How do you deal with being alone?

HOLLESE - posted on 09/22/2012

Hello Ladies... Iam am 20 Weeks pregnant and on total bedrest!!! Happy but Sad time. My ex and I spilt ways when I was 8 weeks he decided to leave. his reasons are couldnt deal with my pregnancy attitude. For such a long time I thought that i could never have children and I got pregnant I know that it was just a answer to my prayers. But I never thought that I would be alone. I try not to cry or be sad because this child is such a blessing and i am so very grateful but my God my heart hurts so much. i am happy one minute and crying the next. How do I change that. I thought by now i would be over it but i take his calls and make my ownself misreable. When he is living his life alone with no worries. It"s like a dream sometime and how he thinks just amazes me> i know that time heals all wounds but waiting is the hardest. In a minute this child willbed here and my concern is how do I allow you to be in this childs life when you walked away from us!!!!!

Julie - posted on 01/18/2010

I got involved in a church AND a women's Bible study that got me out of the house for a few hours FREE and around other moms.

TAKE WALKS DAILY! Its been proven that walking releases endorphines that are mood enhancers. We single moms need the perks, right?

Play gentle music that is uplifting.

Read good books that are positive and uplifting while baby naps -

Get a vision of how important every day is to that baby as your program Zack's mind on the love you have to offer him. They REALLY DO grow up fast lathought it doesn't seem like it now -

♥ learn to pray and ask God for help - He knows your situation better than anyone.... ♥

Teresa - posted on 01/13/2010

When the loneliness kicks in and the depression starts I try to focus all my attention on my son. That way the feelings go away as quick as they start. It is hard but, in some situations, such as mine, it is what is best for my son.

Shawn - posted on 01/13/2010

You don't need a man, You need a close knite family. If you have a family circle and friends so someone can babysit and friends to go out have a good time

Kerri - posted on 01/13/2010

Hi Katie. My sons father left me when I told him I was pregnant. I was 4 weeks when I told him. At 25 I didnt think I could ever raise a child on my own. I had no money, no drivers license and was living in a tiny flat. I had spent the last 6 years of my life partying and so I had no skills to gain a job. After Ethan was born it was a big blur. My mum picked me up from the hospital and dropped me at my place and said there you go. I felt totally lost and alone with no one to talk to. I have no idea how I got through but I look back now 11 years later and think Wow how good am I . Yes its been tough and we have gone without afew things along the way, and there has been many a night I have cried myself to sleep but it has been worth every second ogf it. Along the way on this journey I have discovered so many things about me and how strong I am as a woman. I now work full time, which has yet another set of problems!!, and live in a wonderful country town in Adelaide Australia. Life is full of ups and downs but remember watching your child grow up into his own person is an amazing experience that you wouldnt want to change for the world. all the best and stay strong.

Elyssa - posted on 01/13/2010

It is very hard being alone. But lately I just see my son Keith now 2 yrs old and I think he is the only boy i need and I know that he will take care of me as we go through the years. I would worry about a man right now just focus on you an your son. Your son will always be there but men will come and go.

Lillian - posted on 01/12/2010

It's not that you need a man in your life as you feel the need for someone to lean on when times get stressful. I've been a single parent for 4 years now. I have joined a local church I feel compfortable with which gives activities for both my children and myself with people our own ages. We are even starting up a singles group at ours. Just having friends and family who understand and are willing to listen help me alot. When I start to feel lonely again I just talk/hang out with my friends now.

Tracy - posted on 01/12/2010

Hi Katie, I've been a single mom since my daughter was born 12 years ago. If you have family nearby remember to ask them for help. They may be able to take the baby for a few hours so that you can go out with some friends or for you to have some quiet "mommy time". It will get better with time but I would suggest that right now you should focus on your beautiful baby and once he gets a little older you will find a man that will complete your family circle. Good luck

Vania - posted on 01/12/2010

Quoting Katie:

How do you deal with being alone?

