how do i deal with a soon to be ex that breaks my childrens hearts?

Staci - posted on 08/27/2009

Been there done that! The best thing I can tell you is pray pray pray pray pray. And then always remember you can not control his atitude or what he does or says you can only control and be accountable for you how you respond and things you say and do. Always remain calm and in control, think always best interest of the child (this helps you to smile when you want to just let him have it). Trust me when he sees he is not pushing your buttons his whole atitude will change. Remember your stuck with him for life becuase you have a child the goal is to have a civil relationship with him for the sake of the child. Bottum line is when he is being the biggest jerk ever and you think he has reached a new low remember what doesn't break you will only make you stronger.

Leah - posted on 08/14/2009

Sadly, you cannot force him to want to be around his children. Hopefully, this is just something that he is doing in attempt to deal with things, although it is incredibly petty. Perhaps, he is hoping that by saying these things, he thinks he will get to you enough that you will drop the divorce proceedings? The only thing you can do, is document EVERYTHING! He may not have signed his rights away, and in the end, he may try and turn around and use this against you. Just be careful! For the sake of the children, I hope he grows up a bit and decides to stop hurting your children to get at you. If you need anything, please feel free to message me! I wish you luck!

Ros - posted on 08/14/2009

hi crystal,i have had to go through the same heartbreaking situation myself i am an older single mum of 49 my ex has been in and out of my childrens lives since we divorced 7yrs ago,i once watched my son then 3 stand in my front garden telling anyone that would listen that it was his daddy,s birthday and he was coming to take him out for the day,i then had to watch his dissappointment when my ex never bothered to turn up,they have not seen him now for 2yrs,i think some children are happier if they don,t have to go through all the turmoil of visits from their dad,your soon to be ex is obviously thinking of his own pain and not considering the feelings of your children.

Chris - posted on 08/14/2009

Just enjoy your kids and be the best mom you can be, and know that he is the one missing out, not the kids. As painful as it is the only thing that you can do to protect your kids is to love them, and to try not to say anything bad about there dad in front of them, when you need to tell someone what a jerk their dad is tell a friend when they are not around. Or just say it here!! = )

Michelle - posted on 08/13/2009

MY BEST ADVICE IS TO KEEP ASSURING YOUR CHILDREN THAT YOU ARE THERE FOR THEM AND THAT YOU LOVE THEM, MY EX ONLY BOTHERS WITH OUR 4YR OLD SON WHEN ITS CONVENIENT FOR HIM, I WAS TOLD BY A COUNSELOR THAT I SHOULDN'T MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIS FATHER BUT CONFIRM MY SONS FEELINGS BY SAYING" I KNOW YOU MISS DADDY, AND I KNOW YOU ARE HURTING BUT I AM HERE FOR YOU AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH"

Krystal - posted on 08/13/2009

I would tell him that if he's going to be an "A-hole" to your kids to not just show up at your house. He's doing this to hurt you b/c he's angry. I would try to keep the kids out of it as much as possible. My friend Angie told her kids that their dad was working alot. I know it sucks, but be strong for them. They'll feel it from you if your sad or pissed off at their dad. I wish you the best of luck. I hope for your kids that he'll be a man and take care of your kids and be a dad. Krystal-Fort Mill, SC

Isabel - posted on 08/13/2009

On a practical level, you must not let your children see him whilst he is behaving like this. Rejection is far harder for a child than absence. He shoudl not have let his daughter see him if he is going to reject her, would he do that to a stranger, I think not. Tell him he must not come to the house, change the locks, whatever youhave to do to protect.

Candice - posted on 08/13/2009

is the divorce finalized? my ex was so upset when i broke up with him that he claimed my daughter wasn't even his! but he came around and changed his tune. (haha..so much so that now he suddenly wants shared custody). he may come around...and if he does..i hate to say it but don't be the one to keep him from her. she'll just resent YOU for it. i'm not saying give him shared time, but don't keep him from visitation. kids are WAY more forgiving than adults when it comes to their parents.



if he doesn't come around..well wow..men! i don't get how someone can look at a small child that's theirs and not feel anything but adoration. if i haven't seen my daughter, even for just the day at daycare, my heart smiles when i hear her voice and see her face. he doesn't know what he's missing. just don't let him get off without paying support...he may not care about her...but he helped make her, and he can damn well help support her.

