going to be a single parent

Laura - posted on 05/28/2010 ( 56 moms have responded )

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I'm going to be a single parent soon, and I'm terrified and confident all at the same time. My relationship with my husband isn't working out, and needless to say this will be the outcome. He's still going to be very involved with our son's life, I just feel terrible in more than one way. This isn't what I wanted for our son, I wanted us to be the disgustingly happy family you see on t.v. Someone commented to me from another post about this topic and they said "why would you want to do that to your son?" I'm sorry but nobody WANTS this for your children, if anything I've stayed for a year trying to figure out what my deal is, how to fix it, how to make me feel the same way about my husband now as I did when we first got together. It's just not gonna happen, but my point for writing this is; is there a silver lining when you're a single parent? I know it's hard, well at least I've seen from other people that it's hard. But, where's the good? I know that raising your child is obviously good and any mother would want what's best for her kids, but what makes you confident and strong being a single parent? What makes you capable of caring for your child alone? I need positive reinforcements, I already know all the negative that comes along with raising someone alone, (well again his dad will still be there for him and also a big part of his life), I just wanted some optimism for my decision because I'm so scared it's not even funny.

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Candice - posted on 05/28/2010

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i could give you a million "silver linings". being a sinle parent really has its benefits...heck, being single has its benefits. but i won't lie...it will be hard. but you know that already..so here's my list of positives:

you only have your and your son's laundry to do...not your husband's

you can eat what YOU want for supper, when you want, and not have to worry about what your husband wants.

you can make your own decisions about the rules in YOUR house.

you can go where you want with your child when you want without having to consult another person's plans.

you can't resent a man for not doing his part if he isn't around! (my ex used to put a pillow over his head if the baby cried at night...heck, if i have to get up, at least now i don't have to watch that!)

you will never be questioned about your parenting decisions while the child is in your care...because there's no one else there who has a say in it.

as for what makes you confident and strong?...well, you will soon find out just how strong you are ...you do it because you have to. you go without sleep, without help, you figure it all out BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO...and a year from now you will be amazed at your own strength. you'll be just fine. if i can survived a baby who screamed all the time, got sick every 3 weeks, and somehow did it all alone while going to school full time (and i'm one of those "i was totally unprepared for being a mom" types) you'll be just fine.

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Jodie - posted on 02/17/2011

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i know how you feel, i have just become a single mum myself to my daughter, and her dad was very involved but started letting her down and not turning up all the time! dont let him do that you though, make sure he does stay involved with your son

Ashley - posted on 02/16/2011

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You know, I wanted that discusting happy television family for my kids, as well. I know how you feel. But looking back on my childhood...I would have been a lot happier & a lot better off if my parents would have broke it off before I could even remember them being together. They fought constantly...tried to make it work countless times..& failed miserably leading me through this bullshit about which parent is better & so on. I have learned so much from them & how I was raised..I have learned to be different....to be better. I tried to make it work with my kids' father..but he obviously does not want to put forth the effort to be a responsible dad...just wants to be the 'fun dad' & also...pretty much screw who ever he wants. I don't want my kids to have to deal with our constant battles & fighting..cheating..lying..all that nasty stuff children sadly get dragged into with fighting mom's & dad's.

Pretty much what I'm trying to say is..you are doing the right thing by splitting up if it's just not working for you personally..what's good for the mama is good for the baby. Your child will be much, much happier with you two being apart & civil rather than together & miserable.

Hope I helped a little. :)

Monique - posted on 02/16/2011

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Laura relax life its ok to be scared not knowing whats going to happen raising a baby can be challenging but exciting at the same time I had my first child at age 18 and to tell you the truth it was scary but I had plenty of support that is the main thing abd you also neee to have faith that God will guide you, you will be fine you being a singlr parent is hard but having two parents is still hard so either way its difficult just keep your head held high ....God Bless ..

Hannah - posted on 08/01/2010

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i have been a single mum for almost 2 yrs now to my 3 wonderful children. 15,11 and 6. the good things about single parenting... well, seeing the smile on ur kids faces when you get home from work. we have game/movie nites and that keeps the fun in the house. we all pitch in and help with the housework and its all my decisions on wot gets bought, sold etc. i also have depression but so far there hasnt been many down days. all i can say is do wot you feel is right and everything will fall into place. my kids and i are so much better off where we are now than if i had of stayed with my husband. and i have my family who continually praise me with how i am doing

