How do you deal with your life when all you got to show for is a baby boy

Amie - posted on 07/09/2012 ( 20 moms have responded )

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My babys dad left me out of no where after I decided to quit my stylist job to raise my son. So then I lost my place and job and had to move back with my parents. I finally found a boyfriend who loves my son and cares for him and so does everyone else. Its nice and i feel lucky to have found such a guy that loves my son as his own but I feel left out and that he gives all his attention and love and care to my son. Its like I'm kicked the the curb by everyone and everything. All I do is stay home and take care of the house and my son. I dont have friends to hang with or talk to about all this so I am rather lonely. My boyfriend works a lot and late at night so he sleeps all day. When he is off we cant do much and he dont talk to me when I really need someone to talk to. There are people younger or the same age as me moving out with the help of someone and I dont understand why that can't be me. I'm gonna have to somehow get a good job and support my son and move out... My life is lonely and boring and feels like theres no meaning to my life but helping my son grow up as best as i can. I need help, I suffer from stress and loneliness and being jobless, feeling worthless.
Everyday I'm at home, wish I could go out and be happy but I'm not. My babys dad got the apartment I lost and lives with his girlfriend now which didnt make me happy at all. He doesn't deserve to be happy, he never hardly sees his son, he argues about taking him longer than 5 hours and requests only specific days. Everyone else life is just running the way they want it but mine. When will it end, when will I ever be happy with my life.

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Lauren - posted on 07/10/2012

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Whoa, ladies! Let's try to be supportive here, and not attack each other. It sounds to me like you're feeling really isolated. Human beings are social creatures - we are happy when we feel deeply and meaningfully connected to others. While it is wonderful to have a little boy to love and be loved by, a mother/son relationship isn't a substitute for adult relationships. You are probably having some trouble transitioning from a working woman in a social job to a stay-at-home-mom. You're probably also struggling to get over some emotions from your breakup with your son's father. When you are home alone all day, thoughts can get out of control and feed themselves, getting bigger and bigger until you feel totally overwhelmed by them. It's great that your boyfriend is supporting you both financially and that he's good to your son, but I understand feeling a bit neglected if he's not giving you what you need emotionally (see Renee Zellweger's character in Jerry Maguire!) and if you don't have an adequate network of other people to pick up the slack (family, friends, co-workers, etc.) There is nothing selfish about having emotional needs; if you try to ignore them or talk yourself out of them, you are doing a disservice to yourself and to your son. Often mothers feel the need to put themselves totally aside for "the good of their children" - that's bunk. You have to know how to take care of yourself properly before you can take good care of your kids. That means being aware of your needs, communicating them clearly, making time for yourself, and figuring out how to balance your life so that you are getting what makes you happy. That could mean any number of things, and what the solution looks like for you is something you're going to have to figure out. Just remember that it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. Maybe you can work part-time. Maybe you just need to prioritize building a friend network (fellow moms in the area?) to support you. Maybe you need to have a direct conversation with your boyfriend about how you're feeling and figure out a plan to help you feel better. Maybe you need to go back to work full-time. Maybe you need some anti-depressant meds. No one can tell you the solution, and you might have to try a few things out while you're figuring out what works best. A good therapist can help you figure out why you're feeling the way you're feeling, what you can do to feel better, and how to avoid getting yourself into a similar situation in future. The important thing is to *pay attention* - something isn't right. You shouldn't have to feel the way you feel now. Reaching out on a forum like this is the first step, so well done. Ignore responses that make you feel guilty and focus on those that make you feel powerful & in control, because that's what you are. You can fix this, and it will be better for all involved.

Tracey - posted on 07/16/2012

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Amie - I've read all your posts and I hear that you need a friend, someone who cares about you, will listen without judgement, give you credit for putting your son above your job, and who can encourage you when you're having trouble encouraging yourself. We ALL go thru this! I've read alot of suggestions and comments ( some nicer than others)...but I think you just need a friend right now. So lets be friends :-) I'll send you a request. At 24 years old Amie you are doing an AWESOME job in your life! For you and your son! I already know your capable of providing for your son and when the time is right you'll go back to work, this time of motherhood is to be enjoyed as it goes by SO quickly! Have some fun with your little boy and if you need to talk send me a note! Don't be so hard on yourself, you'll achieve what you want you have lots of time!