Janice - posted on 08/13/2009

how could he do that to such an angel?hi im janice from the phils just saw and read ur post...well i am a single mom to a 6yo girl...we may have a diff case but i know how it feels if your child is bein ignored by his or her dad...just try to make this little angel busy doin some stuffs that interests her...and little by little try to tell her atleast try on a level that she will somehow understands,that ur situation is a little different for now...hopefully u can get her to understand with ur own little way....and try to talk to ur "soon to be ex husband" not to show himsel into ur home again"just to make things more difficult esp for the kids...u go pretty momma..its his LOST not yours! niether ur beautiful kid's...more power and GOD bless..

Melissa - posted on 08/13/2009

I have been in your shoes and my ex-husband was the same way. He left me on my 8th year wedding anv. I have had to tell my kids every time he has broke the plate... He put's his new girlfriend and her kids before ares and my kids are 9,8 and my lil girl is 5... There has been many of time he has not showed up for them and i have set there with all 3 of them crying there eyes out and say daddy dont love us.. It breaks your heart to see them go threw this.. Keep your head up and be there for you babe's they need you... My oldest now hates his dad for what he done and he know that and dont care... Dont give in to him girl

Corrie - posted on 08/12/2009

It may not seem like it now, but you are so so fortunate to get him out of your life (and your children's lives) sooner rather than later. He obviously has deep rooted anger and emotional issues and probably would have caused more harm than good, had your marriage lasted longer. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't allow him in the house while the kids are there and just explain to them that Daddy is sick and needs help and hopefully he will get better soon. If you have local friends and family, def lean on them for support. You are going to have to be strong for your kids right now. They will be looking to you for guidance and support....spoil them rotten with love, attention and affection and try to keep them around other people (friends and family) who will do the same. Don't worry....you will be okay. You are much stronger than you think and you will get through this!!

Jennifer - posted on 08/12/2009

Let me tell you that I know your pain. I was married for 11 years and have 4 children. Hearing your children cry over their dad "not wanting them" is the hardest thing I think we will ever have to go through as moms. My children are the light of my life. My ex did so many things to get back at me, and hurting the children in the process. He truly thought he could do whatever he wanted and I would never divorce him. I had our 4th child, with my sister as my coach, because he was no where to be found. To this day, she is now 4 1/2 I have no idea where he was, nor do I care. I have my children. He was very neglectful, hurtful and mean to all of us. He works under the table to avoid the child support. Once in a blue moon he calls. Usually when he knows we won't be home, kids at sitters when I work. And the kids just cry and cry that they can't see him, talk to him, be with him. My youngest has never actually lived in the same house as him. So I do understand, how it hurts you. We sit and talk when my kids go through these feelings, we go do something outside or play a game or find a fun activity. Anything to get their minds focused elsewhere. Hold them, love them and cherish every moment. My oldest is now 9 1/2 and she has lived over half of her life with just me. Unfortunately, she now has a wall around her when it comes to her father, and I honestly don't blame her. I just hope someday he will realize how very foolish he was.

Cinthia - posted on 08/12/2009

Being in your situation is probably the toughest you will encounter through your divorce. No matter what your ex does, you have to be the best you can be. I speak from experience when I tell you that fighting in front of the kids and bashing their father is a big NO NO. No matter what he does, you have to remind your children that you both love them the same as the day they were born. Even if he has nothing to do with them. They need that. Your ex really doesn't feel the way he says, he is just angry. One day that anger is going to pass and he will regret everything he says. It is important that you never tell your children how your ex is feeling or what he is saying. This will damage your child psychologically. No matter how many times they hear "I am sorry", they will never forget how he felt. You have to be the better person in the whole situation. You need to make sure he notifies you if he is coming around. When he does you need to make arrangements to meet him alone or have the children gone when he gets there. Remember, you are not doing this to be mean but you are doing this to protect your children. Things will get better because of you and what you do and how you handle yourself. You can't dwell on his mishaps. Making is children "unavailable" when he is around will show him that it is not affecting you or the child. He now has no one to reject. He is doing this to get back at you not the kids. You have to keep the upper hand and be the best person. I hope this helps. God Bless.

Barbara - posted on 08/12/2009

There is nothing you can do about the way their father acts. The only thing that you can control is your reactions. Your reactions is going to determine how your children take it. Give your children the love and support that they need but do not make the mistake of trying to 'make-up' for their father's actions. You can't. Just love them and support them.

It will help to get someone to talk to. I found a wonderful therapist that was very supportive and helped me to help my children.

