Heart broken And Confused

Aly - posted on 07/16/2010

I know exactly how you feel. My ex husband did the same thing to me. I met a wonderful man that was going to adopt my son, but my ex found out about him and didn't like it. He didn't want me, but he didn't want anyone else to have me either. I went to California to spend 3 weeks with this wonderful man and on the 2nd week there, my ex called me and told me that he had our son and he had a ring and he wanted me to come home and be a family with him. Well, I left the wonderful man to come home. Needless to say, it didn't last. We were married for only 10 months and 5 of those 10 months he was in Basic Training for the Army.
I know how hard it is to not be with the guy, especially since you have a baby together. You have to be strong for you and your son. Start thinking about what is best for you and him and where you want your life to go. You can make it on your own! You don't need him or anyone like him. Find positive people to be around and let them help you through this. He won't ever change, but you can and by doing so, you will make your life and the life of your son so much better. Just take it one step and day at a time. You can do this! You are so much stronger than you think you are and your son is depending on you! Good luck and feel free to talk any time you need to!

MariaGrazia - posted on 07/16/2010

I feel sorry for u darling. Move on with your life for you and your son. Put boundaries at him and his visit and decide the terms of that.
Be carefull also to give to many information of your life in internet,.......

Amber - posted on 07/15/2010

Dont worry about the other girl either, feel sorry for her cos he won't treat her any differently and it won't last.

Charlena - posted on 07/15/2010

You also need to figure out how to love yourself . You put up with it because you dont respect or care for yourself , if you did you wouldnt even be posting this . self love is the best love try it . good luck hun !

Amber - posted on 07/15/2010

Everyone is right, I find it really sad that this kind of thing is becoming more and more common almost to the point where it is considered normal. I know your pain and its not easy, but stay strong and don't let him walk over you again even if you have to get angry. Good family support and strong friendship will help. Hope you have all the support you deserve.

Sybil - posted on 07/14/2010

Justine

Loving someone is not a bad thing, and your love for your father's child is mixed up with your love for your little one and wanting the best for him. Look at the facts of your relationship and the one that should be clear for you is that HE DID NOT LOVE OR CARE ENOUGH FOR YOUR CHILD TO HAVE HIM SLEEP ON A BED WHEN THERE WAS NO OTHER. This man is selfish and he has not only shown you he does not care for you, he also does not care for your son, which to me is even worse. Think of whether you want your son being brought up by a father who does not care for him enough to give him the least of what he has. Be thankful for the lessons his has given you, be thankful he contributed to you birthing a wonderful child and take back your power. Be the strong woman and loving mother you are by caring for your self and child.

Allow him to be a father to you child, meet in public spaces if it makes you more comfortable and know that even as he builds another life for himself that does not change he being a father.

Alisha - posted on 07/14/2010

I will be praying for you girl! He will probably NEVER change, and I can't imagine being treated like that you must be deeply hurting. He obviously doesn't love you because in the Bible it says that Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. It is really very sad how some people do not know how to treat another human being. I know it's incredibly difficult to 'get over' your child's father (because I have done it myself so I know it can be done). You have a hope that he will change because, as women, we have a desire for our families, and when people let us down time and time again we still have a flicker of hope for our family that we still don't want to let go of. You CAN get through this dear and you need to, for your son. It will be so much less stressful when your heart has truly healed from this and you can just concentrate on raising your son. There will be a day when your pain is gone, but the first step is recognizing that he is not good for you to be with if he has disregarded you as a person and tramples on you like a door mat. I hope you have a few supportive friends to confide in and to keep yourself busy with so the healing can begin. Perhaps you could find a local church to start networking with other people. I will be praying for you dear! No one can tell you what to do, it is purely your decision so I hope I didn't come across as that.

Kat - posted on 07/13/2010

Justine, I don't think there's a mommy on here that doesn't wish there was some easy way to make your pain go away. Nothing is as heartbreaking as realizing that your family isn't going to be the storybook romance/happy ending we all dreampt of when we were growing up. I've been there too. You're doing the right think by not leaving your son alone with his father. He doesn't know how to take care of a child, and until/if he demonstrates that he is a knowledgeable parent, I believe you're doing the right thing.

My son's father and I were only together for 2 years when we broke up, but were separated by distance for the majority of that. When my son was 2 months old, his father left (after visiting for his birth). I cried and cried holding my baby wondering how I could be a mother all by myself. Well, nighttime feedings came and went, nap times and new foods and hugs and laughter all developed and suddenly being a single mom was second nature to me. One day I realized that my relationship with my son's father wasn't making me happy. It was what I wanted because I thought that it would make my son happy. But as soon as I realized that I wasn't happy, I realized that my son would never be happy if I wasn't too. There is still part of me that wants us to be a family...after all, isn't a family supposed to be a mother, father and child? Since our breakup, his father has had less and less interest in him, making believe more and more that I made the right decision in ending our relationship. Clearly, this man is good for neither yourself, nor your son, and it is imperative in the "moving-on" process that you recognize that. He has demonstrated that he really doesn't care about the two of you...that's the kind of person that he is and it is okay for him to be that way. Frankly Justine, get angry at this man. Remind yourself that he has done nothing to deserve your love or respect, nothing to deserve you or your son, and that he has done nothing to make either of you happy or better off. I know it's painful to tear yourself away from the desire that you all be a happy family, but if he doesn't want to be a family, then no matter where your relationship goes you and your child will always be miserable. Realize that if you two were to get married tomorrow, he would spend his free time out with other girls, caring only to his needs and desires, and leaving you jealous, scared, miserable and resentful on the couch at home while your son plays around you. That's not a life you want for yourself, that's not a life you want for your son. It's not an easy road, but stay strong. You have all the love in the world wrapped up in that little bundle of joy. Focus all your love on him, and when the right man comes around, he will in turn focus all of his love on you and your son. Hang in there. Be strong. Don't be afraid to cry or get angry or yell. Express your feelings. It's okay. Everything will work out for the best.

