How do you handle being a single mother?

Tiffany - posted on 02/02/2010

i know wat u mean,it hard as hell i don't have no friends or family 4real 2 help. evera1 just thinks about them selfs. but i do my best, thatz all i can do. i love my kids to death,yes i wish sumtimes i could go back but really i look forward 2 the future.cuz i know it will get bettea in time

Nezil - posted on 01/31/2010

i understand that, as i have experienced the same thing. this in turn upsets and confuses the children - so i have cut off all contact to protect our children until they are capable of handling disappointment from their dad

Rebekah - posted on 01/26/2010

Well i'm a single mother of my 2 and 1/2 year old son and his father is not in his life and basically i try very hard to roll with the punches. my mother is very supportive and loves her grandson. which is extremely helpful. But my favorite quote and the best advice i ever got is. "Let being a single mother become second nature to you and just do it, don't think about it so much."

Melissa - posted on 01/26/2010

As far as the baby daddy goes, I have to agree with Michelle Mayes- good comment. My 2 girls and I struggled with a very inconsistent baby daddy until I stopped caring. I used to fight and plead with him to come see his kids. My girls would cry on the phone with him.

One day, I decided to try a different tack. When he didn't show up to take the kids for the weekend, I quickly planned something fun to do with my girls. This diffused my anger and distracted them. When they asked where daddy was, I simply said I didn't know, and we continued our fun activity. I got a babysitter to go out on my date the next night, and never said a word to baby daddy about it.

My girls went 6 months without seeing their dad, and we got pretty used to our fun traditions of spending more time together. Their dad finally figured out the mind games got him nowhere, and he could choose to be involved or not. Either way, we were going to be just fine. Now, my girls enjoy a great relationship with their dad. Be strong. You can do this, and your daughter will see a terrific example of what women are capable of doing!

I have more great tips for single moms here: www.thrive-after-divorce.com

Amber - posted on 01/26/2010

i have pretty much the same issue my sons father n me broke up when i was 3 months pregnant ... then argued my whole pregnancy about him being able to be there n blah blah blah... about 2 weeks before my due date his gf told him that it wasn't his baby n i just keep jerking him around ... so i haven't talked to him since... my son looks just like him but because of his gf he wants nothing to do with him.... it sucks.. i do have a boyfriend though who helps alot but i don't allow him to do all the fatherly things cause he's not the actual father n i feel guilty that he might think i'm using him... you just gotta tough it out n know your mom n dad n your doing the best you can

Diane - posted on 01/25/2010

I've been a single parent for the past 10 years and 4 months ago had a baby, so needless to say it is hard, but so rewarding. There will be times you just want to give up, but don't. The good days definitely outweigh the bad ones. Just take it one day at a time and everything will be okay.

Jess - posted on 01/24/2010

Worry about you and your daughter. If you just breathe it makes it a whole lot easier. My son's dad isnt involved in his life but my boyfriend very much is. Being a single mom takes a whole nother level of strength but you get through it.

Veronica - posted on 01/23/2010

ok so i went from having a husband and father in the home for 7yrs, and in the blink of an eye i was a single mom...adjusting and learning how to handle it all alone and not having anyone to tap in so i can take a time out is out the window. i have a 6yr, n 3yr girls...they are a handful but i've learned at the end of the day they are why i do what i do everyday and why i'am the strong independe woman, mother n friend i am today...so i say if they're dad doesn't or does want to be in there lives than fine by me because im not going to let that affect everything i've done in life to this day....anyone out there understand me???

Shannon - posted on 01/23/2010

Melanie, the only way that I can handle the stress of doing it all by myself is with the help of God. I have two children and have been single parenting for over 9 years. I wish you the best. Keep God in your life. All things are possible through Jesus Christ.

