HELP! Am I doing the right thing

Melissa - posted on 01/14/2009

Sherri..... you really have a sad story with a wonderful ending. Thanks everyone agaon for all of your kind words and advice. I have not made my mind upi how I will handle his family and him but I do know that I love my son and he will aways be first in every way, and I will do everything and anything I can to protect him.

Thanks

XOXOXO

Melissa

Sherri - posted on 01/14/2009

Hey there, i was in a abusive relationship (although it wasnt till i was pregnant with his child)he hit me once and i stupidly let it go because i was carrying his child, but one night he lost his temper over me going out with my sister and gave me a broken nose and a rib. i was ok and so was my daughter but i swore the day he did that was the last day i would ever see him again..that was over 4 yrs ago and i havnt seen him since,he told me i couldnt cope with a child on my own and if he left he wouldnt want anything to do with me or that (as he pointed to our unborn child) i just waved him goodbye...i wont be any ones punchbag!!!.. my daughter is 4yrs and 2mths old now and has hes aggressive temper which is bad at times..he has never tried to contact us since the day i kicked him out.. my daughter see a pic of him in her baby book (as im not gona hide him from her) she asked who he was so i told her,she just said oh and turned the page with no other questions asked. hes parents have never tried to see her either so as far as im concerned thats the way i like it. when she is older and wants to know about im ect i wont bad mouth him to her (as thats between me and him) i wil let her make her own mind up to if she wants to make contact with him and wil support whatever desission she makes. but untill then she is my life and i wll do all to protect her and keep her safe even if it is from her violent father!! so you do what you feel in your heart is right, in mine its they have never bothered to try and see her in her life so why should i make the effort to contact them,she gets all the love and things she needs from me,my parents and sister and friends,thats all that is important.

sherri

Joanna - posted on 01/14/2009

heres 2 all us single mums out there. for every 10 woman out there, there is 1 descent man but we cannot share its all about fate, faith whatever u want 2 call it. so take care of urselves and ya children cos at the end of the day all u have is eachother. NO1 ELSE. ppl come and go maybe for the better or the worst but we do what we do best TIDY THE MESS UP WHATEVR THE STATE AS U CANT LIVE IN IT FOREVER.

blood is thicker than water ur babys are UR blood first and formost every1 else is second fiddle. grandparents can help (ya sometimes hehe)sometimes they make u feel worst advice, tales and support are gr8 but at the end of the day if u dont feel comfortable are 100% happy put ur hands up and simply walk away

REMEMBER UR HIS/HERS MOTHER AND MOTHERS NO BEST (not grandmothers)

best wishes 2 all

Miriam - posted on 01/14/2009

Hey Melissa! i want u to know that ur son needs as much love as possible now im seperated from my husband in middle of a divorce and both sides shower him with so much love and attention u cant imagine my husband isnt a great father never gave him much when we were together and doesnt even give me child support, u can set the limit on how much the other side sees him... u dont have to do anything u dont want to but it is healthy for him to know his family u know? its healthy ull see how it goes i dont think it hurts to try u never know they might be there for u as well i think u should give it a try again u have nothing to lose he still needs some connection with his father and his fam.... hes still young he wont get any impression from them bec he so young good luck sweetie and please update me i want to know how it goes

Stephanie - posted on 01/14/2009

Hi Melissa, I've got nearly the same problem except when I was 3 months pregnant I walked out on (the sperm donor) who wasn't a nice drunk. I didn't hear a word until I had my son then he wanted me to take him 3000kms to see him. I didn't because of my fear that he would keep my baby and I wouldn't get him back. I haven't heard from any of them since. However despite what I feel about his father he is still half of my boy's heritage one day he'll want to meet him of that I have know doubt. We just have to believe that we raise our children so that they can see the truth for themselves.

Stephanie - posted on 01/13/2009

It sounds like you should consult with a lawyer first. Each state has different laws about these kinds of issues. Your state might allow a father rights after not seeing his child for years or paying support, others might not. It might be as easy as filing for full custody. You may need to simply have on the books that you have sole custody. It could mean that the "sperm donor" might be able to get some visitation at some point, should he want it, but he would have a heck of a time getting custody. This would hold true for his family as well. Check with your family courts and find out, what kind of rights would they have if you start a relationship, and can you do anything to protect yourself. If the goal is to let your child know his family, that's great, but make sure you're protected.

Good luck- Stephanie

Ms - posted on 01/12/2009

Actually, I don't think you should contact anyone from his side. It could end up in some crazy custody thing! And since you're doing it on your own why do you need anyone disrupting that. I have seen both sides of it and it never ends up good! If you don't believe the mom is good then why stay in contact with them? It's not like you will ever trust her to babysit your child much less weekend visits! FYI ~ Grandparents go for custody too!  Not saying it will happen but I am giving you worse case!   Good luck sweetie!

