his family pressuring me to let him see my son

Amy - posted on 09/19/2012 ( 16 moms have responded )

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OK, sooo short version is he insisted my whole pregnancy and the first 5 months of my son's life (until DNA came back) that my son wasn't his. He did come to the hospital when I had him, altho he brought his gf that he had cheated on me with...(This mama was NOT pleased).When DNA came back, he actually made an effort for a month to see him and all, never once buying anything for my son. Anything he gave me for my son, was given to him by a friend. Well then, anytime I showed up to my friends house that he was staying with (she was letting him so he would be able to see the baby) he would get up and leave. My son went through a 7 hour surgery when he was 9 months old, and he didn't even call or text me to see how things had gone. About a month before my son's 1st birthday, I drove upstate to see some family and my son's sperm donor calls me demanding that I let him see my son and that I wasn't going to see any child support until he got to see my son. Well to make a long story short, my son is now almost 15 months old, and I haven't heard one peep from him wanting to see my son or anything, just hearing about him running his mouth about "that dumb b@@@@ not letting him see HIS son." Now his family is pressuring me to let him see my son and that I should drop my son off at their house to let the deadbeat see him for a while. Am I wrong in not wanting to just up and let him have his way? I'm just protecting my son from the drug use and type of environment that he will be in when he would be around the deadbeat. I trust the family member that offered their house, but I just don't like feeling pressured like this....

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Elizabeth - posted on 10/02/2012

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I do not understand why anyone would think your choice is not in your son's best interest. A sperm donor does not a father make. Any "man"can father a child, but it takes a real man to be a Dad. You are totally justified in choosing to think of what is best for your son. I speak from experience. My sons' donor has had no communication with them in four years and I'd be damned if I would force my children to have anything to do with that toxicity. Any person who says differently has no experience dealing with a situation like yours. Stay strong for your son and establish custody asap. Good luck

Abigail - posted on 09/26/2012

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you are very angry thats understandable. and its so unfair that you have had to go through what you have. men think its normal to be irresponsible. it hurts me when they cover up and speak ill of you. l understand your feeling pressured. still the fact remains the son is his. so at least the family member is trustworthy do right by your son. its for him and not for his dad. then we'll wait and hear what else he has to say. who knows babies have a way of tugging at heartstrings. l hope you will find healing over the way he has abused you.

Roxanna - posted on 09/22/2012

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Let me clarify some things. DNA proved he was the Sp&rm Donor, that means he should be paying childsupport. He cannot say he won't pay child support (if it is court ordered) becasue then he will have more money taken out when he works. And he cannot demand to see the child without a court ordered visitation and threaten to not pay child support.

I suggest you go to court and confirm custody AND Child support. Regardless of YOUR feelings towards him, he has a moral obligation to support the child.

the paternal family does NOT have a legal right to see the child, but they do have a MORAL right. You can meet the Uncle and grandmother in a neautral place with you being accompanied by someone. If your child has never met these people, how freaked out is he going to be if you leave them with them?

Erin - posted on 09/21/2012

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DON'T DO IT! PLEASE DO NOT drop your son off at this person's house no matter how much you trust them!! Unless you have primary custody of your son, (meaning that you went to court and a judge awarded you primary or sole physical custody), then the minute you drive away, the sperm donor can pack your baby into a car and leave and there's not a damn thing the cops can do to get him back for you b/c he's got a DNA test proving that's his kid and there's no legal document regarding custody... make sense? It's only kidnapping, i.e. they can only go and take your baby back from him, if you have legal documents saying that YOU have custody. It's the stupidest law in the world, but it's there.



At the same time, I don't think your son should be kept from his extended family just b/c his dad is a moron. If you can stand it, I would offer to let the extended family visit you in your home or the home of one of your relatives so that they can see the baby. If SD wants to see his kid, he needs to be man enough to pick up the phone.

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Karla - posted on 10/29/2012

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My baby daddy was never around when i was pregnant because thought i was lying but yea not so long ago he admitted he planned to have a baby with me ! he has put me through hell ! He doesnt work , all he does is sell drugs anfd fuck younger girls than him since he cant get his own age, he is 19 by the way im 20. He wants to be in my daughter life but he had his chance to do things right and act like a DAD. before i told him to stop comming by all those times he never brought anyting for the baby ! his mom is the only one that has gotten things for her. He wants me to just let him take her to be with her and for his family to see her but i dont let him i dont trust him he has done alot to not trust him. His family was very upset when i said for him not to come even more upset when i didnt want to let his mom take my baby to a family party, i was invited but i do not talk to my baby daddy. He left me for a 15 year old, they broke up he says he dont want to be with me ok thats fine but he wants to come to my fathers house and disrespect me , telling me im not a good mother and just talking shit even to his friends ! i found out he is dealing again ! i have proff from facebook since i have his yahoo. i felt pressured by his mom when she tried giving me a lesson and making me feel bad but once i told my dad he got in for me too just like his mom was and after that she had nothing to say because she knows her son is bad influence ! she wants him to have rights and he was going to court put himself on childsupport ( first he would need a job ) i havent talked to him till few days ago he called me to be friends and let him see her and take her to his house too and he is not going to court because he needs to get ready to be arrested since he has a really bad record ! i feel bad for my baby but i want her to have someone to look up to . i told him no he still cant se my child until he gets a job and atleast help me out and respects me and my family ( he was talking shit about them too ) since i live with them and those are the only people helping me out ! if his family wants to see her they can come to my dads house but will not let them take her and i dont want to go to their parties/house im not the girlfriend. until i see him growing up i will let him see eher

Angela - posted on 10/29/2012

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In my opinion i think that if his family want to see your child then could they come to your home until you get custody....



