessing to get on your feet and then help other moms out once you can. Remember just because this is your present circumstance does not mean it will be your future.

Lashanda - posted on 12/21/2010

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Don't feel bad about being on government assistance, you have to do what is best for your kids. You are not a leech, you have good intentions and wants to better yourself, at this time you have to postpone some things for your kids and its nothing wrong with that. Things will get better for you. This only has to be a temporary living arrangement and you are still very young. For the judgemental people, people who cares about you and what you are going through would not intentionally try to make you feel worse, drop those people from your life, its enough judgemental people in this world and you shouldn't have to deal with the ones close to you being judgemental. If you have faith and determination, you will get to where you want to be in life. Just keep trying and a lot of women were once in your situation , if not worse and they have great sucess stories today. Just hang in there and good luck!

Suehayde - posted on 12/21/2010

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look your not a failure im a mom of 4 kids and im only 21. my 6 yr old has anger issues he has to see a counsler, my 3 has adhd and anger issues he has to go to a speech therepist once a week, be in a speacial school, my 1 yr old had early intervention she is be hind on her motor skills, i do it all on my own. neuther of my kids fahter help. i dreaded going on welfare after i found i couldn't work due to doc appts and speech, counslers its not easy nobody ever said it would be. but at the end of this when your kids are grown and become more successful than you could imagine itz goin to be because of you they got to see the chance. just keep faith and your head high

Xiomara - posted on 12/21/2010

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You should absolutely NOT FEEL BAD for doing what is right for your children. I understand the fear of judgment: people often look at me the same way and it is terrifying. But ultimately, you are doing what you need to do to survive, and if that means receiving support from the government then so be it. It is your right and your duty to do so for the sakes of you and your children. I understand also that it must be very emotionally and mentally stressful to worry consistently about your son's autism; but with that therapy, he should be able to improve SIGNIFICANTLY. Therefore, getting that therapy is of the utmost importance. I pray God's blessings upon you; and on top of it, let Medicaid pay for some therapy sessions. Those have really helped me as a single mom.

Kristi - posted on 12/20/2010

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The fact that you want to better your situation and are seeing what you can do to make that happen, makes you NOT a failure or a leech. The welfare system is there FOR situations like this... people fall on hard times and need help. It's unfortunate that there ARE so many leeches on the system that it makes people who legitimately have a NEED for the programs feel bad for accepting the help.

I think it's admirable that you want to take classes while all of this is going on... that's probably the best thing you can do. You could complete a degree program in the time your son is in therapy, and have a successful career when he's older.

It might be beneficial to you to find a support group in your area, or even online, that's geared toward families with special needs children, families with autistic children, etc... it's amazing what a wealth of information and help a group like that can be, and you can bet that there's SOMEONE out there who's been in your very same situation and might be able to provide some insight and ideas of ways to deal with some of the issues you face.

Good luck... things will get better for you, I understand how difficult it can be to feel like you're not providing like you think you should be, but you're providing more than you might think by being a good role model to your children, showing them what hard work and perseverance can do, and teaching them lessons in overcoming adversity, while taking the steps it's possible for you to currently take to improve your situation and advance yourself. It may seem like a long road, but you CAN do it. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Taryn - posted on 12/20/2010

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You are not white trash or a failure.

"White trash" mothers would be leaving their children to take care of eachother while they went out drinking.

You sound incredibly strong to me and I think what you really need is a little time with some supportive family or friends. Bless your heart, keep your chin up.

Kristen - posted on 12/19/2010

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Don't feel like a failure!! It sounds like you are doing everything and then some! It's so hard to balance it all.....
Have you gone to court and asked them for Child Support? They can do this even for another state AND he won't have a choice - if he doesn't pay, they will take it automatically........ maybe that would help even a little bit? Especially since you have needs for your child that are above certain minimums - they should award you even more. It really sounds like you are doing the best you can with what you've got. Take a deep breath and remember thats all you can do. Keep up the good work and enjoy your babies. :)

Sarah - posted on 12/18/2010

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Honey, The reason they have welfare os for people like you who really need the help. It's not meant for people who are just to lazy to get a job. You are not a failure! You are trying to do the best for your children and you just have been dealt a crappy hand. Getting some college under your belt is a great idea. Talk to your school financial aid and ask if there are grants or scholorships for people in your situation. Some can be used for living expences and they are usually non taxable and usually dont count against public help. Good luck!

