Hey

Susan - posted on 01/03/2009

Hard? You bet your boots it's hard!

I found myself saying that recently to a very wise friend. I talked on and on about how hard it is to find babysitters so I can get out once in awhile . . . and how I'm not sure if I can be both mom and dad to my little girl. After he let me vent, he said something really profound.



He suggested thinking about this journey of single motherhood to be alot like being a missionary in a foreign country . . .when you first come, you don't know the language and are overwhelmed, but you learn to adjust . . and over time, you come to realize that your assignment has an ending point (albeit 15, 18 or 20 more years!) so you should enjoy as much as you can and learn as much as you can.



It made sense. I am learning to swallow my pride and ask for help. Gracie has been home from school for the last 2 weeks and it DOES get nerve-racking! So I finally brought her to a friend's house so I could get 4 hours to myself. She loved it and I remembered that even though we are single moms, none of us are in it alone . . . thank God for good friends.

Nancy - posted on 01/03/2009

Depends on the day! Some days it's easier because my daughter can't play me against her dad (like we used to do with our parents!) other days... when i'm not feeling good, and still have to attend to everything.. ya it's hard... but would I go back to the old way?? Heck no!!!

Alyssa - posted on 01/03/2009

I have found it VERY hard! I have pretty much been a single mom since my daughter was 11 months old, when my husband left in an argument and well, never came back. He moved in with his dad and i was with my parents and a few months later when it was definite we weren't going to work out, I got my own place. That's when it really hit b/c I didn't have my parents to rely on just for simple things like running out to the grocery store when she was sleeping..... The thing I find the hardest about being a single mom is that her dad is still very much in the picture. As dumb as that may sound.... I have to deal with him nonstop. I have to see him at least 8 times a week it seems, sometimes more. He has moved on and got his girlfriend (the girl he cheated on me with) pregnant and I am still stuck here "sad" if you can call it that anymore. Its frustrating b/c she is currently going through a "daddy" phase, which I know is completely normal, but when nights like last night when all she says is "I want Daddy!" in tears, makes me want to cry, b/c I so badly wish he was here with us. I can read to her, rock her, sing to her, anything, but that's the ONE thing I can't give to her.... :( I often wish he just left for good because then we both could get over it so much more quickly and move on with our lives....

And, the fact that he lost his job in September and has barely given me child support since then.... just 3 checks which average out to be about 20/week. Yeah, thanks, that's kinda a tease! right?

Melissa - posted on 12/30/2008

Single Mom to SEVEN kids, Traci? OMG, how do you do it?!!!!

I've been considering number 2, ...but holy smokes... 7... that's amazing. :) You rock!

Karina - posted on 12/30/2008

Hey Traci...what you said is so true!! it even brought tears into my eyes (and im at work so cant really cry lol)

it feels so much better to know i'm not alone on this. I find it so hard to be a working mom of a 22 month old amazing little boy, struggle in a country i dont know and cant get out of(i am mexican and moved into Canada because of my husband) and having to raise my kid without my family or any type of help at all from his family.

All i can say is all that struggle, pain, lack of sleep, loneliness, etc mean nothing when i get the "big hugs" and awesome smile from my son..and of course that little "i love u mommy" (or his attempt to say that) when he goes to bed.

Adenike - posted on 12/30/2008

Kristeen - Luv your analogies. You couldn't have said it any better.

Kristeen - posted on 12/29/2008

Like when you live on the third floor of a walk-up and you have two kids and 10 bags of groceries to carry up?
Like when both kids fall asleep on the way home and you have no way of getting them into the house at the same time other than waking them up?
Like when your toilet overflows and you have to clean it up and chase two kids out of the room constantly?
Like when you want to sleep in?
Like when you have the munchies in the middle of the night and have to suck it up because both kids are sleeping?
Like when you don't feel like cooking?

:) Actually, I would have to say that most days there are as many good things as there are bad and when it all boils down to it, when my daughters grow up to be amazing women, everyone will know it was largely in part to how I raised them!

Sara - posted on 12/20/2008

Hi Amanda, NO NO NO not silly and definately yes it is hard! I have a 9 year old and she is a tad neurotic, the latest being around food (tricky one eh?) Hope all good with you and chin up!

Bernie - posted on 12/19/2008

Not silly at all...got 2 adult boys ( 20 and 21) and 3 toddlers ( 4, 3 and 1) and was a single mom in almost every aspect to them even though i was married until 8 months ago. My X provided the finance and i did everything, and i mean everything else myself and it's the same at the moment too. Sure it will get harder when i start work again but i know i'll be able to handle it. Keep the faith mom, we are a lot stronger then we think. Rewards are plenty, you'll see that in time. When you are feeling lousy, take a few minutes for a rumble tumble game with your child, will make you feel better.

