How do you deal with the father of your child when all he does is fight with you and say mean things

Jessica - posted on 04/28/2010 ( 48 moms have responded )

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My childs father is always a dick to everyone. Me especially. He never has anything nice to say unless he wants to get into my pants. Im tired of him being so mean but i have to keep contact bc the court said i had too. Im so tired of all of it bc he is the meanest person ive ever met. How do you handle men like that?

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Londa - posted on 04/29/2010

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Jessica, once you figure out how good of a woman you are and that you do not deserve "this", you'll eventually get tired and flee the situation. The reason that he is treating you like this is because you are allowing it. The longer you stay in this situation, the longer it will take for you to heal. When he says mean things to you, he is only destroying for self-confidence and will lead to a low self-esteem. By the way, just because he's the father of your child(ren), does not "confine" you to him...you deserve better.

Carmen - posted on 05/15/2010

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My kids are three and five and i have done this with both of their dads. I let them play their games on me for a long time and they usually got whatever it was they were manipulating me into doing because i didnt stand up. I have learned that the only reason i need contact with either of them is about our kids, other than that i dont talk to them. they know where i am and how to reach me but I dont talk to them unless its absolutely necassary. You have to learn to be nice but not too nice and keep the balance, it took me a long time to realize that.

Sara - posted on 05/08/2010

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My son's father is a jerk when he doesn't get what he wants as well and then has a way of turning it around on me. We have had some pretty ugly fights in the past but at this point I only allow him to talk to me about our son and I leave it at that. We tried the friends thing but it always ended up with him wanting to get back together. After he said he doesn't want our son to turn out like my older one that was it. You just have to allow conversation ONLY about your child and everything else gets ignored. Also, don't let him see that he upsets you because people like that get a sick satisfaction out of it. Be strong!!!

Jennifer - posted on 05/14/2010

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Did you go thru mediation? If not then do it say something to the courts. You DON'T have to put up with his behavior. I filled three restraining orders on my daughters father because he treated me so bad and did the same thing. I think Candice is right too don't respond his bad behavior.

Sarah - posted on 05/13/2010

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First of all if you are (I am confused by the 'get into your pants reference' whether he IS getting into your pants or just wants to be) STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM! I am sure the courts did not say you had to do that, lol and if he is your ex and if you are still having sex with him you are consciously letting him use you so STOP DOING IT.

Start limiting all contact but what is absolutely needed in relation to your child. If your child is old enough, say goodbye at the front door and tell your ex to wait in the car to see him or her, if he gets visitation. If your child is too young for that strap on a pair of headphones to walk him or her out and ignore every word that pops out of the SOBs mouth.

Tell him that you will no longer be taking his abusive ways and tell him you are going to write down every mean thing he says and take it to your lawyer/caseworker/etc.

If he says something unusually mean or cruel towards you like calling you names, threatening you with violence or etc., tell him that is unacceptable and he needs to do what he is there for (visit his child) or you are going to call someone and report him for his verbal and emotional abuse.

Also, if possible always have a family member or friend with you when he comes to see his child, he is far less likely to pull something with a third person around and if he does you have a witness to his behavior.

Good luck and stay strong!!!

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Cristal Marie - posted on 02/19/2014

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Honestly, I'm trying to figure out the same thing. I continuously try to be cordial and civil as possible but he's a verbally and pshyically abusive guy. We haven't been together now for 2 yrs and the first 1.5 he didn't take his kids. I was practically throwing them at him. He started the last week of August 2013 and things go up and down and now he won't pay his child support. I'm tired of the drama just as much as you and try and try and try and now we will begin the divorce process through mediation so I'm hoping I get some tools in the communication department. But, I've come to realize that no matter how hard we try they are who they are and that won't change anything. No matter how many tools we learn.

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I have been divorced for 13 years and only talk to my daughter's father when it pertains to her. We never agreed on many things even when we were married. It has only been the last few years that we can be civil. I let him know that I am my own person, am important in the life of my daughter & am no longer afraid of him. I was physically and emotionally abused, when she was younger. My life is so much better now, my daughter lives full time with me. No more shared custody, it takes a long time to work through. It is not worth it to get upset, my father always said to consider the source. The karma for all the bad things he has done is coming full circle. Just continue being the good mom you are and be there for your daughter. :) Susan

