how to come to an agreement on visitation days

Helen - posted on 06/27/2012

Visitations have to work for you both not just him. my ex and me have two children 4 and 3 and he was very difficult to begin with over days/nights he would have them. in the end i wrote an official letter to him saying if he didnt accept the days convenient to me aswell as him then i would stop contact altogether this worked for me and you have to be firm but fair my ex now has them every other weekend and every wednesday for tea and bath. You shouldnt feel guilty about asking him for extra days he is her father and has parental responsibility to her and to you, hope this helps a bit

Kristin - posted on 06/25/2012

Nikki,
There is absolutely no way that you should have to be picking your daughter up in the morning to take her to day care and then dropping her off. If he cant keep her all day or get her to daycare than I wouldnt be taking her to see her father on those days. You are NOT being ungrateful or unappreciative, he is just trying to control and manipulate the situation, which is a form of mental abuse. If you have concerns that his son and you daughter are getting into scuffles than you need to adress them with your ex. Trust me a judge will tell him that access needs to work for both of you, Why would you even need to drop your daughter off at daycare if he has her? Most times access is granted to be every other weekend or so, and if you feel he cant take proper care of his daughter than you need to voice those concerns to the judge and maybe ask for supervised visits. Good fathers do not put the burden of their children all on the mother and are willing to compromise to make things work for everyone. Your ex sounds very controlling and do not let him push you around. Remeber you left him for a reason and need to stay strong, Trust me lots of people go through the child access.

Karen - posted on 06/24/2012

Hi Nikki, I am new to answering posts and may have it all wrong but having been in similar situations, I noted that you are seeming to be putting his feelings ahead of yours. He has managed to manipulate you into feeling "appreciative" that he has "stepped up" to do something that he should really be doing because he is the father and it is his duty to do. Yet he undermines you by making out that you are the one that is ungrateful and unappreciate. Of what? Why should you feel grateful or appreciate that he is actually doing what any decent father should be doing? Try not to let him continue to control you - this is hard as I am still working on this myself and it seems so much easier to be looking in from the outside. He is using your good mother emotions against you. I try and be flexible but I also make sure that visitation works for me as well. Being flexible for special occasions on both our parts has so far worked out quite well. Good luck with it all - it is always going to be a bit of tightrope walking.

Nikki - posted on 06/24/2012

Yesterday me and my daughter's dad had a argument because after doing the visit of Wed and Thur. with his son I had to come pick her up those two mornings to take her to the daycare and pick her up from the daycare and take her back over there. Just because his excuse was he doesnt have two car seats to transport his son which is two and my daughter which is one. This is not my problem I have a four year old that still rides in a car seat and I transport them together at all times. I am not going to be rushing around on the mornings that he decides to keep her just because of his excuses if he wants to keep her on those days he needs to be totally responsible for picking up and dropping her off also. I also don't want to accuse but during the time of the visits between daycare and his house with his other child my daughter got a sore on her upper lip like it was bumped. I am concerned that maybe the two might get into little scuffles with them being close in age and him not watching them closely. I get worried at that age group you know how kids can be and I don't want to be accusing if things happen at the daycare and not there. I asked him about changing days to maybe one of those days being with him and his son but the other day on a weekend where he can be attentitive to her and also since we are both off on the weekends to give me a break for a day on the weekend to regroup. He flew off the handle saying that he is not changing days I am ungrateful and wouldn't know a good father if it slapped me in the face. Since my daughter has been born we have never been able to come to an agreement with visitation. First it was monday's he didnt stick to that then it was tuesday a couple months later than he changed it to sunday last month and hasn't fell through with all of those changes. I am just so tired and just want to throw my hands up and let the courts decide an order where I know he will have no choice but to stick to it. I just need to know how to go about this I got a few numbers for legal aid but is this common for just divorced couples or kids out of wedlock get visitation orders also?

Nikki - posted on 06/22/2012

I agree with you totally. I feel the same way about him getting the visits out the way in one whop. He thinks I am so ungrateful and unappreciative. I appreciate him stepping up but I need to have things working in my favor at times also. Thank You for your advice

Kristin - posted on 06/22/2012

Visitation needs to work for both of you, and not what is convenient for him. It is good he is stepping up to the plate to see his child but he needs to consider your schedule as well. Most times fathers take their children every other weekend or so. If he can not have both children on the same day thats his problem not yours, and to me it seems like by taking both kids at once he only has to be daddy and tied down 2 days a week and have weekends free to do whatever he does, I would talk to him and try to work out a mutualy agreement that will work for both of you. If he wont change his mind than you either have to tell him to come get your daughter before you go to work on Wed or just tell him those days will not work for you and he will have to reschedule. If he truly wants a relationship with the child he will be willing to compromise. Hope this helps