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You've acknowledged that you're feeling lonely and sad. It's good to hear that you've got a new man in your life. It is time that you start rebuilding your life as well - talk to your bf, let him know how you feel, that way things can move forward.

With your son, go and find some mum and toddler groups, that way you can start creating a bigger social circle. Yes it will be hard work and you will probably find it scary as well, but it will help you regain your confidence.

Also glad to hear that you're making plans for your future - looking at going back to work, also look at seeing if you can do any courses as well, either low cost or free. Again potentially a great way of increasing your circle of friends.

If you are still feeling low, then go and talk to your doctor, and get checked out for depression.

Janet - posted on 07/16/2012

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Amie - about three years ago, I was in the same place. I had two kids under 5, both diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and their dad just couldn't take it. He left the country (yes, the entire country) after a large legal battle, and I ended up having to leave my middle management job (with benefits, perks etc) and try to make it on my own - and you know what? I couldn't. I needed help. And I spiralled down further in my depression because I didn't want to ask, I didn't want to admit that I couldn't do it. I just wanted everyone I knew to say I was doing a great job and leave me alone, or say "Wow, you have it rough". When in reality, I wasn't doing great, things were REALLY tough and I needed help.

I'm still not ready to go back to work, but when my kids start school I hope to start the transition - not only was this time tough in the physical sense, but it was incredibly traumatic and I needed to go to a counsellor to help me learn how to THINK differently. She did a great job and held the mirror up to my face to explain step by step how things weren't as bad as my mind made them out to be - and how I could get past things.

I'm not fully out of the woods yet, but I'm getting there, and life is sunnier than it used to be - even though there are still days where I'm completely overwhelmed and try to shut down. But now that I've reached out to the people who want to help me, I have some relief when that happens, some people who understand and who don't let me just shut the world out because I don't think I can handle it.

Your first step to reach out should be your doctor - go to him or her and tell them how you feel, and ask for suggestions, and they may give you an antidepressant AND/OR give you a referral to a counsellor/psychologist... or they may have another suggestion of someone to contact for help. It will be scary and you won't want to.. but breathe in and out and put one foot in front of the other. Helping yourself, helps your child and I know that you can do this :)

Good luck!

Chaya - posted on 07/10/2012

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Find a mommy and me class, take your kid to the library, or just for a walk aroun the neighborhood. There are playgrounds for every age level, if he's too young for that, just go out, enjoy the weather. You're probably depressed because you're lonely.
Get some help, every county in the country has some help available, it may not be close, but there is public transportation.
I get the lonliness and isolation, I moved 1500 milest to marry my husband, then endd up living in a strange city. So I started walking around my neighborhood. I walked up on street, took a left and saw a guy I thougth I'd known froim Africa. I got closer and realized it was the guy I knew in Africa.( I'm the only person in the world that would ever happen to. It happens at least once a year.) But something could happen, if nothing else, you'll meet people in the grocery store, or out and about, you'll get some exercise, and fresh air.

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Lu - posted on 07/17/2012

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Amie,

I don't think you're going to find the answers/sentiments/etc you're seeking here. I understand you're feeling pretty crappy n quite frankly, ripped off. However, we all have choices and I guess what you need to do is decide what you need to do to get yourself in a more happier, more content space. I second those previous comments suggesting you seek help, whether it be a counsellor or your gp who can refer you to someone. You not only owe it to yourself to have a happy, healthy life, you owe it to your lil man of yours :D

Norvella - posted on 07/16/2012

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PPD????? Sounds like just what it is. I encourage you to get a job and set goals for yourself to achieve and move toward bigger goals till you reach them then set more.

Chaya - posted on 07/10/2012

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I'm living on $700/ month raising two children, my church helps me out, but we go without a lot. I recently graduated college and got a part time job, doesn't pay much, only ten hours per week It's with a state office, so I could end up working full time with good benefits one day. One day my daughters will be on their own and my son and my ex won't need to help me, but for now, I do what Ican.

Chaya - posted on 07/10/2012

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I'm living on $700/ month raising two children, my church helps me out, but we go without a lot. I recently graduated college and got a part time job, doesn't pay much, only ten hours per week It's with a state office, so I could end up working full time with good benefits one day. One day my daughters will be on their own and my son and my ex won't need to help me, but for now, I do what Ican.

Chaya - posted on 07/10/2012

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She may be selfish, but that's at least part of depression. She'll get over it when she seeks treatment.

