First man I've dated since my daughter's dad was a flop....

Candacestone23 - posted on 06/10/2017 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hello everyone. I just recently went through a breakup, and I am wondering what the hell went wrong. I am not looking to get back with my ex, but just needed some input or perspective from a neautral third party. This may be lengthy, so I hope you readers are patient! Please refrain from any insults, sarcasm, or otherwise rude comments. Thanks so much!

I met this man on a dating website at the end of February. He was the first man I have dated in over a year and a half. We met within a couple weeks of talking on the phone, and initially hit it off.

am a single mother, and he is also the dad of two young boys. As a parent, I take my role very seriously, and expect the same out of a potential partner. This was one of the first things I talked with him about, and he gave me the strong impression that he was very active in his boys lives.

Things progressed rather quickly, especially on his end. I was initially a little concerned, but I decided to give him a chance and to me he seemed like a truly authentic and good man. He told me he loved me after a month. I was taken back by this, because I did not want to be suckered into another whirlwind romance. But again I believed he was genuine and I really connected with him, began to feel the same way.

As time went on, I noticed some things were not quite adding up as far as his sons go. I noticed he did not talk about them much, and he rarely talked to them on the phone while I was around. He only saw them maybe 4 times the 4 months we were together. Yes he has a demanding work schedule, but he only lives one hour away from them and their mother was not the kind to keep the kids away. A few times I brought up if he had seen or talked to his kids, and he was very vague about it. I asked him plain as day, "why aren't you seeing your kids more?" He told me he does not know but he knew he did not want to disappoint them. He said it had nothing to do with not feeling good enough or anything. His sister and law also mentioned that she did not know why he did not spend more time with them, and come to find out he left out of state with his ex girlfriend who had children last year. I asked him how could he leave his own kids like that, and again his response is, "I don't know." This really bothered me, and I told him one night on the phone that I did not feel right about it. It was not okay to spend time with me and call me, and not do the same consistently for his children. I also said to him, "what kind of man will you be for me or for my own child if you cannot be there for your own. If I don't see you making more of an effort, then I cannot enable this and I have to walk away." He was frustrated and got off the phone upset with me. Things went back to normal after that night and we continued to communicate regularly, and he even spent time with his sons the following weekend. I did feel a slight distance from him and he had the chance to come spend time with me (we live over and hour away from each other) but chose to spend it with his work buddy who is also an army veteran.

His work schedule continued to get more demanding. He is a truck driver for a local company, and refused to tell them no even when they had him working insane hours back to back. He says he was saving up money, and also come to find out he was not pushed to pay child support from his boys mother, because she lives with her well to do parents and did not need it. He bought his son a guitar, and knows how to string them, but sent his son home telling him to watch a YouTube video to learn how to do it. Because of his schedule, he was not seeing his boys, and not trying to see me. He had a full day off and did not take the time to visit them or me, and decided to sleep all day long. I understand being tired, but sleeping over 17 hours is a bit much. I told him to enjoy his day off all to himself when he got a hold of me that afternoon. I was aggravated because he chose to do that rather than spend time with people in his life. I had attempted to see him when I could and knew it was easier for me that him, and I was willing to put in the extra effort but did not get the same. I then began to question if I was what he really wanted and he said yes. I also asked if there was anyone else and he asked why I would ask him that and that of course I am the only woman for him and he is the most loyal person I would ever meet. He always gave me endless compliments and how perfect I was for him, and it bothered him that I doubted his feelings for me.

The next day, I never heard from him. Instead of whining or crying about it, I just texted him, "I'm alive! No wait I thought I could not breath for a second holding my breath waiting to hear from you!" Yes it was obviously sarcastic but I did not expect him to breakup with me through a text message. He told me I was a great woman, that I would find what I am looking for because he could not be the man I needed him to be because he works so much and is too focused on work. I still had his army field jacket and he told me to mail it back to him. He bought car parts and told me to Keep the money, but use part of it to mail his jacket back. And lastly, that my sarcasm was not appreciated since he is trying to be safe on the road. He did not have the decency to break up with me to my face or over the phone, and refused to talk to me after I tried calling. I was not begging for him to change his mind, but to have more respect for me and break up with me the way a grown man should. So of course I was not jumping on sending his jacket right away. I told him he could come get it, he accused me of stealing it. He threatened to take me to small claims court, I told him go ahead I have dealt with bigger and badder...he then proceeded to call me a "dumb bitch" and to keep the jacket. I said I would just burn it. I get called an "unpratriotic cunt". He then continues to be very disrespectful and says other nasty things, and I asked him why are you talking to me like that "I am the devil, I am evil and I am proud of it." I told him I would tell his family because he seemed to play the victim a lot in his other relationships, and his response was "bitch this is nothing...my family knows how evil i can be." He was involved in a motorcycle club, 6 year army (infantry) vet, and is from a family of outlaws and biker men.

