How do I deal with my well-meaning but stupid baby's father?

Kendra - posted on 08/12/2012

I would agree with the other post but when you take him to court for visitation make one of the stipulations be that he get the help he needs, I.e. medication parenting classes ect. And only supervised visitations even if it with a trusted friend.

Dana - posted on 08/11/2012

Thank you all for your help. I already have court-ordered child support set up even though he doesn't work right now. I also have definitely set boundaries with him before... many ultimatums and rules. All totally reasonable but still ignored. I just don't know how to create a consequence that he will respond to. I will say something like, "you need to stay in contact with me and let me know where you are when you're coming over that day", and he won't, at all, and then will be completely baffled when I tell him he can no longer come over that day. It's like he really doesn't understand. He will badger me CONSTANTLY and beg and beg and beg to come see him, and say "what did I do wrong? I never did that..."

@ Jocelyn,
I definitely have tried to get him a job - I wrote his resume, cover letters, escorted him to businesses to turn them in for months and months on end, and I scored him quite a few interviews that he totally bombed. Then I got myself a job and could no longer do that working 40 hours a week and expected him to take some personal responsibility. A big part of the reason I broke up with him was because I was turning into his mommy/escort on my dime and time, and several days I had to miss work to give him rides because he had rode the bus wrong. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle a man-child as well as a newborn. He shows no motivation in life and I definitely cannot afford to pay his medical bills, I am still paying mine off from my son's birth, not to mention buying him all the things a new baby needs. I know he is capable of doing these things himself because he has done them before and succeeded. But he always gives up and he isn't changing...

It's just that he is a great dad when he is here, but on paper and when he is away he is really terrible. I guess a big part of it is my own dissatisfaction with it because I feel his son deserves his attention more often and to be put in front of his own needs. But I also have realized you can't change someone if they do not want to change... Sigh.

I've decided the best thing to do is make a parenting plan so there are legal rules that he can't ignore or he will lose his rights. Specific days and times he will be over, and if possible, Kristen, I will request him needing to get psychological issues sorted out before he is granted visitation. Then he can't come crying to me when he messes up and blame me, because the enforcer won't be me, it will be the state. I think it will also make me feel more resolute and like I am doing the right thing...

Thanks again for all your help ladies, it helped me gain some perspective in this.

Jocelyn - posted on 08/10/2012

He sounds like a very sweet, well-meaning man with mental deficiencies. If he does have bipolar disorder and fetal alcohol effects, then he is incapable of improvement without professional help. He refused to get help before, but he is madly in love with his new baby. I would lay down the law and let him know he will not see his baby until he seeks help. Maybe medication can help him be the reliable and responsible father your baby deserves. However, you will probably have to make the appointments for him, drive him, stay with him, talk to the doctors with him, and even foot the medical bill if he is broke. If it isn't something you can afford, you may need to help him find a job.

Beth - posted on 08/08/2012

I would say let your ex stand on his own two feet and sort himself out first. Take him to court and get child support/visitation sorted out - if for no other reason that give you peace of mind.

Your ex also needs to get himself sorted, but it's a decision he has to make for himself and can't be forced upon him.

I know this may sound harsh, but you need to give your ex some tough love. Let him know that you are happy with him being in your child's life, but it has rules attached. One of them is get himself sorted medically. Hopefully once he's got himself sorted then other issues like work, permanent address, time management will hopefully improve.

Work with your ex at sorting short and long term goals about him sorting himself out and also seeing your child. That way you can see he's making the necessary improvements to his life and he gets to see your child. I know that it may sound cruel and maybe harsh, but it's a compromise. Also make sure that you set firm but fair boundaries so that your ex knows where you stand when it comes to visitation with your child. Yes your ex has got medical conditions that affect his behaviour, but he needs to recognise that he needs help with the conditions and get it. There is only so much that you can do, the rest of it has to be down to your ex to recognise and do what needs doing from him.

Kristin - posted on 08/07/2012

I would take him to court for child support and supervised visits until he can be deemd fit to care for the child. if he has a hostory of mental issues than you can also request he seek help before having your child in his care. Unfortunately the courts do like to have both parents involkved in a childs life and as long as the child is not in a life threatning situation the courts will grant him access to the child whether it be supervised or not. Do not give him money or food he nees to start being responsible, buit if he loves his son he will make the necessary changes to be a good father