Telika - posted on 05/15/2010

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simple handle him back,me and my kids dad has been together for 15 yrs,off and oni was 14 and he was 17,now we're 31 and 33 respectfully,when i had our son@ 16 i let him control me,ex: if he said go in the house,like an ass i did,lol seriously,i let him talk down to me until one day i realized i'm losing me,bc it was and still is not in my nature to let anyone talk down to me,want to break the habit:
1.call him the names he calls you back
2.ask him "what was i when you was laying down w/ me"
when you go toe to toe and mean what you say then you'll get that act right,lol
now to the sleeping part,if ya'll not together why are you sleeping w/ him? all you are doing is adding fuel to the fire,he's gonna keep talking to you like that bc he knows he got you,point blank andyou enjoy it (in his mind)
you gotta learn to seperate the fantasy fromthe reality bc if you are sleeping w/him,then:
1.you wasting the court time,bc i know you not telling the judge you still sleeping w/him
2.you're wasting your time you could be doing something other than concentrating on him
3.your wasting your kid time bc you using him this love game ya'll playing
4.you wasting the people like your family and friends time making unneccessary drama and enemies
the advice i'm giving is from experince bc only a person who experinced it could tell it like this
good luck w/everything i hope you realize your worth and let the dogs have him

Bridget - posted on 05/14/2010

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i know exactly what that is like but my situation is worse because we used to be friends and all of a sudden he met some new people and lately he has been abusive and i have done nothing except defend myself. i feel alone alot of the time please if anyone has any advice that i can have to help deal with such a person. i have always been a reasonable person but he is not reasonable at all
thankyou if you have any help i can get

Jessica - posted on 05/13/2010

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I would just not see him or talk to him unless it has to do with your child and then make it very unemotional, based on facts, conversation... like if he starts talking to you about anything besides your son, just say, "that's nice, thanks for telling me. I think I packed enough diapers for our child. Please make sure you change our child." OR "that's nice thanks for telling me. Please make sure our child gets a nap at one everyday." just change the subject and make it only about the child and if he continues on his course, say, "i don't want to talk to you about anything unless it has to do with your visits with our child, if you continue to talk about this, I am going to hang up on you." and if he continues, do just that. OR you could have a neutral party drop off and pick up your child for you so you don't have to talk to him or see him at all. You could include a list of instructions and make sure that the pick up person passes it along and any messages he may have for you regarding your child.

It is hard... I have been there. it took me a long time to realize that it wasn't about me, it was about them having control over your feelings. You just can't let that happen otherwise, he will never stop.

DAWN - posted on 05/13/2010

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ANGIE, SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR CHILD. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU IF YOU EVER NEED TO TALK. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

Pelga - posted on 05/13/2010

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First of all yo child's father is using you and he has no respect for you at all. Court says you keep in touch with him but you decide on the sex. What good is man that is mean to you and only see's you like a sex object. Raise above this cut the r/ship between you and this man and only work on the r/ship between him and his child.

Allyson - posted on 05/13/2010

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Whatever u do, DONT sleep with him, as tempting as it may be! Keeping that emotional attachment is only going to promote him being a jerk, as there will always be jealousy and possessiveness, and may be part of the reason why he's being so mean-he's still bitter about the breakup! Remember.....he's ur ex for a reason, sleeping with him just complicates things! Good luck!

Darcy - posted on 05/12/2010

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Don't stoop to his level. If he believes he has the upper hand, he will. If the court says you have a deal with him, then make it on your terms.... What he says to you can't hurt unless you allow it to. Let him be a dick...he'll get his in the end!

Kim - posted on 05/11/2010

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The court might have said you have to keep contact but they didnt sy you had to have conversations with him. Its your choice and if you feel liek his verbally abusing you then cut off all contact and report his abuse.

Kathy - posted on 05/10/2010

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limit communication with him - you can change your email address, and don't answer his phone calls. don't badmouth him in front of your child. during the drop off/ pick up transitions - try to do it at your child's day care or have a family member do it for you - so you limit your face-to-face contact with him.

Angie - posted on 05/10/2010

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My ex caused the death of my youngest child 3 months ago. How will I deal with him? If not for having my other daughter I'd take notes form the show 'Snapped"
Just be the bigger dick and thank God you still have your child!
Good Luck!

Mitzi - posted on 05/10/2010

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If you have a court order in place and have a lawyer have it in the court order that any communication is to be done between the lawyer. That way you have NO contact with him and it makes a lot easier!! Also you can record all communication in person but not over the phone. I would do that as I have done that with my son's father who is a narcistic(how ever it is spelled) person! I wish you lots of luck! I would also stop sleeping with him!