Danielle - posted on 01/22/2010

I'm a single mother, and it is hard somedays and somedays you feel like you're on top of the world. Sometimes when you're flat ass broke something will pop up that requires money you don't have, and sometimes when you're tired as you could possibly be your daughter will get sick and run a fever, but you will never be given anything you can't handle. If he says he wants to be in her life then he needs to be consistent, if he isn't consistent then as she gets older it's going to be more painful for her. If his family is supportive, make sure your little girl has a relationship with them at least, after all I'm sure he isn't always around his family.

Jodi - posted on 01/22/2010

you take it one day at a time, take care of yourself as much as you possibly can, and don't be shy about reaching out for help, whether it's friends or family. my ex sucks, only has our daughter 6 days out of a month, he lives 5 states away. I attend Al-Anon meetings, and they are a life saver. you can't think too far ahead or you will lose all perspective. remember, a prayer can be as easy as saying "help."

Dennette - posted on 01/22/2010

I raised two daughters by myself. It is very hard, be strong for her, and always think of her well being. No matter how many promises her daddy makes. remember he was the sperm donor you are the parent. If his family wants to be in her life by all means allow them then there will be no resentment later in life. very important keep God in your life he will give you the strenght you need day by day.

Colleen - posted on 01/22/2010

My ex-husband is in my boys life I'm greatful but some of the choices he makes are not so bright at the time.

Take one day at a time. Pray daily open up that bible girl, let God talk to you. Listen to him. Most of all cast or surrender all your worries over to God, his shoulder are bigger than yours, He can handle it. Remember with Jesus, all things are possible.

Yvette - posted on 01/22/2010

I'm a single mom of one and he is 26 yrs old. Being a single mom came natural to me in a sense because I was raised (sort of ) by a single mom, "Sort of" is another story, when his father didn't want to be apart of his life I was already ok with it because I already knew it but he (the father) needed to figure that out for himself. My son is ok with how he was raise, he understands that I had to be both mom and dad to him, but I also had some help from my church. I use to say that my church and I raised my son so I can't and won't take all the credit.
My advise would be to just be in the now. Show your support in whatever your child wants to do or be and if you don't have the answers then find the answer together, make it a family thing, 1 child or 5 + you're still a family. Before you know it your lil one will be in college and out on their own. As for your lil girls father, remind him that for your daughter's benefit, he needs to decide which one he wants to do or you might end up making the decision for him, it's not healthy for him to go in and out of her life, he's either in or out, pick one and stick to it for her sake. Depending on how your daughter reacts when he runs out again maybe he could just keep in touch by phone or just keep it at occassional visits, I don't really know your situation so I'm not saying do this or that but it really depends on how your daughter gets when he decides to not come around much. Good luck.

KATELYN - posted on 01/21/2010

hi my daughter is three and i have been a single mom since i found out i was pregnant at 16. i like it but it gets lonely after they go to bed. i have all the decisions and my daughter has such a great relationship with her papa and nana she doesn't care about a dad. she has a man and thats how she see's it. its alot easier i think to be single then have two people whio can and wil argue in front of the kids which is not good for them.

Daniella - posted on 01/21/2010

I am a single mother of two boys and it can be very difficult at times. I have had to move back in to my parents home to have more support

Janet - posted on 01/21/2010

I am a single mother of a six year old. His father has hardly never contacts me to want him. He live 10 min away from me. I use to try and try but I just give up. He doesn't pay child support either I even took him to court and he still don't pay. I am so angry at him. It was really hard for me during the twos and threes, I use to cry and cry,feeling frustrated and wanting a break. Iv'e been raising him since new born without his fathers help. As he got older I find it easier now ,he listens to me alot better now. I would just pray alot to get me through rough days!!

Lakenya - posted on 01/21/2010

I'm a single mom to a seven year old. I been doing things most of the time by myself since he was about 5 months old. Somedays are better than others, but I keep my head high and keep on moving. I take it day by day. You have to keep your head held high (even though they are days when you want to break down and cry) and stay strong for your child. A better day is coming believe that! He just can't keep coming in and out of your child life like that either. Either he is going to be there or he is not! He can't just come around when he decides he wants to be a father and then next week bail cause its too much! I hope everything works out for you!