Traci - posted on 12/19/2008

I hear way too often from some stay at home moms "my husband didn't do the dishes last night..." Or "my husband didn't give me a high enough credit limit on the card..."

We pay our own bills. We take care of our kids. We work for our kids, live for our kids. We go out with friends, only after finding a suitable source for a caregiver of our kids. We don't sleep at night, either from staying up all night with a sick kid or making bottles, or just plain worrying. We are St. Nick, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the one who makes sure the kids are clean, fed, healthy, happy, LOVED. We make sure the kids have boots on their feet and mittens on their hands. We are the ones that arrange the play dates, the birthday treats, the birthday parties, the buying presents for the friends birthday parties...

With or without support, it doesn't matter if you get nothing from your ex or 5 grand a month. A child's expenses never change. Diaper costs don't get cheaper for moms without support vs a mom with a husband. We just pay for the things that our kids need, before we buy ourselves shoes.

BUT WE GET WHAT THOSE ABSENT FATHERS DONT!!

LOVE. I get my kids' faces when they light up when they get home from school. I get the hugs goodnight, every night. I get the kisses, the stories, the complaints that dinner was chicken and not pizza.

And I wouldn't change it for the world. I"m a single mom of 7. I'm happy for my kids. And granted, I would love to have a husband who lets me eat bon bons all day, but I'm proud to work for my kids. And proud that I can call them mine.

Tina - posted on 12/19/2008

Hey just being a mom period is hard but being a single mom is a lot harder.No support system, no breaks and no one else to deal with crap that kids can dish out...I am a single mom who was at home for 10 years..I got depressed, drank there for a bit and just plain lost touch with everyone including myself for awhile..I stayed home out of guilt and I swore off dating and socializing to be "the best mom" it didnt work..we all need mommy time and kids need a break from us. All I can say is take that mommy time once in awhile and you will always appriecitate coming home to your babies..I wish you the best of luck.

Adenike - posted on 12/18/2008

Kelly M - You are right and what matters most is you and your son's happiness at the end of the day. My daughter's father lives in another state and sees he every 6 months or so. But despite that, she's well rounded and have positive male role models such as my brothers (I have four) and my dad in her life. She loves her grandpa and gives him father day presents since that's the person she sees regularly. I am so thankful that she has other people in her life who show regularly their love for her. Things can only get better from here and he will thank you for the great job you've been doing for him and all teh struggles you made because of your love for him.

Kelly - posted on 12/18/2008

This is not a sill question at all. I love my son with all of my heart. I tried so hard to make things work out with his father and I, but you can only do so much, and you need to have a happy, safe, and dramatic free environment for your little one. There are some times that it does get difficult to manage especially when you have a full-time job so you can support your child, and sometimes I wish I could have a complete family for my son. In the back of my mind I wish that he would have a good male role model to be around, but hey, that is what his grandpa is for :)



All in all though, I know what I did was right, and I feel so much stronger and happier now that we are on our own. I also feel that in the future he will thank me for what I have done. :)

Kimberlee - posted on 12/18/2008

I really done think it is hard being a single mom, right now i am facing eviction on my front door and then my mom is really not wanting to help me out with staying at there place becuase her and my stepdad are having it hard but i would not be costing them much i am on food stamps!!!!!!!

User - posted on 12/18/2008

ya, i agree that it is easier than being with a man (the father) with whom I can not get along with. also, there is no opposition or compromise invovled with what I think the "best" parenting practices are.

however, i totally struggle the most when i REALLY need some time out and the kids follow me because they're upset and need some hugs...but it's their very screaming/whining/crying that i need to escape. times like those i really wish i had a partner.

NATALIE - posted on 12/17/2008

hello, i find it hard, but i didnt at first. i am 23 years old i am a single parent to identical twins that are now 2 years old and a baby girl that is 6 months. i have got one plasid twin and the other can occasionally go over the top and start lashing out at me. my daughter is great you will manage trust me its in our female nature i am coping but it gets better in time keep your head up high and stay strong. :)

Adenike - posted on 12/17/2008

It is hard in the beginning but as time goes on, it gets easier. It is true that being a mom is a thankless job but we all find a way to do it.

Melissa - posted on 12/17/2008

Hard but worth it and in the end its made me a better, more patient, and stronger person.

