how do i deal with my daughter father?

Anastasia - posted on 08/29/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I was in a 3 year relationship with my daughter father. We broke up a month before I found out I was pregnant due to his infedility. I saw him one time when I was pregnant. I stayed in the hospital with my pregnancy an almost lost our daughter an I called him an he flat out told me that he was with his girlfriend. But to make a long story short my daughter is 8 months now an he doesn't do anything for her or spend time with our daughter. He has a long distance relationship an he finds time to go see her...so why not be there for our daughter? His family don't like me cuz he lies to them like its me...what do I do? Do I move on an stop waiting for him to do right?

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Laura - posted on 10/05/2012

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Hi Anastasia,



I'm in kind of the same situation as you. Don't wait around, you've waisted enough time.

When he's ready he will contact you.



Is his name on the birth certificate?

Jessica - posted on 09/21/2012

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My ex left me when I was 5 weeks pregnant now I'm 22 weeks. He's dating someone new (6 yrs younger than us) and hasn't showed any interest at all. Of course the baby in my scenario isn't born yet so I will give him some time to get his act together (in my scenario there's a lot to get together, the last week we were together I found out through his phone that he was back into drugs, now he's dating a 20 yr old druggie, is on parole working under the table at a bar- where he's not allowed to work, etc) As much as I hear everyone saying "move on but keep the door open". I can't say I feel the same way. Do you really want the man to come back in your daughter's life say 10 years from now after you've spent the last decade raising her and doing everything for her without any help from him. Then all of a sudden she's at an older, more relatable age and he's going to jump back in and start taking her and deserve the name dad? I don't know. I mean I understand if he does change in a couple years, but I really think you need to have a limit on the whole "leaving the door open". What if you end up finding someone who you marry and your little girl calls him daddy? I'm totally for being honest with your child and when they are old enough to understand telling them who their birth father is. Even for if the child wants to meet him trying to work an arrangement so they can talk things out and he can answer the questions she has, for himself. I can't say I'm for then letting him jump in and being "daddy". I think that will just make things more complicated. What if his ideals aren't the same as the ones you've instilled in your child. Like for example: I'm a christian and my ex just decided suddenly to declare himself an atheist (I'm guessing mimicking his new gf who says she's a satanist). Because of my upbringing and his there are a LOT of differences in ideals and character traits that are important. My daughter will be growing up with the foundations of purity, love, valuing life and future, and not just living in the moment, holding yourself accountable for your actions, etc. I don't need him coming in the picture 10 years down the road and trying to change things that I felt were important for her to have the best life possible. I just don't see where the benefit for the child is in that situation. Not to mention how teenagers get when they get mad at their parents. They say "they'll run away", "move in with someone else". Do you really want him to be around so she can (in those lovely teenage years we've all gone through) be able to say "well I'll just go live with dad" when he just came into her life and probably still hardly, and only a little while before. Actions come with consequences that's a part of life. If you're too stubborn to learn about consequences until 10-12 years down the road I don't think everyone else in your life should have to pay for your delinquency. Again, this is just my opinion. You need to decide for yourself what's the best for you and your child. Hope I didn't get anyone upset with my opinion. Everyone has a different way that is the best way to raise their child, you can take everyone's advice but ultimately it's your decision on what's best for your child.

Jo - posted on 08/31/2012

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Move on and by the way, you know the answer. Be done with him. Find someone who will love you and your daughter. Why would you want to bring these people into your daughter's life? Move on, make your world a better place for you and your daughter.

Amanda - posted on 08/30/2012

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This is a blessing in disguise. You do not want this kind of guy around your daughter. Have him give up all rights to your daughter and make sure you have child support papers in place. This way, he does not have any rights to her, but still has to be there for her financially. After that is done, he will be nothing more than a check and you can all move on with your lives. Your daughter deserves someone better. Definitely do not wait around from him to "change." Take it from someone who knows, that will never happen.



Never.

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Ashley - posted on 10/05/2012

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Move on. He hasn't showed that he cares for her. It's you're right as a mother to protect her and do whats best, even if that is from her father. She will thank you in the long run. Bc if he never comes around you don't want to let her down and her continuously get her hopes up only for him to not do anything. It's hard but you have to the if your daughter now.