Davina - posted on 06/11/2010

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Being overwhelmingly happy is positive. Why should you live life with a man only to be miserable. Who knows what is gonna become of a relationship whereas two people are together that dont want to be together? Most likely abuse, whether physical or verbal. That is not good for the child. Life is too precious and we should live as it is our last days. I am a single parent with three beautiful boys and needless to say each one of my children have different fathers but I did not plan for it to be that way, that is the way it is. I have learned to have patience and endure the hardships that arise from being a single parent. I dont bother them and they dont bother me. I have to be able to provide for my boys and create an environment that is postive and focused for them. I dont have men around my children, I dont leave them at my friends house. I dont party(At All). I comitted to raising them properly without there dad. At least your child father is going to participate. Girl it is not something that I am proud of but I am happy. Happy to get up in the morning minus all the bullshit. I have a loving family that help me out sometimes and I thank god for them. I work very hard, pray each and every day, and I am about to obtain my masters degree from VCU in December maybe January. You should understand that it would be fantastic to be with the father of your child and live the family life as seen on t.v., but that television crap is entertainment, it is not reality. I dont mean any harm but girl you are about to give birth, you have no time for the crap, get with it, focus, pray because your about to enter motherhood. What a wonderful wonderful joy. Hit me up on facebook, pattersondt@vcu.edu.

Sallie - posted on 06/11/2010

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Being a single mother is one of the hardest jobs you will ever do, however it is also extremely rewarding. You get to experience all the awesome things like first words, first steps and first teeth, as well as all the tough things like sleepless nights and the endless worry that you might not be doing the job right. I am a mother without a partner and my life is crazy busy with an almost 2 year old and working part time, but in the end, I know I am doing the very best I can for my little one because she is growing up in an environment where she is the centre of both her parents lives, even if we live apart. Even though her dad and I don't love each other, we love her and by not being together, we don't fight and argue anymore which is the best thing for all involved. I felt completely different about him once she was born and it wasn't fair on anyone to pretend otherwise. You have the power to be the best mother to your child, you learn your child's habits and routines and likes and dislikes and they are very adaptable. There are positives and negatives in any situation - I was petrified of the tiny little person I had brought into the world until I realised that I knew instinctively what I needed to do to keep her happy, healthy and she is now thriving as an independant, social being.

The one thing that is important to remember is, that even those mother's who look perfect on the outside, they've all had doubts and fears and worry about their parenting skills. You're not alone as a single parent because surrounding you are people willing to lend a hand when you need one. There's no shame in asking for help if you need some time for you. Just be accepting.

I wish you luck

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Hi Laura I really feel for you, it is and was the hardest decision for me as well. I became a single parent when my son was 2. It has been hard, but I can say it is no harder than raising him in an unloving and unhappy home life. There is a silver lining. I work hard to stay to the positive, relax, do yoga, stay connected with my son, in tune, communicating. Model all the best behavior you can. One of the biggest lessons I learned was to stay supportive of his life while at his dad's. Saying positive things about his father even when I didn't want to. You two while separate are still a team and partners in raising him if you can muster or work toward that. So it did not work out. nearly 45% of kids in our society are dealing with 2 homes or at least separated parents. It is the norm and there is a lot more support these days for it. For me, I ignore the negatives, strive to stay positive and that you get to invent the kind of live 2 homes will provide for your son. It doesn't have to be brutal. Again it is hard, but I do not find it any harder than when we tried to be a family. It's just different. Hopefully you have good friends and family close. That can help. I am alone w/ no family close by, however I have dear friends and we all coop times and try to stay connected. Wishing you all the best hope and strength. -Shea in MT

[deleted account]

hey mommy
bieng a sinlge mommy is a full time job but im sure you know that . somehow you get the strength to wake up and feedbaby, sleep for four hours , work your day job n be back home in time for her bath only to start the routine over. sucks sometimes i won't lie but wot i love about each phase is that it never lasts forever . so the positives ?

you get to watch your son grow past each stage
you are the most influential person in your son's life
you can raise him to be a better man :)
you have a companion for life .

so hang in there and do wot you think is best but most important of all PRAY God is alive and faithful try Him ! All the best .

[deleted account]

Being a single parent is AWESOME! I left my husband when my daughter was 9 weeks old. I've just moved in with my boyfriend and it's really hard to share her. When I was by myself I made ALL the calls. If I thought she needed disciplining, then I would decide how to do it. If I decided that she wasn't allowed cookies, then she wasn't. If I decided that she had to be in bed at 6pm, then that's what happened! Now I have to negotiate, and compromise and share! Being a solo mum makes you feel awesome. It's the best thing in the world. I miss it. You'll be fine!

Tamara - posted on 06/09/2010

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The best thing i found for them to understand even when young is go to the puplic library and get some books.... Do you read to them at night... I did... and i got some bookes about different types of families / seperating/ divorce at the kids level easy for them to understand.... it sure helped me....

Julie - posted on 06/08/2010

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I am a single mother of a 3 year old I must say seeing a smile on her face or the classic telling me to have a good day is just priceless!! she keeps me going sometimes!! I just say that you need to do what makes you happy well atleast happiest because like they say when your happy your babies happy!! but its so true crazy they can pick up on that stuff!!

Jaqueline - posted on 06/07/2010

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Dear Mum,

I was recently where you are now. My son is happy. I am a lot happier. And the craziest part? My son's dad has stepped up and become a MUCH better parent than he was before. You can do it, and you can be happier. The part I cherish is not having someone second-guessing all my decisions, and actions. I can make choices that are good for me and my son, and the little guy will be fine, and so will yours. Be strong and take care of yourself. If friends and family offer to help out: LET THEM!