Monique - posted on 12/18/2010

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You are not a failure! You're a mom doing the best for her children. Who cares what people think? I too am a single mother with 3 children (My Autistic son is 12 and my twins who were preemies are not 10). I got pregnant at 19 and I have struggled since my son's diagnosis which occured during my pregnancy with my twins. I too had to commit to intensive therapy and I had to do it for all 3 kids. While government assistance was not my ideal choice, it was the only one I could make to ensure my children's progress. My oldest now speaks and is high functional despite his many disabilities. We still have issues but it used to be worst and every little improvement is a blessing. My twins are doing even better and no longer require any special services. All 3 are excellent students and I can't ask for anything more. Unfortunately, my dedication to them required to put a lot of things on the back burner but I will be a college graduate in a year and will start working on my master's degree. It hasn't been easy and I swallow my pride every time I buy groceries with food stamps or wait for hours in the welfare office for redetermination. Once I'm done with school, I can say goodbye to all that but if it wasn't for government assistance I wouldn't have been able to survive and take care of my children's special needs. My twins also have to look out for their big brother and deal with his "issues" but it is what it is and it makes them more compassionate and understanding of other peoples problems. You can get your GED and then take college courses while on assistance and still be able to care for your kids. You can't help the fact that your child has a medical disabiltiy so stop beating yourself up. It's a long hard road and you have to take every bit of help you can get in order to keep going. Once he's old enough to attend school, you'll have a little more time to do what you need to do for yourself, just be patient. If you ever need to vent or just chat, hit me up. I understand what you're going through and I know how lonely and isolating being a single parent of a special needs child can be. Just remember to keep your head up and remember that you are a good mom and that makes you a success, not a failure.

Nicole - posted on 12/13/2010

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You are not a failure. I know how you feel. I was 16 when i got pregnant and had my daughter a week after my 17th birthday. I was kicked out of high school becuz i had my daughter a few days after school started and my school gave moms 6 weeks off. When i went to go back they wouldnt let me. I had to rely on my moms help with my daughter. I did go back to high school but i needed my moms help with babysitting. And my mom was on welfare becuz she needs meds to keep her alive. So you shouldnt feel ashamed for the government helping you. thats what its their for. and it shouldnt matter what others say or think, what only matters is what you think. You sound like a good mother. You are doing whats best for your children. You are such a strong person for standing by your son even tho he is mentally handicap. You are an angel in my eyes for being so young, and having to take on such a strong situation. If you need to talk, send me a message anytime.

Abigayle - posted on 12/12/2010

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I always wanted to get married and be with someone forever; have a big family. I wanted four kids and only one girl like I have. I didn't expect the autism but even through the horror of the beginning; autism is such a wonderful to be on my own. I thought unconditional lopect to be on my own. I thought unconditional love was how everyone loved. I didn't see till recently that its Autism; uncondtional love is what my son truly taught me.
I was googling single mothering for autism children and I knew I would find some blogs about others that were raising autistic kids on their own. What I didn't expect is that in nearly all I read; its like reading my own feelings and my own experiences and we all feel so alone but in reality we are far from it; I hope that people start reaching out to each other.
It shocked me how many don't have their own parents or their own siblings either; I thought that was just me as well. Blood doesn't make family; Autism does.

Melana - posted on 12/12/2010

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dont care wat other ppl think or say like someone else on here commented they are just being ignorant. they wana say your trash for getting assistance but to me trash is not taking care of your child at all. your doing wat you need to do for your family and thats nothing to be ashamed of (:

Lauren - posted on 12/09/2010

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Ok...a hand up is different than a hand out. You need this help. You are not abusing the system. I was on government assistance for a year, and when I got a good job with good insurance, I stopped. do what you have to do to make sure your kids are taken care of and stop worrying about what other people think. Seriously, the ones that judge you have probably never needed help like this before, and they should pray that they don't ever. Its not easy dealing with state assistance, just keep working hard to make the situation better. Keep you head up and your heart strong. Things will be ok in the end. If they aren't ok, its not the end.

Amanda - posted on 12/09/2010

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thank you for your concern sharon. luckily i live in canada so medical insurence is no issue. I have a lot of resources currently to help me help my son. right now he's doing a program while we wait for the ABA program to start for him.

thank you everyone. Its just i feel like maddie said, just another person draing the system. 4 years is such a long time. I guess im just struggling with pride and in having problems accepting everything is happeing.

Jill - posted on 12/08/2010

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DO NOT FEEL LIKE A FAILURE!!!!! I have 1 child and couldn't make it on just my income. You have to do what you have to do to take care of your self and your children. People who make judgements about other people are just ignorant because most of the time they have no idea what type of situation that person is in.

Robin - posted on 12/08/2010

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to me you do NOT sound like a failure at all. you are a single mother doing what you can to have a roof over your childrens heads, and yours, plus food, and clothing. I think it is awesome that your daughter is helping your son!! that will help her when she gets older alot. and as for your son, I feel as if being autistic is nothing different then being as a different person. each and every person has ways of doing things for themselves! So he might be a little slower, but thats the way his body feels he should do things. I hope i haven't upset you by my response, just my opinion.

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