I left my sons father when I was 3 months pregnant for various reasons, the main reason being that he had lied to me our entire relationship about being married. He was leading a double life that I had no idea about. Now that I am a single mom with a young child, Zack is 6 months now, I have no time to go out and meet people. I love my son with all my heart, but sometimes I feel like I need a man in my life. I just get really lonely, and feel so depressed about it sometimes and just wanted to know how some of you other ladies deal with being alone.

Well i reckon you should wait like my mother did with me, i never new my real father well cant call him dad but the guy which my mother was with for 3 years and didnt believe i was his baby...mum started dating when i was at around 1  she loved been single in her life beacuse she had her responsibilities...but she met guys i still remember them but just becareful with what why you bring in your sons life beacuse i was a very annoying daughter to mum when i was little i hated her dating guys  i didnt even know...after i turn 9 i met my step dad which he is australian i didnt like him much but seen my mum happy i guess i stopped the nonsense by pulling hair and hitting her ex's hahahaha but love comes and goes now mum and step dad are been married for 9 years and i love my new dad i dont get along with him but he makes my mother happy and that all that matters..and i have a little 10 year old sister aswell.

Vania - posted on 01/12/2010

I left my ex when i was 6 months pregnant and I am loving the faq that i don't have to put up with his crap or nonsense that he says to me i will help i will help but he never did the thing that cut me more was when he told me he didn't even know the baby was his, i was shocked O.O but i realized he didn't seem to be ready to help me with the child beacuse of all of the responsibilities and money but i have my parents support which helps me a lot. Been a single mum is much better than been with someone who is an ignorant fool who think about me sleeping with other guys while i am pregnant... Now i have my little man which is soon to be born and cant wait to show him the real life and make him proud that he has a mother like me. =D

Elizabeth - posted on 01/11/2010

Find a nice woman to babysit and get back out there! Make friends and be careful, don't be too trusting and be loyal to yourself first!!!

Kate - posted on 01/11/2010

Hi there. I'm a mum of three and have been separated 4 years this year. the lonliness is a killer without a doubt but I think it's intensified, because you get such huge feeliness of desperation and hopelessness and most of that, maybe due to what you have gone through. i would say give yourself and your little one loads of TLC, surround yourself with family and friends (only positive ones!) and take time out to meet up with people. This is my fourth year. I met someone last year who was a walking disaster (he never got introduced to children!). You need time to recover. i found I needed to reset my radar and try to see why I was repeating the same mistakes and heading for carcrashes of men. I did this through counselling. You can meet a guy anytime. It will get easier. Leave this time, and it will be hard, to lick your wounds and enjoy this unrepeatable time with your little one. Best of luck :)
P.S. I have achieved beyond what I ever could imagine I could on my own!

Jeneen - posted on 01/11/2010

My 10 year relationship has recently come to an end. The only diference is there's a 7-month that he left to start something new with someone else. The best way I get through is to focus on my little angel. It's hard to channel your thoughts on something else, especially when you look at the gift he helped produce. Know that you have the best prize ever....little Zack! Each day is tough, but know that "What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger." He's not moping around and you shouldn't either. Trust me I know its easier said than done, but you've got to focus your energy on Zack and live your life for the two of you. Keep your head up!

Sara - posted on 01/11/2010

I have been married twice. Both times I got married because I was pregnant. Both men lied to me constantly and cheated on me. The first physically abused me. The second was an alcoholic and a closet cocaine addict. I was scared to be alone with 3 kids because my youngest 2 have special needs but then I realized that my kids are worth more to me than any man who steals money and runs around with other chicks. Sweetheart, you do not need an earthly man to fullfill your needs. You need a Heavenly Father who will love you - and your son - unconditionally forever. If you trust in Him, one day, probably when you least expect it, a man will come into you and your son's life and he will treat you like the princess you are and will teach your son how to play baseball and how to shave. It might not be now or even in the next 10 years. But, just keep looking at that beautiful son you have and remember that he is worth waiting for a knight in shining armor. Don't you dare settle for anything less. PS I say this myself everyday! Most days it works...

