HOW DO SINGLE MOMS COPE WITH AN ABSANTEE FATHER?

Lori - posted on 10/08/2012

My son is 7 months old and has never really met his father. His father turned his back a week after I found out I was pregnant and never looked back. We've had our fair share of arguments over the months and at some point have even tried to be civil which always ends in an argument anyways and then I won't hear from him for a couple of months. I myself am working on getting better with ignoring him and moving on. It's hard. Really hard. I cry a lot and it's been a year and 3 months and I still have a hard time accepting that my son will most likely not know his father. The best thing you can do is just keep focused on your future and raising your child. Keep busy, which seems pretty easy because raising a child is enough work as it is. Do the best you can for your child and know that the rest will fall into place. Easier said than done, I know. But what I've learned is that stressing and over thinking really doesn't solve the problem or make the situation any better. It just makes you more stressed and it's exhausting and you need to save all the energy you can to raise your child in a happy positive environment. I'm looking into some counseling because I don't have too many friends to talk to. Many of my friends stopped hanging out with me when I was pregnant because I wasn't "fun" anymore and I couldn't "hang out" the way I used to. All in all, it's been a huge lesson learned. I learned a lot about who my real friends are, and sadly even family let me down, and I learned a lot about the man I loved and who I thought loved me. Be gracious about your situation and trust that you are doing what is right for your son. One day your son will be old enough to understand and he will appreciate and admire your strength for raising him all on your own.

Tasley - posted on 10/07/2012

Yes it is hard and yet at times it's quite simple, because you don't have to deal with a lot of BS from the father's side and his family. Yes' the situation does hurt sometimes as if the father''s do not care about their own flesh and blood. So I just raise my children the best I can with a smile on my face.

Sherry - posted on 06/02/2012

I have been doing it for almost 8 years. Sperm donor has never met my daughter, even though he knows she exists. Personally, I don't think it is difficult. I have my father and my brother around. Plus she is also close to her best friend's father. This is all my daughter has ever known. Yes, she wants a father. She even asks me to start dating again so I can find her a father. She is only 7, so I think it is a little too soon in her life for me to start dating.

Beth - posted on 06/01/2012

My ex husband would come under the 'absentee father' umbrella. When we initially split up he would see the girls on a fairly regular basis, when he moved away it gradually became less - with me stopping him having access to my girls for a while due to his cancelling/changing plans at the last minute. Then he was allowed to have visits again for a while, until I was staying with my parents for a while. At my parents it was only phone calls until I found somewhere else to live. Anyway had to stop phone calls because he kept pestering my eldest for ask me for visits - so I stopped direct contact again. Anyway he remarried and we heard nothing off him for three years. about 2.5 years ago, he decided to come back in their lives again after divorce number 2 (and I suspect pressure from his family asking after my girls, he couldn't provide any information apart from school reports). I let him have contact with a set of rules attached and knowing that it probably wouldn't last long, leaving me to deal with the fall out of the girls' emotions. Anyway he had contact with my girls for about 4/5 months, and just as they were coming around and starting to write back to him, he stopped. My eldest had done a letter for him and he never collected it even though he was aware of it's existance. It'll be 2 years in about 2 weeks since my girls have heard anything from him.

A couple of times he asked me for visitation with the girls and I said no as they hadn't heard anything off him for over 6 months so had to start at the beginning again - writing letters with a view to working up to visits, to be done at the girls' pace not his. I made it clear that it had to be done at the girls' pace not his. Last year he claimed that he'd sent the girls a letter once a fortnight, but none of them have ever arrived. So it's been about 16 months now since I heard anything from him.

As for dealing with it - I've let my ex do the damage in the eyes of my girls. I certainly believe that my girls are better off without him in their life and have settled down more without wondering if he is going to change the arranged plans, make the effort to send a letter to them etc.. He claimed that he'd changed - but I haven't seen it. He's threatened to take me to court to see the children, but I haven't got any letters in reference to it. The last time he said that he was taking me to court/CAFCASS (UK visitation centres), I just answered 'OK then', I have yet to hear from them, even though over the last few years he's said that two different solicitors have sent me letters (at least), I have never got the letters. Do I think the letters actually exist/were sent - highly unlikely.