Crystal - posted on 08/12/2009

Wow, ladies. I am blown away at all of the support and advise I have received. I never expected to receive so much help. To answer a few of the questions in all the comments; I do have an amazing lawyer and I am asking for full custody. And to be honest, there is not a judge in the world that would allow him any type of custody. He is aware of this and is only asking for minimal visitation. I am convinced that he is bipolar and he is literally a different person with me everyday. I love the idea of the journal, and am so grateful for all the reminders to just love my kids and be thankful they have me. My children are my world and I know he is threatening me with stupid stuff because he is trying to get me to cave. Unfortunately for him, I've been caving for seven years and he will NOT take advantage of me for one more minute! I don't know any of you, but I love you all for taking the time to try to help me out. I appreciate it more than you know!

Valerie - posted on 08/12/2009

Oh my heart breaks at this posting and other replies. I'm in the same boat though, so hard. Really quick though,I agree with one posting to not let him stop by , I would get a restraining order on him if he doesn't agree to calling first. He may not have been abusive but he is now, neglecting and emotionally hurting his daughter like that. It's enough for a temporary restraining order. I held that threat in front of my ex and he straightened up. You do whatever you have to to protect them emotionally, that kind of moment is potentially traumatizing, I am very careful to not expose my two children to negative thoughts, emotions, words exchanged between the two of us, etc. Can you move? Take the negative out and fill it with positive. If my ex starts to act like a fool we are outta here, maybe it'll shape him up a bit. I am so grateful I have full custody so I can do that if I need to. Hopefully once the divorce is final and life gets a little settled for him things will fall into place, he's having a temper tantrum right now. Go for full custody though, you may not get it but don't be afraid to keep rocking that boat. Do what you can to put yourself in a position of be able to do all that you can and need to do in all possible situations.
I remember him wanting to stop by during the separation and my son seeing him sporadically like that hurt him too much so I would pack up the kids and go to the park before he got there and let him do what he needed. Things will settle down and get much better, you're in the thick of it now. But for now, at least to know your rights and get a plan in place, I would visit the local police station and ask to speak to the officer who specializes in domestic violence and get advice and support. that may be the only incident of emotional abuse toward his daughter but once is too many times, prepare for the next. I went this route and it really helped.

Melissa - posted on 08/12/2009

My Children are 10 and 7. I was the one doing all the chasing and organising and driving for my ex to see our children, until somebody told me that all I am doing is setting my kids up for rejection because if their father doesn't want them in his life then they will sense it and you can't make him. Just hug your kids and tell them that you love them very much they will work it out for themselves and you can't change the situation and as hard as it is you can't protect your daughter from it

Karen - posted on 08/12/2009

Quoting Amber :

I just posted this for another mom on Facebook, but would like you to read it as well.

Hon, take it from someone who's been through it twice. Forget about it now, before he hurts your son, the way he's hurt you. It WILL happen. Someday your son will be old enough to understand....your ex is making his own bed with that child, but you have got to protect him while he's too young to understand. Start a journal for your child. Don't put anything mean and hateful about your ex in it, but tell your son in your daily entries, how much you love him, and give him reasons of why you have made this choice, and explain the guilt you feel. Explain everything that goes through your head without bashing your ex. Someday when your child is old enough to understand, you can show him the journal you made for him, and I guarantee he will see nothing but love, and have the utmost respect for you. Be the bigger man. Hold your ground. Love your child like there is no tomorrow. Protect him now.

i love this idea!!!! this is about the best advice you may get!!! Amber, way to go!! expanding on the journal, put happy time pictures in there and make sure you date each entry!! the more trips to the playground the merrier!! even if you take pictures of your children on the coin op rides!! document all the fun she had as a child and it was just you and her... play dates, friends meeting friends for a trip to the zoo...

Amber - posted on 08/11/2009

I just posted this for another mom on Facebook, but would like you to read it as well.

Hon, take it from someone who's been through it twice. Forget about it now, before he hurts your son, the way he's hurt you. It WILL happen. Someday your son will be old enough to understand....your ex is making his own bed with that child, but you have got to protect him while he's too young to understand. Start a journal for your child. Don't put anything mean and hateful about your ex in it, but tell your son in your daily entries, how much you love him, and give him reasons of why you have made this choice, and explain the guilt you feel. Explain everything that goes through your head without bashing your ex. Someday when your child is old enough to understand, you can show him the journal you made for him, and I guarantee he will see nothing but love, and have the utmost respect for you. Be the bigger man. Hold your ground. Love your child like there is no tomorrow. Protect him now.

Karen - posted on 08/11/2009

take it for what it is!!! imagine what he may say or do when you're NOT there!! dont put your children thru that with a man who obviously is not a man... let your lawyer know what is going on and please take my advice.... do not encourage it by saying mean things about him to the kids... how about counseling? try having time set aside and let the kids pick what they want to do that day...