Kylie - posted on 06/07/2010

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hi , i have been a single parent for 8 years now . it is hard at first , i wouldn't change a thing .i work from home and around my 2 beautiful girls and i love it. Opportunity
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Kerri - posted on 06/07/2010

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I just read your post and felt compelled to write a response. I am a single mother who got divorced from my son's father when my son was just a one and half years old. It was the best thing I could have ever done - for my son and for me! I made the choice because I did not want my son to grow up in a home where he would witness an unhappy relationship on a daily basis. I also felt that I couldn't be the best mother possible to my son when my attention was also focused on my unhappy marriage. For these reasons, I had no doubt that my son would be better off having one parent who was healthy and happy than two parents who were unhappy. I knew I couldn't control what my ex-husband would do with his life and what kind of a father he would ultimatley be but I could make sure that I gave my son my best effort as a mother. My son is now 14 years old and thriving! It has not been an easy road but I can tell you from watching my married friends that, in most ways it has been so much easier than raising a child in an unhappy marriage, Here are some perks I have experienced 1. You get to make the decisions about child rearing and values (at least in your home) 2. You don't have to spend tireless hours arguing, negotiating, comprimising, etc. about day to day decisions related to your child. 3. You will have a really special and unique closeness with your son because you will have more quality alone time together (your ex can too if he is chooses). 4. Your son really will be okay and quite likely much more happy and healthy than he would have been if you stayed in an unhappy marriage. Let me qualify this my saying that I really admire those couples who have genuinely healthy and happy relationships and who are able to be better parents together than they could ever be alone. Having said that, I admire those women (and men) who have the courage, strength and wisdom to leave a marraige for the sake of thier children's well being and happiness - even though it is against cultural norms. I have absolutley loved parenting my son alone over the course of the last 13 years. It was, without a doubt, the best choice that I could have made. Of course there are challenges and times when I wished that I had someone to talk through parenting issues with, or to help with child care. At those times I turned to my friends and family - and I also drew on an inner strength that helped me to grow as a person. I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed raising my son in my own - and my son is very happy too! You and your son will be okay - and both of you may be better off because of your courageous decision to choose happiness!

Lorelei - posted on 06/06/2010

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being a single parent is extremely hard but ive done it for 3 years now everythings a struggle but my daughter has everything she NEEDS. Every parents different but im better off as a single parent as my ex partner was a violent abusive drug taker and thats not the lifestyle i want to bring my daughter up in. so theres my motivation for being a single mum i think shes better off because yes im tired and overwelmd sometimes but im happy and she sees me happy wich makes her happy. Everyday i wake up and look at my daughter see shes happy healthy and smart so i no im doing somethings right thats my motivation that keeps me confident that im a good single mum

Lynne Marie - posted on 06/06/2010

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Hi I've been a single parent for 14 years. I'm not going to tell you it will be easy because it's not but you do learn to cope with it. My son has ADHD, Aspergis Syndrome, Dyslexia and Disbraxia so as you can see Ive had my hands full. It has been hard, his father gave me a choice when he found out I was pregnant, he told me to either get rid of the baby or loose him, as you can see I chose my son and wouldn't have had it any other way he is my world now. You will be ok and you will cope, you learn to and I'm sure you will be fine.

Cassandra - posted on 06/05/2010

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Hi Laura, any advice or what not i have to say i'm sure a lot of other ladies have said it.

But, I wanted to tell my story a bit, my daughter is nearly 9 months old and the day I found out I was pregnant was the 3rd most terrifying day of my life (the 1st would be when I was induced with labor and ended up having to have an emergency c-section, and the 2nd would be when I found out my incision site was infected it was a long healing process)

Everything I went through with my daughter c-section, she was born with a cyst on her neck and nobody had any idea so she was flown 2 hours away the same night she was born to a children's hospital where she spent the first 2.5 weeks of her life, my incision becoming infected, and holding my little one for the first time wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into and there was no way shape or form I was ready to be a mom, I wanted to run away from it all I was so overwhelmed and terrifyed. But even being away from her for a few hours drove me crazy. I wasn't happy most of my pregnancy and didn't really get to enjoy much of it, I dreaded being a single parent and so i was depressed most of the time and her father who i was madly in love with and was my best friend had enlisted in the navy several months before i got pregnant and i found out i was preggers 2 weeks before he had to go to bootcamp. We've never actually been a couple either, and so he's been off in the navy doing his own thing and has only seen her twice. And it took me a while for the whole mothering instinct/love thing to kick in. I also had a bad case of postpartum depression.

My point in telling all of this is that going through that entire experience I realized after a month or two that it was the best decision of my life having my daughter. She is my life now and if I had it all to do over again I would without any hesitation.