Stephanie - posted on 12/17/2008

I don't think it is hard. My son is twelve and I would not have it any other way. Yes some days are harder then others but over all I love it. My son knows the rules. There is one set of rules and he does not get to try and play the game of asking another parent if he doesn't like the first answer. I love it.

Amy - posted on 12/17/2008

I started out as a single mom because the father wanted no involvement and one the one hand it is easier as the children get older (mine is 8) and on the other it is harder because men are so involved in school and church activities these days so I think my daughter feels the absence of the father more deeply than I would have as a child. That being said, she often hugs me and comments that it's just me and her and how she wants to spend as much time with me as possible -- now that is a priceless moment. So, it's hard, but I've gotten used to knowing that I'm the one who's going to be doing everything and I've gotten a support network together that includes friends and family for when I need help -- definitely get those folks in place!

Carrie - posted on 12/16/2008

I actually find it ok being a single mom, i like being the only "word", however it does get kind of sad when i think about me being the only one that gets to witness his growing and all the proud moments, and going to places like the zoo or like this time of year going to see Santa.

Melissa - posted on 12/16/2008

I think it can be very hard at times. I also think it is extremely rewarding... I wouldn't recommend it to someone who wasn't financially able to handle it, but I know it happens. Especially with divorce and such. My sister has had to go through that pain. And it sucks. But I do get to make my own decisions, and for better or worse, deal with them, too!! :)

Mandy - posted on 12/15/2008

I chose to be a single mum (and therefore feel guilty about moaning sometimes), and although i love my 6 month old very much - this is sooooooo tough, and being with her has made me feel lonlier (silly though it sounds). I know it will get easier as she gets older, but yes it helps to know that you're not alone out there and there are others who are having a tough time as well.

Karen - posted on 12/15/2008

I definitely agree that its hard. Especially on the third night of no sleep when they just wont stop crying and you're brain is too tired to figure out why. I love my son with all my heart but those are the nights when being alone barely seems worth it.
I have to say, though, that I like being the one who gets to make the decisions. Not having to check in with anyone. Especially when the only thing my ex and I ever agreed on was our breakup. He still tries to be involved in my sons life when the mood strikes him to play daddy and when it happens I hate that he tries to go against everything I say. In that aspect I like being a single mom, but I suppose I'm just used to it, right?

Katie - posted on 12/15/2008

It is SO hard being a single mom but at the same time it can be so much better. There are a lot of things that I feel like my son misses out on by not having a "complete" family but knowing that I am the one who is raising such an intelligent and amazing little boy is so rewarding. I lived with his father for half of my pregnancy and the first 4 months of my sons life and since we have left, it has been soo hard but at the same time it has been so much easier because there is no drama to deal with anymore and we can just live happily! Best of luck to all the single mommies out there!! Your not alone!

Tara - posted on 12/15/2008

Honestly I find it easier then being with the father..That may sound silly. i did it alone with my daughter till she was 11 months old and then we moved in with him and I found it so much easier when it was just us and only I had the say. i found I had more control as well. We recently split again and Im having no troubles..less actually. the only trouble was my daughter missing her daddy and ofcourse me as well. But mentally, physically and emotionally I like it this way. Im 21 and have a 18 month old and another on the way. i dont work but I go to school.

Every situation and person is different. Some can handle theirs with ease and some can't. Hope that helped.

Amy - posted on 12/14/2008

Yeah, it is really hard. And it's nice to hear other single mothers acknowledge it, huh?
Although its great to hear about women being wonderful, committed mothers, who are always patient, who work to support their family, and scrapbook, and volunteer at the soup kitchen, whose 4 year old has just been accepted to mensa and 2 year old can find 50 different countries on a map....... but that's not the reality for us all, eh?
Just try to remember how much your babe(s) are reliant on you, and that to be the best mummy you can be, you need to look after yourself, and give yourself a break sometimes. Love them, feed them... bathe them occasionally... and they'll turn out fine :)

Tabatha - posted on 12/02/2008

Being a mom - period, is hard. Add the fact that your a single parent, work full time and still have a full time job to do when you get home and it's insane. I can say however that as your children get older it does get a little easier. Stay strong.

Laurie - posted on 12/02/2008

Yes...very hard but rewarding also.

Erica - posted on 12/02/2008

Not a silly question!! It is TRUE!!! I thought it was going to be easier and some days it good and some days its not soo good. We are women though and I know we have what it takes to make sure our kids are okay. We are genitically programmed for this. Just keep working hard and know that the pay off in the end is worth it. If I do nothing else in my lifetime I will know I was a success because of my children. Keep Strong!! :)