how do you know as a single mother what is going to be helpful when it comes to the father?

Danielle - posted on 09/05/2010

If he cant stop drinking, or is harmful or could possibly be harmful due to his drinking you have to be strong and keep him away. You as a mother have to protect your child even if it is the babies father. You can choose to bring a new person around your baby once you have a secure relationship with them and are sure of their character. You do not want guys coming in and out of there lives so until you think its serious and moving forward i would keep it hush hush

Sarah - posted on 09/03/2010

you are completely right, thats the last thing that any child should know especially at a young age. thankfully i have met someone before the baby has even been born, so if this doesnt work out i am not going to bother for a very long time. i dont want to cause any confusion or any problems. thank you everyone for the advise and reassurance that i am doing whats best for my baby and me

Helen - posted on 08/26/2010

if you meet someone new dont bring them in to ur babys life for at least six months, by that time you should have made up ur mind that he is stable in ur life, you dont want ur child to met a new man every couple of months as it gives a bad impression to ur child and can be confussing if they develpe a releshionship and then he leaves. If daddys a dead beat then tell him he can only come around when hes sobber and if he comes round drunk he will have to leave, have someone else there when he comes for a "vist" then you will feel stronger asking him to leave if need be.

Sarah - posted on 08/26/2010

thank you so much everyone for the great and supportive advise i would love to inform everyone that the father isnt going to be in the picture because i think that it would do more harm then good. i have experenced a lot of things in my life and i would love to spare my child the same fate, having the father around wont do that. Plus i am not going to lose my child because of his issues.
Vodka is the choice of drink for my baby daddy too so i can understand just looking for bottles let alone a certain type. but anyway as far as dating, i ended up getting into contact with an old friend that i have grown up with and he knows about the baby and is actually willing to be there for, how much i believe that i am not sure at the current moment but so far so good.
The best will come my way in due time no matter what happens, i have faith in that for me and child as well as all of yall.
Thanks again it was very helpful and reassuring of my choice. even though i cant cut the father out completely i can do what i need to protect my child

Crystal - posted on 08/21/2010

That's a tough spot to be in. My ex is an alcoholic so I know where you are coming from. What I did is I was always around when he wanted to see the kids. When they got to the point where I felt they could judge if he had been drinking too much, then I trusted them and let them see him a little bit more. But truthfully, in the end, the booze has such a hold on him anymore that he seldom sees the kids. Each situation is different. I suggest that you look inside of you and trust YOUR decision and what's best. Whatever you choose will be the right one at the right time. Remember you don't have to choose it all at once - take it one situation at a time. Best wishes.
Crystal
www.whydidichooshim.com

Laura - posted on 08/21/2010

I am in the same boat my 2 boys and I left in January from a drunk... anyway long story short I set ground rules and told him if he wanted to see the kids he had to prove that he could take care of himself first. It took 6 long months but he has gotten a job and somewat cleaned up his act. He is on a very short leash with the kids and is not allowed to leave the home when the kids are there. I never leave the cars seats and I always do a quick look around before i leave to make sure he has no vodka (his choice of drink) so far so good. If the father of your child cares about the kid he will comprimise if not you may be going it alone hope this helps ya. An alcholic father has been the biggest challenge in raising my boys

Jaime - posted on 08/20/2010

There is not alot you can do about this. It's making the decision for whats best for your child. I also did/do not want my children without a father but right now, I believe it's for the best. My son is 7 and just recently got to know who his father is because I didn'e want him around drugs and alcohol.

Kelly - posted on 08/20/2010

close to where I live a lil baby died in the hands of a drunk. If you don't want to buy a coffin then I'd leave the father alone

Lesley - posted on 08/20/2010

My sons dad was an alcholic we eventually lost him to this but beforehand i realised that my son was better off with no dad than one who was goin to mess him up.