The positives I can think of:
As others have mentioned co-sleeping (yes its not recommended but I love it!)
Waking up to your beautiful baby
Watching them grow and reach milestones
Being able to parent how you want to
Taking her wherever I want to when I want to
Not having to work around some visitation schedule (since her father is in the navy we don't have one)
Having her on all holidays (so far anyway!)
Being the one in charge and not having to answer to anyone else about her care

Being a single mom is the most difficult job anyone can have in my opinion, the late nights, the crying/fit throwing nights when they fight their sleep or are sick or because of teething, Not being able to go out with friends whenever I want to, or even just being able to get up and go on a moments notice.

Its the most difficult but its also the BEST! her little laugh instantly makes me forget how sleep deprived or frustrated I am. Her smile is infectious, we have laughing matches when she's laying on her changing table and i'm digging through her drawers finding her something to wear.

And just like others do you find the strength because you HAVE to, because NOBODY else is going to do it for you. You go about your day with only an hour or two of sleep because you must, because nobody is going to raise your child for you. Because being a single parent is a full time job 24/7. And you may wonder if you have the strength or confidence to do it, but once you hold that baby in your arms and you take him/her home and its just the two of you and that baby depends on you for everything to survive some how you just have the strength. Its there inside of you just like its inside of all of us, the strength will be there when you need it.

The love you will have for your child is unlike any other love you've experienced, and that love makes everything possible.

Donna - posted on 06/05/2010

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There are so many wonderful things posted here already. I will only add that YOU CAN DO THIS! and You will do it well simply because you care. You do not have to do everything alone. There are other women who can and will help you if you ask, just as yyou see here... I raised 2 kids 400 miles away from any family, put ,yslef through college, graduvated with honors, drove 65 miles a day to get the kids to day care go to school, work part time and did my homework when theywent to sleep. I graduated with honors. The kids were happy and healthy. Yes, i got tired but I had other single mother girlfrineds for support and those were some of the happiest days of my life. My kids are now 35 and 37, well adjusted, happily married and I have 3 grandkids. YOU CAN DO THIS! Write to me any time you need advice, Blessings on your day,Donna

IDALIA - posted on 06/05/2010

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Laura, 2 b honest with u. Being a single parent is not for everybody. If u feel that u can do it just do it. Yes, sometimes you may heard comments from people or even ur own family telling negatives stuff. Do not give up, 1st think about u "r u happy in that relationship", Do u think that u can make an effort to change and make things to go better/? A relationship is for 2 not 1. If u r unhappy but he still love u and u don't want to b there anymore,well you need to step out of that relationship knowing that what is coming forward is a different journey. Mentally,u have to b prepare to face everything. Attitude is the key, take the journey as a challenge. Examine urself if u can or not to go trough it. Some other people already told u the advantages being a single parent. I do not want to repeat what they told u,but the best thing of being a single parent is that all ur time is for ur child and u don't have to split it between partner and kids. All ur attention will be on him/her and u use ur time in doing what u want. Enjoy ur child they grow fast, the baby stages will not come back.

Andrea - posted on 06/05/2010

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I knew from day one that I was going to be a single parent. And to be honest I wouldn't change it. I don't have to worry about day to day issues of I'm doing things this way, and he does them that way and it all confuses the poor child. I don't have the issues of him saying I want this or that, or to do things this way, or have to justify what and how I do things.
In saying that my daughters father is not in the picture period, and it can be hard. We have a good circle of support from my mum and my friends.
Trust yourself, let your family and friends be there for you, and as long as everything you do is for yours and your child benefit, everything will be fine.
Love and light.

Kellie - posted on 06/04/2010

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hi, i am a single mum and i have 4 children all under the age of 6, they all have the same father and he was never there to help i have done it all on my own and i decided that was it last year and said no more cause the relationship was just not working. the out come through the whole process is amazing u build a better confidence for ur self, u have this amazing bond with ur children cause u play both roles, ur children will respect u for the decision and support u 100%. i feel there is no hard moments of been a single mum, they are learning steps which helps bettter oursleves, dont get me wrong u do have those downer days but only to be wiped when u see ur child do something funning, amazing, etc. just remember if ur not and ur partner is not happy ur child see this all which effects him, so do the right thing and make ur child he will appreciate in years to come. dont be scared just charge forward and u will make it. i dont have any regrets for been a single mum i love it, it's what has made me stronger.

