help, should i move away??

[deleted account] ( 11 moms have responded )

Since my ex left us in Feb, he has remained our financial go to person as he promised to continue paying our rent and utilites until our lease was up, thats this month. This is the second time he left me andmy daughter who is two and its for good now since he moved his first ex wife out here to where we live with their three kids from another state. they all live together and he hasnt seen ourlittle one in a month. this is no surprise as i have had to push her on him since the day i was pregnant. we divorced then reconcilled last year for it to last for only ten months and me to leave everything to move with him out of state for a better job. now that his past due child support of12k is written off and no longer a debt because we reconcilled and i signed with the courts to wash it away, he is on his feet witha good job and the family he has missed for six yrs. in the meantime i had started back to school to finish my BA and stay at home with my toddler at the age of 33. He decided to walk out for work one day to tell me by phone he wasn't coming home. i stuck it out here without family and friends because its beautiful place to live in the Ozark mtns and so much to do. i attend church and my little one goes to mothers day out programs and we have our own life without him. since he moved his ex out here im afraid he is going to fight for shared custody, idk, he never did it for his other kids when we were married it was me making him do it to see them more. i have sole legal custody and want to move away from them as the ex wife is psycho and spiteful. shed fight for my little one jus to make me mad since we hate eachother. he has a felony conviction from last year after his dad died he beat his mother with a bat and he went to jail. i dont want our baby to grow up knowing him. he has denied her all this time and when we were together i was always upset as he never played with her or hugged her or loved on her as his own child. our town is 77k ppl and if i move to a different apartment or town we can still enjoy this place we have been for a year. on the contrary, my mom wants us to move back to the state, five hrs away, we are from. im not close to my family as after my divorce and i was pregnant they kinda left me out on my own to figure things out though at one time i was withouta car since mine was repoed and i lost my home during the divorce. no one was to even offer a couch for me to stay. so i have been on my own the past two and half yrs. now that my little one is getting older and she misses her and doesnt know her she has found a duplex down the street from her. she lives with my brother and sister an dmy dad lives about 10min away. i went to visit last week to see my choices and i was so uncomfortable. my dad didnt come see us the whole week until we were about to leave, my brother and sister were so rude to my littleo ne an dme and my mom blames me for so much that happened ten yrs ago when my parents divorced. it was hard for me to not choose sides but she sees it that i did. i dont want to livea nervous wreck and getting my feelings hurt around them. i cant forget how they treated me when i was down at my worst and needed them. i told her this last week, i cried and had so much pain at how she always treated me different and would hit me all the time when i was little and never my brother and sister. theres an age gap of ten yrs from me to them. i always felt she didnt like me. now that i have this adorable little one she barely knows because she never comes to see us even after six months of my ex being gone who she didnt like, she wants us to be near. or me to be near so she can see my daughter. its tough. im a full time student and can live off of my loans and grants in the state i love, just the two of us. but i have to feat my ex and his revengeful woman will find out where we live or serve me papers for joint custody. if i move out of state, the only place i can get approved for and affordableis this one close to her and it is very nice as well. i dont know what to do, i dont know how to weigh out whats important. yould think i killed someone the way that my family ttreats me, but they dont want someone needy or someone in distress as it may mean they have to put out some money or a place to stay or loan out a car to me. I have everything I need now i dont need their help just their love and approval. i said that to my mom and she laughs and rolls her eyes at me when i cry and am upset at the pain i ahve carried from her and my family. she didnt even stay the night with me in the hospital when my baby was born. i was numb from the waste down and was there alone witha new baby. she went home because my brother wanted her to not get too attached to the baby. its messed up and it hurts. i dont know what to do. iforgave them all for shunning me and my sweet little one so that i could have some sort of relationship with my mom and dad and siblings. but i can't help but remember it. what do i do that is best for me and my little one?

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Jeorge - posted on 06/19/2012

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This just sounds so sad. I wouldn't move back for them. If you want to move back to be away from your ex and you want to have a relationship with your family than do it but don't expect much from them.
It sounds like you are happy were you are, I just worry being in the same town with the ex and his wife will lead to him trying for custody. if you are in another state he's unlikely to get visitation.
I will pray that God gives you wisdom and guidance

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11 Comments

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Ivy - posted on 10/29/2012

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It sounds like (read your own post after about the first line) that you don't have a good relationship with your family, and you would very much like to, at least for your daughter. I know how you feel, but I have realized that my family will NEVER change. It hurts to see other families get along, and it hurts to know that my daughter doesn't really have a grandmother she can rely on or see on a regular basis, but I can't change that. You need to realize that you can't either (if you think that is true). It doesn't sound like anyone in your family went out of their way for your daughter. Your picture of what they should be like for your daughter is just your dream, not theirs. So, just be a good mom; don't feel sorry for yourself or your daughter. Some children don't even have parents (foster kids). Your daughter is very fortunate to have a caring mother. You can't make the world ideal; you can only control yourself.