Erin - posted on 08/20/2010

my 1st childs dad is an alcholic and he keeps trying to see her and i told him that if he is not going to sober up then he does not get to his child. to this day he has not seen her and she will be 6 this november

Laura - posted on 08/20/2010

i think you should keep the father away from your child for the childs sake and i personally wouldnt introduce antone new to the child till you have known him quite a long time and know everythin there is to know about him also for your childs sake good luck with everything

Caitlyn - posted on 08/20/2010

If he is the child's father you do not actually have the right to tell him he cannot see the child, and you could get into major legal trouble telling him he can't have any contact with the child without a court order. The only way you can possibly get around that is if you don't ask for child support (which requires a paternity test for unmarried parents), and do not put his name on the birth certificate. Unfortunately, however, raising a child with the costs of everything nowadays is difficult enough with child support, and seems as though it may be impossible without it. Also, if you ask for any help from any public programming including medicaid and child care subsidies they will most often require you to get an order for child support. Otherwise he is entitled to at least supervised visitation which you can supervise until you get an order from the courts.

Susan - posted on 08/19/2010

Hi Sarah!

I agree with the other ladies - being a single mom is the hardest thing I've ever, ever done. People will treat you differently. People whisper and make rude comments -- as if they know what our life is like! But it is big time rewarding. When people comment about her dad, my daughter will say, "It's ok - my Momma loves me double."

When her dad & I divorced, I had a stipulation in the divorce decree and parenting agreement that he could not see her if he were under the influence of any drugs or alcohol. And I get to make that determination for the safety of our little girl. The judge was cool about that. It's been 4 years. He only sees her for a few hours on Sunday afternoons. We went from supervised visits to unsupervised, but he cannot keep her overnight because I don't think she'd be taken care of.

As for another man, my rule of thumb is that you should not introduce your little ones to any man until you are engaged to be married. Otherwise, if you parade men in and out, they will learn that no relationships are permanent. For me, I date during those few hours on Sunday afternoons and on evenings when I can find a sitter. I'm not serious with anyone in particular so my daughter has not met any of them. Yes, it is hard, but as a single mom, our kids come first. That's what our life is - all about the kids for about 15 more years!!!!

Sarah - posted on 08/18/2010

thank you so much for the advise and the support. it helps so much to know that other people see things the same way that i do. the advise helps me feel strong in my choice to not cut the father out completely.

Klarissa - posted on 08/18/2010

Sarah,
You are right god will never give you more than you can handle,and it is good to talk to other single moms believe you me it does help

Sherilyn - posted on 08/18/2010

being a single mom is the hardest thing in the world to do however it is also the most rewarding thing to! Raising your child so they know who their father is a good way to start. If it comes to visitation you can ask for supervised visits and put restrictions on his access to his child so u know that your childs saftey is #1. As for introducing a new man as long as he is good to you and treats u with respect u will know when it is time to introduce him. Good luck and always rely on family and friends when u are going through your darkest times they are the best thing to pull u through the situation and build u up as a person!

Sarah - posted on 08/18/2010

thats so true but sometimes it feels as though they can only help so much, all the mothers i know are married and its just werid for me. but i always keep my head in public because i know that is the only thing i truely have. if i stay positive then i wont get as stressed out. the lord never gives you more then what you can handle right? its helpful talking to another single mom

Klarissa - posted on 08/18/2010

Sarah,
being a mom is going to be the most rewarding experience and whenever you feel you are in need to talk to someone just remember you have family and friends who will be a huge support system for you, that is what has helped me the most.

Sarah - posted on 08/18/2010

thank you so much for the advise, its kind of hard to deal with. my family and friends say the same thing and as a mother its hard to know when not to draw line. i want my child to know who his father is but not at the expesie of his safety and its nice to hear other mothers with the same opinion. its just hard to think that i am going to be going at this alone. its scary

Klarissa - posted on 08/18/2010

Sarah,
As a single mom or a mom in general you are not going to want to have your child around that enviorment because you don't know what would happen when your child is alone with him,as far as bringing a new man into your childs life you will know when it is the right time, you will want to take that time to bond with your child before hand, but the end you will make the best decision for you both, good luck.

Bianca - posted on 08/18/2010

Honestly, you would want to keep the father away. Because you don't know what could happen while he's drunk around your baby. You will know when its time to bring your child around another man.