Alexis - posted on 06/04/2010

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hi Laura, i wont say it is easy being a single parent but it is rewarding, i have been married twice my first husband left when i had a 7 and 9yo, i was terrified, i worked part time, studied part time, got myself involved in my kids sports and started to find myself, i was single for 2yrs and met my second husband, we had another 2 boys and it wasnt the best of relationships, i left him with my 22 month old and my 5month old, both my boys have medical issues and it wasnt easy, my stress levels were through the roof and i couldnt cope but i found support groups and my older sons were wonderful.. it has been 3 yrs, i have all my kids with me, (20yo, 18yo, 4yo, 3yo) plus my older boys girlfriends, it has taken me 3yrs to feel like i can cope on my own, my stress levels have come down, i send the younger boys to daycare 3 days a week and their dad has them every weekend, my ex is involved with the younger boys quite a bit..
it is hard not to worry about them when they are with their dad but i remind myself that this is MY time and i DESERVE this break....
i also have a diary for each of my kids, when i have a really horrible day i sit down before i go to bed and i write only the positives out of that day.. nothing negative goes in the diaries. it could be things like mummy loved the cuddles before daycare or mummy loved the way you played nicely with your brother.... i also have a diary for myself that i write positive things in.. when i feel down on myself i write things like I AM AWSOME, I HAVE A LOVELY SMILE, I AM A WONDERFUL MUM, i have found that this helps....
every situation is different, every family is different, i know i have rambled a bit but i hope you find reasured by what i have written...
take care alexis

Jennifer - posted on 06/04/2010

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Well as a single mother of a 13 year old I can tell you that all days will not be bad, you just have to do your best, and love your son unconditionally,, dont over compensate for what he maybe missing as that will be the worst mistake as he gets older. Dont try to smother him, but dont give him to much freedom either, If you have you family close by see them regularly raise him up with them so that he will not feel lonely and all will be well. He will love you no matter what.Just ask his father not to bad talk you or say negative things about you to his son, tell him that it is ok for each of you when it happen also to have other partners, but never neglect him for that partner.Make major decision with his dad if or when possible.

Stephanie - posted on 06/04/2010

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I fought the same inner-battle when my son was just turning 3 and my daughter was due to be born. You are VERY capable of raising a child separate from their father. Hopefully, your child's father will keep his involvement in your child's life. After battling back and forth with my heart and brain over what was wrong or right for my children, I decided it was healthier for my children, and myself to be a single parent, that it would be worse for them to be in an unhealthy environment! Being scared is natural, but it does make you stronger and to me, your bond with your child is even stronger! Good luck in whatever decision you make! Financially it can be tough, other than that if you are a good Mom, you can have perfectly happy children that can have a very healthy relationship with the father as long as both parents can be "adult"!

Jennifer - posted on 06/04/2010

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i am starting in a similar situation except baby daddy wants the kids... i am considering giving him the kids bc i know that i have to get on my feet to be able to take care of my kids... i know i sound like a bad mom but i feel that its best....

Gina - posted on 06/04/2010

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I'm literally going through the same EXACT thing as you.... I try not to think of it as a bad thing... there are a lot of single mothers out there, and the father of their child is completely absent from the baby's life, so for that, I suppose, be thankful (even if it does make it harder sometimes).
Just stay strong! And keep in mind -- it really isn't anyone else's business as to why you and your husband aren't staying together... you're doing this for the sake of your child. Either be a positive single mother, or a miserable married one. I think the choice is pretty easy. Good luck!!!

Barbara - posted on 06/04/2010

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I have brought up three sons as a single parent and my relationship with them is excellent, as we were able to build a good relationship, based on quality time together without a partner 'in the way'.

That's a really good 'positive' for being a single parent.

Kelly - posted on 06/04/2010

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Hi Laura. I know exactly how you feel. When I got married I thought it was forever. My husband and I at the time wanted a family so we started right after we were married. Needless to say, things didn't work out. After about two years of marriage, it was over. It's tough I won't lie. I came from divorced parents, and growing up I always said that I wanted to do things right. I wanted to find that perfect guy to marry and start a family with. That perfect life. I never wanted or expected to be a single parent, but here I am. I never wanted this for my daughter. I wanted her to have a complete loving family. People say you should stay together for the childs sake, but I don't believe that. Your child grows up watching you and how you do things. Now if you were to stay together just to make the child happy, they are going to see that. They will see how their parents aren't happy and grow up thinking that is how it should be. You are setting the example for your kids, is that the example you want to set? You need to do what is best for you and your child. Things are going to be rough, I will not lie.

Your son is going to be a big part of your life. You will be setting most of the rules. Not to mention, when your son hits certain milestones, you will be the one he shares them with. Nothing is better than seeing your child grow up. Not to mention it builds your character knowing its you who is raising your child, teaching them what they need to know to become who they are. Being a single parent is going to make you stronger mentally, physically, emotionally because you know you are the one taking care of you and your child.

It is going to be a scary ride, but all worth it in the end. You are stronger than you know.

Steff - posted on 06/04/2010

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The feeling of relief you get after leaving a bad relationship is the silver lining. Not having to check in with anyone, or plan your life according to what he wants, or be judged on the things you want to do. At first it's hard, and it's definitely an adjustment to get used to. But the relief is great. My son's dad left after we had been married only 10 months, and my son was only 16 months old. It was hard having to go back to work, and then seeing him in a new relationship shortly after our split. But I don't miss him at all. I love my life, I do the things that I want to do, and I can give my son a much better life than my ex would have provided for us. Be strong, you can do it! Find support in your friends and family - they want to see you and your son happy no matter what

Susannah - posted on 06/04/2010

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The good is that it's better to be alone than in a lonely marriage. Your son will see, by your example, how strong his mother. It is better for his parents to be happy separately than unhappy together. And the silver lining I never realized until I didn't have my son every other weekend? You have a little downtime, to focus on your happiness.