Kelly - posted on 01/21/2010

Hey Melanie, Like you i,m a single mum too and my daughters father has only just started to pull his weight after running in and out of her life for the first 8 months, - he was absent for the first 3 months apart from all of about 2 visits.

There is no actual rule or handbook guidance that anyone can give you other than i think your doing a great job as you are there for your daughter at all times, and you are also allowing her dad,s family to be part of her life :-) Every day is different, if like me you have good days and bad days where you can curse him till the cows come home then i know how that feels and with your situation it,s only natural however what i will say is you have to be tough with your daughters father....you have to lay down the law stating that he either become,s a permentant fixture in her life and he works with that or if he is going to piss about then he doesn,t bother. Thats what i had to do and i was scared it would rock the boat but i,m glad i have as my baby girl gets to see him, albeit not as often as she should be but atleast it,s something. Your baby girl needs stability from both parents and if he,s only gonna be even less of a part time dad then you go it alone hun - women are strong creatures anyways but with a child too....we can take on the world lol xx If you ever fancy a chat then just gimme a shout :-) x

Laura - posted on 01/21/2010

Sounds similar to my life. I found out that I could not depend on my daughters father. I didnt like the disapointment that he put in my lap to deal with, so I did not tell her of any plans as they never materialized. I also tried to not talk about him, wether it was good or bad. I told him that she might be missing out on him but in the long run he is the one that looses (cats in the cradle song is so true).
Being the only parent is the hardest thing I have ever done. Having to be the only one to discipline made me feel like such a bad mom. And I did get tired of that and wanted to just give in. There were days that I needed a break, to not be a mom. I was able to leave her with family for short times so I could regroup to be a better mom. I now have a smart, active, loving teen daughter. I am still a single mom, for 13 years so far. I still dont like it, but this is my life and my daughters life. My girl knows that I am always there for her.
If at all possible, try to have a good support system, if not other single moms, then friends or family. The hardest thing for me to ask for assistance, but when I do, my support system is there for me. I dont know if this helps. Good Luck!

Nichola - posted on 01/20/2010

My son is 16 months old and his father lives in another town and visits sometimes. I made it clear when I told him I was pregnant that he could be involved - or not - but that he had to make a commitment if he choose to be involved because eventually it would hurt Cole if he suddenly decided he didn't want to see him anymore. I know he has deep feelings for him, but things are definitely difficult at times - because Cole's Dad is a lot more casual about things than I am and I get upset - and frustrated - about this at times. When my son is a bit older and starts to know his Dad a bit better, I will have to hold him to more regular visits (and being on time for them!), or deny his visits - because ultimately it's all about Cole and what's good for him. Not me, and not Cole's father. I do think their relationship is very important and done a lot to make it possible for them and to make sure emotions and areas of possible resentment don't get in the way.. However, if it starts to do harm, I will have to make the tough decision. It's not such an issue now, but I know it will be later.

I suggest you take charge and set some ground rules now - and stick to them. If your child's father wants a relationship, he will come round. If he won't accept your conditions, it's better for your daughter to have her stable, loving relationship with you as her example for relationships - not one of a father who comes and goes and who always gets away with it - what will that teach her to accept in the future? If his family are supportive, at least she knows her "other half" - she will never be cut off from it. But in my view, the most important thing is she feels loved and safe and secure - and you can give her all those things yourself. Dad's are important, yes. But the most important role - model is the person who cares for and loves her everyday, and that's you. So just be strong and don't worry about what might be - do your best to set down how you want things to be - for her.