Christal - posted on 08/10/2009

Crystal to be honest he is being a big fat baby. He is trying to get you to cave because he knows that you love your kids and would doing anything to make it better on them. If thats how he wants to be let him but remind him that later on when he wants to be with them and they don't care because he wasn't around it will be his fault. My ex actually acted that way when we divorced but it was because he wanted to run around all the time, I made him be there dad and now I'm back to fighting over my kids because things have gotten so bad my kids are in therapy. As kids get older they remember who did what and why things are the way they are. We parents divorce everyone hurts for awhile. Hold strong and eventually everything will work out. Unforntually, you can't protect your kids from things like this.

Toccara - posted on 08/10/2009

Well first off it will not end. I have a four year old daughter, she doesn't cry for her father because I made so that she only acknowlegde him when he is around. Which is wrong but I just tried to protect her, like a mother should. When he started not being a father, I refused him when he wanted to. A sometimes father is worse than a father not there at all. I had to learn that he is going to make his own choice and you CANNOT make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Dont waste your time. It's very stressful and depressing. It took me a while to figured that out. Once I realized that he was going to be like that, I gave up and said "you don't want to be her father, so be it." It felt a whole lot better to let go of that. The only way things are going to get better is when you realize that you are going to be ok and be a great mom. His lose, who cares. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts me for my daughter to know that his a jerk, but not as bad as it did in the beginning.

Colleen - posted on 08/10/2009

Crystal, I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this. do you have a lawyer? I don't think a parent can "sign away their rights" to their children unless you agreed to let him. am I wrong? the courts can enforce child support & visitation. you may be tempted right now to want him out of your lives completely, but my advice to you is to make sure he takes reponsibility for his kids at least financially. unless he is a substance abuser or physically abusive, the courts are likely to give him every other weekend visitation. weather or not he chooses to take advantage of that is another story, but he MUST pay child support. yes, it's killing you to see your kids hurting right now, but you still need to take care of their basic needs & will need the $ & the kids deserve it. if you can't afford a lawyer there are people at your county family court that can help. take a deep breath, continue to show your kids how much you love them & things will get better. good luck

Kerri - posted on 08/10/2009

Crystal:
It is not easy, you are not alone I have a 14 year old and twins (4). My ex is a jerk too just put your best foot forward and keep loving the children. I remember the crying it makes you so angry, but that does not help them with the fact dad's not there. We keep busy with our lives and it does get better.

Good Luck
Kerri

Gidget - posted on 08/10/2009

Quoting Crystal:

how do i deal with a soon to be ex that breaks my childrens hearts?

How do I deal with a soon to be ex-husband that is so upset by what i am asking for in our divorce, that he is claiming to not want anything to do with our children. He is also claiming that he has signed away his rights as their father. He stopped by my house last night to grab something and when my daughter saw him she wanted him, and he refused to even look at her. He completely broke her heart. Have you ever had to listen to a two year old cry the cry of a broken heart? It was painful and i will do anything to protect her from that again. Any suggestions?

i am a mother that was kicked out with my daughter at the time of 13 months old. i didnt knw what to do are where to go with my daughter crying so hard i had to bring her to the hospital. well, all i can tell you is that 8 years later he has givin up all rights and we are doing fine. you just need to look in your childrens hearts and know that they need your love and sound of your voice to sooth there tears to know the you will always be there for them and reasure them you are not going to leave them no matter how hard it gets out there. that you are there for them day in and day out, show them they are your life and you will protect them. and they didnt do anything to make this happen.

Latonya - posted on 08/10/2009

Thats is so wrong that he will do that to his own children. He dont deserve to be call a man. Just pray sweetie and things will get better. Just trust the man upstairs, you and the children will be all right.

Danielle - posted on 08/10/2009

If your "soon to be ex" is going to act like a child, then treat him like one. If he wants to stop by to grab something, make him call first to set a day and time, ask what it is he wants from the house and set it outside. Your job is to protect your children. He may have a right to be hurt and upset, but he DOESN'T have a right to hurt his kids. It's not their fault that the two of you didn't work out. If he has signed his parental rights away, then it's probably best for your children. If he can do that so easily, he didn't really love them to begin with. I am certain that your kids will be hurt and angry by this, but as long as they have you and you love them and understand what they are going through, they will be fine. Kids are very resillient. Hopefully your ex is just acting out because he's angry and doesn't take himself out of his children's lives, but if that happens, the best you can do is to be there for your kids at all costs. Let them know that your love for them is unconditional and that they will always have you no matter what. Good luck!