I wouldnt allow access anywhere else, no matter how much u trust them.... they still his family and so is ur child. As long as they can provide food, comfort, warmth etc the police wont get involved. You will have to go to court and get him back.



Id think wisely of ur actions..... and im speaking from experience.....x

Bridget - posted on 10/27/2012

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You are not wrong. If the family cannot respect your boundries, than ignore them.

Tasley - posted on 10/25/2012

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If someone wants to see your child, let them come to you. Gas is too high to do someone else a favor. I would tell them my son is a child he has no vehicle and if you want to see him then you know where I live. I don't why some people feel they have to travel so other people can see their kids. No it's the other way around. I would not trust his family because when it comes down to it their all going to take his side, even when he is wrong. Don't fall the smiles and the invites because I think their up to something.

Princess - posted on 10/11/2012

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I would not drop him off I would be there and or close by. I would only be concerned with his family seeing him if he is there then he's there. But at least let him see his other family. They may want to be in his life despite his dead beat father not wanting to. Follow your heart. But I definitely would not drop him off and leave.

Stephanie - posted on 10/05/2012

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oh my thats terrible and annoying. i am kinda in the same boat to . if he wants his child soo bad then he needs to go to court and prove hes a good dad and deserves to see this child. its sad and u should not let your child be left without you around when he wants to see the child. if you can get along around eachother then meet up at a half way point , just a suggestion . thats what i do with the father of my kid he only texts me every couple of months if that to see his kid . he wants me to just drop our 10 month old off with him an hour and half away .- which im not going to because he knows nothing about our kid nor does our child know him . untill he takes you to court then try not to worry about it ..just happily say you have plans. :) i hope it gets better and that he gets his life together so he can be a dad

Amy - posted on 09/23/2012

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Child Support is ordered, but he has yet to work to pay any of it. He would rather "make" his money by stealing off good, hard-working people and selling the stuff, than going out and being a working person. CSEA has already sent paperwork (with copies to me) about him getting taken to court over not paying. And it's only been 9 months since it's been ordered. I let Uncle and Grandma see the baby as much as I can. Me and the uncle are friends, so he sees him just about every day. Grandma is harder since he was (last I knew) staying with her, and I can't stop by her work cause I never know when he's lurking. The cousin that offered her place, I've had my son around her a good amount too so he's fine to be with them, but I'm still doubting it's gonna happen, just because I can't let myself leave my son to see that POS

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Nope you are not wrong. It's your baby and you do whatever you please with him. If he wants to see the baby then it should be on your terms. That's it. Your're the one that is taking care of him not his family nor him.

Amy - posted on 09/19/2012

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The only person in his family that actually cares to see the baby is the DBD's uncle. His grandma would love to see him, but I think she is afraid of getting trapped in the middle since he's her grandson, but she's known my family for longer than I've been alive. He hasn't contacted me since the one phone call in late May, but the way the family member was talking last night, he had expressed to her that he wanted to see my son. I've said since Day 1 that I would let him see him if he was at one of the family member I trusts house, but I haven't heard one word from him. I'm not going to waste my time and energy trying to chase him and get him to see the baby. That's his own decision to make if he wants to see my son or not.

Brittany - posted on 09/19/2012

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^^ I was under the impression Dad hasn'tn requested and time with the child. If this is the case she does not need to allow it to happen since it is the family requesting. She doesn't have to ensure visits with dad to not look vindictive, but she does need a no contact order if she is simply refusing dad access.

Michelle - posted on 09/19/2012

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Though you are feeling pressured it is in your sons best interest to know both sides of his family, whether dad is a dead beat or not. If you trust this person who has offered her house tell her that you will allow the visit as long as they are there to supervise and that your sons father is not to be allowed to be left alone with your son. A court will see this as you making an effort to let your son get to know his father. If you withhold the child no matter what the reason and he takes you to court you will just look like a vindictive ex and the judge may give the bio dad access with out supervision this way he sees baby in a safe environment.

Brittany - posted on 09/19/2012

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Stand your ground with the family. You have all the cards until dad brings you to court. If the family wants to continue to see your son, make sure they know it's under the understanding Dad is not to be there. Should they go behind your back, you will not be returning your son to their care.



I know this sounds harsh, I had to do the same with my sons fathers family. If you want them to respect you and your decisions set boundaries, and let them know you are not playing. Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, do not have rights to the child and you get all the say until a court tells you different.



Hard to do, I know personally. But I must say, for me it completely worked, and the family hasn't requested this of me for over 2 years since I put my foot down and explained to them I would not be bullied.

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