Lissete - posted on 01/10/2010

I would take the time to make sure your healed from the trauma of such a horrible ordeal before jumping back into the dating arena. the feelings of needing companionship is entirely normal . we as humans desire companionship but just be sure that when the time is right , never let someone your dating ever make you feel you should put your child's needs last .

i was a recluse after i left my ex , with a 2 year old and working full time + overtime , i can understand the feeling of loneliness. It is amazing how you can meet people anywhere , i met my fiancee through high school friends and he has always been respectful of my daughter .

i wish you best of luck your prince charming is out there !

Jeanne - posted on 01/10/2010

I know what it feels to be alone and am glad that I am not the only one out there. I don't "need" a man as people are replying. I do also miss and want the companionship of a man/adult. I love my son (single mom of a two year old) with all my heart but everyone needs someone to talk to on a different level. I wish I had answers but am very lonely as well. And I am terrifed that I don't know how to go out and meet anyone (if I ever had the time). My son is my life although everyone needs other things. Good luck.

PAULINE - posted on 01/10/2010

hi katie.pauline here.am single and it happened similar to your story.Its so painful but you have to be brave and face reality.being a single mum doesnt mean u are old.be brave,gain courage and go out there.there is a man of ur dreams waiting for you.Hey stop wasting time

Josie - posted on 01/10/2010

join a daygroup or something similar.. u will meet friends.. I know how u feel about not having someone to share your day with etc... come home to.. but life changes all the time .. my advice would be to trust that u will get through this , enjoy the time u have with your son.. dont leave yourself vulnerable , a lot of men out there sense this and abuse your trust ... loneliness and depression are hard times to go through , but u will be ok xooxox

Vanessa - posted on 01/10/2010

I can sympathise. My daughter is 8months old, and her 'father' is a friend who I got drunk with one night.. He's never wanted children and my pregnancy didn't change that, which was fine with me, though it's sad losing him as a friend, and realising that soon we'll have to say our 'final goodbyes' because if he can't just be in my life without being in Matilda's once she's old enough to realise about daddies and mummy's friends etc. But anyway... I'm sorry for the trauma you must have gone through. I'm glad you are starting to get over it and wanting to meet someone else. I agree with Renae's 'you can't find love, love finds you'. But I also think that maybe it sounds like you should try to get out a bit more. Find family, or friends or a good babysitter and catch up with friends a bit more, be 'Katie' for a couple of hours not just 'mum'. It's a hard balance, because you need to get out, but your son needs you too... Finding the right amount of each can be tricky, but don't feel guilty for staying home, or for going out sometimes. I'm now starting to wish there was a guy to share all the awesome things Matilda's doing. Originally I wanted to be single for a few years after her birth, but now I'm sad at all the things my future husband is missing! However I'm not ready to mention to that to anyone, guess maybe I feel a bit of guilt that they might think Matilda's not enough for me - which is daft, you can be a mum and a person too. Also know that the first guy I'm attracted to isn't necessarily going to be the right guy - which is fine, but I'm not really ready to go through the 'finding' (aka hit and miss!) process.. One thing her 'father' said when I first told him I was pregnant was that I'd find it hard to find a guy if I had a baby. But I disagree - it'll be hard for us to find just any guy - lots won't want to be with a woman with a child, but they are they guys that it wouldn't last with anyway, so it's good to have this instant weeding out the rubbish from the worthwhile tool - the baby! And the right guy won't care that we have babies - in fact he'll love them.

I guess it's the same as before - where did you meet guys before you were pregnant? Probably through, or at least when you were with your friends. So hanging out with friends and just enjoying their company will be good.

I live in New Zealand and we have 'Plunket groups' - Plunket nurses meet with new mothers off and on for the first year or so, and they also provide opportunities for the mothers to meet up. I'm sure there must be coffee groups or something like that where you are? They'd be good to meet up with and share some of the stuff you'd share with a guy. Or family. The main way I deal with being a single mum is to share with others. I'm lucky as two of my workmates have young children, and one is also a solo mum. And I call my mum most days and tell her what Matilda's been doing - sometimes I call her as she's doing it, if it's a new noise - or if it's ten o'clock at night and the monkey's still not asleep! Not the same as a guy, but it fills some of the gaps.