Angie - posted on 07/09/2012

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Amie...I think the important thing is what are you doing to get to a happier place? I think sometimes people get caught up in the happenings and it begins a downward spiral. Now, granted, there are some things in life there is absolutely nothing you can do about, but I've seen some posters suggest a job, a gym, church, playgroups, doctors, but you seem to have excuses or you tried once and didn't work. Only you can make YOU happy...and no, my life is not all peaches and cream ~ I have some issues going on with my 15yo for over a year that is breaking my heart; I've now got DFS involved in my life because that was the only way to get my 15yo help; my kids dad is an alcoholic & never been involved in their lives, I have a house that is getting ready to go into foreclosure after a 2+ year lease purchase fell through & now another contract fell through...all these years fighting to keep my head above water after my divorce for what? I can either feel sorry for myself or I can focus on the positives...I choose to focus on the positives, wherever and however I can find them. I get one of my nieces/nephews one weekend a month to help fill the void of my son not being home since last November. I belong to support groups; I am blessed with wonderful friends and family, and I have a wonderful job that has been very flexible to the time I've needed off work. My oldest realized I needed some extra time and has been wonderful through all this. I also remind myself daily there are parents out there going through 10x worse than me. What if I was homeless? What if my child had a terminal illness? What if my job closed the doors tomorrow? Your blessings may not seem like much, but in the grand scheme of things, they really are...Best of luck to you :)

Kristin - posted on 07/09/2012

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Amie,

Again go see a doctor this is not healthy. It isnt easy for me to say this to you either since I made it and in a happy place. It was hard I was 16 going school and raising a child then his dad and I split when he was 4 so it was tough and it was a struggle but my best friend told me to quit my "pity party" and to make my life to what I wanted it to be and that I was the only one who could make me happy. She was right, i then had a second child when my son was 9 and a third child a year and a half ago and the third one I was completely on my own with no job and living on unemployment insurance, yes I was miserable but I also knew I had to be strong and positive for mt kids. I also dont get child support for my kids and i never felt it was fair to my parents to have them help me so I made it on my own. I was liucky in the sense that i have a great network of friends and family, so they helped me quite a bit. I also love going to the gym as for me it is my stress reliever and my time and makes me feel good about who I am. Also look to your child to make you happy, I may not wanted to but i made myself be active with my children took them to parks bike rides swimming etc and i met a lot of people and that also made me feel god. I started to look at my kids' joys in life and realilzed that was happiness and I made them happy and that made me happy. Your son will alway love you and have time for you and he looks up to you so you need to set an example. Honey, the only one who can make you feel good is YOU not your BF not your family but YOU. and i fear if you dont get help now then you will lose the man you have and feel even worse, please do not let that happen. God only makes us endure what we are strong enough to endure and you will make it through this i promise. Just focus on you and your son and being happy,

Amie - posted on 07/09/2012

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Its easier for you to sit here and say all this cause you are at a happy time in your life, you made it. I am not in a happy time in my life at all. I had a unhappy pregnancy did it all by myself, my mom wanted me to abort... i worked hard at my job so i could buy things for my son when he was born and i was proud i did that on my own and the father just leaves me. Hes a lazy bum and I wish I had realized that before all this. I am depressed and might be bipolar as well, who knows. I dont know who to talk to and I needed some kind of pick me up from someone, my bf wont help me, hes too busy with his work and school. I wish my bf would make me feel good he only cares on days hes off and I guess i understand since he works and i dont. I just wanted to know how to deal with this particular time in my life since i have no one. I try all the time to talk to moms and none seem interested and feel the same. I am deeply depressed with my life, nothing seems good but that my son has always been healthy and happy.

Kristin - posted on 07/09/2012

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Amie,

TAke a deep breath, close your eyes and imagine a white light filling your body and all your negative thoughts will be leaving your body., You can not base your life on what others have or dont have all you can do is live your life. Nothing was ever handed to me either and I had my first son at 16 and it was hard but i knoew that one day all my hard work would pay off and life would be goood for us. But i strongly suggest you talk to your docotr about how your feeling i think you may be depressed. I went on cipralex for 6 months and that helped me a lot thriugh some pretty tough times. And you need to not compare yourself to others just be happy for who you are and the child God gave you

Amie - posted on 07/09/2012

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you call me selfish but I quit a great job i had for my son, i see that as not selfish but a mom who wanted to take on raising the child the father ran away from. If i was selfish girl i would of never quit my job and let my baby go to a daycare all his lil life. I sacrificed everything for my son, the father did not at all. I've fully dedicated myself to my son and for that I have no one else but myself and am lonely.