I decided to drop off his jacket a couple of days later since I was working close to his town. I travel for work and thought this would be better to just get it over with. When I see him standing outside, of course my anger comes out. It never got physical, I just told him how I felt and how bad he treated me and turned in me for no reason. This man was sweet and tender with me, and I honestly did not think he would talk to me this way and treated like garbage. I would not leave right away, and he called the cops and his family on me to get me to leave. He then tells me, "you just would not leave me alone about my boys. You just kept pushing and pushing." I did not push, I just cared enough to tel the truth. I told him this and some other things, and he continuously told me "**** you" to everything I had to say. No one else in his life seemed to push him to do what's right, and just let him be the way he is. I left before the police or his family got there, not because I was scared, but because of who he turned into right in front of my eyes. We have not talked since, no word from him and I have not reached out. I'm just shocked someone could turn on me so fast, and turn into someone else. I am loyal and honest and have no ill motives and would not intentionally hurt anyone. This man said he was just as loyal and silly me I actually believed him. Your thoughts

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Candacestone23 - posted on 06/13/2017

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Thankyou so much for your input and perspective. You really helped give me peace that I was doing everything right thing. He saw me as his enemy for doing that, but if I did not care about him or his kids or even my own I would not have said a word. You sound like a very smart and compassionate woman and I wish you and your babies the best 💜

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View replies by

Somer - posted on 06/12/2017

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WOW Candace! So much to comment on here. Let me begin by stating your head is in the RIGHT place! I am 38 and have been married twice. I was in the military myself, and I must say, this is not uncommon among the males I have met both during and since my time in the service. I have been through the same "whirlwind romances", both before and since I have had children. Like you, I wish for something permanent, with someone who has the same fundamental values I have.

What you speak of is a fundamental moral issue, and truthfully, it doesn't matter whether you or he are "right" in the way you interact with your kids, because you have a strong moral belief that your children should be a larger part of your life, and no matter how you try to present it, this "man" is simply not going to get it. (I do agree with your perspective, just to be clear. :)

You seem passionate, which is something we have in common. It isn't that we need people to validate us, it is that when we find something to be fundamentally wrong, we simply want people to understand why we feel the way we do, in hopes they will wake up and say "OH, now I get it, and I understand you better, which will help me better interact with you. Thank you for that information, and for letting me know how precious children are. I will take more time with mine in the future." Unfortunately, this is not going to happen with that man, and deep inside you know this.

The man I last married was kind, sympathetic, genuine, and caring. Until he broke my wrist. He called me the big "C" a few times too, along with some other things. Don't get me wrong, I was complicit in arguments, and fighting, but that is not tantamount to deserving a broken wrist. (Something it has taken me a long time to learn.) This brings me to my next comment:

You shouldn't ask whether you are good for any man. Ask yourself FIRST if he is good for you and your children. In most cases, we as women don't know until we see. Meaning, you may introduce a man to your children, and because of some unforeseen behavior or reason, you may need to cut ties. Don't be afraid to do this. You seem to know that you and your children are a package deal. You came to the table prepared to meet and try to learn his children. He SHOULD do the same for you. Any decent person, (man or woman), should.

While four months doesn't seem like a long time to most people, it can seem like a lifetime when you change your routine to fit someone in. Let's face it, all of us single moms have to move mountains to be with men. This is because we have ambition and will, and fortitude. Always remember this. At one point, I was driving more than an hour each way to see a man that would never be "the one" for me and mine, and in the end, all I learned was that I was wasting gas. I knew deep down it wasn't going to work. What I wanted was far different than what was practical, or even right for me!

Most recently, my husband and I separated, and I even entertained the notion of dating him when I don't have my children, in a vain attempt to "have my cake and eat it too." Guess what I found? A man that I can't have around my children is not a man worth having. It takes some time to reach this point internally though. I totally understand "taking it to the mat" so to speak.

I suppose I would leave you with this... You are clearly a good mother, if these were concerns to you. You were within your RIGHT to be concerned, and you have good enough instincts to know when someone isn't good for you and your children. Follow these things and you will be fine!!! Being these things earns you the ability to CHOOSE who you are with, and you are deserving of the happiness you are trying to achieve. I can also assure you, you will find this kind of happiness when you are least expecting it, as isn't that how the story goes?!

You have my best wishes, and highest regards. I'll be keeping an eye out for you!

-SDF

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