And also don't expect a guy to just appear, and if he does don't expect him to be worth staying with. I've been single for four years, and before I found out I was pregnant I used to get pretty depressed about being single and just wish so hard that I wasn't. So it's normal, just more complicated because you have a son. And I can almost guarantee that you won't find a decent guy until you get past the point of feeling you need one - but you do need to go through the 'desperation' stage first.

I'll stop babbling, but use friends and family to fill some of the things a guy would - someone to share exciting and frustrating moments about Zack, as well as someone to go to the movies with etc. And be aware of your depression and see a doctor if it gets serious - that's the last thing you and Zack need.

Good luck and take care - and be proud of all you've done and are doing.

x

Keesha - posted on 01/10/2010

i hear you katie,of course you don't just need a man but yes you do want one..i'm a single mother of three and yes it is nice to come home to someone, all i could say is pray because thats what i do because God doesn't want us to be alone that right person will come keep faith. I do meet men online sometimes and go out on dates but of course my kids are older but when they where younger i was to tired to meet anybody and really didn't think much about it. you really should give it a try to meet guys online it saves time if you can chat with them and know if its worth it or not, something may come of that....good luck!

Julie - posted on 01/09/2010

my ex left me when i was 5 months pregnant, it was really hard in the beginning now my little man is 8 yrs old. we have so much fun together we share the good times and the bad times. As for a man who needs them as long as you have good friends and family.

Pamela - posted on 01/09/2010

I am recently divorced and being single is new to me as well. I have committed to keeping God first in my life. That is the only way I can deal with being single and alone. It is not an easy thing to deal with, but I constantly stay in prayer about it. When I am feeling lonely, I try to focus on the fact that God is there and He is my mate until HE brings someone else along. Trust me I know that is easier said than done, but I am living proof that it is possible. Phil. 4:13 tells me all things are possible with God.

Christina - posted on 01/09/2010

That is a tough question! I give all my love to my son, and remind myself to be strong; I am mom and dad for him. The sexual tension has been the worst part; I'm about to look into trying Kundalini Yoga to try channeling some of it...

Colleen - posted on 01/09/2010

i am a sinlge mum to a 9 month old and have been single since i was 3 months pregnant... a month ago i tried giving it another go with sophias dad but found that he got very jealous of the attention i was giving our baby and i also felt guilty for not having 100 percent of my attention on her. for me it is easier to juist be the two of us for now and just see how everything goes. i also feel lonely somtimes and gert depressed about it i spends everyweekend at home but thats the sacrifice i made wen having a baby and is so worth it.

Rach - posted on 01/09/2010

i know that feeling. it hit me the worst when i was in our local hospitas er when my daughter had the swine flu and a fever over 104. i ssat there in tears as well bc i always have to do this all alone. and i should have another person to depend on. (it didnt really help i had just gotten out of, lets say, my first post-birth-father realationship weeks earlier) it makes me feel like were not enough for someone. like no one could love us enough to want to be a family with us. i still work and go to school and focus on the stuff to make our lives better, but man, it really sucks sometimes not having someone special like that in your life. dont feel like your the only one out there!

Christina - posted on 01/08/2010

I know how you feel, I have three kids and well dating and or seeing friends is not on my list of things to do any more. its hard to find time to hang out or even meet people who want to hang out. My kids an i end up doing alot of thing alone, going hiking, the beach, riding the max and walking down town portland to the book stores. How ever, its at night I mostly feel alone when they are in bed and i asume thats when you feel it most too. its hard. sorry your going through this.

Danielle - posted on 01/08/2010

katie i know exactly how you feel, im a single mum of a 5 month old and i find it really tough not having a partner to share the good times and milestones with......dont know what i would have done without my family to help.....just remember that you have got the best part out of this....your son, i have always believed if you learn to lo ve yourself and accept who u are and the situations u find urself in then love will follow when you least expect it. in the mean time GO join a playgroup or mothers group for female company and morale support, it will work wonders and your son can meet new friends!