Amie - posted on 07/09/2012

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I know sometime in the future I gotta be happy but as for right now in the present there is nothing i can do to be happy it seems. I have a gym membership and I went by myself and I hated it completely, so lonely, boring, and unmotivated. I took my son to a church and that did nothing for me but make me tired. i see others around me getting a house handed to them and their family buying them a house and making it easy and thats not real, they are in a dream world and I was not brought up like that and see that it makes me feel like crap. I gotta work hard for everything I have and i dont ever seem to catch a break. I could work and make money but that wont do anything, i couldnt move out on a part time job making minimum wage... my bf has too many bills of his own. Its just crap. Maybe in a few years we will be moved out is how I see it, hes just waiting around for jobs that wont happen. Yea I had a good job but I didnt have a good man, if i had known I was gonna get crapcanned I would of never quit my job. I'd have more support for my son but then I would of missed out on a lot and felt like i ran away from being a mom. So im lonely cause of myself and have no one to blame but myself but everyone my bf knows is younger than me and doing better and have their lives started and having kids. this didnt make me feel better at all.

Kristin - posted on 07/09/2012

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And to be honest you sound pretty selfish and only think about yourself. I wish I could have stayed home to raise my klids too but that wasnt an option as I havce a lot of pride and moving back to my parents house wasnt an option and my baby went to daycare at 6 months old and I was subsidized for it so i only paid 157 a month. All i am sayimg is that others are in the same or worse situations than you and you have to be strong and be happy. I love my life I have 3 kids a full time job and a wonderful man, yes it is hard and yes time is not a lot but I aqm comforted by the fact that my kids and I were able to stay in our house and that I am able to buy them whatever they need and am able to start a college fund for them so they wont have to worry later on in the future. Thank god my bf is on the same page and we live on his income and bank mine but i also know if he leaves or something happens to him I can still be a responsible parent to my children and take care of them and maintain the lifestyle they are accustomed to. And to be healthy and happy thats all life is about,. I never said life is all about money but money buys the kids what they need clothes, diapers, food, shelter, toys, bikes, etc.

Kristin - posted on 07/09/2012

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it is about supporting one another but you cant feel miserable about yourself. If you do then go do things that will make you happy. As for your bf not being your childs father that shouldnt matter, he made the decision to be with you and your son so all decisions should be made together. I was on my own with 2 kids and pregnant with a third when my ex split, did i sit at home feeling sorry for myself? No i went out joined a gym, joined a play group and went back to work when my baby was 6 months old. I figured out I was deporessed and went on an anti depressant and now I am with a man who loves me and my kids and we make all descisions together and we pool our money together to support our family. But when you say everyone elses life is runnig the way they want it to and yours isnt, that makes you sound like you are wallowing in self pity which doesnt benefit you or your child. And like I said only you can make yourself happy and only you can make your life to be the way you want it to be.

Amie - posted on 07/09/2012

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i thought this was a website for mothers to support other mothers not to make them feel even worse about themselves. I did have a great job and decided it was best to quit to raise my son since no one else would do it for me, i took the responsibility as a parent. I have to wait to reapply for a job next year and hopefully this girl told me I can get free daycare when my son is 2. Even if I did work it wouldnt make me better, I would just be more tired and angry at my life and missing out on my son, no one else can watch him but me so id have to work parttime and just wouldnt be enough. Making money isnt everything in this forsaken world but a lot of people like to make it out to be like that. And my boyfriend is waiting on a job that wont happen it seems and I dont force him to do anything cause he's not my sons father, he shouldnt have to do crap.

Kristin - posted on 07/09/2012

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WHen you decide to be happy your life will be happy. This may sound harsh but pull your head out of your ass and go find a job and start building your life up. Sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself will not help either you or your son. Have a long chat with your bf to see if he is willing to make changes to better the relationship if not move on. I am sorry but truth be told only you can makle the changes to make you happy no one else can live your life for you. You need to do that so grab the bull by the horns go see a doctor or counsellor, join a playgroup find a job and live your life.

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