Krista - posted on 01/20/2010

I know there are bad days. It can be very difficult and lonely. Just remember you have been doing it all along. I am sure that you are a great mom and you will get through it one day at a time. As for the ex. I understand that it is very hard to have him in and out. Its like you just start to think things are working and then he leaves again to go live his life on his own terms. I am in a similar situation and it makes trust a very difficult thing. I see how painful it is when Daddy cancels his plans with them. It makes me wonder why does he bother just to let them down? Remember though that your daughter will always have you and that's the only thing that you can truly control. She will grow up to see and appreciate that.

Melissa - posted on 01/20/2010

I am a single mom to 2 beautiful girls, 2 & 4 yrs old. It is a struggle at times, but what a blessing and honor it is to be a parent and be able to have children! I find it very helpful to count my blessings; my ex was a very selfish, unhealthy person who caused me a lot of heartache, but I would do it all again to have my girls. Your struggle makes us who we are-adversity is preparation for greatness. As for going out of your way to be sure the father is in your child's life, I think people need be held accountable for their actions-if he chooses to be in and out you should give him the opportunity to be a father, but if he chooses to flake out or not be there when he should be I think that is a great oppourtunity to explain (if your child is old enough) that sometimes people we love disappoint us and it has nothing to do with them (your child). I do not think you need to go above and beyond to be sure he is in your child's life, that is his job as a father. Keep your head up and God bless.

Alicia - posted on 01/20/2010

my daughters father is a loser as well .. he comes when it is convient for him an as much as i would love for him to walk away for good for her sake legally i cant. so as for that I took his butt to court for child support which gets garnished an automatically deposited weekly an i have wonderful friends an family that help me. i was fortunate enough to land myself a very good paying job well before i got pregnant with her so which obviously helps. the hardest part is i work overnights an have her all day with me. that is where my friends an family come in an help when it gets to much an i need lots of sleep (which it happens to all of us) thye take her for a few hours.

Lynda - posted on 01/20/2010

Just take it one day at time (although sometimes it will seem several will attack you all at one) - sometimes that is not enough and you have to take several deep breaths and take it moment by moment. I've been a single mom just under a year, and divorced for 6 months, in that time I've learned a lot about myself as a mother and as a woman. YOU CAN DO THIS! **hugs**

Susan - posted on 01/20/2010

It is definitely very challenging but also very rewarding! Stay strong for your daughter! I am a single mother of a 9 and 7 year old. Let her know she is very loved and don't let her think it was her fault that mommy & daddy aren't together. Sometimes, it is better for the children if their parents are not together - it took me awhile to realize that.

Angel - posted on 01/20/2010

i know what ur going through im a single mom to.i was with my kids father for 15 years and we recently split up.i have 4 boys 14-12-9-8.2 of my boys live with me and 2 there father raises them only because it was hard on me .but now i want my other 2 kids back.

Shannon - posted on 01/20/2010

I am a single mom of 2, ages 11 and 9. I have been a single mom since I was six weeks pregnant with the youngest one. It is hard, but it is also the most rewarding thing in the world! Find friends, family, even local support groups or church groups to help. If you have other single parent friends, work out a schedule where maybe you can watch each others kids for an occassional break. My kids dad isn't and hasn't been involved, but I do understand your confusion over your daughter's dad wanting to go back and forth on involvement. One thing I would caution you is that during the first three years of life, kids do most of their developing. His constant leaving may create a sense of abandonment in her. Only you can decided what is best for your daughter. All of us moms, commenting can only guess because we aren't walking in your shoes.
You are a good parent--if you weren't you wouldn't care enough to ask others for help and advice. Put your concerns on God's shoulders and enjoy the blessing you have in your daughter.

Ange - posted on 01/19/2010

All you can do is be strong and be there for them no matter what happens you have no control of her dad but you have control of your own happiness and that will give you a happy little girl.