Krista - posted on 08/10/2009

I am so sad that this is happening to you and your children. I can't believe a man can be that selfish. I hope that things work out better for you!

Barbara - posted on 08/10/2009

Quoting Crystal:

how do i deal with a soon to be ex that breaks my childrens hearts?

How do I deal with a soon to be ex-husband that is so upset by what i am asking for in our divorce, that he is claiming to not want anything to do with our children. He is also claiming that he has signed away his rights as their father. He stopped by my house last night to grab something and when my daughter saw him she wanted him, and he refused to even look at her. He completely broke her heart. Have you ever had to listen to a two year old cry the cry of a broken heart? It was painful and i will do anything to protect her from that again. Any suggestions?

Crystal,

Don't give up!!  He is trying to control you in hopes that you will lower your demands in the divorce. Honestly, I have a 16-year old and now a 4-year old, with different Dads. The first one, I caved and gave in for the sake of my emotions and my peace of mind. However, I have spent the last 14 years struggling and rebuilding my life because I did "cave", took less money, took all the debt, and his Dad now sees him. I am in the midst of my divorce with my 2nd husband and I am standing up for my child!! I am raising him and that is worth more money than anyone can afford. Be confident in your worth.....love your kids.....and use them as your strength. Seeing the smiles on their face when they wake-up in the morning is worth it.

Crystal - posted on 08/08/2009

Thank you all so much for your advice and suggestions! It helps so much just to know that I'm not alone. I really appreciate it!

Penny - posted on 08/08/2009

I hate this... I have also had to deal with this. My son is only 2 but he knows that his daddy calls sometimes.. However he won't talk to our son for some reason. I hate to see my son running to the phone anytime it rings and yelling daddy and wondering why he won't talk. Or he will play with his play phone and bring it to me and say daddy. I don't know how to tell you to help with the pain other than I just pick up my son and tell him " you know MOMMY loves you very much" I hate leaving my son at a babysitter for this very reason. I am so scared that he is going to think that his mommy left him too. I can't give you any advice on how to help the pain I can tell you that it never gets easier.. and as they get older they start to ask questions like why doesn't my daddy love me.. I had my nephew ask me that the other day and it was all I could do to keep from sobbing right there in front of him.. My only advice would be to show them all the love that you possibly can.. we are WOWman..

Amy - posted on 08/08/2009

Personally being a child where my mother and father divorces when i was 3 i know very much how is feels when you father doesn't want to know you anymore.. I've always said to my mum i wish that she kept him out of my life. All she has said was that i always wanted him in my life. But i was just a child! Did i know what was happening? Thanks to my biological father being in my life i had to drop out of secondary school due to me not feeling safe as his family live in the area, also many years of counsiling due to me thinking it was my thought my father doesn't love me or want to know me. Now I am 19, my father lives 2 miles away from me and i have no contact with him. When i gave birth to my beautiful son. Now 7 months. I finally sent him the 6 page text telling him that i am now making the decisions and i do not want him in my life or my boys life. Since then i have never recieved a phone call, text or message through the family. Personally i wish i never has any contact with my father as it caused me many years of distress when i could finally understand. I would tell my kids when they were old enough to understand the brief truth. Also give them the choice to make contact but warn them of the repercussions..

I hope this helped..

Amy
XxX

Paris - posted on 08/08/2009

If this man really wants nothing more to do with his own children just because of you, then he is a piece of shit! He doesnt deserve to be their father and he is the one missing out! Put all of his shit on the side of the road and tell him never to come to your house again!! Dont even give him the oportunity to break their hearts!! If he really loves them he'll come to his senses eventually! And if he doesnt, then at least they have a mother that loves them! Just be brave for your children!

Raelynn - posted on 08/07/2009

Sadly enough, you are not alone. I just wrote on another post about men not being in their children's lives, but had to respond to you since our situations are so similar. My ex was the kind of father all my friends wished their husbands would be...until we started the divorce. Once he realized that he couldn't hurt me through material things or other women, he decided to do what he knew would hurt me more than anything..hurt my children. It wasn't physical (even though he started doing many dangerous and neglectful things during his quest to be 20 again), he just decided to stop being a dad. The only time he would see them was when I called him to arrange it, if he didn't have anything else planned. It has been so difficult to see my babies hurt and fight my natural reaction to protect them at all cost. I don't know what is worse, never getting to know their child or disappearing from their lives. It hurts to hear my son still talk about his father as a hero and fight the urge everyday to tell them he does not deserve their love and admiration, and why. All I can tell you is do what I still have to remind myself to do everyday...enjoy your babies and be thankful you are not the one missing out. =) Good luck!