Andrea - posted on 01/08/2010

well you know i have 2 and although mine are not that young anymore i rather like being alone, well not having a man around, now dont get me wrong i do have my male FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS... lol but not having a man around all the time give me more time with the kids to do thing with .and with a man there is going to be jealousy over you and your time, attention, there is going to be argueing, just a whole bunch of negative stuff. so like i said being alone well your not alone cuz you have kids around... but not have a man around all the time is great.

Janell - posted on 01/07/2010

I am in your situation right now as well.. I love my baby girl but every woman has had or is having a time in their lives when you just want to be held or kissed or anything like that. But you know the dad is odviously not worth it and your son is #1. I always feel like i need to just get away and do something but than if Im not here with her than who will be since her father isint around? Its ok to get out every once in awhile if you dont im sure you will go crazy!! Just stay strong and know that ur never alone you have ur son now to hold and play with now!! Good Luck =)

Katie - posted on 01/07/2010

Thank you ladies for all your input. It helps to hear from others who have experienced the same thing, or who are experiencing it right now. I am new to this site, and this was my first post... and interestingly enough just to be able to vent to people who know exactly what I am going through is comforting and has tremendously lightened my mood. Thanks =)

Amanda - posted on 01/07/2010

I have to agree!!

Amber - posted on 01/07/2010

Nicely said Lakeshia!

Lakeshia - posted on 01/07/2010

Simply put, the only person that is there with you now, is the only person that will be there for you in the end.

Amber - posted on 01/07/2010

Being a single parent can be very lonely. I am lucky in that my son's father takes him three nights a week, so I went back to school. I've only been in one relationship in my son's four years, and it just recently ended. Although it wasn't all it was cracked up to be, I felt so lost when we broke up. Your son is number once, but you can't forget about you either. Get a sitter, if possible, and go catch a movie with a friend. Occupy yourself and your son and the time will just fly.

Phi - posted on 01/07/2010

get a roomate you dont need a man and it will take you about hmmm 20 months to get used to it :) and go to gymboree and mothers day out to find freind that have kids the same age! this helps when you have a hard day cuz they will gladly listen to it.

Amanda - posted on 01/07/2010

I left my girls' dad when I was 3 months pregnant with Mady (now 2 and a half years old). Since then I have dated a couple of guys but none of them really seem to understand what all being a single mom requires. Honestly though I am happier being alone than I am involved with a guy that turns out to be worthless. Don't get me wrong, it does get lonely and if it wasn't for the support of my family and friends I probably wouldn't be able to get through this like i have been.

Holly - posted on 01/07/2010

Katie, I know how you feel. My daughters father & I were high school sweethearts, we dated for 5 yrs before we got married & were married 6 1/2 yrs when he left. We have been seperated for almost 2 yrs now & he has moved on & has a new girlfriend & I sit & wonder what is wrong with me that I can't find that "someone". I have my mom who has been a great help to me & my daughter. I have a few friends but they are married & have families of their own. So when I do get together with them I feel like I'm taking time away from their families or like I'm a 3rd wheel. It's just nice to have that "someone" to come home & talk to. And I do focus on my daughter & try to give her everything possible & put the "man" thing aside. It's worse when she is at her dads for the weekend, Cause then I have free time & my mind races. I prob wasn't much help but I understand how you feel. Hope things get better for you.

Pamela - posted on 01/07/2010

I am a single mom of a recent one year old and I completely understand the loneliness and wanting to be able to share some of the responsibilities with someone because even moms get worn out sometimes, but just remember if you are the one taking care of him now, you get to take the credit for how amazing he turns out! I wasn't ready to bring a guy into my daughter's life so I put dating on hold, but I did get "penpal" (kind of an outdated title, but it fits!). Someone I could write to after a long day and talk about the minor to major troubles and triumphs I faced. And it also helped me put my life in perspective because even though it feels like the whole world is wrapped up in us and our child, it really isn't and other people have different situations that we tend to forget about; I guess it provided a healthy distraction when I needed a break... just food for thought! Good luck!

