HELP with baby daddy issues and his "new" daughter (LONG STORY)

AG - posted on 06/13/2017 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Please don't judge me.. I just need somewhere to turn and looking for advice..

Backstory: My baby's father and I have been "together" on/off for 5 years before I got pregnant in 2015. When I first told him, he said "whatever you want to do.. it's your choice" but quickly backtracked to "I'm not ready to be a father". This didn't upset me because I wasn't ready to be a mother myself and we were both working full time and trying to finish our degrees (both in our late 20's). After my 12-week ultrasound, he quickly told me he didn't want me to keep the baby because he was actually ENGAGED. I was heartbroken and didn't know what I was going to do because I never wanted to be a single mom but didn't believe in abortion either. For weeks after I was weighing my options, he said some of the worst things ever to me about how he hates me, wish we never met, etc. I decided after my 20week appt that I was going to keep her and let him deal with how to process that information on his own. We didn't talk for months and I cried almost my entire pregnancy and never told anyone he was engaged (out of embarrassment). When I was 34weeks (and considered high-risk now), I told him about my status and gave him my appt dates if he wanted to come (as a last attempt for the sake of my child). He responded that he wasn't going to make that appt but was going to "come around". I didn't know what he meant by that but I left it alone and only gave him the information for future dates and my induction date, if he chose to be there. He didn't come to any one of them and missed my whole delivery. Only showed up for 1hr out of my entire hospital stay (stayed extra 1.5 day than normal). He didn't come see her for almost a full month but made attempts afterwards and saw her 2-3x a week.

16months later, we have been communicating better, co-parenting, rekindling our relationship, talked about moving out of state together, he calls us his family and tells me how happy he is.. It's not perfect and I don't completely trust him or have my walls down but he definitely made me believe we were his top priority. Last week he told me our daughter has a 6-month old sister and that when I was pregnant/delivering our baby, he was stressing out about life, the baby and his engagement, and ended up confiding in someone else and she got pregnant around the time my daughter was born. So, both girls are born the same year.....

I'm definitely hurt by his actions because I never got to enjoy my pregnancy, my labor, or even the first few months of motherhood (as I was doing it all alone..) and now to know that he lied the entire time we were a "family" is devastating to me. More than that, I feel like he's cheated my daughter out of having her dad to herself in even her first year of life because he's been living this double life. He has also kept my daughter a secret from his family until she was 6 months but told them he was expecting another daughter before she was even born so I also feel like he robbed my daughter & his family of the chance to know our daughter in her first 1/2 year.

So I am taking my space from him and processing everything... I thought I would be able to work this out with him but I keep feeling like it's my daughter that gets the shorter end of the stick here.. I want him to be a good dad to both daughters but his other daughter, since she's younger, obviously needs more attention. I know he loves his kids but he is rather immature and I'm not sure how he can handle 2-under-2. The more I think about it, the more I think he does have a problem and should seek therapy for the lying, manipulating, and not feeling remorse. I'm concerned about how I can split time with someone who I believe can have issues like that. I'm also now having to think about how do I tell my daughter she has a half-sister when she doesn't understand it right now. Do I wait til she's older? How do I handle the possible stigma behind my daughter and her sister being so close in age by 2 different mothers? When do I tell my family? I'm so confused...

2 Comments

View replies by

Nancy - posted on 06/15/2017

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Oh, what a difficult situation. It is completely normal to want to build that "ideal family" life for your daughter. I did the same thing with my first many, many, years ago. It stinks when we find out that no matter how hard we try, sometimes things just don't end up how we want them to be. This may not have to much do with us, but a lot to do with the fact that we are not able to change other people. They can only change when they are ready. It is sad that your daughter is in this situation but it will all be okay, and like the PP said, time heals. I can totally understand your confusion and hurt, I think anyone would feel the same way. Taking your space is probably a good idea, take the focus off of him and put it on your daughter, your career, your family.
Life worked out for me, it took some time being a single mom but I finally met a wonderful man who has taken my children in as his own. I know how hard it is being the single mom, just find solace in your good friends and family! Praying for you!

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