Keep your chin up, and praise your daughter. You two can be happy as a little family :)



P.S. I can't help you on the legal stuff. Sorry.

[deleted account]

IVY-thats true. I just feel i am depriving her from family but no one comes to see us or remembers her on her bday or holidays. So, if im closer is that suppose to mean they will see her and be in her life? I have to move back to the twon i grew up in and a half a mile from them to acknowledge here? I mean my mom is so mean to me and has threaten me to tell my ex husband where we live and i was considering changing my name to hide from him. This was during an arguement a few weeks ago when i told her she never helped me with my daughter at all and she has to be nice to me in order to be around my little girl, i dont want fighting and disrespect towards me. my dad back in june, wouldn't come see us when we were at my moms house for a week. he gets along with her and thats no reason why not to come see his only grand daughter. if i say to him theres papa he says no im uncle not a papa. it hurts to see otehr families, fathers and grandparents dotting over their little ones and my family and ex husband dont seem to care one way or the other. my mom says she does, but lives four hours or so away. hasn't been here but one over night stay in two years i think. im starting to think, in a fairytale world we would all be happy around each other, but im the one having to scrape for money as it is and have to pay a uhual and car dolly to move. no one offered to help. before my mom did in june and never came through then tellsm my grandmother idk why she didnt move here, she just changed her mind. of course its not her fault. i get upset for what she is not and how she is very selfish and only ejoys my daughter at her convience. we spent two and half weeks in another state all together to visit family we hadnt seen. she came by here on our way south to pick us up and it was a horrible time with her. i voiced how i wanted us to go to a pumplkin patch with my daughter and then the zoo there since shed never gone, it was beautiful weather and i wanted to share those times with my mom and aunt and grandma. she didnt do one thing with my daughter the whole time, know that she hadn't seen her since june. The very last day we went with my grandma to eat lunch and to a park. the other days, she and my sister or my aunt were out shopping and eating out, going to starbucks and sight seeing and me and my daughter sat at home with my grandma. i enjoyed the tiem with her that she never met my little girl, but hurt me deeply that my mom didnt do anything with us or my baby. we didnt have a car as we all rode together. now all the sudden this house comes available close to family where i use to live near my parents and i just dont know the more i think about what she has done to go out of her way for my daughter. she tells me all i measure things is by what people buy my daughter. thats not the case, we have lived off donations and second hand stuff i even wrapped up used toys for christmas the past two years. regardless if she doesnt like me, she should be nice to me and know that i go where my daughter goes and we could of gone to the everyday and the places i kept asking her. so since we been back home the first pretty day after we got back i took my daughter to the zoo here alone. we had a good day!! we are going to the pumpkin patch to ride ponies and the hayrack ride together on Halloween and doing our own special things together. in the meantime there is the adorabel litltle house with a yard and across the school that i grew up in. Ijust dont know!! HELP.

[deleted account]

Since my ex is living in this state with me, is self emplyed and hasnt filed taxes in four yrs, but i have proof he paid our rent and utilities for six months and the year we lived together, i hope the state will be able to go after him for child support. If i file for support and cash assistance and food assistance they have to know his information. I have all of that but don't want him to know I live in the same state, he thinks i live in a state far away. Does anyone know if i file for help will he ever have access to getting my address through a detective, attorney or file visitations?

Ivy - posted on 10/28/2012

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Do you really think your family will accept you after all these years if they never have? I gave up on mine accepting me. I live close (in distance) to them, but we're very far away. It is not better for my daughter, in my opinion, as now my mom hurts her like she used to hurt me (promising things and never delivering). Your life with your daughter alone is depriving your daughter of being hurt by a family that has clearly hurt you deeply. I think you should stay away from them and stop feeling guilty of depriving your daughter of something good.

I could be wrong, but that's my advice....

[deleted account]

thank you to all of you who have given me advice and been my circle of friends (moms) that i needed while going through this situation alone. Ive been in my new apartment about 30 from the town my ex works and lives in that we once lived together. he thinks im in Florida. He hasn't really made a fuss about seeing our little one, he pays weekly payments in a bank account i have and i email him pictures about once a month. Its been five months now that we have been in this little town, have been going to church regularly but there isn't any dance classes or mothers day out programs here for my little one to be involved in. we are bored OUT of our MINDS. We have to get in the car to drive a mile or two to the park where before we had bike paths and playgrounds around the corner. we live off of a highway so there arent any sidewalks to take walks down. Our apartment is nice and clean for that matter in a safe area, but we haven't had but one visitor, the preacher, since we have been here. my church knows we have no family and friends but we are still not invited to do things or meet with other moms and families. I feel so lonely and my little one is behaving badly as she is bored. My family lives five hours away and don't come to visit...i live in a beautiful state with so much to do, but its in the bigger town in which i use to live, they have a huge library and tons of parks and blowup jump houses, botanical gardens and so much more. im always tempted to move back to where my family live. but after the way they have all treated me i should cut my ties. I just worry about my little girl. She is just with me all the time except when going to church. We don't do anything fun for her. She is bored with everything we do at home and books and movies and sitting around the apartment. I get upset that my family hasn't tried to help us move with getting us a uhual. I was close to moving this summer even lost a deposit on a place when my mom was to help us move and never said anything else about it. Now i have found another place and keep wanting to be loved and excepted and my baby loved by them to live close. But, Im not getting anything yes or no from anyone. Any advice?