Syndi - posted on 01/19/2010

From one single Mother to another... as you know at your age in life you cant choose your family and it is not up to the mother or father to determine who in the family this new little person should know or get to know as she grows. My daughters father did not have much to do with her and still doesnt it causes problems still to this day but she now makes the decission to talk to him or see him. She has had a great relationship with his parents and cousins, aunts, uncles...etc. If I would have taken her away from them then she would have never known what and where her fathers family came from or any history.
Its just a thought. My rule to myself is Always Put Her First! I put my personal/emotional feelings in my pocket and make sure that she always spent some time with her father over the first 8yrs and after that she made her own decission. Some days she does and some she dont but at this point in her life she can now make up HER mind if she wants to have anything to do with him.
Also Therapy is a great idea for you and as she gets older it will help her deal with issues he may bring out.
Good Luck!! Its NOT easy.

Maria - posted on 01/19/2010

I agree with that last comment.

Tracie - posted on 01/19/2010

Im a single mum of 3 kids aged 5, 9 and 16 and i prefer it that way. I have never really found it hard bringing up my kids as i took it one day at a time. My youngest daughters dad could see her whenever he wanted but he was always to busy, mainly down the pub. He has seen her once since June 09 and couldnt even be bothered at xmas. Now i just dont bother with him. It helps having good friends or family to help you through.

Dawn - posted on 01/19/2010

you love your daughter! That is first and foremost.
You can not control him. His choices are his to make, good and bad.
It is good that his family is involved.
I was always open to my children's fathers seeing them whenever. Then it is not me that is denying him. Sometimes, it is easier being a single mom than a married mom, at least for me. Are you hoping to get him back or do you just want him more involved?

Hebah - posted on 01/19/2010

Hi Melanie
well let me get your question clearly:
do you need a feedback of how to get your daughter's father back into her life??
or
how to handle being a single mother??
in both cases count on you.... i had a similar situation... im a single mother and had one daughter..
tell you the truth it was very hard to be a single mother (specially if you live in Arab country) i work very hard to contect my daughter with her daddy... we (me, my daughter and her father) in a very good terms now..
i allowed him to spend as much time he needs with his daughter... until he asked me to keep her with him over the weekend..(which i believe its a great achivement)
if you need more details about how i acheived this stage... please email me back
at the end best of luck - you doing a great
Hebah

Tiffany - posted on 01/19/2010

while hi! i sumtimez lose my mind,but then i realize i choose 2 have my kidz they didn't ask 2 be here. by sayn that i make sure i can my dam best,plus in the day it'z about them, at nite it my time 2 get sum me time. just try 2 get sum of that as often as u can.

Leanne - posted on 01/19/2010

melanie, im a single mother of two children, i have a 6 yr old with epilepsy and a 4 yr old with autism, i know how bad things can get at times and that some mornings you just want to throw something so it will break and change the day to day routine but you don't as you are the one that would have to clean it up!..it does take a male to help create a child but it takes a real man to raise one. the father of my children is shall i say there when he chooses to be and there when he has to be due to our wonderful court system!...enrich yourself with those around you who care for you and your daughter as they are the ones that will help you find strenght to get through the tough times and be there for the smiles in the good!

Jacey - posted on 01/18/2010

Worrie about u and ur girl... those r the only things that matter... Trie to set goals for ur self it helps...

Peta - posted on 01/18/2010

i was a single mum from wen my daughter was 1 til she was 2, im not with her dad n he hasnt seen her for since april 2008 and to be honest im with a new man and im kinda glad he isnt in her life because i would make it complicated more than it needs to be i will explain it all wen she is older. her FATHER doesnt even send her anything for bday or chrissy or even ring or ask how she is. but life is easier with out him. When he decides that he wants to see her i will work it out wen that happens but i dont see that happening any time soon.

