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How do you deal with the stress of having to deal with a deadbeat dad?

Liz - posted on 04/16/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Well to give some background, basically dad left when we found out I was pregnant. After my daughter was born he waited til she was 6 months to take me for paternity. He got ordered to pay child support, which I never saw a dime of. Shortly after, he took off again. Was gone for 5yrs. Never heard from him at all. He then came back out of the blue w/court papers saying he wanted full custody. Didn't get it but he got therapeutic supervised visitation. Have done that for a year, now he wants outside visitation and joint custody. He never pays child support, continues to make bogus lies to the law guardian, judge and social workers (half of his lies don't even make sense) My daughter has been ok w/the supervised visits (which I'm assuming is because I'm waiting in the other room), but right when I told her she's going to be going to his house, she freaked. She told the LG, but they're still allowing him outside visitation anyway because they say she's not old enough to make that decision and that he's fulfilled his time in the supervised visits. Thats pretty much where we are at the moment.

Every time we go to court for visitation/custody I'm a nervous wreck. And now that outside visitation is starting, I'm even worse. I don't trust him at all and my mind has been racing with all the horrible things that could possibly happen once he gets to take her. They're only starting out w/a couple hours a week but it still scares the crap out of me on what could possibly happen when she's in his care.

And to add to it, he doesn't even know anything about her like where she goes to school or what grade she's in. The social worker at the visitation actually had to make him write a letter to me asking me all the information because he never bothered to ask nor cared about it. He never pays child support and acts like its just a big joke. And then every time we go to court, he shows up with some overly expensive electronic item (last time he was showing off his I-phone to his lawyer) yet he cant even pay the $60/week and then shows up to the visits driving a $20,000 car (which just kills me when I've been driving the same car for 9yrs now that is falling apart and is constantly in need of repairs) .

I just wanted to know for anyone who is dealing with the same situation, how do you deal with it all without losing your mind? I'm trying to work with him for the sake of my daughter, but when he continues to act like a child, it just gets too hard. And the constant lies have just gotten ridiculous that I can't believe one word he says. I just wish he would start acting like an adult and start taking responsibility for his actions.

Any advice?

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4 Comments

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Leanne - posted on 04/18/2010

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my situation is a bit like that, he wasnt around in pregnancy and he fpound out io had my son he got in contact , n wanted to see im but wanted a dna test. then 2 mnth [past n still no dna test. then 4 him to say that i can see he is my son . everythin was goin fine. until he let me dwn 3 times. ( he has alot of issues and debt) and then phned csa n he sed to them that kieran aint his. and im sick n twisted . and he cnt b a farther around me. dna test booked 4 26th. kieran is 8mnth on 22nd

Sicily - posted on 04/17/2010

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Well , my situation was different, but I tried to get an open relationship for my child sake but the father chose not to come around. My grandmother told me that I can't make him pay or see my son, but pray and let God handle the situation. I did just that my son is 16yrs old and great child ia have struggled financial but God alway made a way. I know it is stressful but turn it over to God and he will make everything okay. It's nothing you can do to make the father pay child support but don't every talk negative about in to your child let her/him make the choice the relationship they want with there dad. Don't let the father feel that you need him to survive, because as long as you call and beg for help that boost his ego, (she need me and can't handle thing without me). I drove a car for years that didn' t heat or air but once I stop begging for help I was blessed and know he is in jail for failure to pay child support. I 'm not bragging but I God made everything work in my favor. Just stand and don't stress over what he is doing or not doing.

Amanda - posted on 04/17/2010

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I agree with Alicia. I went through the exact same thing with my ex. The only way to deal with this situation is keep good company, vent when you get the chance, and keep yourself busy. Keeping documentation of everything is a great place to start, write down every detail like how you sent your child and how your child return, the mor eyou can get the better. Also try keeping a communication book between your ex and you, this way you some kind of idea what's going on. If you question some of the things that your ex put in there casually ask your child about it. Worse case senario you can take him back to court for full custody if you honestly fear for your child. Stay strong, keep focused and you will get through this.

Alicia - posted on 04/16/2010

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There is no way to deal with an ex like that but be the better parent & blow off alot of what he says. My ex comes & goes from our kids life. We were married & I had child support put into our divorce papers but he got away with not paying like he is suppose to cause he would wait until he was almost three months behind & he would send in a payment. I finally got the state to file contempt charges on him but it has been hell ever since. He acts like he is still 16 & this is a game. There really isn't a way to deal with the stress I vent to good friends, I keep my self busy when he has his visits & I spend as much time as I can with my kids when they are home. I also keep a journal that I vent in it's only for my eyes so I put everything in there that I want to say but can't. I also keep a seperate journal for my ex I put everything he does pertaining to the kids in there ex: when he is late for pick or drop off, when he calls & argues with me over the kids, When he misses thier sports. I write down the dates & times my attorney suggested I do this cause in Oklahoma it cn be used against him in court the more specific the better. Good Luck

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