Becky - posted on 07/13/2010

I also was in the same type of relationship as you. We were together for almost 5 years and broke up when my son was 8 months old. The day I moved out was the day he wouldn't watch our son so I could go to work because he wanted to get drunk with his friends. It's been almost 3 years and he has not changed. Emily is right- these men don't change. I swallowed my pride and moved back in with my parents. Do what you feel is right for your little boy. It is all about him now. Be strong, you will find someone that will treat you and your son how you deserve to be treated!

Jackie - posted on 07/13/2010

YOU poor thing - go and take a long look at your son, your son is the only thing that matters, you will never stop loving his father but, you will get to learn to live without him. maybe his mother or your mother could be a safe house for him to go and see his son. as for the girl i thnk that untill she is in his life all the time it is not fair on the baby to bond with her to have her walk out later. go and see a breif and put some much needed space between you both.

Brenda - posted on 07/13/2010

No one else can answer this because you already know the answer, you're just not ready to accept it and that's normal and OK. Removing yourself emotionally from him being your partner and making him only the father of your child takes time as I know and letting go is never easy even when you know it's best for you. Reduce communication to child only topics and start letting him have short interactions alone with his child and keep lengthening them as you feel (fairly not emotionally) that he's taking reasonable care (fathers are not mothers so don't expect your own level of parenting perfection, just safety for your child). He has the right to have his girlfriend be with him when he has custody which you need to formalize, this is so hard and makes us so jealous but that's life and we can't waste our energy fighting the envitable. She may end up being a great stepmom figure so she may quell your fears that he doesn't know how to take care of your son when you get over another woman taking care of your child which will also be an emotional battle you need to let go of. It's all about letting go and it's only easy when you allow yourself to do so.

Raymond - posted on 07/12/2010

Hey Justina...I am very Glad to hear what you are facing right now well to me i am a man and i know how hurt you feel about all this mess you are going through My advice to you now is that you are a man woman now and its would be Good you forget about him and look up to God for God help and support which He will sent helper from no where to your and your child i will be there for you if you can come alone with me i notice that some men are not made for some Good woman while some woman are not made for some right man its all goes either ways But at your matter i will be there for you.......you can write me...Shoprite@gmx.com...i will be expecting your respond...........Raymond...

Kawaiiana - posted on 07/11/2010

print out this message and read it before you let him come spend time with your son so all the things he did are fresh in your mind. think of him leaving you unemployed and sleeping on the floor with your baby. think og him cheating on you with the other girl.

it will be hard sweets this i know and until you take back some of your control he will never change. and as long as you allow him to come over and have "relations" with you he is always going to come over. i know with my daughters father i had to start meeting him in public places so i would not be weak and let him talk me out my panties while the baby was taking her nap. and then when he started to realize what i was doing then he started insisting on coming to my house so i just cut off talking with him all together cause it was not about me sleeping with him but him spending time with his baby. so be strong and over time it will get better.

Vanessa - posted on 07/10/2010

Emily is right.
In order to stop loving him, you need to concentrate on loving yourself and doing things to make YOU happy and find fulfillment in other ways - not just in a mans arms. Understand darl that the door on your relationship closed for a very good reason!
Set your boundaries down with him and keep things civil yet distant. He wont change. We all hope that they'll see the light and they never do. But I promise you one thing - in time, you will meet someone who makes your heart soar like you never imagined possible and only then will you realize what a spineless man you were pining for for so long! Your soulmate will look at you and you instantly just "know" that they'd rather cut out their own heart rather than reach for another woman. THAT is what you need to hold out for and accept nothing less. The right person for you will never make you cry.

Emily - posted on 07/10/2010

Oh hon... I know your pain. We women get hooked on these abusive guys and we can't seem to get them out of our heads. What it took for me was realizing that my responsibility is to my son now. I stayed with his dad until he was a week old - and when his dad mistreated me around him, a lightbulb turned on in my head.
Think about everything you just wrote. Do you want your baby to learn those habits? Do you want him to learn that this is how men treat women? Of course not.
And please know - men like this do not change. They don't. They get better at their deception, but they don't get better as people. That's not just my opinion .... therapists agree that narcissism (self-absorption) is almost impossible to "treat."
Do some research online about abusive relationships. That was a huge thing for me. I could see the cycle that I had been through, over and over. Remember that abuse is not just physical. Often, the emotional scars left by emotional abuse are deeper than those left by physical abuse. (I'm not saying that to discount physical abuse... it always has emotional abuse along with it.)
Hugs.