Katrina - posted on 01/07/2010

My Husband walked out on me 6yrs ago. My son was 11 and my daughter was 3 I found that the first 12mths were the hardest, now i am happier than i have ever been. I don't have to answer to anyone and whatever is in my home is mine. My kids have been my rock whenever i felt down i would always look to my kids for happiness.

Lianne - posted on 01/07/2010

hi katie, i no how u feel and it does get better :)
my baby father left me when i was 2months pregnant and its hard 2 b alone,
where r u frm ?
try and find some playgroups in ur area 2 take ur son 2 the first few times u go u mite b shy and imbarassed i no i was but now i enjoy and so does my daughter.

u have 2 find lots of things 2 keep u occupied well that wot i do! even ifs sorting out ur clothes, reading a magazine when baby sleeps, paint ur nails just little things, as ur baby gets older u will b able 2 do so much wiv him u want hav time 2 b bored lol.

the only time i find it hard now is when my daughter goes 2 bed and im sitting on my own :(
but i find something 2 do my house is spotless lol.

msge me if u wana talk more.

Debbie - posted on 01/07/2010

When I was separated I didnt have a lot of friends or family that lived nearby to support me through this, but thankfully I had a couple of friends and as I found my own identity again and grew from strength to strength, that old friends started to emerge, friends I hadnt seen for years and before I knew it I had a really good support network, it does take time, you'll find that you will make new friends too, you've just got to give it sometime and a good support network is what you need at the moment not necessarily a man, he will come later when you are in better place to except a man in yours and your sons life. I was alone for 2.5yrs before a man came into my life, we have only been together for 3months and are taking things very slowly, we decided it would be best for us to get to know each other first before bringing our children into the picture (yes he has children too). Things change when children are involved its not about me anymore, its about what is best for my children and unfortunately no-one knows their future. The key is to learn from your failed relationship (the child/rens father) and not repeat it in future relationships.

Emily - posted on 01/07/2010

i am a single mum with an 11 yr old. i have been on my own since my daughter was 9mths old. i haven't had time to get into a relationship and now i am so set in my ways that i don't think i could ever change. i can't even remember how to meet guys. i have just put up with it for so long.

Colleen - posted on 01/06/2010

I was in the same situation and you are not alone you have a son and enjoy every moment of his life all the rest wil come into play.

Courtney - posted on 01/06/2010

There is a big difference between wanting and needing... what i mean is, do you want to be in another relationship or just want the sex? sorry to be so forward, but you need to ask yourself this. You are still new at being a mom, and it takes time to get used to it. Your son needs to come first and unfortunately, dating usually gets tossed aside. Don't worry about the father. Think about it as a blessing, and you get the best part! YOUR SON! Dating will come later and it will happen when you least expect it to. You don't want to rush into something that is going to end up hurting your son and yourself. NO GUY is worth that! Get yourself a good support system of friends and family that can help you out when you need it. (This comes in handy when you REALLY need that girls night!)

Just remember, your son comes first! and take this time to get to know him and love him as much as you can. That is what really matters in the end.

Katie - posted on 01/06/2010

I know I dont *need* a man. I was just saying that i get upset sometimes because I dont have anyone to come home and share my rough day with, or to be my shoulder to cry on. I dont have many girl friends either, so its hard being confined to my own thoughts with no one to share and have a conversation with.

Renae - posted on 01/06/2010

You never "need" a man in your life when you have a child to think about, that child needs you to be your best so you can look after him. Forget the father of the child he will cause you nothing but grief, if your son decides, when hes old enough one day to meet his father, well, these things just happen. I am a single mum, i never needed a man, my son is my only concern, but you know, every now and again, let a family member or friend take care of him and have some time off to hang with friends or meet up with people. I know its hard cause i've been though it, but you need to be strong for your little boy, who has no one to rely on but you.You can't find love, love finds you, so be patient, focus on your son and keep loving him as much as you do.