[deleted account]

Now that my toddler and I are settled in, I have worked hard to become anonymous. Ive put freezes on my credit history my ss number all my utilities and had my phone turned off. I have had my mail forwarded to an online post office box company and had my phone turned off. two days before we moved away i asked my ex over the phone if he would cause alot of trouble if we moved out of state because i missed my family? he said no, sometimes ppl have to do that, for jobs or be close to family. its like he wanted us to leave. we have been moved out of our apartment a week, he lives there i assume and he has asked to see our little one on monday. and again emailed me tonight for our updated phone number. if i have sole custody do i have to answer his emails? do I have to communicate with him? i mean i wrote up the parentling plan but that was when we both lived in another state. all that it states is that we must have an accurate phone number or email address for communication. i sont want to give him my number, our daughter cant talk very well anyways. it all just upsets me that he is trying to be a dad to her while rubbing it in our faces he left us to be with his other kids and first wife. how do i explain that to her if he was in her life. thats why i told him i was moving to florida to be away from all the drama and even found out his exwife who he is with had my toddlers name tattooed on her back with her kids' name before she even met her. i know he is only wanting contact with our daughter because of his kids wanting to. for the image of it. any advice?

User - posted on 06/22/2012

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kristin, hes told me before that if he helps with the bills or child support then he deserves to see her. i told him that so he wouldnt give me any problems moving away. i think once i get settled in i will file for child support. idk if ill get it, he doesnt andhasnt filed taxes and works as a barber. he doesnt get paychecks, ppl pay him cash for haircuts ands haves so im not sure i will be able to prove he makes anything. but he has paid all expenses here in our apartment for a year and continued since he left in feb. thats about 800 a month plus other stuff we need.

Kristin - posted on 06/19/2012

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Honestly, I dont think he would push the custody issue and the chance of him getting custody is slim to none as he would have to prove you an unfit mother which i dont think you are. AS for what your mother wants who cares? She wasnt there for you and it would not be fair to put your child around your mothers negativity as well. I personally think your mother is playing mind games with you and you need to block that out and do what will make YOU and your child happy. I would also see about getting some good friends around you, go out and meet other single moms who can relate to you. Trust me there are lots out there and they make the best of friends as they understand and have their own stories. Also, do not tell your ex you dont want child support; make him pay it is for the well being of your daughter. If you dont need it to pay the bills than put it away for her college fund or a down payment on a house. You should not have to bear all the financial cost alone and I know it is hard to make them pay support but it is for your daughter. Good luck and feel free to message me anytime if you need to talk

User - posted on 06/19/2012

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thank you i try to be everything she needs. i have her in dance class with other kids once a week, sunday school and church plus mothers day out during the school year for two half days a week> we dont have friends we go out to eat with or anything or have play dates, we ride our bike and go on walks or to the bouncey house or butterfly garden feed the ducks, things like that. my family are negative unhappy ppl but my mom has put it in my head my little one needs to know her and grow up around my mom.and to be safe out of state away from her dad. if i got a restraining order on him and moved to a different part of town, we live in a town of 77k ppl, we wouldnt be going to the same stores or parks or seeing eachother as his kids that live here now are over the age of 8 so they dont do the toddler things we do. idk. im scared to stay and he push the shared custody. i told him i was moving and he asked where and i said we were still staying close by but didnt want him to know where we lived. he said okay and i said i didnt want child support, just wanted him out of our lives. he said he wanted to see her still and i said at holidays and summertime. but on fathers day he didnt even ask to see her. i dont really think he would push custody unless his kids want to see her and his mom.

Kristin - posted on 06/19/2012

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That is such a sad story. Hugs to you. If I were you I would stay where you are, you dont owe your family anything or an explanation. You have built a home for your child where you are at and do you really want to uproot your child from all they have known and their friends? Also, you have to keep in consideration that regardfless of where you move to your ex can still fight you for access and joint custody and you will have to meet halfway. If him, and his ex wife/ wife? bother you than document everything and take it to court with you or call the police. They are meant to serrve and protect, but I wouldnt run away from them and give up your life. Now would I move to be closer to your unsupportive family. It sounds like your family are not very happy people and you dont need them to bring you down. You are strong and you are building a good life for you and your child and it sounds like your a pretty good mom. Just keep strong anf positive. God bless you

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