Pamela - posted on 01/18/2010

you need to be strong and do for yourself but also ask for support when you need to. I have been a single mom for 6 years and it is not easy. You feel like everybody is doing what they need to do and you have so many responsibilities. Network with other moms you trust to take turns watching the kids. Always have options like education open for you so you and your child will have a better life.Keep your head up--you are all this child has so try to be patient and get me time in as much as possible--P.S--make sure you are getting child support court mandated--for your sake and your child's as well

Narelle - posted on 01/18/2010

Melanie, do what you have to do to make it happen that he is part of her life on a regular basis. I haven't had to deal with a father that couldn't deal with the fact that he has kids and they need him but I have felt/dealt with the devasting loss they feel when suddenly daddy isn't there at all anymore. Your main focus should be u and Maddy and making your life the best it can be and then trying to get her father more involved. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Melanie - posted on 01/18/2010

Narelle

I did not mean to click the funny tab about your comment... plz don't take offense.

Melanie - posted on 01/18/2010

Narelle

Maddy does react to her dad being there... when he leaves again she's starting to show her sadness about it. She will constantly say his name and it's hurting my heart. He has 2 other children by 2 other women, and doesn't see them (both boys and both are older than Maddy... I know it's really complicated). The only child he wants to halfway be involved with is mine. I want him to be in her life... but on a regular basis!

Narelle - posted on 01/18/2010

If there is even the smallest remote chance that this guy could get it together I would recommend finding it and giving it a try. I am a single mum of 2 (one 4 yr old and one 4mth old) because my husband was killed in an accident last year. Having his father taken away from him permanently has had a lasting effect on my son. madison may still be too young to realise what has happened but I would suggest keeping an eye on how she reacts.

Melanie - posted on 01/16/2010

Maureen... that's exactly what I was thinking... it's not healthy for Madison to be subject to him running in and out of her life.

Thanks ^_^

Maureen - posted on 01/16/2010

i would keep him out, it is not good for him to come in and out of her life its not fair to her

Michelle - posted on 01/16/2010

My daughter's dad couldn't be bothered until the day I decided I couldn't be bothered to worry about it. If he said he'd be there at 1pm and wasn't there by 1:30 I left the house, even if I didn't have anywhere in particular to go.
Suddenly he started coming when he said he would and now they have a decent relationship. They're all different but that was what worked with him!

Melanie - posted on 01/16/2010

thank you all so much for your words of wisdom... God never gives us more than we can handle ^_^

LATOYA - posted on 01/16/2010

IM A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3. I HAVE A 10 YEAR OLD A 7 YEAR OLD AND ALSO A 2 YEAR OLD. I HAVE 2 BABY FATHERS WHO R THERE SOMETIMES MOSTLY ITS JUS ME AND I TAKE IT 1 DAY AT A TIME. I DO WHAT I GOT 2 DO FOR MY FAMILY AND I ALWAYS FIND A LITTLE ME TIME SO I WONT GET TO STRESSED OUT!!!!

Jamie - posted on 01/16/2010

I understand how you feel. I am a single mom of 3. Ages 5,6 & 9. I just try to take it day by day. When I have bad days I pray that tomorrow will be a better day. All I can say is....as long as you know that your trying your best then everything will fall into place. As for her father, hopefully he will realize that it's time to grow up and be responsible. He's missing out. I know it's hard because I still struggle with the my kid's dad not being in there life like he's supposed to but it will get better.

Kayla - posted on 01/16/2010

Well I'm a single mom to a little girl also who is 5 months old. I've been doing it alone since the day I found out I was pregnant with her. Your totally right when you say some days are better than others. I have my days where I just break down and cry and then others I walk out of the house and smile everywhere I go because I feel like the most blessed person in the world. My daughters father is out of the picture and he has very strong feelings of never coming back. Thats something I have to deal with everyday but I do it because I don't have another choice. Keep your head up chick because it's his loss not yours. He is the one who is missing out of being apart of a very important thing in life which is parenthood. If he doesn't want to take responsibility for his child then there isn't anything you can do. You just have to take it day by day and know that there isn't anything you can do to make the man grow up! As far as his family goes.. Well if they don't want to be supportive and an active role in your childs life then blow them off too. I mean you have to think about what kind of example you want to set for your child to follow also. Hope everything works out!