Deonica - posted on 09/28/2012

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Move on don't waste anymore of your precious time, enjoy your daughter and life .

Jocelyn - posted on 09/02/2012

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P.S. I knew a man who had a child before he was ready and signed away his parental rights. When I asked why he didn't keep the child, he replied it wasn't his responsibility, it's the girl's responsibility to take care of birth control and it's her fault if she gets pregnant. I was shocked. He said it without any remorse or emotion (he was with the girl for four years, it wasn't a one night stand). Ten years later the same man has another child, but this time he is ready. This child is his entire world. The man's life revolves around that little person and he will take care of his child in every way for the rest of his life. People can change. It takes time.

Jocelyn - posted on 09/02/2012

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Move on. Don't hold your breath waiting for him to grow up. One day he may look back on this time with deep regret (it may take ten years for a man to really grow up where he feels responsible for his own actions or it may never happen), and if it does then you can let him back into your child's life, but until then get child support and just focus on your little one. Good luck.

Jamie - posted on 08/30/2012

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I totally agree he could turn around but I don't understand how you can respect the baby's daddy either? Never close the door tight but don't dwell

On it. But I'm in same situation pretty much and there's not one person who could tell

Me to respect him. Maybe if he turns around then that's different but 3 years later I'm not mad at him so much. It still hurts through my child but I do everything I can to make it better.

Your doing everything you can do and it hurts I know. My sons father doesn't refer him to his real kid even. But to his family he puts blame on me but I've even left the door open to them. Family matters even if you don't like them lol

Be as good of mom as you can. We only get one shot at this and our babies are the most important thing. Goes by to fast. Forget him but if he comes back don't hold the anger. The kids always find out the truth but don't ever tell them bad per say. My father till the day he died said nothing bad about

My mom or allowed anyone else either. Always gave credit to her. He was a dead beat dad sorta speck untill about 4 years before he died.

Good luck

[deleted account]

People definitely do change, and grow up in time @Amanda. As well, if he is allowed to sign his rights away, that forfeits all chances of receiving child support from him whatsoever. That's what signing rights away is for entirely. It's something that a guy or girl can do regarding their child, and typically, unless a judge intervenes otherwise, it takes the consent of the other parent to allow it to happen.



I have a mother just like you Amanda, and she did all you suggested years ago. Wouldn't you know it, time pushed her buttons a bit worse than my fathers and she became a drunk, beat me and everyone in the house, got me into a car accident and scarred my face for life, and pretty much ruined my childhood with her devotion to her real love "alcohol" instead of us kids. She started out with good intentions, but what happened?



Don't judge people, and like it or not, have some respect for your babies father. You don't know someone, just like you don't always know yourself. People with that kind of attitude sicken me.

Anastasia - posted on 08/30/2012

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I meant do I wait to see if he going come around an be in our daughter life or do I just hang it up

Anastasia - posted on 08/30/2012

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I meant do I wait to see if he going come around an be in our daughter life or do I just hang it up

[deleted account]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by, "Do I move on and stop waiting for him to do right". From the sounds of things, he's done all of the moving on for you. What is it exactly that you are "not" moving on about or hanging on to?

Caroline - posted on 08/30/2012

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Oh Hun I really feel for you, it's horriable when you fall for someone who is emotionally immature, and it is sad coz you don't relise untill it's too late, all I can say to you is keep your head held high and be the best mum you can be for your daughter :) things will get better and hopefully you'll meet someone who will be a content in yours and your daughters life that will love her more than her real dad ever could x

Anastasia - posted on 08/30/2012

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He has no parental responsibility...an what's really sad is I read on Facebook. Were his current girlfriend wrote that she's trying to conceive ....

Caroline - posted on 08/30/2012

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Honestly, cut all ties. If he is not interested in your daughter then move on, always keep the door open for him if he changes his mind for your daughters sake but hopefully by then you and your daughter will have realised what he is lik and she won't want to see him anyway. Does he have any parental responsibility?

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