Melissa - posted on 01/12/2009

I HATE this court system... it is horrible! I do not belive that a father that has not wanted anything to do with their child for wahtever amount of time, should just be forgiven and said okay now your ready so here is your child.....HELL NO!!! It should not be like that. I think they should have a certain period of time to be a part of the child life and if they decide that they do want to..then too bad you loose that right. Mothers sacrfice so much and we should not get the same rights as a dad that chooses to be a dad whenever it is good for them at the time!! Sorry Tran Piercey for what you are going thriugh and my fear is that I will be in your same shoes. Where are you from? 

Tran - posted on 01/12/2009

And the post right before mine was incorrect. YOU will NOT get to determine when your son is or is not with his father. Mine did not see his dad for 2 years and the court said, sorry, he wants him now and he gets him every other weekend (AND HE STILL HAS not paid his child support! My lawyer that I paid a lot of money for printed out the guidelines and the court is all about family reunification. My sons father was suppose to take a hair folicle tests as well, and the court just keeps giving him a second chance.

Tran - posted on 01/12/2009

BE CAREFUL! If you do not want your son to be around his father, then DO NOT have contact with his Family! Especially if you do not have any respect for his mother. You know what is best for your child, only you! You might open up a flood gate!

Melissa - posted on 01/10/2009

Thank you everyone for all of your GREAT advice and kind words. I will plan to meet them in a public place and it will always be on my terms. I think I have to learn to be a stonger person and say no. About his father I doubt he will ever take me to court and if he threatens me I will just tell him about all of the back child support and all the recipts of everything that I have spent...amd that is sure to shut him up. thanks again =)

I really needed all of your support!

Lianne - posted on 01/10/2009

Years down the road you will still have the right as you do now to say "No I will not allow you to care for my son overnight until he and I both trust you and he knows you well enough" You have sole custody of your child which means that you decide who comes in and out of his life and whether they get to influence decisions about him or not.



If you are uncomfortable with allowing your son to be alone with them, then don't. Meet them in public places with your son like the zoo, the park, baby gym, etc so they can develop mutual familiarity. If they do anything or act in ways that offend you and you disapprove of your son being subjected to then speak up. Don't be afraid to be a good parent to your child. He is as was already stated of paramount importance.



Make sure everything is done on your terms especially at first it has to be convenient to you. You have your son to think of and he needs his mommy to be her happiest and in control at all times, regardless of other people's situations. Like when you are poorly he doesn't care he still needs to be fed and cared for regardless. Try to apply that to these situations.



Should you decide against sharing him with your ex's family that is your choice and your son won't hold it against you for ensuring his mental and moral safety as well as protecting his physical well being. You are his guardian after all.

Jessica - posted on 01/10/2009

In my personal experience it was not a good idea to let my son see his father's side of the family! I did not want my son to form bonds or ties w/people who are not worthy of him. After doing so, my son's paternal grandmother started making threats that she had grandparent's rights and would take me to court to see her grandson. She lives in a different state and truly believed the courts would MAKE me drive my son 5 hours just to see her! She never did pursue this, but the threats were enough to make me doubt her sincerity. The way I look at it is that these men are not responsible enough to have relationships with and or pay for thier children and their families are most likely just as bad. I really think it's a bad idea to complicate yours and your son's life w/the presence of such family members. It is a mistake I made and one I have lived to regret.

Andrea - posted on 01/10/2009

My son's father is not around much but I was on good terms with the family and I make the effort to have them be in my son's life... While i dont always see eye to eye with his grandmother I believe when he is older he'll figure out who's who and what's what

as far as him wanting to see your son later or wanting him on a weekend or somthing I'd take it to court and have him prove to a court he could handle that .. they'll see if he's responsible enough for that or not ... [obviously not ] and that would probably help ...

You did the right thing to contact the family and I'm sure your son will make the right evaluation of his family when he is able to .

Tamara - posted on 01/10/2009

you are doing what you think is best for your child!
if you dont want him to have the baby over night, then you dont have to let him.. if you are gonna let this side of the family have contact, then do it on your terms! no one elses..

look at it this way... you have been there every day, every night, every second! where have they been? they have no rights! especially the dad. he has to earn your trust! and if he does decide he wants to be a father... well he will just have to wait until you are ready. please dont let yourself get pushed into anything you are thinking of the baby, and the baby is paramount, not the grandparents :)

good luck

Rachael - posted on 01/10/2009

What do you think is really driving your need to have your son spend time with that side of the family? If you are that concerened I wonder if its a sense that you "should" do it vs. you feel like its the right thing to do. If you actually feel like its right then you also just have to remember letting them meet him, have a day or dinner or what does not give them the right to have him overnights or anything. You are doing this, and it should be on your terms, never let them talk you into doing something that you are not comfortable with. It's your job to protect him, not cater to them. And if you still choose to do this, maybe later down the road he will want to and you will be ok with that and then you can deal with it. I refuse to let my ex's family see my daughter unless he takes them there on rare occasions that he sees her. I dont think they are good influences on my her and the type of morals I believe in. I have other friends who are opposite, the father might be worthless but the family is great and they are good with that choice. Your situation has to be gauged by you, but dont feel forced or pushed to do one thing.