Karen - posted on 05/10/2010

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I REALISE HOW LUCKY I AM, I HAVE 2 CHILDREN AGED 18 AND 17, THEIR FATHER AND I DIVORCED ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO, BUT WE ARE BOTH ADULT ENOUGH TO REALISE WE CREATED THESE TWO CHILDREN, THE LEAST WE CAN DO FOR OUR CHILDREN IS PUT WHATS BEST FOR THEM FIRST, WE PUT ASIDE EVERYTHING FOR THE SAKE OF OUR CHILDREN. THEY KNOW THEY HAVE THEIR MUM AND DAD 24/7. THERE ARE SOMETIMES WE DONT AGREE, BUT OUR CHILDREN NEVER KNOW THIS. OUR CHILDREN ARE VERY HAPPY AND STABLE AND ARE VERY SECURE IN BOTH OF US. CHILDREN ARE NOT WEAPONS, THEY SUFFER AT THE END OF THE DAY....... TALKING FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.

Ashley - posted on 05/08/2010

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keep a record of what he's doing and saying.. You could get him for verbal harassment. Don't let him walk all over you.

Whitney - posted on 05/07/2010

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I read what Candice Clark just said to you . Im soo sorry for what you are going through with your kids father . As Candice said to you ... dont respond to any of his
"garbage " . you'll only push it to keep being a jerk . Is HE the child ( and NOT actually an adult " ? or is your child the actual child ? ) Just have positive things to say about your kid to your kids father . Thats it !! Leave it at those words and thoughts only when talking to your kids father in person or on the phone . Im so glad I dont have to deal with my ex b/f ( the bio -father of my son ). All he ever wanted from me was to get in my pants, not an actual relationship . he was a VERY BIG DICK " !! LOL !! You're NOT ALONE with DICKS out there . If you are with this "DICK" of a guy ... why are you ?? He isnt worth being with . Some other guy/person will love you and your kid much better than your kids father ever will . you can find and be with someone who wont be such a "DICK" to everyone out there in the world . Im soooo much happier now that Im NOT with my ex b/f . He doesnt get to see my son at all - he was a dick to me and a few other DCFS reasons. Good Luck to you !!!

Single mom here

Brittany - posted on 05/07/2010

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Mine is the same way. I am only hoping that with time i can say no all the time and i feel like that time is now. He doesn't want to see the kids. Just me. Thats disgusting if u think about it. I stay away from conversations that are heated and emotional if possible. But guys like these are really manipulative. I don't think we will ever 'win'.

DAWN - posted on 05/07/2010

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FIRST BE STRONG, STAND YOUR GROUND AND DON'T SHOW HIM HE GETS TO YOU. IF NEED BE ASK THE COURTS OR A FAMILY MEMBER TO BE APART OF ALL CONTACT YOU MUST HAVE WITH HIM AND PUT ALL YOUR REQUESTS IN WRITING AND MOST COMMUNICATIONS TOO. MY HUSBAND PUT EVERYTHING IN WRITING WITH HIS EX-WFE SO THEY HAD LITTLE VERBAL COMMUNICATION AND HE ALSO HAD PROOF OF THEIR COMMUNICATION. DON'T LET HIM CONTROL YOU. YOUR A MOTHER AND YOU CAN DO IT.

Belinda - posted on 05/06/2010

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I was married to the father of my three girls one now 20,15.8 we where very happy untill about 8 years ago when we met people i cant even say their names last year in sept we went out and the woman started an affair with my ex i found out about it and i divorced him in november'2009 after being together for 24 years he hasn't paid me maintenance for two months now and ows me over 10000 but he has got the nerve to still want the little one every second weekend sat 10-5 and sun 12-5 i have tried to make it work again but he throws everyting back in my face and just contacts me when he wants help on money i have stopped speaking to him completely but he now phoned on the childrens phones to speak to the little one she has always been my child and was always protecting me from him in 2007 when i put her in grade 1 after a week the school called me in to say that she is not school ready i had to take her to a child docter she then told me that the child is not school ready because she is protecting me every second saturday when he fetches her he lies to me about where he is taking her or who they will be with he now stays with friends the first people he staid with asked him to leave he has since the divorce been with this woman while she is still married and he is 39 and now has a girlfriend of 24 with with 2 or 3 children from different guys she has given a good friend up for rape on her little girl he has been in many fights and has cut his hand with a glass in front of the first womans house being drunk of course and cannot use his fingers on this hand can somebody please give me advise my child does not want to go to him last week and saturday he went to his sister with this young girl and my child when they came back after lying to me saying it will only be my child and him she said to me that this womans child is hurting her and she is to scared to tell her dad she is scared that he would hit her if this goes on mutch longer i am even thinking of moving far away.

