How can I make my children feel safe and alright after a divorce?

Jackie - posted on 05/17/2010

Thank you so much for being so honest. I do talk with my children everyday about what is going on and how they are feeling. Taking my cues from them, regarding what they want to talk about. I always put them first no matter what. I tried having a family meeting however he hates me because of the hurt I put him through and because all the things he had told her. So I will do my best to keep my children safe and keep talking to them.

Trisha - posted on 05/15/2010

Unfortuneitly the outside people doesnt understand when ex's can get along. I was one that came into the family and sturd things up. They had a good relationship and the kids where happy but I felt his exwife got more of his attention then me. Yes stupid I know the kids should always come first. I didnt notice till after their dad and I split up that I was causing a lot of problems for the kids. For some reason it is hard when the kids are not your own. I'm still tryn to figure out why. What I am tryn to say is that she is probly jealous of the relationship you have with your ex because she doesnt have that with anybody and wants it or no one can have it. You should try the video thing and if that doesnt work see if you can have a family meeting without the girlfriend. The advice I have for you is stay calm and talk to your kids about the situation and their feelings and what they want to do. Kids understand so much more than most people think. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!!!!

Jackie - posted on 05/14/2010

Thank you so very much, and I will continue to do just that. I do encourage them to tell him how they feel and to always demand what they want from him. (not material things, just his love and support) and never back down. They use to be so strong, independant and sure of themselves even though they are very young and to see them cry like this breaks my heart. I do encourage them though. Letting them know that they are well loved regardless and I never no matter how I feel utter not one single negative word about him. I just wish that he can open his eyes and see what he is doing to them. Thank you once again for your encouraging words.

Melanie - posted on 05/06/2010

This is such a sad situation for your children I can completly understand. Although I am now 34 my mother and father seperated when I was 15 it wasn't a horrible seperation they went about it very loving with each other and my sister, they remand friends until my mother & my father took up with other people then the shit statrted sorry for the term but it really was shit ! Long story short my mother & her partner never faulted each others ex's & always evcourged each others kids towards the other parent when needed & both stayed good friends with there ex's, on the other hand my father's new women was not as fair to the situation she drove a wedge between my sister & my relationship threw out our teens & made it so her three daughters came before us, this really effected my sister as she is 7 yrs younger than me so she lived in the house with it in her face everyday so she is a very bitter women now towards our father very bitter & I see it effect her & her partner's relationship at times in the way she treats him ! Myself I just came to deal with, well its dad life he will one day look back and never be able to regain those moments he has lost due to listening to someone else's demands, what does hurt is she has driven the wedge that far that my father does not see my 5 children in fact he has only meet my eldest, I think once he became a grandfather she really sunk her teeth in to the idea he was hers & her daughters not my sisters & my father aswell, Now I here from other famaly members her daughters call him dad & there children call him grandad & she has wiped the slate clean of his 1st 2 children & that life ! She has admitted to family members that we are his old life & her & her daughter are his new live, I did let that go but now I see she was serious. My mum & I are much the same we tend to let things play out & hope people come to there sences but now i have to say this was not the situation to have let that happen ! She was very jealous of Mum & Dads live 2gether & apart her ex's hated her he walked out on her (mind you I have meet him on numerous occasions he seems lovely he just couldn't handle being controlled anymore) He didn't becaome back in his daughters lives unitl they were older due to her & how hard she would make it for him ! So really what I am saying is never stop trying for your children & teach them to always tell there Dad how they are feeling about it & that they miss & need him ! I wish I had of done this (rather than thinking Dad would just see it & come 2 his sences) :)

Jackie - posted on 05/06/2010

Thank you so much. I will try the video camera idea. I don't know if she have her children's father in their lives. I don't even know who she is. My ex doesn't want me meeting her. I told him that if this is long term then we have to get along at some point and he told me to go to hell. All I do is love my children even more and never utter a single bad thing about their father. Despite how mad he gets me I still love him. I hope that one day he can see the hurt he is causing his children. And as for recording their cries, I do upon the suggestion of my lawyer. Once again Thank you so very much.
Jackie

Kerry - posted on 05/04/2010

Sometimes it helps for a parent to see what they are doing to their children. Personally I have recorded my sons crying and talking to me about how they feel neglected and also had a video camera in the room and let them tell daddy how they feel on that instead. Children find it so difficult to tell someone to their face if they are hurting that bad so I found this a safer and easier option for them and it was my 9 year old son who suggested doing the video recording. Another thing, does this woman have her own childrens father around? If she doesnt, then chances are that she is looking for a replacement and is jealous of your ex's love for his children. Just remind your children that in all the things you do that you love them and are there for them no matter what. I hope this helps you x