Tracy - posted on 06/03/2010

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What ever the case is, always remember that your responsibility is in protecting and caring for that child of yours. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT CHILD'S FATHER'S HAPPINESS. When things start to get tough and you begin to compartmentalize the single parent thing with, "I'm a single mother and am doing this alone because his/her father made this happen!" YOU ARE WRONG. You chose to get pregnant with the hopes that by having a child it would make things better or that your husband would "settle down".

I may be way out of line by saying this, but I'm a single mother and am now going through an ugly custody battle with my baby's father all due to false hopes and pretenses I chose to believe in. Always remember, no matter what hopes you may be holding onto for yourself and having that pathetically TV Land happy family, your emotional distress will affect your abilities in being the mother that God created you to be.

Believe in yourself and your abilities to be a GREAT mother. DO NOT GIVE IN to your husbands empty promises. If you choose to do this, you will single handedly be ruining your health and well being and that of your child. Yes, I'm being very curt only to hopefully communicate to you how important it is for you to continue being the intelligent, loving, warm hearted mother to be that you already are.

Denise - posted on 06/03/2010

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hey! i really do know how you feel at 8 months pregnant i find out my baby dad is back with his so call ex girl friend. it was really had to be stong but i kep sayin to my self soon ill get over it all i kept thinking about was my baby seeing her smile etc dont think about being alone i know at times u do feel like wanting him there but now am so baby to be a mom i really dont miss having a man you get so bust in being a mom loving him/ her so why stress ur self.. god bless wish u luck

Shanna - posted on 06/03/2010

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I was with my ex for little under three years, during which I got pregnant with our daughter. He was a drug addict, an alcoholic, and when he got angry he would take it out on me half the time, usually with harsh words but occasionally it got physical. I got up the nerve to leave one day and I haven't looked back since. It is hard. You have to be two parents and you have to give certain things up, like free time before bedtime and nights out with the girls. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. It isn't fair to the child or to you to live in an environment where people are not happy and do not get along, and there is no hope of reconciliation. The idea that got me moving was "is this the kind of example I want my daughter to learn from when she gets older?"

You are strong because you have to be. You take it one day at a time and eventually you'll look back and see how far you've come. It's been 8 months for me now. My daughter is about to turn 21 months old and she is happy and healthy. Her father and I split custody (I'm not happy but she does deserve to see her father, despite my feelings on the subject). I won't lie, I cried myself to sleep for the few weeks, but it gets better in time. Look into your son's eyes everyday and know that the decision to live your life on your terms, that your refusal to live in a situation that wasn't good for anyone involved, was a good one. Do not feel terrible for wanting to live a happy and stable life. This can happen without his father in your life all the time. And who knows, maybe the guy who will make you deliriously happy is waiting around the corner for you to find him.

the silver lining: your child's smile and laughter and your ability to enjoy it freely without the problems of a relationship tarnishing that time or memory

Carrie - posted on 06/03/2010

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My father once told me that you can do anything you have to do, and I have found he is right. He was in combat in the Korean War and as a little girl I would say, "I don't know how you did it," and that was his standard reply. You have to get through some things so you can become confident. The only way out is through, and once you get to the other side, you will realize that you made it... and there will be your confidence!

[deleted account]

Hi. Obviously there are a lot of us strong, single moms out there! :) Just trust that you are doing the right thing. I am confidnent raising my daughter as a single mom becuase I know I am teaching her that it is not okay to stay in a loveless relationship and I am teaching her self-confidence through my own actions. Also, staying together for the kids often only makes them feel guilty when they get older and realize there their parents' marriage is broken.

My advice is to stay as civil as possible with your ex, whether in front of your child or not. This helps ease the tension and make the transition, and ongoing, much easier. If your child ever asks why you aren't living together anymore, be honest but simple. My daughter asked why we couldn't all live together again, and I told her that we both loved her dearly, but her Daddy and I just couldn't live together anymore.

The other advice that I have is that it is okay to rely on family and friends for help and support. Don't feel bad about it... take advantage!!!

All the best to you....

Melissa - posted on 06/03/2010

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You aren't alone! I am the mother of a 17 month old and her dad and I are in the middle of a divorce. Life happens and sometimes you just can't fix it no matter how hard you try! Don't worry about what others say about you, only you know what is best for you and your child. I know that you are a strong woman because if you weren't you would just stick around in a lousy marriage "for the sake of the kids." Best of luck to you from one single mom to another. Remember to be strong for your son, be a good role model, and most of all PRAY!! Through HIM all things are possible and you will be just fine!!!!