Lydia - posted on 05/06/2010

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yeah just do what is right for your kid. I never get any support from my kids dd. can force it. ):

Molly - posted on 05/05/2010

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You have a right to say "If you can't talk to me like a respectful adult then I am ending this conversation" and end it. After awhile he will get the point. If it gets worse you can always tell him due his disrespect you are only willing to communicate through a third party.

Taylor - posted on 05/05/2010

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I'm sorry your ex is being a dick. I think this is pretty common in breakups and because there are kids involved we have to stay in contact with the dickheads, which sucks. The first year after I split with my daughter's dad was terrible. We fought screamed and had plenty of insults for each other. Then I realized that anything I said didn't change how he treated me. No amount of common sense was going to get him to change. And that made it easier for me to just hang up when he started being rude. I stopped responding to his nasty text messages and when I wasn't interacting with him on his level he eventually stopped talking like that to me.
We are still not friends, and I don't think we ever will be, but if you keep it professional and walk away when he gets mean, then you'll be happier and it won't bother you so much. Good luck! It gets easier I promise you!

Gina - posted on 05/05/2010

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Treat it like a business deal......if you were at a store and the clerk was a dick, you'd think "wow, what a dick", but you wouldn't necessarily take it personally. His reactions are all about him, and the way he feels about himself. Try to keep that in mind, and most importantly, set a good example and be all you can be for your child. They are watching every move each parent makes!

Nicola - posted on 05/05/2010

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I have read most of the advice offered and what I got out of it was.. Not to let someone take your self esteem, power, self control and nerve away. It's sounds easier said than done, but so spot on. I also think time helps to release from any emotional strings attached. I had to laugh at Tarnz Galvins idea.. Loved it ! Sometimes I think it's better to take the light hearted and humorous approach.
Take care xx

Courtney - posted on 05/04/2010

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Just keep things strictly about the baby only. Tell him that you are only speaking to him about yalls child and that yall dont need any other contact with him. You may have to keep in touch with him, but you do not have to be with him. Also, explain to him that he is a dick and that you are not going to deal with it!!!

Nkele - posted on 05/04/2010

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U need to make it clear to him that the only connection u have with him is ur bundle of joy. If he make contact it has to be about ur baby Not You. I m in a similar situation as yours but I had to set the record straight....

[deleted account]

YES...DARCY SAID IT RIGHT AVOID "THREATENING" I THREATENED MY SONS FATHER AFTER HE SAID FUCK MY SON..AND HE SHOWED IT TO THE POLICE AND HAD ME ARRESTED SMH ..!

Darcy - posted on 05/03/2010

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Record conversations, document everything said and done, make sure you bite your tongue and avoid threatening or causing problems yourself, hire a good attorney. If you have legal custody and you two have legal visitation orders in place then they should include a section that says you have to be amiable toward each other during visitation exchanges or when talking to discuss the child. If your orders do not have that kind of statement I would ask for it to be ammended. If he violates these orders then you have grounds to withhold visitation until a court date can be set to hold him in contempt of court order. Other than to discuss the child you should not have any need to contact or answer calls from this person. If you do then there's nothing you can do but continue putting up with the behavior.

Aneisha - posted on 05/03/2010

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Ignore everything he says. The typical "baby father" is often rude and nice when he wants some nookie! Just keep in mind the good person and mother you are and totally ignore him!

Shaliyla - posted on 05/02/2010

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IGNORE AND WALK AWAY men like that always go for the kill to hurt you or make you feel less. You know who you are keep the business between you, him and the child separate from you your life and your child do not blend them together because you do not have to deal with him

Lorrie - posted on 05/02/2010

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Stop sleeping with him and be cordial at all times. You can't change him but you can change how you respond to him.

Kyla - posted on 05/02/2010

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Kill him with kindness... It hits them right in the gut, well at least for some. No matter what he says or does to you, you just take a deep breathe and pretend it was a good thing, give him a compliment back, and just ignore everything else. I know how hard this is, trust me, i am not the one to let someone talk to me that way, but when i learned to breathe and control the arguing, i just shot him with compliments & he realized how much of an asshole he was. it worked, give it a try if you like, espeacially bc you have to deal with his ignorant a**... =)

Jessica - posted on 05/01/2010

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My ex tried to say nasty things about me in court which were totally untrue, so when we had to meet up for visitations, I always brought someone with me, who had a video camera or tape recorder going. If he gets nasty with you, you will have it on tape, and can present it to the court. They will make him straighten up, and if he doesn't, tell them that he is a detrement to your child and that you don't want him around your kid! It works!

Heidi - posted on 05/01/2010

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I have same issue..he wants a reaction. dont give it to him..if u notice too..all his mean behavior is probably things he does himself. never show your child how a man is to disrespect a woman either..its why I left. brake that CHAIN!!!!!!

Sylvia - posted on 05/01/2010

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If he treats your child good, just be nice and limit your conversation with him. Only speak of that regarding your child. Try to agree with everything he said even if you don't just to shut him up and make him think he is right for argument sake. Do not let yourself get upset and emotional over him. I had someone like that before and I know they can be a headache, just talk and say what you feel inside and try not to let it slip.

Tasha - posted on 04/30/2010

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My soon-to-be ex husband and I only communicate via text. Things got so ugly at one point, that we made his parents the go between to avoid contact with eachother. Just deal with him when you have to and keep it straight business (relating to your child). At this point, he has no reason to even think he has a chance to "get into" your pants.

Lynda - posted on 04/30/2010

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I'm very familiar w/ this kind of behavior. First of all it's completely unacceptable for him to be a dick in front of the kids, it will have a very negative effect on them and we cant have that. When he starts trying to manipulate his way into your pants just tell him to give it up cause u can see right through him, unless of course he's good in the sack. If thats the case then I recommend using him and then kick him out when your done w/ him. He'll get the point ; ) Black Widow spiders eat the male after they mate u know. I'm a big fan.
I cant stand negative people that are always trying to bring everyone down w/ them. If you know ahead of time that he's coming to see the kids, you could always just make sure you have plans for that day and time....just dont be there when he shows up ; ) Even though we shouldnt have to stoop to their level, sometimes u gotta get a little dirty to get rid of the trash.
Hope this helps!!

Tracy - posted on 04/30/2010

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I have a 7 year old little boy.. For the first 2 years the father and I got along great. He met his now wife and all hell broke lose in our world. The only we are allowed to talk is via email or text.. She recently found out she is having a little boy. I am hoping this will make them chill out! Just take it one day at a time, it isn't easy that is for sure...

Kelly - posted on 04/30/2010

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hi jessica,
i can some what understand where your coming from, i have just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3yrs simply because i wasn't enjoying the relationship anymore, and believed me it took alot of strength to leave him but i finally did it, unfortunatly he turned bitter and nasty towards me and now of course im the biggest mole in the world, now that he has a new gf i have been just been put down into the ground with nasty comments, bullying and on top his mum seems to think that im a piece of crap and tried to take control of my son, i dont try and talk to me ex if i dont have to unles it got to do with callum even then he still says hurtfully things that really do upset me, he doesnt want a bar of his 18month old son and he treatens me with court orders and takin him away from me, however legal aid being on my side have told me that if anythign i will get sole custory so i mean i hope one day he will wake up to himself and look back an see how rude and hurtful his been.... on a lighter note i do agree with the girls on saying keep min contact with him, u deserve better and im sure ur a strong person, i do hopeit gets better for u =)

Tarnz - posted on 04/30/2010

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an idea???get your self a make over .."with the help from friends"when you have to meet him or how ever it goes??your looking great and walk with your head high and shoulders back...and a hugeeeeeeee smile....look through him like he was glass.....that will eat him alive...4221...smile and we all here will smile with you...an idea???goodluck

Deanna - posted on 04/29/2010

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I am in the same situation. I have found that you only talk to him and engage him when it directly relates to the child. Anything else, you do not have to speak to him. Always stay calm with him. Its hard not to let him get to you, but its true, if you do not engage him when he behaves that way, eventually they give up. Stay firm and do whats right for your child. I have to believe that these childish men will eventually grow up or at least move on. Good luck!

Meghan - posted on 04/28/2010

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I agree with Candice! My ex would (and still does sometimes) say the nastiest most horibble things you could think of. I fed into at first..he got me really worked up. I started to realize no matter how hard I tried to put on my happy face for my son, it was affecting him! It is easier said than done but unless it is something positive about your child don't even respond! I have stopped responding and things have gotten quite a bit better! Good luck and chin up!

Candice - posted on 04/28/2010

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you learn to not respond and to put on your happy face and only ONLY ever talk about the child. if you let him see that it gets to you, he will only get worse. but if you a) don't respond to anything unrelated to the child and b) act stupidly nice when talking about the child...he'll eventually give up. then you go yell at him while you're alone in the shower to get it out of your system. :)

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