Ashleigh - posted on 06/03/2010

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Dont be afraid, im a single Mum to my daughter and have never been so happy, we have a fantastic relationship and dont have to worry about anyone other than ourselves. Stop beating yourself up, things dont work out thats fine, all your little boy wants is a happy Mummy and a happy Daddy, doesnt matter if ur together or not as long as ur happy he will be to. There are so many positives, think of just the 2 of u, ur relationship gets stronger as its like "the two of u against the world" ur a team u and ur son, enjoy him on your own, I promised u'll be fine. p.s Think of the times when ur son spends time with his Daddy you'll also be able to make new friends are meet up with old friends. Take care and thinking about you xxoo

Jodi - posted on 06/02/2010

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I know where you are coming from. However, I never had a husband or even a "daddy" for my girls, as their father walked out of mine and their life with the phrase "I think I may be pregnant" However, I am a single mother to 4 y/o twin girls and yes, it is hard. I've made a decision to not involve my girls' dad in their life because my motto is "bad people in your life is sometimes worse than them not being in your life" You said someone asked "why would you want to do this to your son" Again, children are smarter than we give them credit for, and I'm also a firm believer that he would be able to pick up on the tension in your home the older he got, which may affect him worse than having to share time with mommy and daddy. You are fortunate that the father will be a big part of your son's life, but you will be the sole provider and the one who will do most of the parenting and yes, it will be hard, but you will find strength that you never thought you had, you find it and you keep trucking along, for the well-being of your child. You just have to remember that it's okay to take time for yourself, every parent needs a breather sometime. You may even be surprised the people who will help you along the way. It can be done, and remember, keep the communication open with your son as he get older, explain to him (as I do my girls) the different types of families and why your family is the way it is (of course without negative impact). We, women, don't give ourselves enough credit, but in the end, we, (as you are, too) are very powerful and very strong human beings!!!

Alisha - posted on 06/02/2010

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Try reading the book "The Love Dare," it is an amazing look at what love really is and could save your marriage. Love is not about feelings and if every couple called it quits when the feelings weren't there anymore, no one would stay married. I will pray for you and staying together would be ideal but no one is obviously going to make you. I hope you check that book out and/or watch the movie "Fireproof" they are both really great dear!

Kat - posted on 06/02/2010

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God bless you. I was there too, in your exact shoes. I was terrified and crying and a wreck before my son was born (almost 2 years ago). His father and I were in a long distance relationship that didn't work out. We were together for the birth, but he went home shortly after that. Like I said, I was a wreck. It's a terrifying experience knowing that you're bringing this little person into the world "by yourself".

The silver lining is this, though: one day, not long after your son is born, you will cry. You will be holding him, maybe rocking him to sleep and you will see him drift off and you will cry. Then you'll realize, as you start to dry your tears, that that little boy is yours, and that nothing can take that joy and love away. You'll be stronger after this. When he smiles that first smile, it will be for you alone. There will be lots of sleepless nights, but each one is another moment for you to bond with your child. As he grows older, his laughter will be for you. His first words, his first "I love you"s will only be for you. You'll be the only person in the world who he'll fall asleep for, the only person who can kiss away boo-boos. He'll learn to give hugs and kisses, and every one is more special than the last because they're all just for you. And on top of all of that, you might get to experience the greatest thing of all: someone else falling in love with your child. There's nothing like having someone you love, who makes you happier than ever before, fall in love with the only person you could ever love more than life itself.

I know it's terrifying right now. I know you feel guilty. I didn't want this for my son either. Remember that the ideal family situation is one that loves and cares for one another. You being a single parent doesn't make you less of a person, less of a mother, or less loving or caring. It makes you more grateful for all of the little moments, sleepless night, temper tantrums, colds, hugs, kisses, laughter, and downright silliness that parenthood encompasses. Easier said than done: don't be scared. Focus all of that energy into loving yourself and loving that little boy. You're not alone. Make friends on here who can support you when you need it.

Being a single mom is crazy. It's a truly wild ride. But at the end of the day, when my little boy is sleeping and I think back on all of his smiles and the fun we had, it is more than worth it.

Candice made a great point. You do everything because you have to. You really will be amazed at your own strength. Do what's best for yourself and your son. You can absolutely do it. I wouldn't be half the person or have half the opportunities I've had if I didn't have my little boy.

Jordan - posted on 06/02/2010

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What I've found that makes me a confident single mom is my daughter. She's only two but she's the reason I do all that I do!! I get my strength from her. I can't speak for anyone else but hearing her laugh and watching her run and play is the best thing to me. She's never known her father (he ran out when I was 7 months pregnant) but I look at the littler person she is now and I see nothing but a happy little girl. And I think to myself she's happy because I'm happy. Don't get me wrong I would love my girl to know her father but she's just fine without him, and that's because she has her mommy who would/will move heaven and earth to make sure she is taken care of.
So take strength from your sons smile and his happiness. Do what's best for you and the best will follow for your son because if you aren't happy kids know and they in turn won't be happy!

Best of luck!!!

Andrea - posted on 06/02/2010

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Think of your son as your ammo... pretty soon you get the hang of it and you will be able to take on the world!... just know you are not the first or the last and If it was done at hardest times by less fortunate women, why can't it be done by you? It's empowering... Good luck... you'll be fine! :) just really enjoy your child and when you think you're stuck and the whole situation just really sucks, look at your kid... you'll know you'll be fine... God does not take us down a path where his grace isn't able to guide and protect us...Hakuna matata honey! :)

Claudia - posted on 06/02/2010

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Being a single parent is hard work, yet when you love kids though; it's never a problem, the expressions on their face and their delight when they discover something new is always worth it. And doing it alone? I just got on with it, children need stability and the reward is love and a sense of accomplishment when they have a balanced life and pass it on. Staying in a bad relationship is more damaging to the children and the subliminal messages we give them. It’s ok to have mixed feelings of elation and total fear of the things we don’t know that are to come. If you feel you are doing the right thing for you, ultimately it will be the right thing for your child.

I too had this vision of being a happy family, walking hand in hand on the beach watching the children play but it got shattered in an instant when my partner decided to move on. It was very hard to deal with the rejection and there were some really dark days but throughout this time I never let my hurt get in the way of caring for my daughter and managed to accept the situation for what it is…. it is what it is!

If there is one piece of advice I would suggest: do not cut the father out of your children’s lives – he’s hurting too – learn to come to an amicable arrangement when he gets to share time with his kids and to interact politely with each other. As they grow up they will respect you for that.

To me the single most important thing I could ever have done is to be able to co-parent successfully. There are some very good books out about co-parenting and shared parenting which you can take out from the library or even google this information. As parents we sat down, discussed the ‘rules’ to make it work i.e. their bed time, pick-up / drop-off arrangements, contact with each other…etc. It may pay you to spend the time to draw up a parenting agreement (google the form). When you are able to do that you will find that you are far happier in your new life, whether you chose to leave him or he left you – because you don’t have this added anxiety to all the changes. Your kids will love you for it too having a stable environment.

One last thought… we chose to pick-up our daughter from each other’s houses rather than dropping her off as it is a nicer feeling for her to be picked up than to be dropped off… think about that :). Good luck... if it comes from the heart whatever you do, you are doing the right thing.

Noa - posted on 05/31/2010

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if your relationship with your husband is really over, then move on.
dont be scared, its okey, another chapter!Life is too short you need to be happy also.but ofcourse you need to have alot of talk to your ex and set certain rules, your rules since that's you life now without him...its a challenge.
i was able to cope with it, it's been 5 years since i decided to be single...i now work, raising my son alone and happy!i proved everyone that im a proud mom and single.if i was able to do it you can too.be brave and pray a lot for proper guidance.

Natasha - posted on 05/30/2010

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your going to have many hard days when you feel fusterated that you know and believe me i have days that i could litterally siut down because i too wanted that happy family for my kids.. the positives are simply this your son won't feel the tense air surrounding you two, there are many things you two will do that will strenthen the bond between a mother and son. you will appericate more the time you do have with your son as i assume his dad will still be there to help and support him as well. at night there are going to be hugs and kisses and mommy i loves you and always there are the smiles that let you know you've done your job and as you know even in the mist of everything wrong just one smile from your baby can make everything alright and even though i dont know you i will give you my email address or you can add me here on facebook and i will always listen,. sometimes all you need is somebody to listens that understands

Becci - posted on 05/30/2010

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yes i agree does help having someone elses point of veiw who isnt close to you.i wish you alot of luck and strength and happiness for the future. you only get one life and you got to enjoy it. x

Laura - posted on 05/29/2010

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I agree with you becci, all these moms are wonderful! Really they are, it's strange how people you don't even know can make you feel better than people who are closest to you sometimes, maybe because their judgement's not clouded by a bias opinion bc they know us personally! I wish you luck and a lot of strength, because I am realizing that this will be the most difficult test of strength in my life so far, and yours too

Becci - posted on 05/29/2010

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i read your question and understand how you feel i hav an 18 month old and a 9 week old.i have tried everything to make my relationship work and now we are trying a break.its scary and dont feel things will work out how i would like cos like you just want to be a happy family together but doesn always work like that and children pick up on the tension and if your not happy. just want to say thank you to all the replys you had cos it has made me feel better that i am making the right decision and doing wots best for the children in the long run x

Laura - posted on 05/29/2010

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thank you for your advice chevone :) all of this postive feedback is helping me a lot!!!! ironically my family is scared for me which isn't the best motivation so far, but i'm keeping my wits and these comments are helping me a lot :) thank you so much!

Chevone - posted on 05/29/2010

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I say a happy parent is better than an unhappy wife - I believe that one should not stay with your partner for the sake of the child 'cause no child can be happy in an unhappy environment/relationship.All the best.

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